The “Summit” logo stays onscreen for about thirty seconds too long, presumably for the illiterate people in the audience. Then we have the most boring opening ever, with a moon slooooooooooowly waning until the title is visible. Strangely, though, it’s pretty emblematic of the series as a whole.
I’m not really looking forward to this.
We open with Bella running through a crowd and then ending up in a field of flowers. She sees her grandma and then Edward, wearing some kind of weird suit with a bicoloured collar. Grandma has weird black eyes. GET BACK, BELLA, IT’S A DEMON! Sorry, that’s my Supernatural training kicking in. Edward sparkles and Grandma continues to be creepy. Turns out that Grandma is Bella ALL ALONG, GASP.
It’s Bella’s birthday and Charlie, the only passable character in the franchise enters. Didn’t he play Dr. Manhattan? Now I can’t imagine him without a six foot wang.
Bella freaks out because Charlie teases her about getting old. She honestly believes that she has a grey hair.
Bella takes a picture of Angela, Mike, Jessica, and Eric. Eric says, “Don’t worry, I’m in the picture. No one will be looking at you guys.” How has no one realized that he’s gay yet?
Edward strolls in in clichéd slow-mo fashion. I can’t look at that dude and not laugh. Thankfully, he gave up the lipstick. Actual exchange:
Bella: I’m a year older than you.
Edward: No you’re not. I’m 109.
Bella: I shouldn’t be dating such an old man. It’s gross.
Wow. Watch out, Buffy, there’s a new banterer in town.
I still cannot figure out if Kristen Stewart is a really good actress since she embodies Bella so well, or if she’s a really bad actress because she plays Bella with a lot of weird tics.
Jacob strolls in and I definitely thought he had a mullet. Wait, it’s just a bad wig.
Bella: You should switch schools. Hang out with the palefaces.
Racism, kids. It’s hilarious.
Jacob gives Bella a really ugly dream catcher. I can just see the writers of this movie. “You guys…what’s a really stereotypical Native American trinket?” “Dreamcatchers!” “BRILLIANT.”
Suddenly Alice and Bella are best friends, despite them directly interacting I think once or twice in the last movie. Jasper lurks creepily. Most fans (and nonfans) of the Twilight franchise like Alice the best, but I find her grating and annoying, plus she is totally an enabler of all the emotional and physical abuse and anti-feminism rampant in the series.
Jasper’s power is creepy. He can control moods. You know what that reminds me of? Starfox, the creepiest Avenger. Starfox is basically a walking aphrodisiac who, incidentally, went on trial for sexual assault. There’s just so much coercion and force in the Twilight series, and it honestly makes me really uncomfortable.
All the girls (and Eric) in class are crying while watching Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet is not romantic, you guys. Newsflash: dying for love is never romantic, it’s creepy and pathetic. Meyer for some reason thinks the fact that Edward can recite the play along with the actors is romantic. There is not a person in the world who doesn’t find that annoying. I watched HSM (I HAD TO, long story) with my cousin, who recited everything with the actors and it drove me NUTS. I watched The Breakfast Club with my friend who recited everything as well and I wanted to strangle her.
Mike’s bored face looks like mine when I watched Romeo and Juliet. The only thing that perked me up was Alan Rickman as Tybalt, and I remember being able to see his thong or something through his tights.
I totally forgot how creepy this was. Edward says that if Volchok, I mean James killed Bella, he was going to commit suicide. Yeah, because that’s not an alarm bell. Girls - if your boyfriend says he would commit suicide if you died HE IS NOT A KEEPER.
I FORGOT CHRISTOPHER HEYERDAHL WAS IN THIS. Hi Chris! Loved you on Stargate Atlantis and you were delightfully creepy on Supernatural. I’m so glad he’s getting jobs, and such a high profile one at that, but seriously? Twilight? Also the guy who played Tony Blair in The Queen plays an evil decapitating vampire.
Wow, this party the Cullens put on looks so boring. It’s just a bunch of pale people being bland. YES, Emmett is starting to be awesome. As stated in my recaps of the books, I love Emmett but ONLY because I can only think of him in terms of Emmett from Growing Up Cullen. Why are these people even buying her presents and going out of their way to do stuff for her? My sister’s had four boyfriends and my brother has had one girlfriend and I’ve never bought a present for any of them.
So anyway, Bella gets a paper cut, Jasper freaks, then she falls on some glass that I have no idea where it came from and all the vampires leave.
I’ve brought this up before, but I’ll say it again. Carlisle is talking about how he thinks vampires are damned to hell. So why did he think it was his place to turn others into vampires? If someone turned me into a vampire against my will I would be pretty fucking pissed, you know? He’s essentially playing God, and that is no one’s place. I don’t give a shit how compassionate you’re supposed to be.
They’re both crying and kissing and it’s such an emo makeout session. It hurts to watch! I just want to put on Batman: The Brave and the Bold or something and smile. At least the first movie was hilariously bad. This is just depressing and bland.
Edward explains they have to leave Forks. Evidently, Bella is a little slow on the uptake, because there’s a looooooong pause and then she’s like, “When you say we…” and Edward says “I mean my family and myself.” Yeah, you’re 109 years old and you still don’t know how to properly use pronouns.
I’m sure there’s a better way to go about breaking up with her…being a bitch and telling her that he doesn’t want her doesn’t seem like the best route. Yeah, yeah, had to prevent her from following him, whatever. Still.
Bella runs away for hours apparently, because it’s now dark, and she collapses and falls asleep. Or something.
A torso is carrying Bella veeeeeerrrrrrrry slowly. Every single Native is looking for her and by looking I mean standing over a map. There’s a guy who I’m pretty sure is a pretty famous Canadian actor, but I can’t remember where from. He’s probably from North of 60, and I’m fairly certain he showed up in Gunless.
So now Bella is sitting, greasy haired and glassy eyed, in her room while the names of the months appear. I just want to tell her to grow some balls. I am seriously offended on behalf of all womankind. Also, this is probably the most boring sequence in a film, ever, and I’m including the fifteen minute car ride at the beginning of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Bella wakes up screaming. DOES THAT HAPPEN? I mean, I’ve never dated anyone so I have no idea what it’s like to go through a breakup, but…I don’t think waking up and screaming like you lost a limb is one of the consequences.
Charlie is worried about Bella and she tells him she’s having a girl night with Jessica. They decide to go see a zombie movie. Jessica is blathering on and on in kind of an endearing way. Also, somehow Bella sees the EXACT SAME GANG from when she got attacked in Port Angeles before. I can hear Kevin Murphy: “Where are you going? We based our group on a mutual concern about where you’re going!” If you haven’t seen the Rifftrax of Twilight yet, DOWNLOAD IT. It is the best two hours you will ever spend. Bella goes over to see the gang, and Edward shows up creepily. A weird, hairy biker hits on Bella. Definitely thought it was Simon Pegg at first and I was both excited and ashamed for him.
Bella gets on a motorcycle with a random dude. YEAH, THAT’S SMART.
Bella decides that since she hallucinates about Edward when she does stupid things, she takes the logical step to do MORE stupid things.
I don’t like this feeling…but I kind of like Jacob in the second book. He’s bubbly, he’s nice, and he’s a normal teenager. Bella even turns into a more tolerable character around him. Then he turns into a date raping lunatic pretty quickly, thus ending the only bright spot in the series.
I remember being so excited that Michael Copon was going to take over as Jacob in the second movie. While Tommy was never my favourite Power Ranger, he was definitely the hottest. Then I could spend the whole movie making Power Ranger jokes. But he didn’t, and I’m back to making bad hair jokes.
I’m confused by something that just happened. Bella threw a piece of pizza…and then it changed into a wrench. Um…
Bella wakes up screaming…again. I don’t think people even do that when they have nightmares. And she’s screaming like she’s giving birth. WILL NO ONE TAKE HER TO A PSYCHIATRIST?
Wasn’t Billy Burke also in Almost Famous? How did he fall so far?
“Sometimes you’ve got to learn to love what’s good for you.” What the hell does that mean, Charlie?
Edward appears to tell Bella to stop riding the bike. Look, stopping her from getting on motorcycles with strange men, okay. But stop her from riding a motorcycle? Seriously. PS: I love motorcycles.
Jacob strips off his shirt to tend to Bella’s wound. Well, we had to create a contrived situation to get him shirtless somehow. Bella calls him beautiful. Now I’m not a guy so I don’t know…would a guy take this as a compliment? Somehow I’m thinking no.
Wow, Eric and Angela are dating. Hope you like being a beard, Angela.
Mike is so sweet and dorky. I enjoy how the actor plays him.
Mike asks Bella if she wants to see a movie and she says yes. Mike suggests a movie called “Love Spelled Backwards is Love.” Um…I think that would be Evol, but whatever. Bella wants to see a movie called Face Punch. Seriously? Are you effing kidding me? That is the best you could come up with?
Bella is buying Jacob’s ticket to see this presumably 18A movie. Um, pretty sure no one cares if a 16 year old gets in to see the movie.
Can someone please make Face Punch into an actual movie? Here’s the dialogue:
Man 1: Put your gun down.
Man 2: Put your gun down or I’m gonna blow your frickin’ head off.
Man 3: Both of you put both your guns down, or I’m gonna blow both of your frickin’ heads off.
Amazing. I kid you not, I would watch that shit in a heartbeat. I think it rivals the fake movie in Home Alone 2. “One…two…TEN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Jacob comes on to Bella but she tells him not to do that because he’ll ruin everything. Jacob says he’s not going to give up which is…slightly creepy? Jacob has a sudden infusion of testosterone and threatens to put Mike in the hospital. He’s running a fever and then leaves.
Hahaha, this old Native is the best dude ever. “Bear won’t get the drop on me, Bella. My kung fu is strong.” Sometimes Twilight comes out with random hilarious lines, which both excites and confuses me.
Oh hey, Jacob cut his hair. Now I don’t have to hold back vomit when I look at him. He has a tattoo now. Jacob has an attack of Edward-itis, because all he is doing is staring, looking sullen, and telling Bella to go away. So…is he like Sampson, except his hair kept all his personality? And now that it’s gone he defaults to bland beefcake?
Spoiler: He’s a werewolf. Just ONCE I’d like to see a non-angsty person who gets superpowers and has fun with it, you know? Like Blue Beetle or J2 (both of which are GREAT comics. I highly recommend them). Because I would love it if I could turn into a werewolf at will. None of this angst shit. I would straight up just run around all day.
Bella runs into Laurent. Fashionista that he is, he is wearing a brown suit with no shirt. Did he not have a British accent before? He seems to have a Jamaican accent now. (Edit: this is incorrect.) It might be a different actor. Laurent says “I’m here on behalf of the Volturi” and I totally thought he said “I’m here on behalf of the Taur’i.” I wondered when this moved to the Stargate-verse. Then I guess it would make sense that Christopher Heyerdahl was there.
Laurent says the Volturi are going to kill her because Edward killed James. Just a heads up. Yeah, sounds like justice to me. Anyway, a blue-eyed wolf shows up and chases Laurent away.
There’s a LOT of Bella waking up in the series as a whole. You know? I remember it happening at least three times in the last movie, and this is probably the second time in this movie.
Jacob looks so dopey. He goes into Bella’s room through the window and they stare at each other and then he’s like, “…hey.” And he looks so stupid. I wish I could explain it. I was doing streeters for class and talked to this guy, who I think was 17. He was one of those really pretty guys who looked like a model. But you could tell there was nothing in his head. It’s like that.
So…once you become a werewolf, you have to go around shirtless?
Oh great, Edward again. Bella’s having a trippy dream with Jacob and Edward showing up and moving around and stuff. And she wakes up again. I should be keeping a tally.
I think it’s so hilarious how all the werewolves walk around shirtless.
Whoa, Bella shows some backbone and slaps one of the Natives, who turns into a really bad CGI wolf. And answer me this: why does Jacob put clothes ON to go to bed? Is it not traditionally the other way around?
No, I am completely serious. They walk around shirtless ALL THE TIME. I’ve never seen a more blatant display of fan service, and I watch Supernatural.
So we meet Emily. Sam imprinted on her, which means she is his true love and she has no choice in the matter. Sam attacked her when he changed. But it wasn’t his fault! It was the werewolf part!
Random werewolf dude: This chick runs with vampires!
Bella: Can’t really run with vampires.
Long pause.
Bella: Cuz they’re fast.
Don’t explain the joke, Bella.
No seriously. THEY ARE HALF NAKED ALL THE TIME.
Re: being a werewolf. Bella: Can’t you just…stop? “Have you tried…not being a mutant?”
Bella says the vampires have never killed anyone. Um, I beg to differ.
This movie isn’t even hilariously bad, you guys. It’s just boring.
I just have to say, though, that Rachelle Levebfre has the best hair I have ever seen.
They’re hunting VAMPIRES and still it manages to be the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. I need Rifftrax on this, STAT.
Bella decides to go cliff diving in her clothes. Edward shows up as a creepy hallucination. At least take off your friggin shoes before you go swimming, sheesh.
Something weird happens and Bella hits her head or something and starts sinking. Edward shows up and is also sinking. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. THIS IS THE MOST BORING MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Can someone explain to me the logic of the werewolves running a fever all the time? I don’t think that’s a lycan thing…and it’s not a normal wolf thing either. It is really just an excuse for Bella and Jacob to snuggle all the time.
Taylor Lautner=bland bland bland. He’s like those hot but bland actors on the CW. Like Chad Michael Murray or Luke from the OC or the really hot guy from What I Like About You or the leading guy from The Beautiful Life (although I admit I couldn’t even get through an episode of that show, and I have a HIGH tolerance for crap).
I will admit that this movie has way more plot though, which is nice. The first movie was pretty much all “I love you…STAY AWAY” “But I love you!” until the very end when James got his head ripped off.
Bella has a phone from approximately 1965. The phone rings and Jacob answers it. Turns out it was Edward, who crushes the phone in rage. If the phone rang in my house and some guy answered it and wouldn’t tell me who it was, I would be PISSED.
Everyone’s always like, “Stay here, for Charlie” or “Don’t you care about Charlie?” Don’t they know by now that Bella doesn’t give a shit about her father?
Can I just say again how much I love Christopher Heyerdahl? I love him. I wish he had more lines. Ooh, and his voice is so delightfully creepy. He makes a great vampire.
Bella’s having a panic attack and then she takes off running. Edward starts to strip. He has weird old man loafers on. He sparkles and then Bella clings to him like a lemur.
HOW IS THERE A HALF HOUR LEFT? ISN’T THIS THE CLIMAX???
I don’t think I laughed at all during this movie, mocking or otherwise.
Dakota Fanning, one of few bright spots in this movie. I might be the only person in the world who enjoyed Hide and Seek but it’s one of my favourite horror movies.
WTF is Edward wearing? It’s some kind of weird red robe/caftan thing. He looks like a refugee from an ashram.
Aro: May I have the honour of reading your thoughts?
Later.
Aro: Interesting. I see nothing.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Chris Heyerdahl should be a voice actor, because he changes his voice for every single role I’ve seen him in. With Stargate Atlantis, it’s very formal and noble. With Supernatural, it’s really nasal and deep. With New Moon, it’s kind of breathy and evil sounding. Between SG:A and Supernatural, the difference was so pronounced that I didn’t even realize it was the same actor until I saw it on IMDb, and even then I didn’t really believe it.
Do all vampires have to wear Italian loafers?
The future. Edward and Bella are frolicking through the forest. Edward is wearing a weirdo 1800s outfit. Bella is wearing some sort of pioneer dress. Strange choice of clothes.
Bella wakes up yet again. This movie is 80% Bella waking from nightmares.
Jasper’s had, what, two lines in as many movies?
I LOVE Emmett. I cannot stop myself falling in love with him. But it’s 99.9% because of Growing Up Cullen. I just want to make that clear.
You know what makes me unhappy? Jacob and I both have tattoos in the exact same spot on the exact same arm. Except mine is better.
Strangely, New Moon did get something right about werewolves: in folklore, they keep their human eyes. There’s your factoid of the day.
Edward asks Bella to marry him and…that’s the end.
So basically, it is nowhere near as hilarious as the first movie. In fact, it’s just soul-crushingly tedious.
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