Now, I need to tell this strange story from work. Okay, so at Broadway Cafe there's this old woman who comes in pretty much every Saturday. When I worked there last year, I remember talking extensively to her while I was on my lunch break and then I saw her like, two days later and I decided to be nice and perky and say hi. I usually am not like that, but I thought, hey, this time I'll be nice! So I was like, "Hi!" and SHE TOTALLY DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO I WAS. And then I thought, "And this is why I don't voluntarily talk to strangers." So anyway, I started working there again in September and she came in and I remembered her (I have an AMAZING memory for faces. It's WEIRD) but she didn't remember me. Understandable, since it had been a year since she's seen me, and there had probably been extensive turnover. So anyway, I chatted with her again and then yesterday I was forced to sit beside her while I ate and she's all, "Are you a dishwasher here? Do you like it?" SERIOUSLY? Like, I see her practically every Saturday. Even if I don't TALK to her, she always sits at the counter and I'm always out there putting away dishes and stuff. She isn't mentally ill (I don't think) because she has a job. And she always says the weirdest things. Like I had a pancake and egg once. I eat them together, okay? My family does. I've been doing that since I could eat solid food, practically. And she was fucking MAKING FUN OF ME and saying it was weird and stuff. Once she asked if I smoked and when I said I didn't, she was like, "Yeah, you don't look like you do." WTF? And yesterday, the kicker. She asked me if I was eligible for this new twenty dollar bus pass. I asked her what it was. Apparently it's a new bus pass for people with low income or on social assistance. Okay, I know I'm working as a DISHWASHER but I don't automatically assume that every person in the service industry is on welfare. And I was like, "well, I have the uPass so I don't need it" and she's all, "You're going to university? U of S?" No, SIAST, which DOESN'T OFFER THE uPASS. And then I was like, "yeah" and it was all quiet and she's like, "I get to retire in fifteen years!" I. Don't. Care. I think she's on crack.
ANYWAY, back to Ghost. I had a brainwave this morning in the shower. I have a surprising amount of deep thoughts in the shower. If I want to be a genius, all I have to do is shower all the time which, unfortunately, isn't that feasible. So I am still just average. ANYWAY, in a previous recap, I said, "...it just seems like Ringo is trying to make him appear better than he actually is. If Ringo's going to make a psychotic character, I would prefer he make him unrepentantly psychotic, instead of making him masquerade as a decent guy. Somehow that just makes it worse." But then I thought, Mike actually is an unrepentantly psychotic character. Mike himself never pretends that he's a nice guy. In Ringo's direct portrayal of Mike, he never tries to make it seem like Mike is better than he is. It's OTHER people who are the problem. Despite the fact that he's monstrously sexist towards all the hostages, they all love him and in fact, fuck him SOLELY ON THE BASIS THAT HE SAVED THEIR LIVES. Like I said before, I get being grateful to your saviour, and maybe some people would fall in love with someone who saved their lives (I have never had my life saved, so I wouldn't know) but come ON. Like ALL FIFTY OF THEM? Seriously. And then when he and Amy had that conversation where she's all, "I can tell you're a good guy" and all this stuff. I don't think any sane person would say that. But you know, she doesn't know as much about Mike as I do. So maybe that is kind of realistic.
Now, I think I know what's coming, so to counteract the pain, I am watching MST3K bloopers at the same time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sMSzF_HD48
Seriously, they're hilarious.
He had gotten all the lines in but the stern and was on the flying bridge lifting the gangway when Courtney came up, carrying her Coke and his Gatorade.
"You forgot this," she said, sitting down on the bench and looking out. "This is so cool."
"I sometimes forget that," Mike said, nodding. "It's better than . . . some stuff in my life. Lots. I'll get tired of it after a while and have to go find something interesting to do. But right now . . . I need the downtime."
Ha ha, I thought that this whole conversation was about his Gatorade. Kind of gives it a whole different feel.
I'm all for learning things from books, but Ringo is no Michael Crichton. Navigation isn't as exciting as genetics, I'm sorry.
"Pam? Can you hear me?"
"Yes," the girl called from forward.
"There's a cabin on the right, forward, that's locked," he yelled. "Kindly don't try to find out why. Remember the story of Bluebeard."
Man, I totally wouldn't be surprised if Mike had the bodies of a bunch of chicks just randomly kept on his boat. I remember reading Bluebeard and it practically scarred me. It was just CREEPY. Also, why would you keep (you know how I just spelled "keep"? "Creap." Where the hell did that come from?) around the bodies? Wouldn't they smell?
"Two females and a juvenile," Mike said, nodding. "You can tell the young one because its fin is smaller."
NO WAY. I NEVER would have made THAT connection!
Mike's like MAKING them wear sunscreen. Whoa, Ringo, way to be anvilicious.
Now Courtney is telling Mike what "hooking up" means. Thanks for the info.
"I'd hoped to have visitors, frankly," Mike replied. "So I laid in a lot of stuff I don't have use for. I even . . . well . . ." He paused and grinned sheepishly. "I even laid in stuff in case I had female visitors."
"Tampons and pads?" Pam asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, yeah, but they're for something else," Mike said.Ha ha ha, this is actually kind of funny. This is kind of a running joke from way back when Mike got injured in the hostage thing which I never put in the recaps because I didn't think it was necessary but apparently it is now. SEALS use pads and tampons as like, bandages and stuff. It was mentioned quite a few times. I laughed out loud when I read this part.
"Don't think I'm a perv or anything."
Yeah, wouldn't want to think THAT. Remember my brainwave from earlier? It's all moot now. Mike doesn't even think he's a monster most of the time.
Shit, these chapters seem a lot longer than Book One. And those were a lot more bearable and these now.
SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUNSCREEN, MIKE. I know avoiding skin cancer is important but COME ON.
Pam slipped into the water and he held her by the midsection, getting a world-class erection in the process.
AHHH, THIS PROSE HURTS ME.
"There was this big, nasty-looking fish," she said nervously.
"Barracuda," Mike said, nodding."Oooh, BarraCUDA."
Chapter 17
"Look, it's just enormous fun having you both here, okay?" Mike said, shrugging. "I feel like I ought to be paying you money it's so much fun."
"How much?" Courtney said, grinning. "And, admit it, you're just hoping to get laid."
"I wouldn't kick you out of bed," Mike said, shrugging and grinning back. "Maybe if you were messy eating crackers. But, no, I'm just having fun watching you guys have fun. It's a real high for a guy to get a girl to smile, and that's a fact. So don't sweat what it would cost. Trust me, I can afford it. I'd take you two to the Bahamas if you asked. Hell, I'd cruise you down to the Virgin Islands if you wanted. You're both very nice young ladies, both in personality and in looks. Consider this boat yours until you have to go home."
WTF, Mike? Mike wouldn't bother me so much if he and every other person in the Ringoverse didn't think he was the best and most noble person ever.
"So what's the modern answer?" Courtney asked.
"It takes all the fun, all the soul out of it," Mike said, lowering the binoculars. "But . . . males that see any of several expressions on a female face have an endorphin rush from the sight. It's a form of drug, a high. For that matter, males have an average of forty percent fall-off in long-term decision-making at the sight of a pretty female face. Those are both clinical studies. I could extrapolate from them, but I won't. However, it's definitely the reason that there are topless bars all over the place while things like Chippendales are rare. Women don't have the same reactions. They can be somewhat visual, but they don't have the same chemical reaction. It's called 'thinking with the other head' but it's not. It's just a chemical reaction in the brain. It's real for all that," Mike said. "So if you want to pay me back, just smile. It's worth every moment, every penny."
"So we're a drug?" Courtney asked quizzically.
"A strong one," Mike said, shrugging.HA HA HA HA HA HA. "YOU ARE EXACTLY MY BRAND OF HEROIN!" I had NO IDEA I would be finding so many Twilight parallels, but WOW. Is this Pancho under a pseudonym or something? And strangely, the girls are just as fine with being called a drug as Bella is.
So I thought Mike was like, 35, 40. These girls are minors (they live in the US) so they're like, 20 at the oldest. GROSS.
Oh, SHIT. Mike is talking about "complicated guilty pleasures". I read so you don't have to.
"No," Courtney said. "And did you see those pecs?"
"Yeah," Pam said. "And he said women aren't visual. God, what does he do, work out all day?"
Knowing Ringo, Mike is just like that naturally.
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