The Host Redux: Chapters 7-14 Dear God Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Because I'm dumb, I have procrastinated and procrastinated on my recaps and I have eight recaps to do. So I'm going to try to make them as short as possible, but seeing as how long these frickin' chapters are, that's probably not going to happen. So anyway...

CHAPTER 7
Confronted

So there are these aliens called Fire Tasters who burn these things called Flower Walkers and then eat the smoke. OH NO THERE ARE THINGS THAT EAT OTHER THINGS. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S A PARALLEL FOR THAT IN THE HUMAN WORLD OR ANYTHING. And I mean, I guess the flowers are sentient, but it just seems like some kind of forced Aesop about eating animals.

The timeline is so fuzzy. Wanderer is currently teaching a class and it seems like Melanie has been in Wanderer for a while, (which sounds so, so wrong) but we're only on page 59. And there was absolutely NOTHING about Melanie and Wanderer adjusting to each other and it just seems so...just badly done.

Anyway, the Seeker confronts Wanderer about her reaction to the question about the Fire Tasters and let's take a moment to talk about the STUPID FRIGGIN NAMES SHE CHOOSES FOR THE ALIENS. And we haven't even MET the ice sculpting bears yet! Like, Wraith? Awesome. Borg? Sweet. Goa'ould? CREATIVE. (From Stargate: Atlantis, Star Trek, and Stargate: SG-1 respectively). Fire Tasters just sounds like some kind of Native American name or something, or perhaps the stage name of a circus freak who swallows fire.

"I think you'd be more comfortable moving on, and maybe someone else will have better luck with her.”
“Hah!” I shouted. “Melanie would eat them alive!”
I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that Wanderer is the only one strong enough to contain Melanie, considering her behaviour in the later part of the book. I almost exclusively watch shows and read books involving the supernatural and/or aliens and yet I'm finding it extremely difficult to suspend my disbelief here.

AHHH JUST LET THIS CHAPTER END PLEASE!

ZOMG SHE SWORE.

Okay, a kind of funny (unintentionally funny, because Smeyer doesn't know what humour is) is coming up. All you need to know right now is that Wanderer is going to Chicago to see the Healer. And in my previous recap, I kept making jokes about how Smeyer was FINALLY not obsessed with Phoenix.

CHAPTER 8
Loved

Aaaand, we have payoff! Turns out that Fords abruptly and for no particular reason randomly relocated to Phoenix.

Listen to this. The Singing World. The Dolphin World. The Planet of the Flowers. KILL ME NOW. I so much refer the Wraith, Goa'ould, Replicators, Ori, or hell, even JABBA THE HUTT would be better.

Side note: There's a robin building a nest on the balcony. And while it's cool to say, "Robin has a robin on her balcony" it's getting pretty annoying. But get this, my mom knocked the nest down twice and it worked THROUGH THE NIGHT to build another one. You have to admire that persistence.

There was a cabin, an ingenious dwelling tucked into a nook in the red sandstone, perilously
close to the flash flood line. An unlikely place, far from any trail or path, built in what seemed a
senseless location. A rough place, without any of the conveniences of modern technology. She
remembered laughing at the sink one had to pump to pull water up from the ground.
“It beats pipes,” Jared says, the crease between his eyes deepening as his brows pull together.
He seems worried by my laugh. Is he afraid I don't like it? “Nothing to trace, no evidence that
we're here.”
“I love it,” I say quickly. “It's like an old movie. It's perfect.”
What movie? Cabin Fever? Night of the Living Dead?

I hear Jamie's laughter echo through the narrow canyon as he runs ahead of us. His black hair
bounces with his body. He bounces all the time now, this thin boy with the sun-darkened skin. I hadn't realized how much weight those narrow shoulders were carrying. With Jared, he is
positively buoyant.
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie should look into that.

“Thank you,” I whisper, though I know shouting the words wouldn't wake Jamie now. “I feel
bad. This couch is much too short for you. Maybe you should take the bed with Jamie.”
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie IS looking into that.

“Yes, I am,” I agree. I take a deep breath to make me brave. “But if you go, I go.”
He hugs me tighter. “I'll admit, I prefer it that way. The thought of being separated from
you…” He laughs quietly. “Does it sound crazy to say that I'd rather die? Too melodramatic?”
“No, I know what you mean.”
No, it's melodramatic. If someone said that to me, I would probably laugh in their face, or run.

Hemust feel the same way I do. Would he say these things if he thought of me as just another
human, and not as a woman?
Ha, this is so cheesy.

“We'll stay here until the food is gone, don't worry. I've slept on worse things than this couch.”
“That's not what I mean,” I say, still looking down.
“You get the bed, Mel. I'm not budging on that.”
“That's not what I mean, either.” It's barely a whisper. “I meant the couch is plenty big for
Jamie. He won't outgrow it for a long time. I could share the bed with… you.”
There is a pause. I want to look up, to read the expression on his face, but I'm too mortified.
What if he is disgusted? How will I stand it? Will he make me go away?
His warm, callused fingers tug my chin up. My heart throbs when our eyes meet.
“Mel, I…” His face, for once, has no smile.
I try to look away, but he holds my chin so that my gaze can't escape his. Does he not feel the
fire between his body and mine? Is that all me? How can it all be me? It feels like a flat sun
trapped between us–pressed like a flower between the pages of a thick book, burning the paper.
Does it feel like something else to him? Something bad?
After a moment, his head turns; he's the one looking away now, still keeping his grip on my
chin. His voice is quiet. “You don't owe me that, Melanie. You don't owe me anything at all.”
Ha ha ha, he thinks she's trying to repay him with her body. This is so laughably bad. It's like a sci-fi themed porno.

Melanie and Pedobear make out.

“It was a miracle–more than a miracle–when I found you, Melanie. Right now, if I was given
the choice between having the world back and having you, I wouldn't be able to give you up.
Not to save five billion lives.”
“That's wrong.”
“Very wrong but very true.”
Ahh, it's like Edward ALL OVER AGAIN.

And now my second favourite part of the book:
“Jared,” I breathe. I try to reach for his lips again. He pulls away, looking like he has something to say. What more can there be?
“But…”
“But?” How can there be abut? What could possibly follow all this fire that starts with abut?
“But you're seventeen, Melanie. And I'm twenty-six.”
And hence, Pedobear. So anyway, Melanie's all, "Why does that matter?" and Pedobear doesn't actually SAY "statutory rape" but he implies that he doesn't want to commit it despite the fact that they're the last two adults (ish) on Earth and human laws shouldn't have sway anymore.
I'm not condoning statutory rape, but seriously, they're post-Armageddon. I don't think it should matter.

CHAPTER 9
Discovered

Damn. More memories of Melanie and Pedobear.

“You look like a dryad hidden here in the trees,” he whispers in my ear. “One of them. So
beautiful that you must be fictional.”
Well, that's romantic. Again, if someone told me I looked like a dryad, I would laugh. Or run.
Also, here's a dryad, guys:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dryad11.jpg
Hot.

“Says the last man on Earth to the last woman on Earth, on the eve of their separation.”
It seems like they don't care about Jamie at all. He's mentioned, but he's never actually seen. He's like a ghost. I think he actually is a ghost. It's just like this weird thing where in the early seasons of One Tree Hill I was sure that Jake was a ghost. He just seemed like one of those characters who, if someone was like, "Hey, I talked to Jake yesterday" then the older, wise, person (Whitey, natch) would be like, "But...he died two years ago." ANYWAY, I think Jamie is actually dead but Melanie is so psychologically screwed up that she pretends he's around and Pedobear humours her so she won't go nuts and kill him in his sleep.

Okay, How I Met Your Mother interjection. Spoilers ahoy. Barney is in love with Robin and I've been shipping them for the past season and half and ROBIN DOESN'T LOVE BARNEY BACK. I'm SO disappointed. But there's still like, ten minutes left in the episode so we'll see.

Anyway. Melanie is trying to convince Wanderer to go find her crazy Uncle Jeb.

YES. YES. IT'S NOT A NO FROM ROBIN. Aw shit, it's gone in the other direction again. DAMMIT, HIMYM. YES. Okay, I'm okay now.

My father always affectionately referred to them [Melanie's relatives] as the Crazies.
Way to be creative, Smeyer. Don't hurt yourself.

On one of those rare visits to Chicago, Sharon had snuck me into her mother's hidey-hole.
HA! I read this as "Sharon had stuck me into her mother's hidey-hole" and I was like WHOA, WTF?

I'm still not clear on what these "lines on the photo album" are.

CHAPTER 10
Turned

So they're in the convenience store, and the first time I read this I thought Wanderer was going to steal something, considering Wanderer called herself a criminal and she was acting really shifty. But apparently not. This is also where we meet the alien who travelled light years to come to Earth and become a convenience store. Dream big, buddy.

I'm watching Torchwood right now, and I LOVE the fact that Jack just went, "as if!" I love that guy. John Barrowman is also the second gay man I've gotten a celebrity crush on, the first being Neil Patrick Harris.

I'm still confused as to why Wanderer is helping Melanie escape. There's that thing where Wanderer is feeling Melanie's feelings, but don't you think that objectively she would be like, "Hey, wait, I don't really want to be doing this"? Meh, I don't know.

Anyway, they're sleeping in the car but Wnaderer doesn't want to.

CHAPTER 11
Dehydrated

Hey, do you think Wanderer gets dehydrated in this chapter? I'm excited to find out!

Her tone implied that I was quite stupid for not understanding.
Because you are.

So now they're walking in the desert. I'm not sure why they left the car behind, and frankly, I don't really care.

Wanderer's being a moron and drinking all the water and eating all the food. I live in a place where there are bodies of water EVERYWHERE, and even I know you should save water as much as possible in the desert. I think that's just common sense, of which apparently Wanderer has exactly none.

You see another option?She felt my panic, and her tone softened, as if with pity.Look–it's better than the car. At least it's flat. It's too hot for any critters to be attracted to your body heat and –
“Critters?” I demanded aloud.“Critters?”
That was my reaction, except for different reasons probably. Wanderer is scared at the prospect of scorpions or whatever getting on her. My reaction was something like, "Did she actually use the word 'critters' in casual conversation?"

I looked for the half-empty bottle I'd last drunk from, rummaging through the fulls and empties until I began to see a pattern. With a slowly growing sense of alarm, I started counting. I counted twice. There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
That paragraph is so stupid. But mostly because of this part:
There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
NO SHIT. We KNOW that there are more empties than fulls, and she has to spell it out that HALF HER WATER SUPPLY IS GONE? I thought this was supposed to be an adult book, and yet she still assumes her readers are idiots.

CHAPTER 12
Failed

Wanderer eats the rest of the food and then freaks out because she thinks Jeb is a lunatic. And then she starts walking out into the burning desert, for whatever reason. Then they lay down to die.

Yes, deus ex machina time!
“Uncle Jeb,” we croaked in surprise. “You found us.”
Uncle Jeb, squatting next to us, rocked back on his heels when we said his name.
“Well, now,” he said, and his gruff voice brought back a hundred memories. “Well, now, here's
a pickle.”

And of course, Jeb lives in the COUNTRY so he has to be the most stereotyical hick that Smeyer can manage.

CHAPTER 13
Sentenced

Jeb takes them to a colony with a bunch of other people and then decide whether she should live or die. I vote die, but my vote doesn't count.

I'll never tell.
"I'll never tellllllllllllllllllll."

I hate this book.

CHAPTER 14
Disputed

Pedobear comes to see what's going on, Wanderer goes to hug him and he backhands her. Yes, that Pedobear, HE IS SO SEXY.

Jared's here, Jared's alive, Jared's here.She was incoherent, chanting the words like they were
lyrics to a song.
I think what I love the most about Smeyer's books is her ability to create such strong female characters. I'm also having trouble imagining her singing this, or figuring out why she would. I would think it would be more of a squeal or something, but whatever.

More talking, then she faints or something.