Midnight Sun Chapters 11 and 12

Yes, I'm almost done.

Chapter 11- Interrogations

So the rapist is found unconscious in an alley. Once he woke up, I'm pretty sure it would be obvious that he was sedated. My Baba was sedated for her knee replacement and when she woke up she was batshit crazy. So once they found out he was sedated, wouldn't they suspect some sort of foul play?
Even if Bella saw it [the rapist's mugshot] she would probably not recognize him. I hoped she wouldn't; it would make her afraid needlessly.
It would make her needlessly afraid. Syntax matters, Smeyer. Also, FUCK, Smeyer, if she saw his mugshot on TV because he had been captured WOULDN'T THAT MAKE HER FEEL SAFER?

Edward calls his vampire nature "the monster". He calls the rapist "the monster". Coincidence? I think not.
Would Bella want to know Alice? To have a vampire for a girlfriend?
This sounds like the start of some kind of lesbo vampire B-movie. There is actually a lot of lesbian subtext and innuendo in these books. Smeyer trying to tell us something?

Just fuck Bella, already. YES, WE KNOW SHE'S LIKE THE HOTTEST PIECE OF ASS IN THE UNIVERSE. YOU CAN SHUT UP NOW.

Also, Edward wants her to wear a low cut shirt. Not to show off cleavage, but to show off "the mezmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollow beneath her throat." Sexy.
Hungers that had evaded me for a hundred years.
How can someone live for a hundred years and not be aroused AT ALL?

Holy crap. My computer is going forward in time. It says "draft autosaved at 6:39 PM" except IT'S ONLY 6:38 PM. Freaky.

Lol, this is the "My shades, my car, my woman. You bettah recognize" part!

Edward and Bella are thinking the same things at the same time. So adorably saccharine.

Nobody uses the word "glum".

Too/to confusion!

For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try and kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk...And then she dies.
Wow. Romantic.

Blah blah blah.

Shoot! "I'm a clean cut teenager who never swears!"

The teachers' names are so idiotic. Mr. Banner. Ms. Cope. And now, wait for it...Coach Clapp. What, does he double as a sex ed. teacher too?

Here's something interesting. Jessica is watching Edward and Bella (and hilariously says, "Yum") and then says something to the effect of, "Better stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy." This whole series has been about how Edward is a fantasy man and fantasy trumps reality. It's interesting that Jessica says it's better to stick to reality instead of the fantasy and yet she's portrayed as a complete idiot. Further solidifying everyone's view that the whole series is Smeyer's screwed up fantasy.

I love that the most explicit these books (minus Breaking Dawn) get is how Edward loves "the soft cling of her blue blouse."

This whole book is written as if Edward is a love lorn thirteen year old girl. I'm pretty sure I acted like him when I got a stupid crush when I was a preteen.

The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing.
That's because it's a typical Mary Sue non-flaw. Duh.

Can Rosalie think of nothing more creative than "selfish jackass"?

SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING SWEATER, EDWARD.

Bella points out that hunting bears is out of season and Edward's like, "If you read carefully, the law only states it is illegal to hunt with weapons." Well if the bears end up DEAD, do semantics really matter?

Chapter 12- Complications

Wow. I actually wrote "Occupations" as the chapter title and I talked to my Baba and then watched Gilmore Girls for like a minute and then looked back and laughed.

Edward is strangely interested in what Angela wants. It's kind of creepy. Anyway, he's talking about how Angela likes this guy (Ben, I assume?) and Edward says something about "the difference that seemed so insurmountable" to her, and if I recall correctly this difference is that she is taller than he is. Okay, SERIOUSLY? I think little girls going through puberty before guys and have their growth spurts are embarrassed about being taller than guys. Not SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS.

What? WHAT? Edward really likes Angela because she's nice to Bella and he is going TO PLAY MANHATTAN MATCHMAKER.

Anyhoo, they're watching a movie and Mr. Bruce Banner turns down the lights and the sudden romantic atmosphere (Educational videos...mmm, sexy) almost undoes poor emotional Edward.

I'm reading but not absorbing right now.

I know I love it when men compare me to soap bubbles.

These books really are horrifyingly badly written.

Why did he switch from calling her Senora Goff to calling her Mrs. Goff? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Not crazy. Smeyer just can't handle continuity.

This is so contrived. Emmett and Edward have a fake conversation about how Edward is going to ask out Angela and Ben gets jealous and manly.

Emmett's like, "but who does she like?" and Edward's like, "My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney." So...Angela's in love with Dick Cheney? Does she know that he shot his friend in the face?

Holy shit, Angela is six inches taller than Ben. Either she is extremely tall or he is fricken short.

Eight pages. I'm almost done!

I think Coach Gonorrhea Clapp needs a larger part. Mainly so I can keep making STD jokes.

Thank GOD they stopped this book before Edward started asking Bella all those questions. Like RIGHT before. I dodged a bullet with this one.

Okay, so I know I said I was going to skip Twilight because I've read it twice before, But the unfinishedness of it all will kill me. So I think I'm going to start Twilight next weekend because I have midterms and stuff. I'm also not sure if I want Smeyer to write more books. I mean, they provide me with laughs (I did calculations, and her combined oeuvre, minus Twilight, have provided me with 90 hours of laughs. That's right, 90 hours I have spent recapping. Approximately.) But on the other hand...she really needs to stop writing.

I have also discovered a dormant love for shit books and these recaps. The problem is, I need to find shit books. I'm thinking I might do the Inheritance Series Cycle and hopefully all the works of Aaron Rayburn. And maybe the works of John Ringo, just so I can go OH JOHN RINGO NO every five sentences. So, until next week, this has been The Twilight Recaps.