Anyhoo, back to recaps. This was written on Word a few hours ago and then copy and pasted, so yeah.
So here’s the deal. I’m volunteering at this journalism conference right now. I’m bored, and I don’t have the internet. So whenever I’m bored, I’ll do a chapter. That might culminate in like, ten chapters but whatever, it just means I’ll be done sooner. So, here we go.
Chapter 5- Isle Esme
They’re going on their honeymoon, down near Rio de Janeiro way.
As we headed due east into the open ocean, I reviewed basic geography in my
head. As far as I could remember, there wasn't much east of Brazil... until you got to Africa.
Wow, good job there, Bella. You are so smart.
Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis. How does vampire=Atlantis?
So Esme has her very own island and this is where they’re going for their honeymoon. Way to cheap out buddy. Take her to like, Paris or something.
I'd gotten used to the pale-on-pale color scheme preferred by the Cullens; it felt like home.
Lol oh, the beige.
I was more focused on the absolutely huge white bed in the center of the room, hung with billowy clouds of mosquito netting.
Lol he sure prepared for this.
"I was wondering, Edward said slowly, "if... first... maybe you'd like to take a
midnight swim with me?"
I don’t know why, but this is very funny to me. Like I don’t know. It just seems overly cheesy and clichéd.
Does it get any more cliché than French lingerie? That is ALL Alice packed. While like, thanks Alice, what the fuck is she supposed to wear the other 90% of the time that she isn’t in bed?
Somehow she’s so sure that she’s going to have sex with Edward (in the WATER like wtf?) and she showers and shaves her legs and then goes out and SERIOUSLY I mean it’s just a swim. Although lots of people have said that this part is actually well done. They say that her nervousness and everything is well written, and I agree.
Now. Props done. Back to your regularly scheduled snark.
Only Smeyer could write a scene with a naked character and make that distinction nebulous. At least when Dresden gets naked you really know it.
I looked across the low ripples, black in the darkness, searching for him. Oh, WOW. I read ripples as nipples. Hoo boy.
Okay, be prepared for THE WORST FADE TO BLACK EVER.
"Don't be afraid," I murmured. "We belong together."
I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.
His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It
felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
"Forever," he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
The sun, hot on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning. Late morning, maybe afternoon, I wasn't sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I knew exactly where I was – the bright room with the big white bed, brilliant sunlight streaming through the open doors. The clouds of netting would soften the shine.
Okay, I cannot describe my confusion when first reading this. I had these thoughts, in rapid succession:
a) Did they have sex in the water? Very Banger Sisters.
b) Did they then sleep in the water/on the beach? Weird.
c) For all the build-up, I expected more.
d) Wait…doors? Where are they?
And now I’m confused again. I ASSUMED that they went skinny dipping and then went to bed and did it like rabbits but…for the way they were talking in the water, maybe they DID have sex in the water and then moved inside to sleep. Perhaps it’s like water births (which I know A LOT about, don’t ask) where it hurts less? Oh, I didn’t get to the hurting part yet. Oh, so much squick.
Anyway, Edward is all pissy like a little girl and OH I forgot the funny part! That’s coming up next. Two minutes later, I forget what I’m talking about. Never mind, I remember.
This part is seriously so stupid. Edward’s all pissy and Bella’s all “WHAT’S WRONG?” and HE WON’T TELL HER. What would HONESTLY be his rationale behind making her guess what’s wrong with him? Like, there’s so much to choose from.
Okay, GROSS. She’s all bruised and sore BUT SHE DOESN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING. How freaked out would you be if you had sex with someone and then woke up bruised but you don’t remember why? Why is this attractive? Why?
So I don’t know what happened. Did she pass out? Did she just zone out? Either way it’s creepy.
"Ugh!" I groaned. "Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so inconvenient to be a mental mute!”
Urgh.
Holy
How long is this chapter?
SERIOUSLY, does this conversation about Edward’s self loathing and “Oh you’re hurt!” “No I’m not!” have to go on for as long as it has? Goddammit Smeyer.
My eyes stayed down. "I know it's not the same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that."
Of course, life doesn’t get better than superhuman sex. I mean, there’s more to life than that, but whatever. Also, I just think it’s hilarious that in the first book she didn’t know how to flirt with Jacob and now she’s like, got all the slut tricks down. (Tricks. Ha.)
"I also asked him what / should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me...
what with my being a vampire." He smiled halfheartedly. "Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part – you had already altered me so completely." This time his smile was more genuine.
"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second
only to drinking human blood."
Did they like, have this whole big family conference about what sex was like? That’s creepy. I ALSO know that I DEFINITELY would not talk to my mom and sister about sex before I had it. CREEPY.
“I want you to be happy.” “No, I want YOU to be happy.” “But I can’t be happy when I hurt you!” “But I AM happy. You didn’t hurt me!” JUST SHUT UP ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Hee hee hee. Edward bit some pillows and they exploded. I don’t even know HOW THAT HAPPENS. I can just imagine him. OM NOM NOM NOM. Lol and Bella has feathers in her hair. I don’t know if this is supposed to be funny, or sexy, or whatever.
'This isn't going to work," I sighed after a minute. "It's all dried in. I'm going to
have to try to wash it out." Dried in? With what? Edward’s saliva?
I don’t know if this is just a really long chapter or if it seems longer because I’m stopping to copy and paste.
Chapter 6- Distractions
It takes like ten pages to say this, but basically Edward is trying to tire Bella out every day so that she doesn’t want to have sex at night. WOW for how G rated these were circa Twilight and even New Moon, we sure have gone downhill (not far to go, obvs, but still) into like, Harlequin territory.
Whee, DANG.
Smeyer writes like a child. She uses words like “snarf” and “zonk”. And of course my favourites, “dang” and “holy crow”.
Bella wants sex SO MUCH in fact, that she will spend a semester at college just to get some. WHAT? I’m beginning to see why all the tweens HATED this book. It’s not that it’s any less badly written or anything, it’s that it’s so sex obsessed, and what 12 year old cares about that? They want to read about kissing and holding hands and forbidden love. Now that it’s NOT forbidden love and Bella’s all “sex sex sex!” they just can’t relate to it anymore.
"Yes, but... well, I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before."
"What's that?"
I wonder, you dumbass.
"You're tired. Sleep, love." He started humming the lullaby he'd composed for me when we first met.
I don’t know if I’m just stupid or what, but I definitely DON’T remember this lullaby ever being composed, and I also don’t remember it from the movie, unless it was that one song he played on the piano, although I was under the impression that was Debussy. Not a Debussy fan, so I’m probably wrong.
"Do you want me to sing to you? Ill sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams
away." DEAR GOD.
"When does the semester start? I wasn't paying attention before." I WONDER, you dumb shit. Probably September would be a good guess.
Earlier I said I couldn’t remember the funny part I was thinking of, but now I remember. I won’t ruin it, but here’s another pretty good part. Bella wakes up from a dream and starts crying and she talks about her staggering grief and everything and it turns out that…she had a sex dream with Edward and she’s crying because she wants it to be real. HA HA HA HA HA HA WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD IS THIS?
And there’s like another few pages about Bella wanting sex but Edward not giving it to her.
I think they had sex again but who cares? It’s not like there was any detail.
Ooh, Edward just ripped her nightie off. Oh, dear lord. I don’t even know anymore. And he broke the bed.
"Do you know how many eggs you've gone through in the last week?" He pulled
the trash bin out from under the sink – it was full of empty blue cartons.
What are eggs symbolic of? I can’t remember right now. Huh. Maybe it will come to me later.
Some Portuguese people come to clean the house and OF COURSE all foreigners are super superstitious and the woman freaks out at Edward.
"They have their own legends here. TheLibishomen – a blood-drinking
demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women." He leered at me.
Edward? Leering? I thought he was perfect and angelic and a gentlemen and all that. Not some sketchy Ron Jeremy wannabe.
They must have to like, reinforce everything with steel over at the Cullen house. If only Edward can do that much damage, imagine what having three vampire couples in one house would do.
Whee, DRAT.
"Maybe later. I had another idea for burning calories."
"And what was that?"
I wonder, you dumb shit. She’s horny. What do you THINK she’s talking about? Also, if you climb two flights of stairs you will expend the same amount of energy used in sexual activity. Thank you, Trivial Pursuit.
