The Host Chapter 23

Chapter 23- Confessed

I love these expository chapter titles. It's like she couldn't be bothered to come up with chapter titles with a more profound meaning. You know, she should really go back to those Jacob chapter titles she used back in Breaking Dawn. When they weren't totally whiny and emo, they were actually funny. Or better yet, not have chapter titles at all. I mean, I haven't read books with actual chapter titles since I was reading The Babysitter's Club.

Anyway. So there's this scary shadow thing that turns out to only be Jamie. She is SUCH a coward. Murphy would kick this thing's ass, no question. Even if it was Dresden. Especially if it was Dresden. There's an amazing book trilogy by Libba Bray called the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, and the main character (Gemma) lives at the turn of the century, a time when women were CONDITIONED to be weak and whiny, and SHE would kick this thing's ass. Most women haven't been this weak and cowardly since the Victorian Age. WOMEN ARE EQUAL NOW, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?

So anyway, Jamie is coming to sleep in Wanderer's room. If you'll remember, Jeb inexplicably put Wanderer in someone's room. Apparently Jamie shares it with Pedobear. I don't know where Pedobear is right now. Maybe he died. Actually, I think he's keeping watch. So now Wanderer is all scared that Pedobear will kill her when he finds out that she's sleeping in his room. Why is Jeb doing this matchmaking anyway? It's like trying to make a love match between an antelope and a mountain lion. Jamie says that he said that Wanderer could have their room.

So Wanderer's been sleeping here for who knows how long, and JUST NOW we find out that sometimes people come to get her, like Kyle and other people. Thanks for sharing, Smeyer. You'd think that you would let us know a little sooner. Wanderer doesn't want Jamie to stay there in case people come looking for her.

No way. NO WAY. Wanderer tells Jamie to take the bed but he won't and she's going to wait until he's asleep and then carry him to the bed. JUST LEAVE IT, OKAY? If I was her, and he was like, "no, I'm sleeping on the bedroll!" I'd be like, "whatever, your loss."

Okay, so Smeyer seems to have problems with physics. The BIGGEST example of this is in Twilight when Bella almost gets hit by a van. Apparently the van bends around the truck and then returns to hit her and it's confusing and I've used visual aids but it still doesn't make sense. Anyway, there's a part here I don't understand:

“You can use my pillow,” he told me, patting the one next to the side where he lay. “You don't
need to scrunch up at the bottom there.”
I sighed but crawled to the top of the bed.
“That's right,” he said approvingly. “Now, could you throw me Jared's?”
I hesitated, about to reach for the pillow under my head; he jumped up, leaned over me, and
snatched the other pillow. I sighed again.

Did they just...trade pillows for no apparent reason? And why was Wanderer like, curled up at the bottom of the bed? I DON'T GET IT.

Jamie says that Uncle Jeb thinks that Melanie is still alive. I'm so glad someone finally noticed this.

He was not a boy to cry, and here I'd grieved him this deeply twice in one day.

Someone tell me, is that sentence constructed correctly? I don't think it is. I think she should use the word "aggrieved." DOES NO ONE EDIT HER WORK?

Jamie is crying and wanting to know if Melanie is alive and Melanie says to tell him she loves him but Wanderer won't because she's a douche. I don't know.

He was probably a tool. LMFAO, at least SOMEONE noticed!

Wanderer isn't telling him because she thinks that it's a trick to get her to admit that Melanie's inside. Wait...didn't she WANT them to know when she first came there? And Smeyer keeps talking about how evil and deceitful humans are. Oh PLEASE. The Aesop was done WAY better by other sci-fi writers. Hell, it was done better by DISNEY.

Wanderer finally admits that Melanie is still alive.

“Is everybody like that?” Jamie whispered long after I thought he'd fallen asleep. “Does
everybody stay?”
“No,” I told him sadly. “No. Melanie is special.” Of course she is.
“She's strong and brave.”
“Very.”

Smeyer does this ALL THE TIME. Like in Twilight, she kept SAYING how brave and independent and whatever that Bella is, but her actions TOTALLY contradicted that. She kept SAYING how romantic and perfect Edward is, but his actions totally contradicted that. One of th e biggest rules in writing fiction is show, don't tell. Since Smeyer sucks at writing fiction, she obviously doesn't know this. There is absolutely NOTHING to show that Melanie is strong and brave. I mean, she obviously gave up on her body.

HA HA HA HA she finally used the word chagrined! THANK YOU SMEYER IT'S LIKE MY BIRTHDAY.

“Your sister and I have… spent a lot of time together. She shared you with me. And… I started
to… to love you, too.”
“And Jared, too?”
I gritted my teeth for a second, chagrined that he had made the connection so easily.

Again, this was not a difficult connection to make. Melanie only loves two people in the world: Jamie and Pedobear. Is it so hard to figure out that since she loves Jamie she loves Pedobear too? JAMIE'S NOT THE PRODIGY YOU THINK HE IS. They make more obscure connections than that on Law and Order.

So now Melanie doesn't hate Wanderer at all. Why not? I would. And apparently she still doesn't care if she dies. Both Bella and Melanie don't care whether they die or not. Has someone thought to get Smeyer to a therapist? She's probably not a happy person.

Well,I thought,I just hurled myself out of the frying pan. Because what this story needs is more cliches!

Sometime in the night, Jamie and Wanderer ended up holding hands. I should be keeping a tally of all the tropes used in this story, because there are a lot. I also just realized I'm on page 206. I also have to rectify something. I can't remember what chapter it was, but I said that everyone was so stupid for not figuring out that Melanie was alive. Apparently Yeerks are SUPPOSED to act like their hosts, so I forgive Smeyer. But it doesn't change the fact that they should have figured out that Wanderer doing something so anomolous as wandering (see what I did there?) around in the desert without food or whatever should have tipped them off to something hinky.

“C'mon, Wanda. Day's wasting.” I could have died happy if he said "daylight's burning."

I was beginning to recognize most of them: the middle-aged woman with the long
salt-and-pepper braid I had seen with the irrigation team yesterday. Madame Helene? Is that you? Save a tree?

So now Jeb, Ian, and Wanderer are going to turn the soil or some such and Wanderer's scared because there's a shitload of people there. Apparently everyone's staring at her murderously. You know, maybe she's just so narcissistic that she THINKS everyone's paying attention to her.

Watching the sweat run down Ian's fair skin–he'd removed his shirt after a few seconds in the
dry scorch of the mirror light– Of course he did. FANSERVICE.

Their every motion had me cringing and flinching. Ever seen an abused dog? THAT'S WHAT SHE'S LIKE. This doesn't make me sympathize with her. That just makes her pathetic and annoying.

And they're done doing whatever to the field and Wanderer is sad because she has to work tomorrow. Hopefully she dies.