Story Without a Title

Okay, this is one of approximately 38 stories I have starring the same two people. This isn't the first one, so here is some background.

Kate is a 17 year old girl who has been hunting the paranormal since she was 12. She meets Asher, a 17 year old boy who is part of a secret organization that is in charge of hunting the paranormal and gets drafted into their ranks. Periodically, I might have to explain something. These will be in square brackets and preceded by "AN" (author's note.)

To preempt any mean spirited criticism: It's unedited and it's also one of my earlier ones, so it's not that great.

Oh also, it's copy and pasted and for some reason it gets weird when that happens. So each time you see a little line it's usually a quotation mark. Sometimes it's ellipses or hyphens. I could fix this, but I'm too lazy.

So, here it is.

It was May long, and I had absolutely no plans. Well, that wasn’t completely true. I had no plans except for a long X-Files/Firefly marathon. I didn’t seem to have that much of a social life these days. Veronica and Morgan [AN: Veronica is her best friend, Morgan is Veronica's boyfriend] were always together and I didn’t have any friends other than them and Asher, and my dad was still in Mexico. [AN: For work]
Which is why I was so excited to read in the blogs that someone had spotted a big, furry, mammalian creature on Temptation Island yesterday. Hello, Bigfoot. Temptation Island was a little island out on Stony Lake where all the girls go to sunbathe. Hence, Temptation Island. [AN: There really is a Temptation Island where I'm from]. Peepshow extraordinaire.
“Hey, what are you doing right now?” I asked Asher. The phone accidentally slipped from my ear as I attempted to stream One Tree Hill episodes, but I quickly picked it up again without missing anything.
“What are you asking me to do?” he said quickly.
“I asked you first,” I replied.
“Damn you,” he grumbled. I had played my hand masterfully, as this was a difficult question. If he said he wasn’t doing anything, he could be roped into something he didn’t want to be roped into. If he said he was busy, then he might miss out on something extraordinarily awesome. It was a tough call. Eat that, Asher.
“I’m not doing anything,” he said, evidently deciding to take a gamble.
“Bigfoot has been spotted on Temptation Island,” I said.
“What the where?” Asher said.
“Bigfoot. Temptation Island,” I repeated. Why was he not comprehending?
“What the hell is Temptation Island?” he asked.
“The island where all the girls go to sunbathe, hence Temptation Island,” I said, kind of irritably.
“Got it,” he said. “Bigfoot’s been spotted there? That’s…random, to say the least. What, did some bimbos see a bear and they got scared?”
“No, some guy fishing,” I said. “But that’s beside the point. What if it really is Bigfoot? If we could get photographic proof, that would change cryptozoology completely!”
“I hate to go all Scully on you, but I’m pretty sure Bigfoot doesn’t exist,” he said.
“Asher, you’ve seen-”
“Whoa, hear me out Mulder,” he said. “How many people have gone looking for Bigfoot and no one has seen it. The Patterson-Gimlin film wasn’t real. For the amount of people that have gone looking for Bigfoot, you’d think real proof would have turned up by now.”
“Kind of like vampires, demons, and giant blobs?” I reminded him
“I’m just saying, Bigfoot is like, the quintessential supernatural entity, and there’s tons of lore and everyone goes looking for him, but there has been no concrete proof that it exists.”
“Come on,” I wheedled. “You’re not doing anything, I’m not doing anything, at the very least we could have a kickass camping trip and canoe outing.”
“You sound really desperate,” he teased. “Why don’t you get Veronica to go with you? Have a girl’s outing?”
“Veronica’s hardcore, but she’s not one for the stakeouts,” I said. “She fell asleep during the first half of Batman Begins, and that’s the most exciting part.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem, since Bigfoot isn’t showing up,” he said.
“Come on,” I cajoled. “Please? It will be fun! Way more fun than our last adventure. Less viewings into people’s brains and more canoeing and cooking marshmallows over the fire.”
“For a second there, I thought you said canoodling,” Asher said. “No chance of that?”
“None whatsoever,” I said. “There is, however, a high chance of my very own rendition of Kum Ba Yah.”
“God help me,” he muttered. “Okay, fine.”
“Bring your own tent. And stuff. Okay, bye!” I chirped.
“Wait, wait,” he said, arresting my phone’s descent into the cradle. “Tent? Why?”
“Why else? So we can stay overnight on Temptation Island!”
“You didn’t mention this before,” he said.
“Yeah well, I’m mentioning it now,” I said.
“Is that really necessary?”
“Dude, you know as well as I do that supernatural things enjoy the darkness,” I pointed out. “Staying overnight is a logical choice.”
“You are so twisted. Most people go and get wasted on a long weekend. You’re looking for Bigfoot.”
“Okay, here’s the thing. Veronica came over on New Year’s and we drank pilfered vodka and played Trivial Pursuit. [AN: This is actually how I spent my New Year's. We didn't get drunk though.] We got monstrous hangovers and she puked in my bathtub. I have sworn off alcohol since then. By the way, Veronica thinks toads have five teeth and that groundhogs are birds.” [AN: True story: These were from strange answers my friends gave to Trivial Pursuit questions]
“Vodka will do that to you,” he said. “Where is Stony Lake?”
“I’ll pick you up in an hour,” I said.
“Great. I’ll remember to wear a helmet and knee pads,” he said.
“Ha. Ha ha,” I said sarcastically. “Toodles!”

I had never been much of a camper. I liked my iPod and my TV. But I still knew how to survive in the outdoors, mostly as the result of a misguided canoe trip in grade 10 with my classmates. I knew how to set up a tent and how to start a fire and how to cook over a fire and how to canoe like a pro. I also owned a canoe from when my dad wanted me to get more active but I rebelled drastically and cut a hole in it. It was now patched up and ready for service. After much wrangling, I successfully got it attached to the top of my car. I also packed a shitload of sandwiches (I get hungry, okay?), waterproof matches, bathing suit, blankets, tent, pillows (Four. No more, no less), and of course, supernatural paraphernalia: holy water, salt, stakes, a knife, and silver, although I was pretty sure normal things would work on Bigfoot just as well. I stuffed it all in the back of my car, got in, and headed over to Asher’s. He met me outside with a duffel bag and a bag holding his tent.
“I hope you’re ready to use your muscles today,” I said, shifting into first as soon as his door closed and roaring off.
“You’re one to talk,” he said. “Do you actually have muscles?”
“Whatever, I’m an amazing canoer,” I said. “What did you bring?”
“Tent, sandwiches, camping stuff.”
“Do you even know how to camp, pretty boy?” I asked.
“Believe it or not, I have gone camping before,” he said.
“Yeah, with your butler,” I muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
[AN: Asher is extremely wealthy, Kate isn't. She makes fun of him for it]

We parked in the small parking lot of the lake. Stony was used primarily for fishing, so there were no cabins on the lakefront, just a small dock and a bunch of rocks. We had to walk down a little gravel path, past the EconJohns and an inquisitive chipmunk. The two of us were attempting to portage with the canoe and succeeding questionably. We finally set it down a little heavily at the edge of the water. We threw our stuff in the middle and I wobbled to the front and sat down, putting on my lifejacket. Asher got in last, making the canoe wobble precariously as he sat down.
“Are you sure you know how to canoe?” I asked.
“I’ve canoed before,” he said, pushing off from the shore with his oar and we slid out onto the water.
“You know, I never really noticed, but it looks cloudy,” I said, looking up at the sky as I paddled. “I hope it doesn’t rain.”
“Maybe you should have checked the weather before you decided to go after Bigfoot,” Asher said.
“When have I ever planned anything out?” I said. “It will be fine, we’ll just get a little wet. Stop being such a baby.”
“I wasn’t complaining,” he said. Lightning forked the sky. “It’s just that it’s probably not the best time to be out on the water.”
“Touché,” I said, glancing warily at the sky. Thunder growled right overhead. Temptation Island was still seemingly miles away. The wind picked up all of a sudden and bigger and bigger waves started coming at us.
“This storm picked up fast, don’t you think?” Asher yelled over the sound of crashing waves.
“Shut up and try to make it to Temptation Island before we capsize!” I yelled back. Too late. A wave hit us hard on the port side and the canoe overturned. I jumped free before the canoe overturned so I wouldn’t get tangled in it somehow, but Asher didn’t surface when I did. I quickly took off my lifejacket and dived under the water, where Asher was frantically trying to get his leg untangled from the rope that tied to the dock. As Asher was trying to pull the ropes off I tried to untie the knot that connected the rope to the boat, but that’s hard to do when it’s freezing and you’re underwater. Luckily, I had a small knife in my belt which somehow hadn’t fallen out when our boat capsized. I sliced through the rope in one swift motion and we both rocketed to the surface. I grabbed my life jacket from where it had floated a couple of feet away and looked around.
“Look, there’s an island over there!” Asher said, pointing. It was a small island that I never even knew existed, a couple of hundred feet from where we currently were.
“Sounds good to me,” I said, putting my lifejacket back on and swimming towards the island, Asher following in my wake. Something movies don’t tell you is that it’s very hard to swim in your clothes. I wanted to kick off my shoes but thought that I would probably regret that later when I was trying to walk around on the island. No one can say I never think ahead.
We crawled onto the island, exhausted and soaked. My jeans were clinging to my legs and were very uncomfortable. I glanced down to see if I was involved in an unofficial wet t-shirt contest but breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that I had worn a dark shirt.
“Aw shit,” I said, glancing back out to the middle of the lake where our canoe was rapidly listing and capsizing.
“That’s kind of an understatement,” Asher said, breathing heavily. “You okay?”
“Just dandy,” I said, getting up and looking around. I didn’t know how big the island was, exactly, but in my head I came up with the extremely specific estimate of “very large.” The perimeter of the island was a sandy beach, and the rest was a dense forest of birch and pine trees, broken by what can only be described as a natural pile of giant rocks. I’m sure that particular piece of landscape had a real name, but it was not currently occupying real estate in my head.
In short, it was a beautiful and pristine depiction of untouched wilderness. So why did I hear…
“A chainsaw?” Asher said, looking around.
“What the hell? Maybe a reclusive lumberjack lives in a treehouse. You think he has food?” I asked. We both peered into the trees straight ahead of us and as such were taken by surprise when someone burst out of the trees to the left of us. We both could only stand and stare in shock as we realized who was currently running after us with a chainsaw and a mask made of human skin. Three guesses as to who it was, and the first two don’t count.
“Is that-” Asher started.
“Leather-freaking-face?” I finished.
“It appears to be,” Asher said.
“What the hell do we do? I have no precedent for this kind of thing!” I screeched.
“Let’s run,” Asher said. He grabbed my hand and half dragged me into the forest.
“You know what?” I panted jerkily in between breaths. “Maybe getting lost in the forest isn’t really the best idea, you know?”
“And being cut to pieces by Leatherface is a good Plan A?” Asher panted back. The roar of the chainsaw was getting closer and closer, or maybe that was a product of my overactive imagination and/or my overactive adrenal gland.
“Do you have anything to defend yourself with?” I asked.
“Not unless you can throw knives,” Asher said, pulling out a utility knife.
“Pretty sure that’s going to help not at all,” I said. “Way to be prepared.”
“Whose fault was it that we are now stuck on a crazy island where Leatherface has taken up residence?” Asher retorted.
“I think it was your crazy steering non-skills that capsized the canoe,” I said. I glanced behind me and could see Leatherface getting closer and closer. “Faster, go faster please. How can that mofo run so fast? Isn’t he supposed to be retarded or something?”
“Shut up and keep running,” Asher said, pulling harder on my arm.
“Holy crap I’m tired. I have a cramp,” I complained.
“Shut up and keep running,” he repeated. “DOWN!” He shoved me to the side into a little alcove beneath some bushes. In fact, there was a little path completely camouflaged by bushes. I fell hard on my side and Asher dived in after me.
“Ow!” I hissed, rubbing my shoulder.
“Shh!” Asher hissed back, clapping a hand over my mouth. I could hear the drone of the chainsaw a few feet from the bushes. Underneath the foliage I could see his feet moving slowly as he listened for any tell-tale sounds from us. I inexplicably and involuntarily grabbed Asher’s arm. And then Leatherface slowly turned and walked away. I unclenched my hand from Asher’s arm and crawled out from under the bushes.
“What. The. Hell,” I said, looking around. “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a documentary?”
“Or some wacked out impersonator?” Asher mused.
“That was one screwed up childhood,” I said, looking around.
“Yeah, we have to get out of here,” Asher said.
“Thank you Captain Obvious,” I said. “Except you capsized our canoe.”
“It was not my fault,” he said.
“Yeah, whatever,” I said, brushing dirt off my jeans, which were wet, and as such, the dirt had turned to mud. Hunting monsters was sometimes terrifying and usually fun, but it always got my clothes dirty.
“What now?” Asher asked.
“Where’s the Professor when you need him?” I said.
“We could try to swim to another island,” Asher suggested.
“That’s a possibility, I guess,” I said.
“Afraid you can’t handle it?” he said.
“I have never pretended that I was athletically inclined,” I replied. “But I am, in fact, an excellent swimmer.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” Asher said.
“Oh, who saved you when your foot got caught in the canoe?” I reminded him.
“Touché,” he replied.
“Damn straight,” I said. And that is when we heard the roar. But not of a chainsaw this time.
“You know that part in Jurassic Park when the T. Rex roars when he’s chasing after the Jeep and Malcolm’s like, ‘faster, must go faster’? That’s what that sounds like,” I said warily.
“Are you serious?” Asher said. “Dinosaurs? Did you forget they died out millions of years ago?”
“Tell that to the freaking T. rex!” I said, my voice rising an octave. Asher turned his head to look where I was looking. Rising above the treetops was the massive, scaly head of a dinosaur. In fact, it was a dead ringer for the T. rex in Jurassic Park but it wasn’t like I had any other frame of reference. So maybe I was just catering to my overactive imagination when I started thinking that maybe this island was some sort of haven for movie monsters. But that was insane, right?
“Oh shit,” Asher said.
“According to Jurassic Park, a T. Rex’s eyes don’t register movement. Stay still!” I said.
“Jurassic Park is a movie, Kate,” Asher reminded me. “It doesn’t actually work like that.”
“Dammit,” I said. “And I guess running isn’t a good option, considering how that turned out for Gennaro.”
“Note to self - don’t go into the porta-potty,” Asher said wryly.
“Or suffer the indignity of getting eaten with your pants down,” I said.
“Should we be engaging in witty banter with a malevolent T. Rex ten feet away?” Asher asked quietly.
“Probably not but that’s pretty much the only thing keeping me from freaking out,” I replied. “Can we run now?”
“That probably wouldn’t be a good idea,” Asher said. “Didn’t you learn about dinosaurs in elementary school?”
“That was a really long time ago,” I said.
“I don’t think he’s seen us. We can slowly crawl back underneath the bushes,” Asher whispered to me.
“Then he’ll step on the bushes and squish us like a pair of mosquitoes,” I whispered back.
“Better than being eaten,” Asher said.
“But not by much!”
“Go!” I bent down and crawled as quietly as I could underneath the bush, holding in a grunt as a wayward branch made a long scratch down my forearm.
“Hurry, he’s moving,” Asher said.
“I’m going,” I hissed back. Once again, I found myself in the bushes with Asher.
Fact: You can’t hear a dinosaur’s footsteps from like a mile away. Spielberg exaggerated that. I never knew that I would be disproving Jurassic Park during this camping trip.
“What the hell is going on here?” Asher whispered in my ear.
“It appears to be an island with movie monsters, doesn’t it?” I said.
“How has no one noticed this before? It’s not exactly a big town, and it’s not exactly a big lake,” Asher said.
“Well, let me use my psychic powers to figure that out,” I said sarcastically, putting two fingers to my temples. “Oh, I’m getting a reading. I have no friggin’ clue.”
“Can you turn off the sarcasm for one second?” Asher said.
“This is me you’re asking,” I reminded him.
“Good point. Is it gone?” he asked.
“Well, let me use my psychic powers…” I started.
“Shut up, Kate.”
“Stop asking stupid questions, Asher,” I retorted. “What kind of hearing do dinosaurs have?” I asked, suddenly aware that maybe the dinosaur could hear every word and was being extraordinarily quiet as he stalked us and prepared to rip our innards out. But I knew I was just letting my fear get the best of me. “I wonder if it’s gone.”
“I don’t know,” Asher said. “I’ll check around the forest and see what’s out there. Stay here.”
“No,” I hissed, grabbing his leg as he started to crawl away. “I’ll go, macho man.”
“We’ll both go,” he said.
“Afraid I can’t handle it?” I asked.
“That’s precisely what I’m afraid of,” Asher said.
“Go screw yourself, Asher,” I snapped. I kicked out, hard, and got Asher right in the stomach. He grunted and doubled up and I ran out. The first thing I noticed was that the dinosaur was gone, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I heard a rustle behind me and I whirled around, ready to defend myself from Leatherface or Freddy or whatever. It was a little dinosaur, about knee height. It had the body movement of a chicken, and it was looking at me quizzically, its head cocked.
“Don’t look at me, creeper,” I said, backing away from the little dinosaur. I believed it was known as chickensaurus, but that was just my own personal theory.
“Get lost,” I said, fake-lunging at the dinosaur, which didn’t flinch at all. Instead it hopped forward and then stopped, looking at me. I nudged it with my foot, not quite kicking it. It glared at me and hopped forward.
“Listen,” I said to the chickensaurus. “I can kick your little dinosaur ass. Don’t think I won’t.” It hopped closer and then before I knew what was happening it jumped at me. The thing weighed about fifteen pounds but I was caught off guard and fell backwards. The chickensaurus was more aggressive than you’d think and he started clawing at my arms and chest. I screamed and kicked maniacally, but the dinosaur dodged my blows. I remembered from Jurassic Park that dinosaurs were more closely related to birds than reptiles, and I saw how this could be true. Birds move in quick, jerky moments, so that you see them in one place and then another, but you can’t comprehend the movement in between. This dinosaur was exactly the same way.
“Get away from me!” I said through clenched teeth. Finally I backhanded it and it fell off me, squealing. I grabbed a stick and stabbed it through the side. It squealed again and then lay still, blood trickling slowly from the wound. Evidently Asher still hadn’t recovered from the kick to the stomach because he hadn’t left the bushes yet. I could handle myself without him. And I was going to prove it.

Asher

Before I knew what was happening, Kate kicked out her leg and connected solidly with my stomach. The breath was knocked out of me and I fell back on the ground. Dammit, Kate, I thought through the haze of pain. I shouldn’t have pushed her. I knew what happened when I implied that Kate couldn’t do something. She usually hit me. [AN: This is a running joke. Kate always punches Asher when she doesn't get her way.] And this was no exception. Why did I never learn? She crawled out from under the bushes and was gone. I heard a scuffle outside but I couldn’t get up and check what it was. After about a minute I heard a thump as if something fell on the ground and then silence. I crawled out from under the bushes and saw a little dinosaur lying on the ground with a stick protruding from its ribs. Kate killed a dinosaur and then she ran off. What was she thinking? Who knew what else was out there?
I looked down at where her footprints retreated into the forest, and I tried to pull an Aragorn and track her movements, but the footprints ended about ten feet away and I didn’t know what to do from there.
The ground next to me exploded, getting dirt into my eyes. I yelled and leaped to the left, behind a boulder. What the hell was it this time? Mr. Freeze? Jason Voorhees? Godzilla? I peeked around the side of the boulder and at first saw nothing. But I heard a movement in the trees and looked up, and the telltale dreads told me that I was being stalked by Predator. Where was Ah-nold when you needed him?
A shot zinged by my head and dust clouded the air briefly. I had no Arnold. I had no Carl Wethers. I had no Kate for comic relief. I was on my own. Arnold Schwarzenegger at the peak of his steroid popping body builder phase barely beat the alien. How was I going to?
I decided to swim around the island and maybe lose the Predator. Granted, this wasn’t the best or most thought out plan, but it was all I had at the moment. The water was about 25 feet straight in front of me. If I ran as fast I could, I might be able to make it, get underneath the water, and then lose him. I looked behind me to where the Predator was still sitting in the trees, took a deep breath, and ran for it. Shots rang out but didn’t hit me, and one even took out the top of a shrub, but I didn’t stop or look back. I ran out into the water and started swimming for dear life. I wanted to just swim out to Temptation Island but I couldn’t leave without Kate.
I swam about half a mile and then pulled myself onto the shore, breathing heavily. Kate was definitely a better swimmer than I was, but I would never admit that to her. I lay on the shore, experiencing déjà vu from when Kate and I pulled ourselves onto shore barely an hour ago. Barely an hour ago? It seemed like an eternity.
And then I had a brainstorm. I pulled myself up on shore right beside a murky and somewhat creepy looking swamp. What did Arnold do to confuse the Predator? He covered himself with mud to fool the heat vision. Desperate times require desperate measures. I walked into the waist deep sludge and slathered the mud onto my arms and face. After my body was completely caked in mud, I looked around and tried to decide what to do next.

Kate

I ran as fast as I could through the forest, away from the creepy little psycho dinosaur, that I now remembered were referred to as “compys” in Jurassic Park. Like Asher said, I did learn about dinosaurs in elementary school, but that was close to ten years ago. All my knowledge of dinosaurs came from Jurassic Park, and God knows that book was probably flawed, so basically I had no help whatsoever. Awesome. I came to the conclusion that I probably shouldn’t have decided to assert my independence, kick Asher in the stomach, and run away. Note to self: start thinking before acting. I think that’s probably the millionth time I have made that mental note, and it never took.
I needed to find Asher. But considering the weird shit that was roaming this island, yelling for him was probably out of the question.
Wait. Wait! I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out my semi-waterlogged cell phone. I flipped it open and turned it on. The backlight came on but my welcome message didn’t appear. Nothing on my screen appeared. I pressed a button and heard the little beep, so I knew my cell phone wasn’t completely offline. I punched in his phone number and waited. It took a couple of seconds, but it started ringing.
“Please tell me it’s you,” Asher said.
“It’s me!” I said gleefully.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Asher demanded, echoing my thoughts from just a few minutes before, although I would never admit that to him.
“Well, I’m by myself and I’m still alive so I think I proved you wrong,” I told him.
“Great, you’re amazing, where are you?” he asked. “I’ll come get you.”
“No, let’s just meet up,” I said, looking up at the trees because I thought I heard something.
“Okay, I think there are a set of caves on the southern tip of the island. Meet me there. We can hide in the caves from everything out here.”
“’Everything out here‘? What else is there other than Leatherface and a dinosaur?”
“I may have been attacked by Predator.”
“Predator? Predator predator?” I asked incredulously. And I thought Leatherface was bad.
“Yup,” Asher said. “I lost him, but watch out for him. He’s in the trees somewhere.”
“Damn,” I said. “Where was Ah-nold when you needed him?”
“That’s exactly what I said,” Asher said. “Don’t die on the way there okay?”
“No problem,” I said. “See you in awhile.”
Now. Which way was south?

Asher

I hung up the phone with Kate and got up from where I was sitting in the mud. The island was eerily quiet. The only sound was the wind singing through the trees. I almost missed Kate’s wisecracks and sarcasm. Almost. I hoped she wasn’t hurt. There was a lot of stuff on this island that could do a lot of damage. I knew that Kate thought she could take care of herself all the time, but the truth was I helped her out a lot. And I didn’t want her to be alone on this hellhole of an island for an extended period of time.
Leatherface, dinosaurs, and Predator. What was next? Godzilla? Better not jinx myself.
I looked off to my left at the rocky cliffs and started off in that direction, hoping to avoid anything carnivorous with the need to kill.

Kate

South, south. I hated when people used actual directions because I never knew what they were talking about. Okay. So the sun set in the west, and it was past noon, so the sun would be in the west. “Never Eat Shredded Wheat…that way,” I said out loud, swivelling to my right. I was only 90% sure that I was right. Oh well. If I was heading in the wrong direction, I could just take a nice leisurely walk around this beautiful and completely stress-free island.
“Hello, beautiful trees,” I said out loud, feeling vaguely like a character in Oklahoma! “Hello blue sky. I am so glad this is such a beautiful day and that Leatherface isn’t real. Oh wait.” The tree a little to my right suddenly exploded and shards of wood went everywhere.
“Holy shit!” I shouted, ducking and covering my head. A piece of wood cut my arm and blood immediately bubbled out of the wound. “Dammit.” I pressed my hand to the wound, which gushed more blood than I expected.
I slowly got up, still cradling my arm, and a shot rang out again, making the ground right next to me explode. I dived to the side, behind a big rock. I peered around the rock and I didn’t see it at first, but when I searched the trees for a minute I saw the Predator. His dreads were waving slightly in the wind, his small and beady eyes scanning the ground for me.
“Go back and hunt Asher,” I grumbled, looking around for a weapon, any weapon. I saw a couple of twigs and some pebbles. I also saw a mud patch. The only part of Predator I actually remembered was when Arnold covered himself with mud to foil the heat vision. That, and Carl Wethers’ weird breathing action and Arnold’s multiple hero poses. But I digress.
I got on my stomach and crawled toward the patch of mud. More shots hit the ground but not me. Predator was a really bad shot, kind of like a Storm Trooper. I belly flopped into the mud and rolled around. I rubbed my face with mud. It kind of reminded me of the time Asher and I went after the blob. Good times.
I flopped down backwards when I heard the Predator coming towards me. I closed my eyes until they were slits and watched him through my eyelashes. I tried not to breathe. He knew I was in the mud patch but he couldn’t see me with his heat vision. I was actually living out Predator. A fictional movie. I waited until he stepped a little closer, and then I took my chance.
“ARRRRRGH!” I yelled a demented war cry and launched myself at the alien. I guess he was unprepared and fell backwards.
“How do you like that, jackass?” I yelled, punching him in the face twice. He dropped his gun and I kicked it away. Evidently the power of surprise was short lived because he boffed me in the face and I grunted and fell backwards. He started raining punches on me until I curled up in the fetal position and tried to wriggle away.
“Get away from her!” Asher yelled. He kicked Predator in the face and the Predator turned and glared murderously at him.
“Asher?” I asked. “We were supposed to meet at the cliffs! You weren’t supposed to help me, asshole!”
“You always need help,” Asher said. He picked up the gun and trained it on Predator, who stopped short. Asher pulled the trigger and hit Predator in the shoulder. He fell backwards and lay still.
“He’s down,” Asher said. “Let’s go stay in one of the caves until we figure out what to do.”
“Fine by me,” I said, getting up. “Nice mud.”
“You too.”
We started walking but both stopped at the same time when we heard a rumble that sounded like many feet coming our way. We slowly turned around to see what was happening. I’ve seen many scary things, not the least of which were a portal to Hell and several murderous people, but this probably terrified me the most. Every single creature on the island was coming toward us. I saw our old friends Leatherface and the T. Rex. Plus, Predator was getting up again, against all odds. But there were more. I picked out Freddy and Jason immediately. It took me awhile to recognize the head exploding lice from Cloverfield but they were there too. Miscellaneous dinosaurs, Godzilla way in the distance, Mothra behind him, Alien a little to their left…I felt like I was dreaming.
“We are so dead,” I said.
“Run,” Asher said. We couldn’t do anything but run, and there was nowhere to go except up a tiny path that led to who knew where.
“Where are we going?” I yelled to Asher, who had taken my hand and started to drag me faster up the hill.
“In the other direction from the monsters,” Asher yelled back.
“Thank you Captain Obvious,” I grumbled. I glanced behind. They monsters were big, but they could move pretty fast. Leatherface started up his chainsaw, his makeshift face grinning malevolently. The T. Rex let out a deafening roar.
“Faster!” Asher demanded.
“Not athletic!” I retorted.
“Gonna be dead!” Asher shot back. Desperation caused us to lose the ability to speak in completely sentences.
“Fine,” I grumbled, willing my legs to move faster. We reached the top of the hill and looked around. Three sides were a sheer drop to the water, and the fourth was being rapidly shrunk by a mob of angry fictional monsters.
“We have to jump,” Asher said.
“Are you kidding me?” I demanded. “It’s like sixty feet. I am not jumping, no way. I could hit my head on a rock.”
“It’s either that or be torn to bits by those things,” Asher said, gesturing towards the crowd of monsters that was getting closer.
“Great,” I grumbled. “Caught between a rock and a hard place filled with monsters. Unbelievable.”
“Come on,” Asher said, reaching out his hand to me. I glanced dubiously at the proffered hand, the lake, and the monsters in quick succession. I really only had one choice.
“If I die, I will kill you,” I said.
“I can think of several things wrong with that sentence,” Asher said.
“Yeah, whatever. You know I can make it happen,” I told him.
“Come on,” he said. I gripped his hand tightly and we both jumped. I suddenly had the thought that perhaps movie monsters would be living in the water, like water dinosaurs or Jaws or the crazy Swimfan. Too late for that now that I was midair and closing the distance to the water fast.
We hit the water and came up at the same time.
“What if Jaws is in the water?” Asher asked me.
“Don’t say shit like that,” I said. “Just swim.”

Two days later Asher and I were once again in a canoe on the water. However, I made sure to pick a day that was clear, sunny, and cloudless. Asher and I came prepared, but in a different way than last time.
We paddled until we were as close to the fateful island as we could get without running aground and running the risk of being caught on the island again.
“Ready?” Asher asked me.
“Ready,” I said, fingering the inoffensive bottle in my hand. The bottle was innocuous. The gasoline and sock inside it weren’t. The match in my hand also wasn’t. I lit the match and held it to the sock, which took a second to catch, but it finally did and blazed to life. I glanced at Asher, who was holding an identical device, and in unison we threw them onto the island.
“You know this is arson right?” Asher asked as we paddled around the island.
“Shut up and throw another Molotov,” I said, lighting another one up and chucking it into the flammable trees.
“We could get arrested.”
“We could either run the risk of getting arrested, or let people keep coming to this island and being eaten by Godzilla,” I said. “Two more should do it.” We paddled a little ways again, and both threw our homemade explosives. Flames engulfed the trees and licked the skyline as we watched. No monsters were visible from where we were, but I had to hope that they would all die with a few explosives.
“Ready to go?” Asher asked after we watched the island in silence for awhile.
“Yeah,” I said, picking up my oar and cutting the water with it.
“Want to make a stop at Tempation Island?” he asked hopefully.
“You wish,” I said. “Let’s go back to my house and watch Nightmare on Elm Street.”
“You practically lived it,” Asher pointed out.
“Yeah, well, I wanted to see if it was true to life.”
“Never thought I’d hear that.”

The End.