Okay, I've seen Twilight once or twice...OKAY, IT WAS THREE. DON'T JUDGE ME and it is probably the most hilariously bad movie I have ever seen in my life, and I've seen Body Rock. Not only do I giggle actually WATCHING IT, I giggle at reviews and pictures. It is that funny. I'm not sure what the next step beyond hilarious is, but that's what it is. Hysterical, maybe? Words cannot describe, but I'm going to try.
So here we go. Edward is hunting a poor little deer and there's an emo voice over from Bella.
It gets way better, trust me.
I have no idea if Kristen Stewart is an amazing actor for getting the bland, oatmeal, mumbly Bella persona exactly perfect, or if she just is an amazingly wooden actress. The jury's still out.
I have to admit, I really like the music in the movie. Some people think it's trite and overdramatic, but I really like it. Like I like the song in the beginning when Bella and Charlie are in the car.
Charlie=<3.
Forks has a population of 3120. Eat it, Bella. Foam Lake has 1200 and Tuffnell has 14. Stop whining.
One of many pointless, random, and hilarious scenes:
Charlie: Hair's longer. Bella: Cut it since the last time I saw you.
Charlie: Oh. Guess it grew out again.
Bella: Oh right, one bathroom.
Okay, seriously? There are two of you. I'm pretty sure Charlie doesn't spend hours primping. Stop whining.
Ha ha ha ha ha omg, JACOB LOOKS SO WEIRD. His wig is just insane and his teeth are SO WHITE.
I love Charlie and Billy together. near the beginning when they're play fighting, they are SO ADORABLE. They are the only characters that I actually, genuinely like.
Lol I think Bella just hit Jacob with the door of the car. HAHAHAHA.
Billy: I'm down with the kids.
Charlie: Oh yeah, dude. You're the bomb.
I love those two so much.
I'm not altogether sure if tudou is just bad quality or if the movie really is like this. It's just so blue and gloomy looking. I've heard different things. Some people say it was put through a filter really badly and some say they didn't notice anything except the colours were really muted.
Okay, Bella's friends actually have personalities and are actually cool in the movie. That was something that was greatly improved. Eric went from being a nerdy, greasy loser to a cool Gaysian who kind of reminds me of Bob. Mike is sweetly sincere and less annoying than the books. Jessica is just really perky and talkative and hilariously annoying. Angela is really pretty. She has no other distinguishing features.
Jessica: Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like, really tan?
Bella: Yeah, I guess that's why they kicked me out.
Apparently this is hilarious.
TYLER RANDOMLY KISSES BELLA. I think. It's not 100%, but I think he did.
Thank GOD, the movie isn't all, "OMG BELLA IS SUCH A NOVELTY EVERYONE IS FASCINATED BY HER." Because that is complete BULLSHIT. I've been a new student, and we've had new students come to my school, so I know what I'm talking about.
EEE, EMMETT! I love him so much. Sadly, he doesn't have a big part. I think he has like three lines.
I could not love this cracked out movie more.
Hey, there's no Mr. Banner in this one. He's Mr. Molina now. What the hell, writers. TWILIGHT'S NOT TWILIGHT WITHOUT THE HULK.
When Bella goes into bio for the first time Edward just looks like he's going to puke, not like he's really tempted to commit murder.
JIZZED IN MY PANTS!
That class was seriously like three seconds long. Bella goes in, sits down, Edward freaks out and leaves, and then the bell rings.
Why is everyone fascinated with her? Like the waitress is just fascinated and knows her favourite dessert, even though she hasn't been to Forks for like, years. I wish I got special treatment when I moved to Yorkton. But then, I'm not a Mary Sue.
Holy crap, extreme Edward closeup. That was unnecessary.
The Cullens have like, an army jeep. Wtf, where's the Volvo?
Why is Tyler even a character? He seems to randomly show up around Bella. I think he's a stalker too.
Mike randomly becomes a gangsta.
Edward: I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella.
Bella: Yes.
Who does that? Who's like, "My name is so and so, and your name is so and so. Like, they don't already know? And Bella's just like, "Yes. Yes, that is my name."
This is the boring biology part where it's all, "Prophase." "Can I check?" "Yup." "Prophase." "Like I said." Bella takes like a minute to say three words.
When Edward mentions the part about Forks being the wettest place in the continental US, he sounds like a) He's this close to forgetting the line, and b) He's reciting from the encyclopedia. Well, if you aren't having sex, what are you going to do but memorize the encyclopedia?
Love the lipstick, Edward.
HEY THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART!
Bella: Did you get contacts?
Edward: No, why?
Bella: Your eyes are black. Last time I saw you they were like yellow.
Edward: Yeah I know, it's the um, the fluorescence, um...
AND THEN HE ABRUPTLY TURNS AND WALKS AWAY, BECAUSE THAT IS GOING TO ARREST SUSPICION.
Then the van scene, which actually makes sense in the movie. The writer was probably trying to figure out wtf was going on and then they were like, "aw, fuck it" and then just made it actually follow the laws of physics.
HAHAHAHAHA CARLISLE LOOKS SO HILARIOUS! LMFAO, he has really slitty nostrils and he looks like a vampire version of Voldemort. You would not believe how much I laughed the first time I saw him. I could not stop giggling.
How does Edward think he's going to convince Bella that he was right beside her? They're not even friends.
AHHHHHH EDWARD IS WATCHING HER SLEEP THROUGH THE WINDOW OMFG SO FUCKING CREEPY. Except now we know from Midnight Sun that he was ACTUALLY INSIDE HER ROOM.
Jasper also looks hilarious, but I'll get a screencap from when Bella goes over to the house, because that's when he wears his most hilarious expression.
I find myself liking Edward's coat.
I can't believe 16 year olds are going on field trips. The only time I went on a field trip in high school was when I went to see Les Mes in grade 8. Someone threw a neon golf ball at Cosette. Good times.
Jessica just runs up to Bella and kind of shoves Edward out of the way and talks to her about Mike inviting her to prom. WAY TO BE A COCKBLOCK, JESSICA.
Another good thing about the movie. There IS some Edward "I love you, BUT STAY AWAY" but not to the extent there is in the book, so I don't want to tear my hair out, thankfully.
"HOW DARE ANYONE TELL MY MOM I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A CAR?"
Charlie= <3333333
How in the world would that apple bounce like a plastic ball? More physics failure.
"I'm coming over to talk to you to tell you to stay away, even though you weren't trying to be near me." I love this movie more than words can express.
Why would her theory be kryptonite? Kryptonite SAPS strength, it doesn't GIVE strength. Dammit.
Now we are at La Push and people are surfing. They're actually doing something!
Angela: I keep thinking Eric is going to ask me to prom but he just doesn't.
Bella: You should ask him. Take control. You're a strong, independent woman.
I can think of no other reason for the inclusion of this exchange than an attempt by Hardwicke to counteract the backlash from feminists over the Twilight series.
Okay, blah blah blah Cold Ones blah Quileute legends blah blah Jacob filibuster blah blah. Man, I like Jacob in this one. It makes me sad that he turns into a douche in Eclipse. I have to laugh to myself because I read an article about how Taylor Lautner was so happy to be like, the main character in the New Moon movie, and I was just like, "Whoa, Taylor, have you even READ Eclipse? Have fun turning into a date raping, baby fucking douchebag."
Yay, action. Okay, I think Cam Gigandet's James and Rachelle Lefevre's Victoria were the only two genuinely well acted characters in the whole show. James just oozed slime, but he had that weird villain charm, you know? And Rachelle Lefevre is just awesome (and Canadian!) Except I fucking HATED her "kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt. Like wtf? But the fur coat is awesome.
The dress shopping scene is almost as insanely tedious as it is in the book. I wouldn't want to rewatch films of me going grad dress shopping.
YES, EDWARD AND HIS VOLVO OF JUSTICE! He saves Bella from the rapists, yay.
Bella: You should put your seatbelt on.
Edward: You should put YOUR seatbelt on.
Dude, it's just like Nick and Norah Charles.
I wish I could get a good screencap of the waitress because she has this insane mullet/bouffant thing. I don't even know how to describe it. Twilight is so delightfully cracked out.
You know how in the book Edward IS NEVER FUNNY AT ALL, NOT EVEN AN IOTA? He actually says something genuinely funny in the movie:
Bella: You've got to give me some answers.
Edward: Yes...no...to get to the other side?
Ahhhh, my bootlegged Twilight is going fuzzy so I missed a few lines. It probably doesn't even matter.
I wish I could describe what it's like to hear Edward talk. It sounds like he has to physically force every word out of his mouth. It's hilarious.
AHAHAHAHAHA CARLISLE!
Why do they still think these people are dying from an animal attack? What kind of animal attacks people IN URBAN AREAS?
BELLA'S GETTING A BRAINWAVE. She's doing research. I see something that looks like an amoeba? I'm confused about her research here. She's getting hits for all these obscure mythical monsters, when you'd think all roads would lead straight to vampire, since that's the most common. But you know what else is surprising? How she even got to that conclusion at all. It's not like the Cullens actually have vampiric characteristics except for drinking blood, and lots of supernatural creatures do that.
Hee hee hee hee THE MEADOW SCENE! I don't know how they both got out to the meadow at the same time. Or why she's speaking and he's standing behind her. I guess it looks sexy but still. Really weird and impractical.
"Say it. Out loud." "Santa."
Bella always talks like she's out of breath.
"Ask me the most basic question. What do we eat?" Obviously he doesn't eat humans, because I think people in a town of 3000 would notice people dying.
Lmfao, someone mentioned that he looks like old school Mario when he runs because his top half doesn't match his bottom half. THIS IS SO TRUE. It just kind of looks like he's floating uphill.
I am so sad that the movie is bad quality and I can't see the sparklies! But I hear the shimmering noises and I can imagine. "This is the skin of a killer!" LMFAO yeah right, like my sparkly My Little Ponies were killers. Edward never does anything to show that he would kill a human. Sure, he kills a few animals and sure, he SAYS he wants to kill Bella, but does he actually DO anything that would give the impression that he's dangerous? No. Smeyer has a huge "show, don't tell" problem.
"AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME! As if you could fight me off." I can't stop giggling. I love this movie SO MUCH.
Sorry, you can't really see the sparkles so I added some. I'm not a computer expert so they look somewhat like mold spots, but I guess that works too.
HAHAHAHA THE SEXLESS SEX SCENE. Okay seriously, she lays down and then you expect Edward to be on top of her, but then he lays down beside her and they just stare at each other. It's so stupid/hysterical. It's shot like a sex scene, and set to music like a sex scene, BUT IT IS NOT A SEX SCENE. (twilight 6)
Edward has some sweet Risky Business shades.
Holy hell, the homoeroticism: (twilight 7)
Okay, I'm not going to go into the whole Carlisle=Jesus thing, but it still bugs me.
Whoa. The two of them were sitting in the rain and Edward (accidentally wrote Edwad, ha ha. BEST MISSPELLING EVER.) was soaking wet and all of a sudden they come back from a flashback and they're dry and in a different location. This takes place in the middle of a conversation, so it doesn't make sense.
EDWARD/BILLY STAREDOWN. I could not love this movie more.
Billy=<3
Okay, now they're at Edward's house. Their house is like 2/3 windows.
Ha ha ha ha.
Rosalie: Is she even Italian?
Emmett: Her name is Bella.
I LOVE YOU EMMETT. Emmett waving hello with the knife is one of the few intentionally funny things that works. I love him so much. Why don't he and Jasper have a spinoff yet?
Hee JASPER! (twilight 9) I'm not sure how to describe that look on his face. It's supposed to look like he's struggling with temptation, but it just looks kind of like he's confused about something. Like he suddenly got amnesia and is all, "Who are these people? Where am I?" Alternatively, it kind of looks like maybe Emmett stuck that butcher knife up Jasper's sphincter and he's just surprised.
Way to say Debussy with the French pronunciation, Edward. You are so cultured!
Ha ha ha, BEST LINE EVER, COMING UP.
"You better hold on tight, spider monkey!"
Oh. My. Lord. This movie is just bad line after bad line, with that one standing as the king of clunkers.
Ha ha ha, it looks like Bella's rubbing Edward's crotch with her shoe. Watch out Bella, Edward hasn't gotten any action for over a hundred years, you could be exciting him.
In the book it went on and on and on about how beautiful Edward's piano playing was and how he was like the second coming of Mozart and Beethoven combined, but in the movie it looks like he's playing something from one of my grade 3 books. Like, it looks like he's playing something REALLY rudimentary. Maybe Smeyer is just so bad at piano that she THINKS grade 3 is awesome.
OMG I SEE STEPHENIE MEYER'S CAMEO! I've missed it all three times I've seen it and I JUST NOTICED HER. Fucking Smeyer. Who does she think she is, Alfred Hitchcock? I wonder what's doing on that laptop. My guess is that she's looking at Edward/Jacob slash online. Since she seems to be SO IN LOVE WITH HER OWN FICTIONAL CREATIONS.
"I knew there was a boy! Is he nice? Is he smart?" "Yeah mom, and he also just FUCKING CAME IN THROUGH MY WINDOW LIKE A STALKER."
Ha ha ha. He kisses her and Bella like goes nuts and starts macking on him and then HE FLINGS HIMSELF AGAINST A WALL. It's so funny.
Lol, I love when Bella says that Edward is outside and Charlie like, snaps his gun into place and is like, "Bring 'im in!" They're playing baseball. This is so fucking amazingly bad.
Check out the uniforms! (twilight 11)
I couldn't get a group shot of the uniforms, but rest assured, they are all as hysterical.
I think Rosalie calls Emmett her monkey man. At least that's what it sounds like. I don't know why.
Rachelle Lefevre is so pretty. And Cam Gigandet just plays James SO WELL. I can't stress that enough. I wish he didn't have to be tainted by this movie, but it makes me happy to know that he got money from this. He deserves something for losing his dignity.
There's a really weird part where Bella is just staring at Edward like she got frozen in time. I screencapped it, but's it's not as effective as a still so I'm not posting it. So sorry about that.
Yay, the part where they're all crouching! (twilight 13)
Rosalie looks so unnatural. Emmett just looks like, "Hey man, I don't really know what's going on, but I'm going to stand here and hopefully no one will know that I don't know what's happening." Edward's like, "Ooh, quarter on the ground!" and Jasper looks like his amnesia is back in full force.
Awww, Charlie is sad! I love him so much and I want him to be happy. The part where Bella leaves Forks and yells at her dad is the only part of the book and movie where I feel something other than a) amusement, or b) disgust. In fact, it's the only part of the book or movie where I feel something that I'm SUPPOSED to feel.
Wait, I'm confused about something. Bella made a big deal about going to Phoenix so that James would go there but then...they go there? So why would they go to the place that they knew James was going? There might be an explanation for this in the book, but I'm too lazy to figure it out. And how does James know that Bella took ballet at that studio? He didn't actually have contact with her mom, so he couldn't know that way. He wouldn't figure it out from her school records. I guess I should just stop expecting logic from Twilight.
Bella says that, "Dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go." Really? I think dying of old age or maybe dying in a really awesome way, like getting hit with a toilet seat from the space station Mir (like George from Dead Like Me) would be a good way to go. Not sacrificing myself.
Cam Gigandet is such a good actor. You don't really get that from his time as Volchak on The OC, but surprisingly, it's really evident here.
I love when she's getting beaten up. It's like she's getting punished for the loss of my brain cells from reading the books, and that makes me feel good inside.
Try as I might, I never notice Alice breaking James' neck. Supposedly she does, but I have never noticed it in four viewings. Ha ha ha, now Jasper and Emmett are burning James in a bonfire and then they like, start dancing around the fire. It really is amazing. I love those two.
Edward just said "CARLISLE!" in like, a really pained way, and he sounded kind of like my goats do when they're giving birth. So anyway, Edward's sucking the venom out of Bella, Emmett and Jasper are still dancing around the fire and adding more wood to the fire and some weird country-ish sounding song is playing. Whoa, weird flashes of random images. Am I dying? Random emaciated looking orphaned child. I don't know how that got in there.
So Bella's in the hospital and there's a part where Edward's like, "You have to leave" and Bella starts stammering. I was trying to figure out how to convey how hilariously bad and contrived the stammering is, but luckily, youtube has come to my rescue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx8QzEXkAXA
I love this movie so much. Due in part to the fact that they took out the ridiculous scene where Edward kisses Bella and her heart stops.
Who wears leggings with a prom dress? I also think the Chucks are just a misguided attempt to make Bella seem edgy and apart from the crowd, but it's just dumb. I fucking hate Jacob's hair so much. It especially pains me because Taylor Lautner is such a cutie in real life but the hair just kills all that. I think he cuts his hair circa Breaking Dawn, but if they ever make THAT into a movie I will officially become a hermit.
I think it's a really assholey move by Edward when at the end Bella asks him to turn her into a vampire and he acts like he's going to and then he fakes out. That strikes me as really mean. It's something she wants more than anything, and he's all, "Okay, let's make you a vampire...JUST KIDDING! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" It's like if for some reason one copy of Supernatural season 4 came out early and someone was like, "Hey Robin, you want Supernatural season 4 a month before it's released?" and I'm like, "Hell yeah!" and then they're like, "PSYCH! Just kidding!" I would be PISSED.
Edward acts as if he would stay with Bella for her whole life, but seriously, would he really want to be fucking an 80 year old? Not likely.
Well, that's the end. I'm still on the fence on whether I'm going to buy it or not. I don't want to give Smeyer any money but Goddamn is this a hilarious movie. I want to be able to bring it out at a moment's notice and force it on people. I'm kind of excited for New Moon.
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