The Tale of Ivan Tsarevitch, The Firebird, and the Grey Wolf

I'm taking a break from Hans Christian Andersen today and doing a Russian fairytale. So here is the tale of Ivan Tsarevitch, The Firebird, and the Grey Wolf.

So in a galaxyland far, far away, there lived a mighty Tsar. He has a great orchard, but every so often a firebird would come and steal a few apples. This makes the Tsar really mad. It also reminds me of this hilarious rant my great-aunt went on once about the little Native kids who would steal crabapples from her yard. Anyway, the Tsar enlists his three sons for help. He says that for anyone who can kill the firebird, he will get half the kingdom now and half when the Tsar dies, which just seems to be setting him up for an assassination attempt.

The first two sons do a stakeout but fall asleep, and then the third one guards the orchard. One thing I love about fairy tales is how the youngest child is the one to get shit done. They're the smartest, they're the strongest, and they are the purest of heart. That's one part of fairy tales that is true to life. Anyway, the phoenix comes and Ivan grabs it but it gets away and leaves him with a tailfeather. The phoenix never comes back; I'm not sure why. But the Tsar loves the tailfeather so much that he orders his sons to go get the bird. The two older siblings band together out of jealousy of the fabulosity of their little sibling (Also true to life. Happens to me all the time) and Ivan goes off by himself.

Ivan rode on and on until he reached a pillar standing in the middle of an open field. On the pillar were the following words: "He who goes straight will be hungry and cold. He who passes to the right will be safe, but his horse shall die. He who passes to the left will be killed, but his horse will be safe." Choosing the lesser of three evils, Ivan decided to go to the right and rode for three days.

So a wolf shows up and eats the horse and then he leaves and then comes back and is like, "Hey man, sorry I killed your horse, but it's God's will, you know." Decent excuse. Then he's like, "I'll give you a ride." This wolf sounds pretty nice. We've had coyotes around before and they are killing machines.

So the wolf takes him to a wall, tells him to jump over it and take the phoenix. But Ivan can't touch the cage he's in, or he'll be caught. Not too sure how he's supposed to get the bird then, but whatever. Then all of a sudden he has the bird but it definitely doesn't say how he opened the cage without touching it. Telekinesis, perhaps? But then he goes back for the cage to make carrying the bird easier and he gets caught by a different Tsar. This one is like, "I'll give you the bird if you go to Tsar Afron and bring back the horse with the golden mane." And every time I see "Tsar Afron" I wonder if his first name is Zac. So they go to Tsar Afron's kingdom and the wolf tells Ivan to take the horse but not touch the bridle. But of course he does. So Afron's like, "Go to the Thrice Tenth kingdom and bring back Princess Elena and I'll give you the horse." So then they go to the new kingdom and the wolf is fed up so he goes to do the job himself. So then, of course, Ivan and Elena fall in love and Ivan's blubbering like a little schoolgirl. So the wolf says he will transform into the princess and Ivan can give him to the Tsar and then later when Ivan is gone he will think of the wolf and the wolf will appear. I don't know why the wolf is being so nice. I wouldn't be. Then Ivan and the princess go off to another kingdom and forget all about the wolf. Damn. So then he thinks of the wolf, the wolf appears, and Ivan asks him to turn into the horse and trick this Tsar like they tricked the last one. So they do that and then the wolf leaves.

On the way back to their own kingdom, Ivan encounters his two brothers, who decide to kill Ivan to get his loot. Elena's all, "Dude, you just killed a sleeping and defenseless person. You are both cowards" but they don't care and they go back to their kingdom. The wolf comes back, finds the body, blackmails some crows and tell them to get "magical life and death water" from the Thrice Tenth kingdom. So Ivan comes back to life, crashes Elena's wedding to his brother, Elena tells the Tsar everything (but presumably said nothing before then, for some reason). Then Elena and Ivan get married and they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: Um...I got nothing.

Moral I learned: Always listen to grey wolves. They know all.