The Top Five Funniest Things I've Ever Heard in My Life

These stories will be graded on the star system, which means they get a number out of ten stars depending on how awesome they are.

5. Lindsay's friend Tyler (Tim? I get them mixed up ALL THE TIME) was driving home and he was high and a cardboard box blew up onto his windshield and he got scared because he thought it was a gremlin. 6/10 stars.

4. We were discussing whether we wore bras to bed and Lisa told me that she had to wear a bra because otherwise her boobs would smother her in the night. Made funnier by remembering other stories, such as the one where she put the super small shirt from Ardene's on and also the recent conversation between me, Lisa, Devon, Stacey, and Katherine about how Lisa's boobs are separate and sentient, entities. 8/10 stars.

3. Nick's mom had weird bumps on her head and they were at a family reunion and his dentist uncle said that he would cut them off for her so she didn't have to go to a doctor. Made funnier by the way Nick told it and the extra, arbitrary information he added in. 8.5/10 stars.

2. Another Nick story. Their lacrosse team was staying at a sketchy hotel on Idylwyld and first of all, this scary guy was like, "are you the lacrosse team?" and they were like, "yeah" and this guy's like, "what the fuck are you staying here for? There are drug dealers and prostitutes and there have been six murders." Later, a girl and her baby knocked on Nick's hotel door and they asked if they could hide in the room for awhile. So they let her in and then Nick got spooked and said she had to go and she was scared because whoever was after her was going to find her. 9.5/10 stars.

1. Everyone's heard this story by now. Someone Danny knows was high on shrooms and he was wandering around the forest, and he heard a troll and he got so scared. He texted his friend, asking what he should do. His friend told him to take the troll home. So this guy brings the troll home, puts it in the closet, gives it a saucer of milk in case it got hungry, and puts the dresser in front of the closet so it can't escape. So the next morning, he hears this scratching and flips through his texts to see what he brought home, and he sees all this stuff about a troll. So he called his friend and asks what he should do. The friend says to see what's in the closet, but this other guy was scared so the friend came over and they armed themselves with bats and brooms and opens the closet. Where they find a kid with Down's syndrome. The best part was that this kid had been missing and the guy got a reward for finding him. 9.9/10 stars, and the only reason it loses the .1 is because its validity is questionable.

So today I went to a lacrosse game (RANDOM, right? Only slightly less random than when I went to the hockey game with Bailey, Roxie, and Jade and we went to Jade's before and she randomly made paralyzers, but not as random as all the bomb shelter hunts I went on, or the sister/sister puddle jumping). So ANYWAY Jonas, Dad, and I went to this lacrosse game which had the curious quality of being both repellent and drawing me in like a magnet, not unlike Girlicious. We went to see Nick, who was in town and the only reason I was going to this lacrosse game. It got pretty intense and Nick sprained his ankle. Sweet. Two Swift Current guys got kicked out and they were hitting things with their sticks, which was very scary. However, if a riot started, I was confident that I could take down the old lady from Swift Current beside me, but not if she was helped by the two bikers beside her. ANYWAY, yeah. Reasons I don't got to sports events: 1, jocks smell, 2, I don't understand anything, and 3, jocks and sports fans are freaking INTENSE and INSANE and they scare me a little bit. The reasons I don't like PLAYING sports are very similar, but also you can get injured, as evidenced by the two Yorkton guys who sustained injuries in THE FIRST QUARTER ALONE. Also, something else I just realized, is that I don't recall them ever doing the 50/50 draw. I wanted that money.

So I finished watching Ugly Betty yesterday am continuing Veronica Mars. Season 3 is subpar, but I love the We Used to Be Friends remix that they're using in the intro now, and now that I think about it, I love the yellow/black colour scheme. It's more sophisticated and noir than the faux notebook pages they used before, and it took me FOREVER to figure out that the pencil drawings were like, chalk outlines and stuff. I think it took me like a season and a half to figure that intro out. One thing that I hate about the Veronica Mars intros (since we're on the topic) is that they have season regulars that SOMETIMES DON'T SHOW UP FOR HALF THE SEASON. For example, in the first season it annoyed the SHIT out of me when they made Sidney Poitier's daughter (the journalism teacher?) was a regular when she showed up on like five episodes. And this season, Weevil, Dick, Mac, and Piz hardly every show up and they're all regulars. Piz is showing up more often, but I think Weevil and Dick have showed up twice each, and I'm on episode 7. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's what constitutes a regular. Related to that is how Ben from Reaper isn't considered a regular. If I'm remembering correctly, he is credited AFTER Missy Peregrym (Andie), who didn't even know Sam was the devil's bounty hunter until the very end of season 1. In an ad I have for Reaper, it has Sam, Sock, and Andie, BUT NO BEN. He should be the third highest billed protagonist, but he's being treated more as recurring.

Since we're talking about television pet peeves, here's another one. How Ugly Betty have 10-15 minutes long teasers. I get all into the show and then it's very jarring how they put the intro in randomly. What makes this worse is that they sometimes have a titlecard right in the BEGINNING, and then the intro. Why? Just in case we forget what we're watching? Thank you, Salma Hayek. I have no doubt that was your brilliant idea. And another thing is titlecards (Lost, Supernatural, Reaper), or intros that are longish and have music, but basically HAVE NO PERTINENT INFORMATION AT ALL (Ugly Betty, Dresden Files, can't think of any others at the moment. Oh, Two and a Half Men, if I'm recalling correctly.) Seriously, the Dresden Files one is certainly long enough to have the names of the regulars, but I'm pretty sure it just says that they are based on the books by Jim Butcher and that they were adapted to television by someone with the first name Hans. It's something like Hans Wolfe Beimmler, but I digress.

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to take a walk to Ice Cream Works and/or Witches Brew. Ciao for now, my nonfans!

Note: It was Hans Beimler and Robert Hewitt Wolfe.

Anyway, today Jonas and I went rock climbing which was AWESOME. I loved it
, but my arms are very numb now. Also, I went to Ice Cream Works and got screamers for my sister and brother and myself. Broadway is SKETCHY. I don't know why I go there at sundown. This dude randomly jumped barefoot in a puddle and then looked at me weird, and this drunk and/or high dude slurred, "your shirt is hot!" (I was wearing my City and Colour one) and then I had a nice chat with the ICW girl about siblings.

Anyway, this computer SUCKS. I can't wait to get my own. I'm gonna bounce and watch VM. Ciao my nonreaders!