Ghost Chapters 4-7

I'm not going to lie here, I don't want to do four chapters. Ghost is not nearly as fun to recap as Twilight was, mostly because Twilight was so batshit, with the imprinting, quasi-rape, abusiveness masquerading as love, whining, the stupid, obvious love triangle, the xenomorph known as Renesmee, the BABY LOVE, the deus ex machina, the lack of anything even remotely resembling logic, the bastardization of science, the list goes on and on. How can anything beat that? Ghost is supposed to be so bad it's awesome, but mostly it's just bad. Although I've noticed a few similarities in the execution of both Ghost and the Twilight saga series. The most glaring one I've noticed is how both Mike and Jacob are portrayed differently from chapter to chapter. In New Moon, Jacob is nice, normal, charmingly innocent, and probably the most realistic character of the whole series. Then in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn he completely metamorphoses into the mean, manipulative, quasi-rapist who FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY OMG. I think this is mostly because Smeyer needed to make Edward look more dazzling, beautiful, and charming blah blah blah. She doesn't know how to actually DO THIS, so she just makes all the other characters despicable. It's the same tactic Chick uses because he has no concept of writing. I touched on this in the last recap, but Mike kind of changes from unrepentant creepy misogynistic stalker to a devil-may-care Mal Reynolds type who heroically keeps his darker nature in check. Ringo is actually a good writer, so I can only assume that Ringo gets scared of how dark he lets his mind get and then kind of pulls back, only to forget that he got scared and then he makes Mike scary again.

Okay, here's your recap:

Chapter 4

Exposition about Mike: He is trained in "real" navy stuff, like all the shit to do with boats. He's really talented, top of his class in everything.

"Quote: Petty Officer Harmon is an erect petty officer of excellent bearing whose skills as a trainer are beyond reproach."
Hee. Erect. See how hard this recap is? I HAVE TO RESORT TO IMMATURE JOKES. I hate myself.

Apparently Mike is well liked by his peers and respected by his students. So then I assume that they don't know he stalks younger girls and scares them for no apparent reason?

"Petty Officer Harmon needs to work on his interpersonal and leadership skills."
That's for damn sure. He has to work on maybe not being a psychotic stalker rapist.

"Can somebody translate that for me?" the President asked plaintively.
I love this. I assume the president is supposed to be Bush (I think the book was published in 2005.) What the officer just said wasn't too difficult to figure out. I did. And yet the president needs elaboration.

So basically, Mike's career ended because he wanted to be a soldier in the Iraq war and people were concerned because of his lack of leadership skills and he could become a leading petty officer, which you need to be promoted. This, apparently, is what killed his career. This military stuff is confusing. Also, the whole "lack of leadership" thing came from when a weapon discharged and injured one of the SEALS he was in charge of. Mike told the guy that he was handling his weapon all wrong and the guy got mad and Mike was booted.

He would be subject to bends from rapid decompression in the climb and anoxia at altitude.
The bends. Sweet. Also, I thought that said "anorexia" and I was like, "How can he get anorexia from high altitudes?" Anoxia just means a lack of air. I'm also confused as to how these people know that Mike got on the plane. I thought it was supposed to be clandestine.

This is almost as bad as reading Tom Clancy. I almost want Mike to do something batshit just so I can have some excitement.

Chapter 5

Arabic was a really guttural language like Hebrew with a lot of hawking up loogies involved. These guys were hawking loogies so he probably wasn't in Iran.
You know what I love most about these books? The sensitive portrayal of women and other cultures.

For that matter, the clothes were too well made; the reason everybody in the third world wanted American jeans was that Levis were just better than anything made overseas.
Thanks for the advertisement, Mike.

You know, I'm not altogether sure how Mike got from Point A to Point B. How did he get on that plane? How did he know about the kidnapped girls? I'm just skimming so I probably should know, but I don't.

These chapters are even more boring than Breaking Dawn IF THAT'S POSSIBLE. Maybe if Mike would just sparkle, things would be better.

Hey, there's a character named Edward! Ghost/Twilight crossover, ftw!

"Young lady, is English your birth language?" he asked, his brow crinkling in puzzlement.
[...]

"And did you go to college?" Brandeis asked very slowly and distinctly, as if talking to a four-year-old.

"Yes," she said, her lips thinning in anger.

"Then perhaps you could try to parse out a sentence like: 'We cannot discuss the investigation except to say that it's ongoing and the full assets of the United States government are focused on it.' Do you remember me saying those exact words, young lady? Or are you just drawing pretty pictures in that notebook in your hand? A brief of my comments was handed out in advance. Maybe you should look it over and get help with the tougher words from Bill there. But for those of you who can neither read nor understand simple English, I'll make it simpler. We're not going to discuss the details of the investigation. If that's too complicated, we're not going to talk about what we know. We're not going to talk about what we don't know. We're not going to talk about what we may or may not be planning. We're not even going to discuss what we know about the weather, just in case you manage to divine something from that comment, correct or incorrect, and give it to whoever stole these girls. Now, young lady, is that clear enough for you or do you have to write it a thousand times on a chalkboard?"

Way to be a condescending asshole, buddy. Also, this kind of reminds me of grade 3 when I didn't ask a question in a complete sentence and Mrs. Ward, (the hugest bitch EVER. She made people cry, although my brother loved her for some reason) was all "Are you a little baby? Can't speak in complete sentences? Do you need a soother?" I don't remember anything from grade 3 except that. So I really, really dislike this person. Perhaps it's irrational, but it's my blog and I can do what I want.

Chapter 6

The action seems to be moving very quickly. It's good to have action *cough* STEPHENIE MEYER *cough* but sometimes when there's no lead up to it, it's a little problematic. I have the same problem with Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas books: They tend to start out action packed and never stop, and because Koontz is focused on the action, there's a dearth of explanation, which is why I'm so confused reading Odd Hours right now. That's the problem Ghost has. But if the action slowed down, we might be treated to another soliloquy by Mike on how he likes to stalk people, so I don't know. Maybe this is the lesser of two evils.

I'm really confused. How do these people (the President, et. al) know what Mike is doing? Why is he going after the kidnapped girls by himself? How does he know about the kidnapped girls? I just want to understand.

"And don't worry about charges: The President personally said he doesn't care about dead ragheads."
Way to be sensitive Bush Nameless Ringoverse President.

"Hoowah."
I know it's hard to convey noises into words, but I think this was a particular fail. What does this mean?

"Got a tad bent on the last flight," Mike admitted. "Joints are in bad shape. Dehydrated as hell, which doesn't help. Hungry. Tired. The usual. I'll survive."
I can get on board with the whole super buff manly thing where the guy loves 'em and leaves 'em and drinks lots (although now I'm getting the urge to call him "Big McLargeHuge" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFHlJ2voJHY). And like I said before, sometimes Mike is really awesome, and then he's all, "You can thank me by giving me a blow job in public" and I become sad. The dichotomy is so jarring sometimes.

Why in the world would anyone have a purple camouflage field uniform?
Well, Mike, do I really have to tell you?

"...and it showed his build. But. One of the khaki blouses worked to cover his build."
That was an extraordinarily clunky few sentences. Step it up, Ringo. I expect more from you.

Now he looked like either a nineties teenager or an oppressed local worker. He hoped. All except his shoes, which were just too good. And his hair, which was too short and cut wrong.
Lol. So he looks just like an oppressed worker, except for his build, the colour of his T-shirt, his hair, and his shoes.

Three Imodium would stop up an elephant, but he figured he was going to have worse problems than constipation and the opposite would be a nightmare.
I'm just putting that out there.

Chapter 7

So now we are introduced to Amy, a butch nursing student who was kidnapped. She's naked, which, does this have any purpose other than fanservice/wish fulfillment?

"Navy SEALs," Roman shouted. "We're here to get you off! Errr . . . out!" They high-fived again as the new meats looked at them in amazement.
Dear Jesus. New meats=the girls.

"Good evening, ladies. My name is Jamid Halal and I'll be your host for what you're about to endure. Let me cover a few things before we get started. Some of you are, I'm sure, positive that you're going to be rescued. You're not. Not only does the United States government have no idea where you're being held, but even if they found out, this facility is guarded by over a battalion, that's six hundred, of the most elite commandos. Not to mention a large group of mujahideen such as these gentlemen," he added, gesturing to the guards by the door. "Furthermore, it is surrounded by heavy air defenses that will shoot down any approaching helicopters or such. And this country that you are in has an effective air force which is more than a match for the American Air Force. Last but not least, if they do try to rescue you, my friends here," he gestured at the guards, "will be more than happy to kill every one of you. And so will I. I will be more than happy to put a bullet through each of your heads." He looked around at the renewed crying and smiled, happily.
Thanks for the reassurance, buddy. Also, what's the point of kidnapping all these girls? Their plan eludes me. This guy keeps saying that he will defeat the US by kidnapping girls but...seriously, I don't think that's going to work.

I don't know whether it's funny in a bad way or just bad that every single girl has to have her boobs described. Ringo describes their hair, eyes, and boobs.

"Doctor Chayanov?" the man said in passable English.

"Da?"

"You are late," the officer replied, grabbing his elbow. "Are those the samples?"

"Da," Mike answered in his best Russian accent. "Is terrible quality control. All of your people are shit, just shit."

"Well, you probably need to try not to say that to the president or the Great One," the officer replied tightly. "Be very polite."

"Da, I am polite," Mike replied.
It's a little surprising that Mike can successfully impersonate a Russian when he only appears to know one word. Oh wait, never mind. I saw him use the word "nyet". Apparently you can go far if you know the words for yes and no.