They're sitting on the plane and Bella is all anxious and seriously, what is she going to do for the eight hour plane ride? Also, if Edward disappeared to kill himself, is that really going to take eight hours so they can go and save him in time?
Alice tells Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie not to go after Edward because if the Volturi kill Edward, the rest will fight him and the Volturi will kill Jasper and Alice doesn't want that. And they can't just think "Bella's alive!" because he'll think she's lying. So basically, Edward's a fucktard. I bet Bella's wishing Edward could hear her thoughts right about now.
Expository information about the Volturi. Keep the following in mind. Stoney 321 raised the interesting parallel: Volturi= Catholic. Old, powerful, have their centre in Italy, intolerant, stubborn. Mormons don't like Catholics. So the Volturi are the largest vampire family in existence because it's unusual for vampires to live together. There were three Volturi originally: Aro, Caius, and Marcus. Two females who aren't important enough to warrant names joined them later, and that's the family. They're over three thousand years old and Aro and Marcus have special powers. And they also have a guard. Nine are permanent, but there are others, and lots of them are gifted as well. Guard= Swiss guard. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR.
The Volturi chose them for their abilities, physical or otherwise." And look at that, Swiss guard have physical requirements as well!
"There's a reason he called them royalty… the ruling class. Over the millennia,
they have assumed the position of enforcing our rules—which actually translates
to punishing transgressors. They fulfill that duty decisively."
My eyes popped wide with shock. "There are rules?" I asked in a voice that was
too loud. Well, DUH, you idiot. Obviously the first rule about vampire club is that you don't TALK about vampire club. Why the hell did you think they were going to kill Edward for public sparkling?
"Shouldn't somebody have mentioned this to me earlier?" I whispered angrily. "I
mean, I wanted to be a… to be one of you! Shouldn't somebody have explained
the rules to me?"
Alice chuckled once at my reaction. "It's not that complicated, Bella. There's only
one core restriction—and if you think about it, you can probably figure it out for
yourself."
I thought about it. "Nope, I have no idea."
She shook her head, disappointed. "Maybe it's too obvious. We just have to keep
our existence a secret." She is SO STUPID. How is she still ALIVE?
The Volturi live in Volterra. This information may come in useful later.
And Jacob? He'd promised to wait for me, but did that promise still apply? Fuck, it's just like a WWII epic.
Alice is looking into the future now. So I guess Edward is actually just...asking the Volturi to kill him? And they're going to tell him no. But they think his talent for mnind reading is useful and they're going to offer him a place with them. Hmm. Could this be an allegory for Catholic conversion? Edward is a good little Mormon, so of course he'll say no. But then he has to find another way to kill himself. I love it takes all this planning, eight hours of planning, evidently.
"Actually, Bella…" She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly,
I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you
myself." Well, think of how much MORE ridiculous it shall get in Breaking Dawn. Bella wants to be a vampire, but Edward won't vamp her until they're married. But she doesn't want to get MARRIED. But then she does get married but she wants to have sex before she gets vamped. But Edward won't sex her UNTIL she's a vampire. It's all very confusing.
I wouldn't let him be distracted. Maybe, when I was beautiful and strong, he wouldn't want distractions. Of course, of course. You must be beautiful or YOUR MAN WILL STRAY. Only if you have an assholey significant other.
So now he's deciding to commit suicide by public sparkling, which, all things considered, is an awesome way to die.
She shook her head. "Right now, he's leaning toward the melodramatic. He wants
the biggest audience possible, so he'll choose the main plaza, under the clock
tower. The walls are high there. He'll wait till the sun is exactly overhead." Conveniently, he will wait a few hours until he dies, just enough time so that Bella and Alice can save him. I can just imagine them reminscing over this later, perhaps as a bedtime story for Renesmee. "Hey, remember that time when you brutally left me, and then Alice thought I committed suicide but I really didn't, and then Rosalie, that bitch, told you and you tried to commit suicide and I had to fly to Italy to stop you from public sparkling? Good times!"
Alice is now stealing a car. A yellow Porsche, to be exact. This chapter seems really really long.
If I was in Italy, I would be like, "Fuck Edward. If he's stupid enough to die, let him die. Now, let's go see the Trevi fountain."
There's some kind of festival in Volterra called St. Marcus Day, the same Marcus of the Volturi. Legend has it that he was martyred in Romania, trying to drive away the vampires. Is this a real day? I'm going to check. I think it IS a real holiday but I couldn't find much more information.
I groaned. That would be just like me—ruin everything, destroy the world, in a
moment of klutziness. When it comes to Bella's clumsiness, Smeyer has a HUGE show, don't tell problem. Has Bella actually ever DONE anything clumsy? Not that I can recall right now. Maybe once.
Chapter 20- Volterra
Anyhoo, Alice bribes some guy so that they can get into the city. Bella has to run to where Edward is going to commit suicide by public sparkling, and that doesn't get any less ridiculous every time I write it.
Why would vampires who were trying to remain inconspicuous live in a country that is known for being sunny?
"Even more running!" She runs toward Edward, shoving people out of the way and running through fountains and screaming his name and whatnot.
It was really him, no hallucination this time. And I realized that my delusions
were more flawed than I'd realized; they'd never done him justice. Please, Smeyer. For the love of God. Spare us more ruminations on how Adonis-like Edward is.
The marble skin of his chest was bare—there was
a small pile of white fabric at his feet. The light reflecting from the pavement of
the square gleamed dimly from his skin.
I'd never seen anything more beautiful—even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I
could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in
the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would
never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived. I guess she didn't hear me.
Edward finally sees Bella, he thinks he's dead, he quotes Shakespeare, and she tries to convince him that he's not dead. Yay, he won't die. But the
New characters: Felix and Demitri are part of the guard. Jane is a new vampire of indeterminate purpose.
Everyone has to jump through a hole and Bella is terrified, so terrified that she almost swoons, but the hole is like five feet deep, I don't know.
My clothes were still wet, and the
temperature underneath the city was wintry. As was Edward's skin.
He realized this at the same time I did, and let go of me, keeping only my hand.
"N-n-no," I chattered, throwing my arms around him. I didn't care if I froze. Who
knew how long we had left? I wish the world of Thursday Next was real and I could jump into this book and kill Bella.
1 comment:
HAHAH. You, my friend, are a genius. You were so fucking right, but hey- NM was still a pretty good book. I liked your version better though.
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