Chapter 12- Failed
I have never seen a chapter title that is more apt. Also, I totally forget what is going on (is it telling that I have forgotten this in a week?) so my confusion might show in my recaps. Okay, so they're currently in that abandoned house they randomly found in the middle of the desert. Never mind, they aren't anymore. I think they're lost in the desert. Again. For God's sake Wanderer, get a map. Whine whine whine. It's too hot, the ground is uncomfortable. Listen Wanderer, I went camping in a godforsaken area of Saskatchewan. My bed was right on a stick, and also a hill, so that every time I let myself relax, I would roll down the hill into a person that I despised. So do NOT talk to me about the ground being uncomfortable. HA HA HA she just figured out that she's been going on the wrong direction for like, days. EPIC FAIL. Now she like, fell on her knees screaming. Wanderer thinks Uncle Jeb was just crazy and it wasn't a map at all (likely, since the "map" consisted of a bunch of lines on a photo album) but Melanie still believes that there's something out in the desert. Now the both of them are going to die. Well Wanderer, if you could just distinguish your feelings from Melanie's feelings, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Melanie says she thinks that Wanderer has finally found her home, since she finally found the body she would die for. Awww. I still don't understand why they're friends, or when this abrupt change took place.
Why do I get the feeling there's a deus ex machina coming on? I can just see the telepathic woman from Sealand from The Chrysalids landing in a flying saucer to take Wanderer and Melanie away. I mean, it's not like this is a complete impossibility. She's already stolen from two other John Wyndham books. OH MY GOSH. How could I forget CHOCKY? That's about an alien and a human sharing one body. SMEYER, STOP KILLING WYNDHAM FOR ME! PLEASE!
Now they're discussing the afterlife. Yeerks don't believe in it. Wanderer mentions the love that "we" feel for Jamie and Jared. IT'S NOT YOUR LOVE WANDERER. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD.
Hey, here's a genuinely funny line, who knew?
How long?I asked her.
I don't know, I've never died before.
That sounds like something Dresden would say. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Where's a coyote when you really need one? Fuck you Smeyer. Coyotes don't attack humans.
Yes. YES! DEUS EX MACHINA! I EXPECTED NOTHING LESS, SMEYER. And it is a DOOZY of a deus ex machina. UNCLE JEB SAVES THEM.
Lololol:
“Well, now,” he said, and his gruff voice brought back a hundred memories. “Well, now, here's
a pickle.”
I love how she made Uncle Jeb into a total stereotype of like, an eccentric backwoods dweller.
Chapter 13- Sentenced
Now Wanderer is thinking in terms of "we", as if she and Melanie are truly one person. I...don't know what to think of this. It's almost like Smeyer hates individuality. Wanderer asks if Jamie and Jared made it but Uncle Jeb says they didn't.
All we had to do was not think. We could do that. That is like, a complete character sketch of every Smeyer heroine, not to mention a few of the fangirls.
Lmao, unintentional hilarity: We sat up carefully, surprised when we didn't break in two like a withered stick. For some reason, when I read this, I saw "we sat up carefully, surprised when we didn't break wind." I was like, "um...did you contract a bad case of bloat or something?"
I think this story is making me hallucinate. Half a page later, it actually said "there were eight humans half-circled around where I knelt under the tree" but actually read "there were eight half-humans circled around the tree."
Ooh, now they're all staring at her with hatred and holding machetes and guns and such. I'm confused as to why they saved them from death, just to kill them. Well, no one ever accused Smeyer of logic.
I knew there were reasons why humans let their enemies live, for a little while. Things they wanted from their minds or their bodies… RAPE. Sorry. I'm done now.
Now we find out that Wanderer has a secret, one that she would die to keep. That's what the humans want.
Just to clarify, I guess the aliens are collectively called "souls". I will continue calling them Yeerks.
Melanie tells Wanderer to tell Jeb that Melanie is still semi-alive, but Wanderer doesn't because she thinks Jeb won't believe her. You're going to die if you don't, Wanderer. What do you have to lose? But then I guess it could turn out worse if they think she's lying. In the immortal words of Andee from the Yard and Flagon: "You're damned if you do and fucked if you don't."
I love when Jeb speaks. He just SCREAMS eccentric backwoods hermit. It's like Smeyer never met a farm person and just decided that if it was a stereotype, it had to be correct. Anyway, this dude named Kyle wants to kill Wanderer (DO IT. IF ONLY TO SAVE ME FROM THIS PAIN) but Jeb won't let him because Melanie is his niece. Melanie sees her Aunt Maggie and starts asking about Sharon, and this old woman lunges at her and slaps her. Everyone's mad at Jeb because he's bringing Wanderer back to their home.
I love these hicks. For them, she picks names like Jebediah and Magnolia. Fuck, not all people who live in the country are named Jebediah for fuck's sake.
Oddly, I couldn't bring myself to hope for a quick end, though, or to try to effect that outcome. It's AFFECT for fuck's sake. AFFECT.
Oh, Jared's here. I was just thinking, what this story needs is MORE GUSHINESS ABOUT JARED.
Chapter 14- Disputed
Uh oh. Melanie runs forward to
But Jared's alive, Jared's here,she crooned. Kill me now, please, Smeyer. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. Hey, Sharon's alive. Jamie doesn't seem to be here, but we all know that Smeyer would never kill off a semi-important character. The doctor wants to experiment (?) on Wanderer but Jared doesn't want that. OH LOOK, here's Jamie. I knew it. And then...she faints? She's like a fucking Elizabethan duchess or something, with how delicate her constitution is.
Chapter 15- Guarded
Wanderer thinks they took her to a cave farther away to let her die. She hears a noise and freaks out, but it's only Jared, AKA Pedobear. He's bringing her some food or something. Are they keeping her in a dark cell and giving her food waiting for her to die of sensory deprivation? It reminds me of when I used to lock my Sims in a tiny room with like, a plate of food and a toilet, seeing how long it would take before they died. Jared is handing her a tray. I think it would be funny if just when she was about to take the bread, he would jerk his hand back like, "Nuh uh uh! What's the magic word?" like Dennis from Jurassic Park.
I considered this and found it true. Even if the child had become something or someone else,
neither she nor I could ever raise a hand to him.
That's different. You're like… a mother. Mothers are irrational here. Too many emotions
involved.
Of COURSE she's like a mother. We all know that all of Smeyer's female characters are maternal.
Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding. That reminds me of this crazy home ec video we had to watch (the same one where the guy was like, "Quiche! Pronounced...quiche!") where the narrator was smiling like a Stepford wife and grabbed a pan from the oven without mitts and was like, "Ouch! That's hot!" Obviously Melanie never watched that video.
For fuck's sake. Apparently Wanderer is legitimately in love with Jared, separately from Melanie. I'm so sure you can fall in love with someone YOU HAVE NEVER MET. All she has are two stalkery and mildly pedophile-ish memories of him from Melanie. That is not a turn on to me, personally. They're not even the same SPECIES. I KNEW this was going to get awkward.
Anyway, Kyle and his brother Ian are coming to convince Jared to let them kill Melanie, since they won't let the doctor experiment on her. Wanderer thinks Jared is being attacked and they launch themselves out of the hole they've been staying in. Tell me this: Is it a good idea to keep a potentially dangerous prisoner in a hole that they can easily escape from? Wouldn't they at least tie her up?
Chapter 16- Assigned
It appears that Jared isn't hurt, but Wanderer goes to protect him anyway.
“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror. Oh yes, SO TRICKY. All she had to do was WALK OUT OF HER PRISON. HOWEVER DID SHE MANAGE IT?
“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled. He put his head down and hurtled into Jared, throwing him into
the other man. LMFAO, "FINISH HIM!" Was the video game reference intentional? Probably not.
“Kyle, Ian, Brandt–back off!” Jeb barked. Wait...who the hell is Brandt?
Jeb says that it's Jared's decision what they do with Wanderer. Jared is referred to henceforth as Pedobear.
"First of all, we'll keep an eye on her. Secondly, she'd never be able
to find her way out of here–she'd wander around lost until she ran into somebody. Which leads us to number three: she's not that stupid.” I'm fairly certain she IS that stupid.
Jeb seems nice and as if he actually likes Wanderer. Ha, she needs to take a shit. This chapter seems interminably long.
Fear turned into hatred and violence in the human heart. Preach some more Smeyer. We haven't had NEARLY enough self righteous commentary yet. FINALLY, the end of the chapter.
Chapter 17- Visited
Weird Words List:
Cheesed off
Gol durn
Gossipmongers
It seems that the caves they are living in is in some kind of volcano so they have a natural sauna of sorts. How convenient. Turns out they all bathe together in some kind of bizarre Turkish bath scenario, but it's so dark that no one sees anything. Convenient. I also just found out that the word complacent TOTALLY doesn't mean what I think it means.
I love how Jeb just keeps chattering away while she's peeing. Does he not know how AWKWARD that is? I remember chatting with this girl in school, then going into the bathroo m where I didn't expect her to follow but she did and we kept the conversation going over the sounds of our pee.
“Well, for Pete's sake!” Jeb exclaimed, obviously irritated. “Can't nobody keep a secret around
this place for more'n twenty-four hours? Gol' durn, this burns me up! Bunch of
gossipmongers…” He trailed off into a grumble. ROFL it's like a cartoon caricature of a cranky old man! I LOVE it! It's so stereotypical and shows Smeyer's laziness in creating new characters.
Melanie sees Jamie and freaks out. Jamie's mad because no one told him Melanie was there. Jamie wants to talk to her. He's asking what happened to her blah blah. Jamie and Pedobear get into an argument about how they're treating Wanderer/Melanie.
Chapter 18- Bored
Me too. But this is the last chapter of the day!
Wanderer is going for a walk with Pedobear. Pedobear is angry and walks quickly, not waiting for her to catch up. Duh, that's how they GET AWAY, idiot.
I flinched and hurried to follow. I was sorry I'd let my attention wander. I could see how much it irritated him to have to speak to me. As Cleolinda would say, "It's a bit too 'I'm sorry I made you hurt me baby' for my taste."
Pedobear is sleeping outside while he is taking watch, and he isn't giving Wanderer a bedroll. Jeb is all sad that Pedobear is so cruel now. For like a week after that, Pedobear would sleep right outside Wanderer's cell. Wanderer is scared she is going crazy.
Ian is coming down to see Pedobear. For some reason Pedobear's whole life is taken up with guarding Melanie. He hates her, yet he spends all his time with her. That makes sense.
Ian tells Pedobear that the Seekers have given up the search. Ian mentions one has a Glock. I'm so sure Smeyer is a huge gun expert. Turns out that Wanderer's Seeker (I'm assuming) is the only one still searching. Why do I think there will be a huge showdown at the end?
Pedobear yells at Wanderer to tell him everything she knows about this Seeker. THE END, for now.
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