The Host Redux: Prologue, Chapters 1 and 2

Okay, so I've done The Host before, but that was before I got into the swing of things and also before I realized how abysmal Smeyer's writing really was. I think this deserves a second round of snarkage. As a result, some of the jokes will be recycled, but truthfully, I'm probably the only one who will notice. So without further ado, your recap.

OH GAWD HELP ME. The cover of the book has a girl on it and whenever I open the book from Limewire, it's sized to like, 500% for whatever reason AND THE EYE IS STARING AT ME IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO FOREVER.

NOT FOR SALE
This PDF File was created for educational, scholarly, and Internet
archival use ONLY.
With utmost respect and courtesy to the author, NO money or profit will ever be made
from this text or its distribution.
Educational and scholarly uses? How can this be educational? "Always let men decide what you should do, because women are little and weak and can't do things by themselves."
Yeah, I'm not going to try to profit from this book, but not because I have respect for the author. It's because I don't want to subject anyone else to this horror.

The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
I would sure hope so. If anyone this book was actually REAL I would probably punch them in the throat.

PROLOGUE
Inserted

Heh. Inserted.

Oh shit, you guys! I never noticed this before because I did this recap before any of the Twilight ones, but SHE'S FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PREFACE AND A PROLOGUE! Thank God for that, because it bothered me every time I saw the word "preface" at the beginning of her books and it was not, in fact, a note from the author, but a prologue.

We are introduced to Fords Deep Waters, and whenever I see the name I can't help but think of Ford from Hitchhiker's Guide OH NO MUST NOT SULLY HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE. Anyway, Fords is a healer. He is, in fact, something called a Soul, which means he is "all things good: compassionate, patient, honest, virtuous, and full of love." Or as I like to call it, a race of Sues!

Fords is inserting a soul into the body of a human girl. The first time I read this I thought she was dead and was brought back to life somehow, but I guess she is still alive. But this isn't made clear, just like a lot of Smeyer's plot points.

At the word Seeker, Fords gave Darren a look that could only be described as a glare.
You know, there are many authors who say something to the effect of "cut out any unnecessary words." Authors like Mark Twain and George Orwell. But of course Smeyer is better, and she has to keep her prose as purple as possible. It's not enough to say "Fords glared at Darren." No, it was a look that could only be described as a glare. Despite the fact that saying "Fords glared" is in itself a description of a glare and now I'm going round and round in circles and "glare" doesn't even look like a word anymore.

“This soul was specially picked for the assignment,” Darren said soothingly. “She is exceptional
among our kind–braver than most."
They're referring to the soul that they are currently inserting. Or as I like to call her, Mary Sue.

Ha ha, every time I see the name "Darren" I think of Darren Shan. Maybe this book will unexpectedly veer into vampire territory after all.

Though they were all lovely, this one seemed particularly graceful to Fords Deep
Waters.
He was not alone in his reaction. He heard Darren's soft sigh, heard the admiring murmurs of
the students.
Definitely a Sue.

CHAPTER 1
Remembered

So the soul (whose name is Wanderer) wakes up and is getting accustomed to the body that she is possessing. She experiences her host body's last moments. She is running, she's failed at something, something called Seekers are coming after her, and she jumps down an elevator shaft. Fascinating stuff.

Some had more fur lower down on the jaw; those were always males.
Not always, Wanderer. Not always. I was on the bus and I saw this chick with a full mustache and a scraggly beard. It was...interesting. I also saw this other chick on the bus with thick, Elvis sideburns. Buses are interesting places.

In her host body's memory, Wanderer sees the face of a man. And:
I knew nothing of what passed for beauty among these strangers, and yet I knew that this face was beautiful. I wanted to keep looking at it.
Edward? Is that you? Why does EVERY SINGLE MALE have to be beautiful? She's like Laurell K. Hamilton in that she has some kind of strange fetish for girly men.
Think about this: she has NO IDEA what is beautiful to humans. Just like we don't know what passes for beauty in the world of, say, praying mantises. And yet with NO frame of reference, she considers this face beautiful. THAT'S HOW STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL THIS GUY IS.

Mine,spoke the alien thought that should not have existed.
This sentence bugged me last time I read it, for a few reasons. First, but not as foremost, is the feeling of possession. I guess it's acceptable, and anywhere else it wouldn't bother me, but with Smeyer's history of portraying love as abuse and intense feelings of possession, this bothers me. Second, a thought can't SPEAK. That's why it's a THOUGHT.

CHAPTER 2
Overheard

“I know,” the man admitted. “She is very strong. Others have had much more trauma, with
much less cause.”
Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.

The Seeker (okay, I'll explain it right here: They catch wild humans) mentions Chicago (Dresden!). If you were taking over a new planet, would you keep all the place names? If I was colonizing a city, I'd want it to be in English, not like, Arxons283 or whatever. More on the pointlessness of the alien invasion later.

Fords is bitching at the Seeker for using violence to catch humans. It seems like the Seeker is getting the Therese treatment. Let me explain. In For Better or For Worse, Anthony is married to Therese. Lynn Johnston was doing everything she could to push Anthony and Elizabeth together, including making Therese a horrible monster who (gasp) didn't want children and had ambition. The Seeker is portrayed as horrible for using violence but as far as I can tell, we never actually SEE her doing anything explicitly bad. It's all hearsay. Let's look at it from her point of view. The Souls took over Earth and she's doing everything she can to ensure the safety of her species. I mean, I don't condone alien invasion and xenocide, but if I was in her place I would probably do the same thing.

A damaged host would have been disposed of.
Argh, I forgot how often she ends her sentences with prepositions.

Storytelling was the most honored of all talents, for it benefited everyone.
Ho ho, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR. Let me just say, Smeyer, that the only way your storytelling benefits me is if I get to make fun of it.

Souls who took on the personality of the body, rather than the other way around. Stories. Wild rumors. Madness.
Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Most believed that only the least civilized souls, the least evolved, the lesser among us, would be drawn to the path of Seeker.
Hey now, I'm feeling a bit offended on behalf of the Seekers. Their profession is totally legit, and certainly more interesting than TRAVELLING LIGHT YEARS TO BE A CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK. More on that later, but I promise I'm not kidding.

So now Wanderer is looking through her body's memories to get information. The girl was looking for a cousin, and then the host body freezes her out. The end, for now.