Twilight Chapter 17 to the End

Chapter 17- The Game

You just lost.

Yes, Edward/Billy STAREDOWN.

These chapters are going to be kind of skimpy because I have a lot and I tend to fade really fast after one. So yeah, Billy’s all, “The Cullens are bad, stay away.”

He had found the weak chink in my armor.
I don’t think this is right. A chink is a hole, right? So how can there be a weak hole, as opposed to a strong one?

"You are going out with Edward Cullen?" he thundered.
Uh-oh. "I thought you liked the Cullens."
"He's too old for you," he ranted.
"We're both juniors," I corrected, though he was more right than he dreamed.
"Wait…" He paused. "Which one is Edwin?"
Not every sentence has to have a tag, Smeyer. Also, I thought they were in grade 12 in this one. Damn, and I was so happy about realizing that Smeyer made another continuity error. Oh well.

"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…
Save it.

I thought Charlie knew all about the Cullens, and now he’s getting Edward’s name wrong.

I tried to find the right places for all the buckles to fit, but it wasn't going too quickly. He sighed again and reached over to help me.
Here’s the father/daughter thing again. The more I think about this, the more creeped out I am. I’m sure she’s not doing it consciously but still. It’s weird.

"This is a… um… big Jeep you have."
Man, that sounds like a euphemism. Too bad Smeyer doesn’t know what that is.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck:
"Hmmm…" he mused as he quickly finished. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."
Before I could react, he pulled me from the Jeep and set my feet on the ground.
It was barely misting now; Alice was going to be right.
"Tamper with my memory?" I asked nervously.
"Something like that." He was watching me intently, carefully, but there was humor deep in his eyes. He placed his hands against the Jeep on either side of my head and leaned forward, forcing me to press back against the door. He leaned in even closer, his face inches from mine. I had no room to escape.
"Now," he breathed, and just his smell disturbed my thought processes, "what exactly are you worrying about?"
"Well, um, hitting a tree —" I gulped "— and dying. And then getting sick."
He fought back a smile. Then he bent his head down and touched his cold lips softly to the hollow at the base of my throat.
"Are you still worried now?" he murmured against my skin.
"Yes." I struggled to concentrate. "About hitting trees and getting sick."
His nose drew a line up the skin of my throat to the point of my chin. His cold breath tickled my skin.
"And now?" His lips whispered against my jaw.
"Trees," I gasped. "Motion sickness."
He lifted his face to kiss my eyelids. "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"
"No, but I might." There was no confidence in my voice. He smelled an easy victory.
He kissed slowly down my cheek, stopping just at the corner of my mouth.
"Would I let a tree hurt you?" His lips barely brushed against my trembling lower lip.
"No," I breathed. I knew there was a second part to my brilliant defense, but I couldn't quite call it back.
"You see," he said, his lips moving against mine. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"
"No," I sighed, giving up.
Dear Jesus, save me.

Also, I’m confused as to how smelling good = eternal love? I’m not talking about the fact that that seems to be the only reason Edward loves her. How do you get feelings of lust from someone smelling good? Some of my guy friends smell really good but I don’t want to jump them immediately. My dog’s paws smell really good (like Fritos) but I’m not suddenly afflicted with bestiality. I’m just so confused.

"Damn it, Bella!" he broke off, gasping. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."
Holy SHIT, he swore!

I can’t remember if I mentioned the piggybacks when I was talking about the Freudian aspect of Edward and Bella’s relationship, but yeah. There are piggybacks.

Edward goes into a frenzy of self-loathing. Yay.

"Now, please try to behave yourself," he continued, and he bent to softly brush
his lips against mine.
I held properly still. Then I sighed.
This is so Victorian. Just lay back and think of England!

Alice is always dancing and skipping and shit. How exactly do you dance everywhere? Like, I imagine her twirling and stuff, but that would be pretty inconvenient.

Well, this is a great date, Edward. I’m sure ANY girl would just LOVE to watch you a guy play baseball with his family. Sign me up.

She laughed, too. "Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"
"No," I murmured, stunned, scrambling to understand what lifetime she was remembering.
"Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing," she sighed. "It broke my heart — that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know," she added matter-of-factly.
Way to be a buzz kill there, Esme. I’m not going to go into the extreme importance of children to everyone in the Twiverse, since I probably touched on that in Breaking Dawn. But it still annoys me. I thought Bella was going to actually be different, but no, once she got pregnant, Renesmee was all important. Although it seemed like in Breaking Dawn she neglected her a lot. But I digress.

"That's why I'm so happy that he's found you,
dear." The endearment sounded very natural on her lips. "He's been the odd man out for far too long; it's hurt me to see him alone."
Because the most important thing in life (next to having children) is to find a significant other!

This part of the movie was hilarious. The vampires. Are playing BASEBALL. And I love how they all got uniforms made up. I love to hate the books because they fill me with rage most of the time, but I just genuinely love the movie. How can I hate something that makes me laugh SO HARD? I think I love it more than Body Rock.

He sprinted to my side, sparkling with excitement.
Well, sparkling is his default setting.

It’s really really boring having a male lead with no flaws. He’s like a Ken doll. If I didn’t read Breaking Dawn, I would assume he was like a Ken doll downstairs, too.

Alice slapped them dainty high fives.
Someone please explain to me how high fives can be dainty?

Hey, look! Is that PLOT I detect?

"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.
"Three," she answered tersely.
"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come." The steel bands of muscle flexed along
his massive arms.
I love you, Emmett.

So yeah, the three vamps are coming. Let’s talk: how HOT was Cam Gigandet in the movie? Too bad James dies. Cam just has the perfect amount of slime to him, which I imagined he honed by playing Volchak on The OC. I have a strange love for the guy who played Laurent, probably only because he reminds me of Don Cheadle. And of course, the girl who plays Victoria, who seems very sweet and funny in interviews, and has great hair.

"Take your hair down," Edward said in a low, even voice.
I obediently slid the rubber band out of my hair and shook it out around me.
You dumb shit. They can smell her hair BETTER, now.

Chapter 18- The Hunt

I thought vampires were all supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, yet here are the three new vampires:
Vamp 1: Beautiful, medium build.
Vamp 2: Red hair, wild, catlike.
Vamp 3: Nondescript.

Yeah, okay.

"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?"
Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."
NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO HAVE A TAG.

Why do vampires have to kill when they feed? They don’t have to DRAIN them. I’m sure if they just took the same amount that people love whenever they give blood, that would work. Henry Fitzroy never kills when he feeds.

Why are the Cullens suddenly intensely loyal to Bella? I get Edward, Esme, and Carlisle, and to a lesser extent Alice, but why the others? Rosalie hates her, and Emmett and Jasper are just neutral towards her. Plus she’s a whiny bitch.

"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"
I forgot how much swearing for a Smeyer novel there is in this one.

All the vamps are talking about what to do with Bella as if she’s not there. Well, I would expect nothing less from a Smeyer novel.

"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."
"He'll wait."
Emmett smiled. "I can wait, too."
"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him."
Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."
Where is Emmett and Jasper’s spinoff? I love Emmett so much. And why DON’T they just kill James? It’s six against three. They would win, especially with Edward’s magical Gary Stu powers.

I broke it. "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"
"No," Edward growled.
Fuck you, Edward.

"You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go
home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."
And then what? Bella drops out of school? Lives with the vamps? Charlie and Renee would send the cops after her once they figure out she’s not with the other parent. Way to have foresight.

The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.
“Darn. Shoot. Dang! HOLY CROW!”

"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," I protested.
Who uses the word ‘imbecile’?

I tried to be persuasive. "Hang out here for a week —" I saw his expression in
the mirror and amended "— a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped
me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off
my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then
Jasper and Alice can go home."
And then what are you going to do to James? These are important questions.

I also particularly love how Smeyer has to shoehorn Phoenix in somewhere. They’re going to Phoenix to escape from James. In The Host, Wanderer was going to Chicago to see her healer and then she just offhandedly remarks that he moved to Phoenix and then she went there. It was hilarious.

So, I guess her plan is just to live in Phoenix. Quit school? Do nothing? I don’t get her life plan here.

"If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm
holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"
Fuck you.

Chapter 19- Goodbyes

This part always makes me sad. I love Charlie.

Lololol, UNINTENTIONAL E-BOOK HILARITY:
"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot.
I’m not too sure what that means. She’s like, pulling a Jason Bourne? She’s going to start shooting things and being awesome? Oh shit, forgot this was a Smeyer novel. It’s supposed to say, “home” of course.

"I broke up with him!" I shouted back, jerking on the zipper of my bag. Edward's
capable hands pushed mine away and zipped it smoothly. He put the strap
carefully over my arm.
Why does he have to do EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING for her?

CHARLIE I LOVE YOU CHARLIE DON’T BE SAD.

I repeated my mother's last words as she'd walked out
this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and
I threw the door open. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"
Those are some intense last words. They also curiously sound like something a thirteen year old would say.

Plain, nondescript little Bella is insanely tempting to EVERY SINGLE VAMPIRE EVER. And EVERY SINGLE MALE HUMAN EVER.

"How can you kill a vampire?"
He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The
only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."
“We cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned her, and then she was at peace.”

"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight."
I thought “house” said “horse” and I got a mental image of James attacking a horse but the horse was indestructible.

"Go in peace," was Carlisle's formal answer.
Wtf?

"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She [Rosalie] stared back at him with livid disbelief.
"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace — a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
She’s the only one who is actually reacting realistically. Why ARE they all bending over backwards to protect her?

Does Bella have to be carried EVERYWHERE?

Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway
from me… being careful.
"You're wrong, you know," he said quietly.
"What?" I gasped.
"I can feel what you're feeling now — and you are worth it."
DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, BELLA! YOU AREN’T WORTH IT!

Chapter 20- Impatience

Somehow, during the long night, my head had ended up against her granite neck.
Because it’s super comfortable to sleep on rocks!

I don’t want to recap anymore :( After this, John Ringo will be a relief.

She smiled a wide, ominous smile. "We have another fairly superfluous weapon. We're also venomous," she said, her teeth glistening. "The venom doesn't kill —it's merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream,
so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us. Mostly superfluous, as I said. If we're that close, the prey doesn't escape. Of course, there are always exceptions. Carlisle, for example."
So I’m confused. All the bodily fluids of the vampires are replaced by venom. So how come kissing or having sex with Edward doesn’t hurt Bella? Or if she touches him when he happens to get sweaty? (Although of course, sweat is unattractive, so of course he wouldn’t SWEAT).

Bloodlust is one word.

The infodumps come fast and furious in this book.

"I miss you," I whispered.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with
you."
"Come and get it, then," I challenged.
I want to die.

Chapter 21- Phone Call

So James has kidnapped Renee and is giving Bella instructions.

I’m confused. Bella makes the decision to go to the ballet studio, but Alice doesn’t see it. I love how her power comes and goes as it is convenient.

And then I carefully sealed away my heart.
ARGH.

Chapter 22- Hide and Seek

Okay, never mind, I think Alice does see.

What James is doing isn’t really hunting. Well I guess luring is part of hunting, but I thought TRACKING was his obsession, not being a tricky bastard. He’s didn’t really track at all. He heard they were going to Phoenix and then he went to Phoenix and laid the trap.

PSYCH. Renee’s not there at all. It’s just a VIDEO.

And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I love how it takes her so long. James has to TELL HER. The lack of Renee in the studio and the video with the same dialogue she heard on the phone didn’t tip her off.

STOP STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN SOLILOQUYING, JAMES, KTHX.

Blah blah blah James filibuster blah.

This is the dumbest thing ever. Smeyer gave an EXTREMELY flimsy excuse for why James is so obsessed with Bella.

James, JUST STFU ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. This is WORSE THAN POIROT'S EXPLANATION OF THE CRIME AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE AGATHA CHRISTIE BOOK. At least Poirot is ENTERTAINING and not annoying.

Hey. Remember how I said the Alice thing was never explained? Apparently I forgot about this part. This vampire stole Alice away from the asylum where she was put there for seeing visions and then made her into a vampire. Why she doesn't remember any of this, THAT was never explained.

Bored now.

Yay, Bella's getting beat up!

I get a kind of sick satisfaction out of her legs getting broken.

That's the end of the recaps I need to know but I'm just going to finish up right now.

Chapter 23- The Angel

Three guesses as to who she's talking about, and the first two don't count.

Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my
name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
It's been awhile since I've had no words, but yeah. I have no words.

"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you."
Yeah Edward, that's going to make her feel better when HER LEG IS BROKEN.

This is such a cheap cop out. We don't even get to see any real fighting.

James bit her so Edward has to suck out the venom. It's dangerous to suck the venom out.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/industry/1286246.html

If he was sucking out the venom, wouldn't his tongue be touching the wound, thus making her injury worse?

"I love you," he answered.
"I know," I breathed, so tired.
NO. NO NO NO NO NO. NO STEALING STAR WARS DIALOGUE ASHDFHALSIDGS;ADKFLGIYF

I sighed. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos."
Well, that's not too hard to do, now is it?

Chapter 24- An Impasse

"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You
have to admit, it could happen."
Well, what kind of place would have two flights of stairs in succession and then a ginormous window at the end?

"I didn't like it [blood transfusions] — it made you smell all wrong for a while."
Well Edward, next time she gets attacked by a vampire and desperately needs blood, she'll just hold off on that to make you happy.

He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he
whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile.
Obviously, if you stopped then IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE.

"What should I apologize for?"
"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."
"I'm sorry," I apologized again.
Is she honestly apologizing for getting hurt?

Oh, OH THE MOST LUDICROUS PART EVER:
He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even
touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the
beeping stopped altogether.
HE KISSES HER AND HER HEART FUCKING STOPS GODDAMMIT HER HEART STOPS SHIT THIS IS SO SO SO SO STUPID SHIT HER FUCKING HEART FUCKING STOPS I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.
Ah, Tourette's swearing.

"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I
couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again.
She's so pathetic.

"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey — you've got a lot of injuries."
Ba ba baba ba ba ba ba ba I wanna be sedated!

"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but
you're so young, Bella…"
So she has problems with her DATING him, but when it comes time to get married she's all gung ho. I don't understand.

"Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice.
Please die now.

"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," I said.
"But it just seems logical… a man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as
in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have
to save each other equally."
He folded his arms on the side of my bed and rested his chin on his arms. His
expression was smooth, the anger reined in. Evidently he'd decided he wasn't
angry with me. I hoped I'd get a chance to warn Alice before he caught up with
her.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Smeyer is just so delightfully cracked out. Bella's all talking about equality when it's obvious they're not equal at all and DEAR GOD DO NOT TAINT SUPERMAN PLEASE.

"Charlie?" he asked curtly. "Renée?"
Minutes passed in silence as I struggled to answer his question. I opened my
mouth, but no sound came out. I closed it again. He waited, and his expression
became triumphant because he knew I had no true answer.
"Look, that's not an issue either," I finally muttered; my voice was as
unconvincing as it always was when I lied. "Renée has always made the choices
that work for her — she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's
used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to
live."
Of COURSE her parents aren't an issue. Why would there be conflict at all?

He rolled his eyes and set his lips. "Bella, we're not having this discussion
anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."
An eternity of night? They can go out in the daylight, don't lie.

Stop fucking chuckling.

Epilogue: An Occasion

Blah blah prom blah blah blah blah Edward pulls an asshole move and pretends to turn Bella but he really doesn't blah blah blah.

Acknowledgements: ...my editor Megan Tingley, for all her help in
making Twilight better than it started out;
Two things off here. 1) If this is better than it started out, I shudder to think what Twilight was like before it was "edited". 2) She actually has an EDITOR? Seriously? I was sure that she didn't. She must be the worst fucking editor ever.

And so this is the end of the Twilight saga. Thank you for those of you who took this ride with me. I lost a quarter of my brain cells. You're welcome.