All Deadpool All The Time

Okay guys, I'm pretty sure 99.99% of you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but we need to discuss Deadpool.

As some of you know, I've recently gotten into comic books. My first foray into that strange, strange world was ASBAR, but my second was Deadpool.

Here's the trouble with being an extremely passionate fan of extremely obscure media: you can't discuss them with anyone. I'm a talker. I need to talk about things with people but nobody's heard of most everything I'm interested in.

Hence, the Deadpool post. Spoilers ahoy.

Deadpool is a mercenary who was part of Weapon X with Wolverine. He had cancer which the experiments cured him of, but he turned into a deformed crazy man in the process. He's an anti-hero, to say the least. If you thought Batman in ASBAR was bad, Deadpool is that turned up to ELEVEN. And I'm not sure how Joe Kelly manages it, but he still manages to turn Deadpool into a likeable character. If you're seen/read Watchmen, you'll know what I mean. I feel about him like I feel about Rorschach: I probably should hate them because they are both deeply morally reprehensible people, but THEY'RE SO DAMN AWESOME. If for no other reason than Deadpool is in love with Bea Arthur.

For some reason, Deadpool has friends, despite being kind of a dickhead, especially in the later issues. Those friends consist of:

Blind Al- His roommate/prisoner. She is an old blind lady who offers sage advice to Deadpool and doesn't take any of his shit.

Weasel- His best friend/weapons supplier. Kind of nerdy and Deadpool's personal butt monkey.

Monty- A crippled and skeletal ex-precog. More or less takes over Blind Al's role as deadpan snarker.

Ilaney- German girl who gets saved by Deadpool and then becomes his personal pilot. Takes over Weasel's butt monkey role.

Siryn- Member of X-Force and Deadpool's love interest.

Deuce- A German Shepherd that Deadpool stole from Daredevil and gave to Blind Al.

Let me just hammer this home- these people are ESSENTIAL to Deadpool comics. They NEED to be there to temper Deadpool's psychoness. Because otherwise his depravity would become grating and you would be like, "Why am I reading about a sociopath?" and the comics would cease to be fun. Deadpool comics walk a fine line between being fun and being uncomfortable to read. And as of issue 33 or whatever the heck I'm on right now, all these people are gone. Weasel (and Deuce) left after Deadpool locked him and Blind Al in a chokey-like room (more on that plotline later) and he realized that Deadpool was nuts. Siryn hasn't shown up for awhile, ever since she rejected Deadpool on the baseball field where they filmed Field of Dreams (more on that plotline later). Blind Al made a big deal about staying with Deadpool even though he set her free and then a few issues later she just leaves with no explanation. I think her leaving was one panel long. It was LAME, Marvel. Oh yeah, and Blind Al decided to stay with Deadpool because she owes him some kind of debt that he doesn't know about and according to my brother we never find out what she did that was so bad. So then Deadpool starts hanging out with Monty, who's AWESOME, and then fucking T-RAY (more on that douchebag later) kills him but Deadpool took him to L, L, and L (this space corporation thingie) and he's alive and I rejoiced but then he decided to leave. Ilaney has recently been eaten by snakes conjured by T-Ray and then trapped in a situation where she relives her worst memory over and over again. Not sure when/if she's coming back. So now what the hell am I supposed to do? I LOVE Deadpool but if I just have to read about him untempered by actual normal people NO THANKS. I might just have to skip to Cable and Deadpool. Cable's kind of a tool with no sense of humour, but at least he's good and he'll even out Deadpool's crazy ass personality. Whoa, that was one hell of a text block. Sorry, but my rant needs to come out.

Deadpool has two villains that I DESPISE. Like, with some villains I love to hate them, like Ozymandias was pretty sweet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Juggernaut and Black Tom (although this is 100% because of the fandub. "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" "Yeah, check out my PIMP CANE") And who doesn't like Mr. Freeze? But I despise T-Ray and Typhoid Mary. We'll talk about Typhoid first, since there's not much to say. She's like schizo or something, and repeatedly dicks Deadpool around and she has a crazy ass outfit. If I'm remembering correctly, it's a black leather belly shirt with enormous epaulet type things with spikes on them on her shoulders, a black leather thong, fishnets (although it's possible I'm making that up) and a face painted half black/half white. She's like the lost member of KISS. HOW IS THAT A PRACTICAL OUTFIT FOR A VILLAIN? Also, she impersonated Siryn and stomped on Deadpool's heart at a critical time. Fucking Typhoid. Also, I keep calling her "Bloody Mary" in my mind. Anyway, I just spent some time rereading an interesting story arc (Deadpool gets kidnapped by some guy whose name I can't recall and is forced to wear a pink bib and bonnet and almost gets suffocated by a giant teddy bear) and Typhoid is not wearing fishnets. Her thong reminds me of one I saw in France though. The front part was like the width of two of my fingers put together. It was fairly disgusting.

T-Ray is a ginormous steroid ridden albino mercenary with a band-aid on his nose. He's just an all around asshole who hates Deadpool. He and Deadpool had a showdown and he stomped Deadpool's ass, plunging Deadpool further into self-loathing. In later issues, he appears to have lost his albinism. Also in later issues, he begins to resemble David Lee Roth, so much so that I hum "California Girls" to myself whenever he shows up. I can't explain why I despise him, but I do. Also, he almost killed Monty, so that didn't help. Recently, it's revealed that Deadpool's past is a lie and that T-Ray is actually Wade Wilson and it was all very confusing for me. According to TV Tropes, which of them is actually Wade Wilson changes all the time. T-Ray also was a dick to Ilaney for no reason other than that she is a good person. I just wish T-Ray would go die, or something.

Deadpool has also had the most heart wrenching plotline since Scully's cancer plotline on The X-Files. Deadpool goes to Siryn to ask her if she'll be there for him (or something) because she's the only thing keeping him sane and keeping him from turning into an awful person (like fucking T-RAY) and she rejects him. He's all sad and then she later comes to him in the park and says she loves him and then they (presumably) have sex (Luckily, it was a fade to black, unlike some other comic we know (cough cough ASBAR)) and then in the morning it's revealed that it was actually (DUN DUN DUN) Typhoid Mary. I HATE that bitch. So he goes a little crazy and then comes home to find out that Weasel has been hanging out at his house with Al when Deadpool's gone and Deadpool freaks out because he hates people in his house and he puts them both in The Box, which is kind of like the chokey. There are blades and shit coming out of the walls. Al reveals that she once tried to escape and meet this guy who was in the Mafia or something so he could put her underground but when she got there Deadpool was waiting and he had killed the guy and Al lost all hope. It was all very sad. Deadpool seems to have no happy endings except one in which Monty and his (we thought) unrequited love go off to live together, but even that was sad because Monty was gone.

Short note about Ilaney: EVERYONE makes fun of her weight, from Deadpool to Mercedes (Deadpool's not-wife) to T-Ray. She didn't strike me as fat ever, but I guess in comic book world she would be (especially in a comic created by Rob Liefeld). It makes me sad because I love Ilaney, but everyone thinks she's fat or dumb. I think she would serve better in like, Daredevil or Superman or something, some comic with a nicer hero.

Oh, and Deadpool's ANGST. Sure, he has a lot to angst about, but it gets to the point where you're like, "STFU DEADPOOL". There are two points in particular that piss me off:

1. Deadpool periodically laments the fact that he will always be a killer and a bad guy and fate is keeping him from being good. WELL, WHO'S FUCKING FAULT IS THAT? He made the conscious choice to be a mercenary and he made the conscious choice to kill people. There's nothing stopping him from moving to the friggin' Rockies like Wolverine and living a peaceful life but he persists in taking jobs and doing bad shit but he seems to think that's not his fault. To Deadpool, the world is conspiring against him and he has no way of avoiding his fate.

2. I can't remember if I specifically read this or if I just kind of made it up in my head, but I'm pretty sure that Deadpool was bitching about his friends letting him down. WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? When you persist in sticking your friends in the damn CHOKEY like you're friggin' Miss Trunchbull, do you EXPECT them to always be there for you? I don't blame Siryn for not wanting to be with him because he's out of his mind FUCKNUTS but at the same time, I think the decision should have been a bit more wrenching for her, seeing as how she knew she was the only keeping Deadpool from going completely crazy and she was probably the only person standing between him and the deaths of random people. I hope she shows up some time in the series.

There's this chick in the series named Zoe and she has the most vomit-worthy appearance ever. She has an orange and brown (EW, REGIONAL COLOURS) spandex catsuit and this weird 80's haircut and pink goggles. She's kind of a bitch, but what I dislike the most about her is her boobs. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY NOT NORMAL. They're perfectly spherical, like she stuffed basketballs down her shirt. There are other instances of boobs being wack though. Like I distinctly remember one chick having ridiculously large Pam Anderson boobs and then another chick have one big bigger than the other. Like it was really noticeable. These are the things I notice while reading.

ANYWAY. That said, I really, really, really love this comic. It's very addictive and fun and dramatic. I text my brother my thoughts periodically, but he doesn't know how to continue a discussion so he usually just ignores me. I can't even say how good it feels to get all my Deadpool thoughts out.