The Secret Life of a Dishwasher

I've been a dishwasher for a combined total of 11 months at two different places at three different times. It's safe to say that I know what I'm talking about. I'm here to divulge to you the innermost workings of dun dun DUN...the dishpit.

First, I'm going to talk about kitchens in general. First, the cooks are the bosses, and they will never let you forget it. Think it's just my imagination? I was a cook this past summer after being a dishwasher the summer before. I immediately started to look down on the dishwashers EVEN THOUGH I HAD BEEN ONE BEFORE and then later I was working a second job as a dishwasher at the same time, but I still looked down on the dishwashers. However, most of the time, dishwashers can coexist happily with the cooks. Examples:
1) Where I'm working now, I talk to one of the cooks about books and music all the time. He's the shit. Another cook and I joke around all the time.
2) When I was working as a dishwasher at a bar, all the cooks were crazy and awesome and joked around with me. They were great and never made me feel like a moron. They also let me do prep a lot, which was cool.

But sometimes you get the crappy ones. There are two examples that I've worked with:
1) The cook that looks down on you without remorse and will put you down all the time. Luckily everyone hated him, not just me. He once had the gall to give this stupid speech about how he would look out for all the kitchen staff and I was just like, "YEAH RIGHT." He was such a douchebag.

2) The cook who treats you like his personal servant. This cook makes us bring him plates personally. He is the only one thus far who has done so, even after another cook yelled at him and said the dishwashers had enough to do. This guy is also a douchebag but I tolerate him most of the time.

Advantages of Being a Dishwasher
1) You get to goof off. You can't slack off when you're a cook (as I know so well) or when you're a waitress. But when you're a dishwasher, as long as you don't get behind in your work you can do whatever you want. This has led to a few creative games, such as throwing silverware in a bucket and having contests to see who can hold their hand in icy water the longest.

2) There's not as much scrutiny on your work. Cooks have to make sure their orders are just right and waitresses are watched all the time, but as long as the dishes aren't wet when we put them back or have weird gunk on them, no one cares.

3) It's easy, mindless work. If you're something of a slacker (like me) it's awesome that you don't actually have to think about what you're doing. Spray plates, put them through, put away. Bam bam bam.

4) We sometimes get things other people don't. For example, on Saturday one of the cooks brought me free soup to taste. If one of the waitresses screws up a milkshake or makes an extra one, we're the ones who get it. When I was working at the bar, one of the cooks screwed up a burger and I got to eat it. Last weekend one of the waitresses kept bringing me jelly beans. When I was working at the bar and they ran out of syrup, I got to take a break and walk over to grocery store to get some more. One of the cooks screwed up an order of French toast, so the dishwashers got to eat it.

Disadvantages of Being a Dishwasher
1) It's gross. You have to touch other people's food, stick your hand in dirty water to unplug sinks, scrub at weird shit, and sometimes you get gum that you have to scrape off. Yummy.

2) Your pay and tip out is usually less. I'm getting good pay because my boss wanted to get me away from the place where I worked as a cook, but it's usually minimum wage. Cooks get more. Tip out also usually sucks.

3) Your hands smell like garbage at the end of the day.

4) Your crotch is susceptible to getting wet. Seriously. Usually nothing on your body (other than your hands) gets wet except your crotch area. Especially awesome because I have to take the bus home looking like I pissed my pants.

5) The cooks will probably assume that you are a moron. I've had them give me knives to wash and tell me they were sharp. Thanks, but I kind of knew that already.

Neither an advantage nor a disadvantage, though, is that dishwashers are usually the jack of all trades. We have to change the toilet paper, paper towels, milk, and pop. This could be a disadvantage because it's extra work, or an advantage because there's a break in the monotony. I usually like changing paper towels or toilet paper because it's something new to do.

Now, if you're planning on an illustrious career as a dishwasher, I recommend taking up smoking. I would never condone this otherwise, but if you smoke you get frequent breaks. And pretty much everyone in kitchens smokes, either cigarettes or pot. More on weed later. If you are not a smoker (like me) you will acquire a deep disdain for people who smoke as you enviously watch them go outside for breaks. If you don't smoke, you get a 15-20 minute lunch break, and that's it.

Many people in kitchens also smoke weed. Out of the same five cooks that I usually work with, I estimate that at least three smoke pot on a regular basis. When I worked as a cook, one of the other cooks asked if I wanted to smoke weed with him. At the place where I work now, one guy told me I should smoke with weed with him, and another recommended that I smoke pot because it is good for me. At the bar I worked, everyone there smoked pot. My brother worked nights there and he said sometimes a bunch of servers would go outside, smoke up, and then go back to work. One guy came to work high and fell on a flattop. I don't have anything against the pot smokers that I know, but I recommend not coming to work high.

Hazards of Being a Dishwasher
1) Watch out for the tomato slicer. Where I work now, it is referred to as the "Tomato Witch". If you even lightly touch that mofo, it will cut you and those cuts don't stop bleeding for at least 10 minutes. It doesn't hurt, but you bleed like you have hemophilia. I've had two nightmarish encounters with this beast. Once, when the aforementioned douchebag had me working by myself on the busiest day of the week (when we ALWAYS have two dishwashers working) and I accidentally cut myself. I had to go take care of the cut while the dishes kept piling up. My second encounter wasn't as bad. I accidentally cut myself and the manager took care of my cut for me. He was awesome. I then got to wear finger condoms (always awesome) and had scars for like a month afterward.

2) Burns are common. Even though you aren't a cook and aren't around hot dishes that much, you can still be burned. Sometimes by hot water or steam, and sometimes by hot dishes that the cooks bring by and helpfully forget to inform you are hot.

3) The dishpit gets slippery. I've only fallen once in my 11 month career. I tend to spray water everywhere so the inside of the dishpit and the floor just on the other side of the counter tend to get soaked. Good dishwashers know how to circumvent the danger. Case in point: In one day, neither the other dishwasher nor I fell (or even slipped) at all, but one dishwasher would slip every time he came by the dishpit and he fell once.

My Top Dishwashing Moments
1) Once, a cook was mopping the floor. He somehow accidentally tipped over the bucket and water got everywhere. He cleaned it up and refilled the bucket. It immediately happened again.

2) One time a cook burst out in a rendition of "Hold Me Closer Tony Danza" to the tune of "Tiny Dancer".

3) I was alone in the kitchen with another cook. We were listening to Boris the Spider by The Who. He randomly grabbed a strainer, jumped out from behind the counter, yelled, "LOOK ROBIN, SPIDER AIR GUITAR!" and air guitared on the strainer. It was awesome.

4) One cook was walking past the dishpit. He slipped and fell backwards in slow motion, saving himself by holding on to the counter. He couldn't pull himself up so he stayed in limbo. He went, "Mitch, aren't you going to help me?" and Mitch just stood there with a "wtf" look on his face but didn't do anything. Said cook then succeeded in pulling himself up but finally succeeded in falling the next day.

5) Another dishwasher and I were playing with a squishy piece of meat and throwing it at each other. She left to get away from me, I threw a piece of meat at her which stuck to her ass, and she immediately slipped and flailed her arms. We both laughed so hard we cried. The cooks think we're weird.

So there you have it, a detailed look inside the glamorous world of the dishpit. I predict an increase in dishwasher applications.