I believe my dog just ate a dead bee.

I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but it happens to me
approximately every night of the three months of summer (not the bee thing).
I'll be laying in bed, just on the border of sleep, and there will be a
buzzing in my ear. It is a mosquito. And you're thinking, "just kill the
damn thing and go to sleep." It's not that simple. There are two scenarios
I would like to talk about.

Scenario one: it's night, it's dark, and the mosquito starts buzzing.
You're too tired to sit up and try to put any kind of effort into your
mosquito hunting, so you try to judge by hearing, and unless you're blind
and have the heightened senses, this never works. So you half heartedly
clap your hands together in the general vicinity of the buzzing, but like
the energizer bunny, it just keeps going. You feel it buzzing beside your
cheek, and then it stops, so you assume it landed on your face. By this
time you're too tired that you would gladly endure bug guts on your face if
the infernal buzzing would just stop, so you slap your face. Of course, it
isn't there anymore, and it probably never was, and you have a red spot on
your face for your trouble. The buzzing stops for awhile, so you think
maybe it went and got attracted to the light from your cell phone and will
stop bugging you (pardon the pun). You're almost asleep...and it starts
again. You kind of wave your arms around in the hope that by the law of
statistics, you will hit the mosquito. But you don't. Then you think,
"screw it", turn on the light, and wait for the mosquito to come back. Of
course, it doesn't make an appearance. Then you decide it's gone, and turn
off the light again, but gradually the buzzing starts up again. I think
bugs, or at least mosquitoes, must be sentient, because they have problem
solving skills. Light on=death, so they go and hide. Then when the light
goes off again, there they are, making you want to slit your wrists. Then
you turn the light on again, and pretend to go back to sleep. The mosquito,
thus lulled into security, makes an appearance again. You sit bolt upright,
clapping your hands together, and the mosquito, the life taken from it by
your god-like hands, falls to the bed. You flick it off onto the floor,
where the cat eats it, and go back to sleep. But by this time it is one in
the morning, you have to go to school, and you're wide awake.

Scenario two: This happened to me approximately 39 minutes ago. This
scenario takes place while it is still light. You are really tired because
you got to bed late last night, so you lie down on your bed, only to realize
the blankets are seriously messed up. So you spend approximately 11.83
minutes straightening them out, and then you lay down to blissful
sleep...when the phone rings. It is your Baba, wanting to know if you ate.
You leave, and then settle down to sleep, when, five minutes later, the
phone rings. It is someone phoning you to make an appointment for a job
interview. Now you are wide awake, but you decide to sleep anyway. Then
the dog wants in. You decide to ignore it. Twenty minutes later, you are
woken up again by the dog, and you get up and let him in. Then you fall
back into lovely sleep again. And then, you are woken up by your worst
nightmare. No, not K-Fed wanting to play a private concert. It is the
everpresent mosquito that never seems to die. You are too tired to raise
your head, so you raise both hands and clap them together in the general
direction of the mosquito. You can see the mosquito, but the problem with
daylight mosquito hunting is that you don't have to get up to turn on the
lamp, therefore, you do all your hunting lying down. Your perspective
becomes skewed because of the unique position. So you think you're killing
the mosquito, but in reality, you're about a foot off. You see it, it is so
close, and yet you can't seem to waste it. You finally give up, put your
hood up, and draw the covers up around your ears. By some diabolism (thank
you, thesaurus.com) you can still hear the mosquito, as if it were inside
your hood, RIGHT BY YOUR EAR. Ultimately, as in scenario one, you have to
sit up for the optimum mosquito killing experience. But it has disappeared.
You think, "I'm a human. We are the masters of the universe. We are
smarter than any insect. We invented toasters and The Pussycat Dolls. I
will prevail. I will be the victor." And then, you hear the buzzing again.
You look around, trying to move your head as little as possible so as not
to frighten the prey. You see it, buzzing above your head. Like lightning,
you clap your hands, and the mosquito falls, dead. Although, the clap
didn't have quite the victorious ring. You know how sometimes you do a high
five but you hit the other person's hand in just the wrong way and it comes
out like, "thump"? That's what this was like. You clapped your hands
together in the wrong way, so you get this sickening thump sound, as if you
flung a perogie against the wall. But, no matter, because the mosquito is
dead, and you can go to sleep. Only you don't want to because all the
excitement has made you wide awake, and although it is 7 and you have been
in your bed since 6, you only slept for upwards of 25 minutes. Life sucks.

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