Twilight Chapters 13 and 14

I got a comment from someone I don't actually know (http://thelightsandbuzz.blogspot.com/2009/01/breaking-dawns-chapters-8-12.html#comments), and I want to reply to a few of her points. I'm not sure if she'll actually read this again, but whatever.

First, I get stupidly excited when I get comments, especially from people I don't know, so thanks! And thanks for the compliments.

"In fairness, though, I have to admit that sometimes your snark gets a little less sharp because you remark on "missing" details which you just overlooked..."
Yeah, I definitely just skim and if I get anything wrong or miss anything, I want to know. I don't want to go on living in ignorance, so drop me a line if I get anything wrong.

About the whole Down's Syndrome thing, I did realize I was wrong but I was too lazy to correct it. I think I mention it in a later post. As Smeyer would say, "I'm not a biology major" so I'm a little fuzzy on the science-y details.

Also, your English is great!
[/reply]

So, if you read and find something interesting, please comment. It would make my day and possibly my week, because I am just that lame. You like? You don't like? Any Twitards who want to take me on? Feel free.

Now, to the recap!

Chapter 13- Confessions

This is the transcription of Smeyer's original dream. I had a dream that pod people kidnapped me and Hailey from One Tree Hill and I ran away and the Lone Gunmen were chasing me on hoverboards. That was a sweet dream. But I am definitely not going to write a book about it and then publish it without editing it. Smeyer should take a leaf from my book.

Second favourite paragraph. Actually, I think it's tied for first:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved
in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Oh. My. Lord. That is some amazing purple prose. Let's break it down:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.
I have no idea how I blocked this from my mind when I read it. I really, really don't know. I'm confused how if you're flushed you can still be white. And I'm not going into the physiological impossibilities of having super hard cells and why said super hard cells sparkle in sunlight but not unnatural light, and why hard=sparkly anyway. My fridge is pretty hard but it doesn't sparkle like diamonds.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just love the use of the word "incandescent" and his "scintillating arms". Scintillating means "interesting." I have never really thought of arms as interesting. I can't even imagine it. "Oh, Edward. Your arms are so interesting!" They're probably the same kind of interesting as Bella's rant about how much she hates green things.
His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep.
So...he's wearing eyeshadow? Bella, sweetie...you can borrow my gaydar if you want.
A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Yes. Yes, I get turned on by marble statues all the time. Like, when I went to Musee D'Orsee, I could hardly contain myself.

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling.
But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to
hear.
People on the bus do this all the time. And they're not hot. Or just singing to themselves.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Is that a joke? Oh shit, I forgot this is Smeyer we're talking about.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too
beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of
his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.
"THAT'S A BAD TOUCH, CHAD!"

"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his
soft voice.
"No more than usual."
If you have to say that to your boyfriend, HE'S AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND.

I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of his
forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't
escape his notice.
"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He
sighed.
I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint
pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.
Lololol I'm sorry. I thought the MOVIE mastered the art of the sexless sex scene, but man. This is just BAD. She's writing as if she's giving him a blow job but she's just STROKING HIS ARM.

"It's a hard life."
"It's a hard knock life, for me!"

You know what else makes no sense? How the eating habits of the Cullens change their eye colour. LIKE HELL. That would mean my eyes would be bright orange from years of Kraft Dinner. AND the Cullens and the bad vampires all drink blood, so it would be logical to assume that all their eyes would be red. Smeyer fails at life.

But I couldn't answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in
my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike
anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling.
Oh, GROSS. GROSS. EW EW EW EW ICK.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in —
my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
Despite the fact that Smeyer beat it into everyone's head that the kids in the school instinctively stayed AWAY from them. Yeah. Yeah, good logic, Smeyer.

"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.
[...]
"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.
I loved these parts in the movie. I just could not stop laughing. HE'S A SPARKLY, NON VIOLENT VAMPIRE.

His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed,
they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
Kill me, please.

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
A;JKSDFYUSFAD;'SADF;ISADLGDSAFH KEYBOARD SMASH.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an
alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if
he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that
room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled
the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"
I prefer vodka, myself. This analogy is lost on me. It's like one of Seleho's analogies that make no sense. Mar, I know you're reading this. Comment with one of Seleho's messed up analogies.

"I love when my boyfriend compares me to drugs!"

"I spoke to my brothers about it." He still stared into the distance. "To Jasper,
every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a
struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the
differences in smell, in flavor." He glanced swiftly at me, his expression
apologetic.
I love this. The first three books are all about hammering home how Jasper is the youngest and how it's so hard to resist humans and then Bella gets turned into a vampire and she's perfect immediately.

Blah blah blah blah Edward filibuster blah blah blah blah blah blah.

"Well…" He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most
humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't
expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." He stopped short,
looking to see if he'd upset me.
WHAT? Oh yeah, the vampires are beautiful to attract prey...except the prey instinctively stays away. RIP LOGIC.

I tucked my chin.
What does that mean?

"Be very still," he whispered, as if I wasn't already frozen.
Don't move, Bella. DON'T MOVE. DON'T FUCKING MOVE. I MEAN IT!

Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my
throat.
"Edward? Edward, do you mind moving? I love you but...you're uh, crushing my windpipe."

His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to
rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
Listening to my heart.
"Ah," he sighed.
This sequence is so lame. I can't even mock it more than it already mocks itself.

Those guys with huge bags under their eyes are so sexy.

Yay, piggyback ride!

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as me!"
HA HA HA HA HA OH EDWARD YOU'RE SO FUNNY!

"Silly Bella," he chuckled.
Lolol. I wrote a semi-parody of Twilight and I actually said, "Silly Bella." I tried to parody, but little did I know HE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. You can't parody Twilight. It's such a self-parody already. It's like parodying Jack Chick.

Okay, let's talk about the vampires for a second. I don't have anything against taking artistic license with them. After all, they're not real, right? Here's a list of books/movies/TV shows who have changed vampires:

Buffy- They go into vampface.
Supernatural- retractable teeth.
Dresden Files- Three different kinds of vampires, all of which feed on different emotions (although I think the Red Court feeds on blood too? Not sure.) This was really interesting. They're more psychological vampires than anything else.
Moonlight- Vampires can go outside in daylight, as long as they wear hats? Or something? I didn't really pay attention. I just know I watched like three episodes and HATED the show. Even Logan Echolls couldn't save it for me. And Sophia Myles is so pretty! But I still hated the show. I gave it a chance. I really wanted to like it. But I don't. But that's a rant for another day (I actually think I already ranted on this somewhere else.)(Here it is: http://thelightsandbuzz.blogspot.com/2008/02/moonlight.html)
Fangland- I don't even understand the vampires in this book. I just know they scared the hell out of me, which is what vampires should do.
Blood Ties- Henry is invulnerable to religious paraphernalia. Oh, and Smeyer was trying to make Edward all sexually attractive? She should take a look at TV!Blood Ties to see how to do it right. Mmm, Henry...

So yeah. It's possible to change the vampire mythos and still have a good product and avoid irritating people. The difference is that all the vampires above had stuff in common: THEY WERE ACTUALLY SCARY. They were still identifiably vampires. It's not just the fact that they don't drink human blood. Angel doesn't. Most of the vamps in The Dresden Files don't. It's not just that they're "good" vampires. Angel, Thomas (Dresden Files), Henry Fitzroy, and Mick St. John (Moonlight) all are. The Twiverse vamps don't retain any traits of vampires. They can be out in the day. They don't sleep. They don't have fangs. They GLITTER. They're immune to garlic, crosses, and holy water. If all we have of vampires is the lore, and these "vampires" don't follow the lore, it follows that they aren't vampires. Oh sure, they drink blood, but that alone is not the mark of a vampire. Let's not forget that el Chupacabra drinks blood. Who's to say that the Cullens aren't all "Mexican goat-suckers" as Scully so eloquently puts it (Damn, I need some X-Files right now to cleanse my brain)? What makes them vampires? Nothing. The answer is nothing.

Now, to continue.

Oh, oh! Okay, I need to rant about Moonlight for a second. So, from what I've gathered, Mick St. John rescued Beth (Sophie Myles) when she was a child (like eight, or something) from vampires and then later, when she grows up, they fall in love. I had to work hard to not be squicked out. Okay, like, she's an adult and he's an adult and it's all legal and on the up and up and everything. I just get weirded out by the idea of having sex with someone you knew when you were an adult and they were a child. I had the same experience when I was reading this Heinlein book (I liked it, but apparently Heinlein is a raging mysoginist so I've been shying away from his books, but I've read every book in the Twilight series, so clearly, that's not a problem for me). Anyway, in this book this guy gets cryogenically frozen and then he wakes up like, twenty years later? And then he falls in love with this little kid that he knew before. Same squick factor. I know it's not TECHNICALLY statutory rape but yeah. It's almost like statutory rape.

Okay, wow. Back to the recap.

And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
Well, that's sexy. Okay, let's see. I want to test out how appealing it would be to kiss cold marble, but unfortunately I don't have a statue of David on hand. So I'm going to kiss my wall and I'll tell you how it goes. Okay, I did it. No seriously, I kissed my cold wall. It was...I don't know. Like kissing a wall? I'm not sure how much more descriptive I can get. It was cold and hard and weird. More and more I think kissing my wall would be EXACTLY like kissing Edward. It's cold, hard, and unresponsive. I also find it amusing how they kiss without tongue and just press their lips against each other but don't do anything. Like the kisses in movies from the 40's and 50's. Only those, I imagine, were hotter. Like, WOO, the George Peppard/Audrey Hepburn kiss in Breakfast at Tiffany's was AWESOME especially with the cat squished in the middle. And Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart? Hot. Myrna Loy/William Powell? Hot. Humphrey Bogart and that bitch I don't like from The Maltese Falcon? HOT. Somehow, Edward and Bella? Not hot.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"
Kissing expertise? What kissing expertise? He didn't even DO anything.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep
you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't
even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," he quoted with
a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
"Drunk?" I objected.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk
again.
Good God. I'm about to commit seppeku right here with whatever is near...my lamp. I will bludgeon myself to death with my lamp.

What? WHAT? I thought I was on the second chapter for today. THERE IS ONE MORE PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE.

Chapter 14- Mind Over Matter

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies,
ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."
Oh, fuck you, Edward. It's true that the fifties had Elvis and Johnny Cash and Jerry Lee Lewis, who are all awesome. But the sixties had The Beatles, Cream, Derek and the Dominoes, JIMI HENDRIX, The Who, Jefferson Airplane, etc. The seventies had Led Zeppelin and The Guess Who, plus The Beatles solo stuff, which was pretty good. The eighties were crap, except for Falco and Metallica. So fuck you Edward. You don't know what you're talking about. Oh, and Beethoven is so much better than Debussy. HA.

"There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
Dude, I know. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering why Rice Krispies snap, crackle, and pop.

He gazed into the sun; the minutes passed.
Why is that sentence necessary?

Edward Cullen would be two years younger than my great-grandmother, were she alive today (God rest her soul). Now, that is creepy.

He heard my intake of breath, though it was barely audible to my own ears.
How does she know that? The thing about first person is that you only know the MAIN CHARACTER'S thoughts and feelings, unless the secondary characters tell her what they are thinking and feeling. She would have NO idea if he heard her or not. DAMMIT, Smeyer.

I know I've had this rant already, but why does everyone think that Carlisle is the second coming of Jesus Christ? He saves people, so he's good. But what if those people DIDN'T WANT TO BE SAVED? I wouldn't want to be cursed with a thirst for blood and immortality. I have never, ever, wanted to live forever and if someone made me live forever without my consent, I would be livid. Smeyer had a PRIME OPPORTUNITY to put some psychological tension in the book between Carlisle and Edward especially but of course Smeyer is scared of anything deeper than lust based on looks so she chickens out.

No doubt his quick mind had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.
Not hard to do.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another
choice." The respect in his voice was profound whenever he spoke of his father
figure.
See? See? Carlisle is portrayed as this compassionate, amazing Christ figure. But his actions are morally questionable at best.

Oh, and? And? Carlisle basically turns the people and then brings them home AS POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNERS. Puh-leeze. They're like vampire mail order brides.

"I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."
I don't get this. Why do they have to keep getting married? They only interact with their family. They don't have to keep getting married for THEIR benefit. And why couldn't they just come to town ALREADY married? The lack of logic hurts my head.

Okay, so for some reason Alice can't remember her human life at all and I think she was in a mental institution? But I don't remember this EVER being explained. FAIL.

"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SCARY AT ALL.

"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper
outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"
WHAT? WHAT? WHY IS SHE FLATTERED THAT A FREAK IS WATCHING HER. AND APPARENTLY HE'S NOT JUST WATCHING HER, HE'S SITTING IN HER CHAIR INSIDE HER ROOM.

"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."
"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline.
I love how she's not freaked out about the fact that he watches her without her knowledge, but that he might have heard her say something in her sleep. And wtf would she say? Kat said "Mmm, Pringles." I laugh in my sleep occasionally. Mar says, "Scramble." Wow, sooo embarrassing.

How many times does Edward chuckle, for fuck's sake? 39. THIRTY-NINE TIMES. THERE ARE OTHER WORDS TO INDICATE LAUGHING, YOU KNOW. Chuckle doesn't even look like a word anymore.

I don't even know how long this post is going to be. But I want it to be over soon. Please, God. I would rather read The Magic Circle again than read this crap. And yet I continue.

He sat up slowly, so as not to startle me again. Then he leaned forward and
reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I
was a toddler. He sat me on the bed beside him.
Why is this attractive? "My boyfriend treats me like a toddler and carries me everywhere. That's so awesome!"

I can't remember what review I was reading, but someone said that they thought Smeyer was attempting to create a kind of Lizzie/Mr. Darcy witty repartee. I totally think this is true. It's like she's trying SO HARD to make Bella into an independent, witty girl and trying SO HARD to make Edward into a witty, charming guy but it is just NOT WORKING.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," he clarified. "In the last hundred years or so," his
voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would
ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and
sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at
being with you…"
HAHA HA HA HA HA HA I'm sorry. I love in 100+ years, he has never been attracted to anyone. EVER. Growing Up Cullen is canon, ladies and gentlemen.

"You're good at everything," I pointed out.
He shrugged, allowing that, and we both laughed in whispers.
Arrogant prick. I also love how the implication here is that if you totally squelch your sexual impulses, you have tons of time to pick up different hobbies.

"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the
shackles — I'm your prisoner."
Oh, geez, I don't even know what to say. This just sounds like really really bad dialogue from a Harlequin romance or bad soap opera.
But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.
It's interested that she would choose the imagery of manacles, especially since she seems to be a masochist. Manacles usually aren't sexy, or something that is widely desired. They bring to mind someone trapped, someone kept prisoner against their wills. Which Bella seems to be. Or, you know, Smeyer could just be thinking of those love cuffs that I saw everywhere in Barcelona.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all
that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something,
seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
The pictures=movies? Okay, I get being influenced by 18th century literature or whatever, but sometimes the archaic speech can go too far.

"Darn it," I muttered.
"Darn! I'm from the fifties and swearing is for heathens!"

He paused. "Should I sing you to sleep?"
"Because I'm a little baby."

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet,"
he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he
noted. "It's mouthwatering."
Oh, I totally get this. When I take out my floral scented shampoo, I get this huge urge to just take a mouthful. SERIOUSLY, flowers AREN'T APPETIZING.

Carlise's power is compassion. Esme's ability is to love. Emmett's ability is to be a big bruiser type, apparently. Rosalie's power is stubbornness. Wow, that's some great powers there. You can tell she loves Alice and Edward the most, since they get the best powers.

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage…
the same as it is for humans?"
He laughed in earnest now, understanding. "Is that what you're getting at?"
I fidgeted, unable to answer.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," he said. "I told you, most of those human
desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
"Oh," was all I could say.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"
"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"
He was instantly serious, I could tell by the sudden stillness of his body. I froze,
too, reacting automatically.
"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?"
I love love love how they can't EVER say the word "sex." They try to get their points across in the most roundabout ways possible. It took me a little while to figure out what they were talking about there. Even in Breaking Dawn, where Bella wanted sex sex sex ALL THE FREAKING TIME, I don't think they ever used the word.

Dear God, please let this chapter end soon.

HA, HE LISTENED.