tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134987322012-02-23T18:12:03.441-06:00I read crap so you don't have to.Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.comBlogger6891100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-18829713202351654992011-04-02T19:17:00.008-06:002011-04-02T19:37:59.371-06:00<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8JsTp7Swhqg/TZfOtgxrDkI/AAAAAAAABU4/wqgHKsqPHjc/s1600/batman%2Bfunny2.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 226px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8JsTp7Swhqg/TZfOtgxrDkI/AAAAAAAABU4/wqgHKsqPHjc/s400/batman%2Bfunny2.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591164743691472450" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-T-e_hl5Jxu8/TZfLt-0IeWI/AAAAAAAABUQ/BYLhFxXN2pM/s1600/batman%2Bfunny.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><br /></a><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>You would think joking is not something Bats does, but it's really not that out of character for him. He's been known to be unexpectedly funny sometimes. What makes his jokes more hilarious are peoples' reactions to them...Plas is very unsettled.</div><div><br /></div><div>PS: I have no idea why Bea is so happy to see J'onn. Do they have some kind of history I don't know about?</div><div><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5QQlMv5fvU4/TZfMdc10mhI/AAAAAAAABUg/0vIdybw_yV8/s400/etrigan%2Brhyme2.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 393px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591162268733970962" /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>This seems very out of character for Etrigan (although seeing as he may be a construct from one of the Superbuddies' minds, this isn't very surprising). I feel like maybe Jason Blood took over for a second.</div><div><br /></div><div>Etrigan speaks exclusively in rhyme, and this is hit or miss depending on the talent of the writer. Supposedly Alan Moore was the best at it, and JMS was pretty solid as well. Except for/including my favourite Etrigan rhyme EVER:</div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZHmBJUNkggU/TZfNLbz7NtI/AAAAAAAABUo/FZoTdQSiJ8M/s400/etrigan%2Brhyme.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 214px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591163058731562706" /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Simple and elegant, and added unexpected levity to a somewhat dark story.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the second part of Formerly Known As the Justice League (which is called I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League), the Superbuddies find out that their neighbour is an ex-villain and is opening a bar. He mentions that he has a partner in the bar, and said partner walks into Superbuddies headquarters. There is a page of beat panels as the Superbuddies slowly turn around to see who this mysterious partner is and we see their looks of horror and shock before we see who it is. I remember thinking "This better be REALLY good, for the buildup that we're getting."</div><div><br /></div><div>I was not let down:</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W6M0AKfRqjg/TZfN-7Zn_LI/AAAAAAAABUw/bTUf0XiRfs8/s400/GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 245px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5591163943384513714" /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I squeed so hard, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. And it wasn't just a brief guest appearance: he played a major role in the mini, and then we got to see his heart, which is what I like about Guy: he's a hilarious asshole on the outside, but he has a soft heart buried very deep inside. I think if he was just an asshole all the time, I wouldn't be nearly so fond of him. </div><div><br /></div><div>PS: I have no idea what "This Guy...This Gardner!" is supposed to mean. Is it a pun of some sort? I can't figure it out.</div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1882971320235165499?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-41411884157626255692010-10-26T12:01:00.003-06:002010-10-26T12:43:27.105-06:00So, time to start this shit up again! I'll be recapping a new book entitled Quincey Morris: Vampire by P.N. Elrod.<div><br /></div><div>Some backstory. This past summer I worked in a tourist centre and we sold paperbacks from the library for 50 cents each. I was flipping through them and found this book. Dracula is one of my favourite novels AND Quincey is my favourite character. I was intrigued, and then forgot about it. After that I kept thinking I should buy it but never did. I was telling my co-worker about it and she's like, "did you buy it?" and I was like, "I better make sure it's still there." So I checked and thought someone bought it. I was so sad and then found it and bought it. This book could either be really horrendous or really amusing. We shall see.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, it is published by Baen Books. You might recognize them as the the publisher of <a href="http://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html">Ghost</a>, which remains the only book I've recapped for this blog that I just couldn't finish.</div><div><br /></div><div>According to the book jacket, the basic premise of the novel is that Quincey didn't really get killed after he killed Dracula...he just got turned into a vampire as well. Presumably Dracula lives somehow. But Van Helsing thinks Quincey needs to die.</div><div><br /></div><div>Predictions:</div><div>Van Helsing dies.</div><div>Quincey and Mina fall in love.</div><div>Quincey and Dracula have homoerotic interactions.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lastly, here's the cover:</div><div><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/TMcZz-k6GqI/AAAAAAAAA_Q/WcVKhHI2a5U/s400/quincey.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 248px; height: 400px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5532419048009767586" /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Quincey's looking like some kind of bloated boy band member past his prime. Don't even have the first clue as to who that swooning woman is in the background. Mina? One of Dracula's slutty vampire brides? Vampire Lucy?</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, here we go.</div><div>The book starts with a quote from Quincey basically saying that he is surprised the story of their exploits (Dracula) was so popular and that his story is just beginning.</div><div><br /></div><div>Quincey is just waking up after dying. I have to say I already love this book by virtue of it being in first person from Quincey's POV. It always made me mad that he was the only person who never got to tell his story. Mina and Jonathan had their diaries and letters, Lucy had a diary and letters, Jack had his phonograph diary, Van Helsing had a diary or something or letters at least. Even Arthur, the most boring character, had a letter printed! Poor Quincey. He gets no love.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wolves are dragging Quincey somewhere. He's all, "Oh yeah, this reminds me of that time in Siberia." Good to see you have time to reminisce when wolves are taking you somewhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of the wolves transforms into DUN DUN DUN Dracula! But Quincey, didn't you kill him with the bowie knife you always carry for no apparent reason?</div><div><br /></div><div>Quincey looks down a hill and sees his friends. For no real reason, Dracula grabs him by his face and slams him into a tree. Quincey wants to go there to let them kill him. Dracula's all "whatever, but don't give me away or I'll sic the wolves on them." </div><div><br /></div><div>We find out that Dracula didn't turn Quincey into a vampire, but someone else. It also might be implied that he was a vampire before dying. So who did it? Lucy?</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, they didn't really win their fight with Dracula. Dracula spared them for some reason. Not only that, he engineered the whole climactic fight solely so that he could talk to Quincey. All you had to do was ASK, Drac. Quincey's not scared of anything. He would have had a conversation.</div><div><br /></div><div>So here's how Quince turned into a vampire. Quincey and Arthur were at a ball and Quincey slept with this chick and she bit him. Some of his euphemisms are kind of amusing:</div><div><i>"...I'd known more than one woman in my travels and came to know that each had her own path to pleasure and it was my privilege to assist her there."</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Must have been some roll in the hay. Quincey has to rest the WHOLE NEXT DAY to be ready for her again. </div><div><br /></div><div>So has Quincey then been a vampire THIS WHOLE TIME but he just never noticed? Or did he not ACTUALLY become a vampire until he died? This confuses me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, never mind, you can only become a vampire after your death. Apparently. Also, cutting Lucy's head off did nothing. And she would have been okay (granted, she would have been a vampire too) if everyone had left her alone. Man, after reading this, Dracula the book becomes really depressing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here's something else depressing: Drac can shapeshift and go out into the sun and control the weather and control animals and stuff. Quincey basically can't. So Dracula gets all the good vampire stuff, and Quincey gets all the bad. That's a crappy deal.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm also really confused as to why Dracula is helping Quincey with all this. Quincey just stabbed him. You'd think that would be the kind of thing to sour a relationship. </div><div><br /></div><div>Quincey then muses on how he loved Lucy, which makes me think of his proposal in the book, which is my favourite fictional proposal of ALL TIME. I'm too lazy to get the book right now, but it's something like, "Why don't we hitch up to a double harness and go down the road together?"</div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe one prediction is coming true?</div><div>[Dracula to Quincey] <i>"But perhaps," he finally whispered, his voice so soft I barely heard, "perhaps you will tarry awhile?"</i></div><div>Awww, Dracula's lonely.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-4141188415762625569?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-83067369159303457682010-08-06T18:51:00.001-06:002010-08-06T18:52:47.541-06:00Sadly, I didn't even think to get screencaps. But there wasn't really much interesting to see. Anyway, here we go:<div><br /></div><div><div>The “Summit” logo stays onscreen for about thirty seconds too long, presumably for the illiterate people in the audience. Then we have the most boring opening ever, with a moon slooooooooooowly waning until the title is visible. Strangely, though, it’s pretty emblematic of the series as a whole. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’m not really looking forward to this.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>We open with Bella running through a crowd and then ending up in a field of flowers. She sees her grandma and then Edward, wearing some kind of weird suit with a bicoloured collar. Grandma has weird black eyes. GET BACK, BELLA, IT’S A DEMON! Sorry, that’s my Supernatural training kicking in. Edward sparkles and Grandma continues to be creepy. Turns out that Grandma is Bella ALL ALONG, GASP.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>It’s Bella’s birthday and Charlie, the only passable character in the franchise enters. Didn’t he play Dr. Manhattan? Now I can’t imagine him without a six foot wang.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella freaks out because Charlie teases her about getting old. She honestly believes that she has a grey hair. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella takes a picture of Angela, Mike, Jessica, and Eric. Eric says, “Don’t worry, I’m in the picture. No one will be looking at you guys.” How has no one realized that he’s gay yet?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Edward strolls in in clichéd slow-mo fashion. I can’t look at that dude and not laugh. Thankfully, he gave up the lipstick. Actual exchange:</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella: I’m a year older than you.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Edward: No you’re not. I’m 109.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella: I shouldn’t be dating such an old man. It’s gross.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Wow. Watch out, Buffy, there’s a new banterer in town.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I still cannot figure out if Kristen Stewart is a really good actress since she embodies Bella so well, or if she’s a really bad actress because she plays Bella with a lot of weird tics.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob strolls in and I definitely thought he had a mullet. Wait, it’s just a bad wig.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella: You should switch schools. Hang out with the palefaces. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Racism, kids. It’s hilarious.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob gives Bella a really ugly dream catcher. I can just see the writers of this movie. “You guys…what’s a really stereotypical Native American trinket?” “Dreamcatchers!” “BRILLIANT.”</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Suddenly Alice and Bella are best friends, despite them directly interacting I think once or twice in the last movie. Jasper lurks creepily. Most fans (and nonfans) of the Twilight franchise like Alice the best, but I find her grating and annoying, plus she is totally an enabler of all the emotional and physical abuse and anti-feminism rampant in the series.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jasper’s power is creepy. He can control moods. You know what that reminds me of? Starfox, the creepiest Avenger. Starfox is basically a walking aphrodisiac who, incidentally, went on trial for sexual assault. There’s just so much coercion and force in the Twilight series, and it honestly makes me really uncomfortable.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>All the girls (and Eric) in class are crying while watching Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet is not romantic, you guys. Newsflash: dying for love is never romantic, it’s creepy and pathetic. Meyer for some reason thinks the fact that Edward can recite the play along with the actors is romantic. There is not a person in the world who doesn’t find that annoying. I watched HSM (I HAD TO, long story) with my cousin, who recited everything with the actors and it drove me NUTS. I watched The Breakfast Club with my friend who recited everything as well and I wanted to strangle her.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Mike’s bored face looks like mine when I watched Romeo and Juliet. The only thing that perked me up was Alan Rickman as Tybalt, and I remember being able to see his thong or something through his tights.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I totally forgot how creepy this was. Edward says that if Volchok, I mean James killed Bella, he was going to commit suicide. Yeah, because that’s not an alarm bell. Girls - if your boyfriend says he would commit suicide if you died HE IS NOT A KEEPER.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I FORGOT CHRISTOPHER HEYERDAHL WAS IN THIS. Hi Chris! Loved you on Stargate Atlantis and you were delightfully creepy on Supernatural. I’m so glad he’s getting jobs, and such a high profile one at that, but seriously? Twilight? Also the guy who played Tony Blair in The Queen plays an evil decapitating vampire.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Wow, this party the Cullens put on looks so boring. It’s just a bunch of pale people being bland. YES, Emmett is starting to be awesome. As stated in my recaps of the books, I love Emmett but ONLY because I can only think of him in terms of Emmett from Growing Up Cullen. Why are these people even buying her presents and going out of their way to do stuff for her? My sister’s had four boyfriends and my brother has had one girlfriend and I’ve never bought a present for any of them.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So anyway, Bella gets a paper cut, Jasper freaks, then she falls on some glass that I have no idea where it came from and all the vampires leave.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’ve brought this up before, but I’ll say it again. Carlisle is talking about how he thinks vampires are damned to hell. So why did he think it was his place to turn others into vampires? If someone turned me into a vampire against my will I would be pretty fucking pissed, you know? He’s essentially playing God, and that is no one’s place. I don’t give a shit how compassionate you’re supposed to be.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>They’re both crying and kissing and it’s such an emo makeout session. It hurts to watch! I just want to put on Batman: The Brave and the Bold or something and smile. At least the first movie was hilariously bad. This is just depressing and bland.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Edward explains they have to leave Forks. Evidently, Bella is a little slow on the uptake, because there’s a looooooong pause and then she’s like, “When you say we…” and Edward says “I mean my family and myself.” Yeah, you’re 109 years old and you still don’t know how to properly use pronouns.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’m sure there’s a better way to go about breaking up with her…being a bitch and telling her that he doesn’t want her doesn’t seem like the best route. Yeah, yeah, had to prevent her from following him, whatever. Still.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella runs away for hours apparently, because it’s now dark, and she collapses and falls asleep. Or something.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>A torso is carrying Bella veeeeeerrrrrrrry slowly. Every single Native is looking for her and by looking I mean standing over a map. There’s a guy who I’m pretty sure is a pretty famous Canadian actor, but I can’t remember where from. He’s probably from North of 60, and I’m fairly certain he showed up in Gunless.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So now Bella is sitting, greasy haired and glassy eyed, in her room while the names of the months appear. I just want to tell her to grow some balls. I am seriously offended on behalf of all womankind. Also, this is probably the most boring sequence in a film, ever, and I’m including the fifteen minute car ride at the beginning of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Bella wakes up screaming. DOES THAT HAPPEN? I mean, I’ve never dated anyone so I have no idea what it’s like to go through a breakup, but…I don’t think waking up and screaming like you lost a limb is one of the consequences.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Charlie is worried about Bella and she tells him she’s having a girl night with Jessica. They decide to go see a zombie movie. Jessica is blathering on and on in kind of an endearing way. Also, somehow Bella sees the EXACT SAME GANG from when she got attacked in Port Angeles before. I can hear Kevin Murphy: “Where are you going? We based our group on a mutual concern about where you’re going!” If you haven’t seen the Rifftrax of Twilight yet, DOWNLOAD IT. It is the best two hours you will ever spend. Bella goes over to see the gang, and Edward shows up creepily. A weird, hairy biker hits on Bella. Definitely thought it was Simon Pegg at first and I was both excited and ashamed for him.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella gets on a motorcycle with a random dude. YEAH, THAT’S SMART. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella decides that since she hallucinates about Edward when she does stupid things, she takes the logical step to do MORE stupid things.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I don’t like this feeling…but I kind of like Jacob in the second book. He’s bubbly, he’s nice, and he’s a normal teenager. Bella even turns into a more tolerable character around him. Then he turns into a date raping lunatic pretty quickly, thus ending the only bright spot in the series.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I remember being so excited that Michael Copon was going to take over as Jacob in the second movie. While Tommy was never my favourite Power Ranger, he was definitely the hottest. Then I could spend the whole movie making Power Ranger jokes. But he didn’t, and I’m back to making bad hair jokes.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’m confused by something that just happened. Bella threw a piece of pizza…and then it changed into a wrench. Um…</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella wakes up screaming…again. I don’t think people even do that when they have nightmares. And she’s screaming like she’s giving birth. WILL NO ONE TAKE HER TO A PSYCHIATRIST?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Wasn’t Billy Burke also in Almost Famous? How did he fall so far?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>“Sometimes you’ve got to learn to love what’s good for you.” What the hell does that mean, Charlie?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Edward appears to tell Bella to stop riding the bike. Look, stopping her from getting on motorcycles with strange men, okay. But stop her from riding a motorcycle? Seriously. PS: I love motorcycles.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob strips off his shirt to tend to Bella’s wound. Well, we had to create a contrived situation to get him shirtless somehow. Bella calls him beautiful. Now I’m not a guy so I don’t know…would a guy take this as a compliment? Somehow I’m thinking no.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Wow, Eric and Angela are dating. Hope you like being a beard, Angela. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Mike is so sweet and dorky. I enjoy how the actor plays him.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Mike asks Bella if she wants to see a movie and she says yes. Mike suggests a movie called “Love Spelled Backwards is Love.” Um…I think that would be Evol, but whatever. Bella wants to see a movie called Face Punch. Seriously? Are you effing kidding me? That is the best you could come up with?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella is buying Jacob’s ticket to see this presumably 18A movie. Um, pretty sure no one cares if a 16 year old gets in to see the movie.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Can someone please make Face Punch into an actual movie? Here’s the dialogue:</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Man 1: Put your gun down.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Man 2: Put your gun down or I’m gonna blow your frickin’ head off.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Man 3: Both of you put both your guns down, or I’m gonna blow both of your frickin’ heads off.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Amazing. I kid you not, I would watch that shit in a heartbeat. I think it rivals the fake movie in Home Alone 2. “One…two…TEN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob comes on to Bella but she tells him not to do that because he’ll ruin everything. Jacob says he’s not going to give up which is…slightly creepy? Jacob has a sudden infusion of testosterone and threatens to put Mike in the hospital. He’s running a fever and then leaves.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Hahaha, this old Native is the best dude ever. “Bear won’t get the drop on me, Bella. My kung fu is strong.” Sometimes Twilight comes out with random hilarious lines, which both excites and confuses me.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Oh hey, Jacob cut his hair. Now I don’t have to hold back vomit when I look at him. He has a tattoo now. Jacob has an attack of Edward-itis, because all he is doing is staring, looking sullen, and telling Bella to go away. So…is he like Sampson, except his hair kept all his personality? And now that it’s gone he defaults to bland beefcake?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Spoiler: He’s a werewolf. Just ONCE I’d like to see a non-angsty person who gets superpowers and has fun with it, you know? Like Blue Beetle or J2 (both of which are GREAT comics. I highly recommend them). Because I would love it if I could turn into a werewolf at will. None of this angst shit. I would straight up just run around all day.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella runs into Laurent. Fashionista that he is, he is wearing a brown suit with no shirt. Did he not have a British accent before? He seems to have a Jamaican accent now. (Edit: this is incorrect.) It might be a different actor. Laurent says “I’m here on behalf of the Volturi” and I totally thought he said “I’m here on behalf of the Taur’i.” I wondered when this moved to the Stargate-verse. Then I guess it would make sense that Christopher Heyerdahl was there.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Laurent says the Volturi are going to kill her because Edward killed James. Just a heads up. Yeah, sounds like justice to me. Anyway, a blue-eyed wolf shows up and chases Laurent away. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>There’s a LOT of Bella waking up in the series as a whole. You know? I remember it happening at least three times in the last movie, and this is probably the second time in this movie.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob looks so dopey. He goes into Bella’s room through the window and they stare at each other and then he’s like, “…hey.” And he looks so stupid. I wish I could explain it. I was doing streeters for class and talked to this guy, who I think was 17. He was one of those really pretty guys who looked like a model. But you could tell there was nothing in his head. It’s like that. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So…once you become a werewolf, you have to go around shirtless?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Oh great, Edward again. Bella’s having a trippy dream with Jacob and Edward showing up and moving around and stuff. And she wakes up again. I should be keeping a tally.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I think it’s so hilarious how all the werewolves walk around shirtless. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Whoa, Bella shows some backbone and slaps one of the Natives, who turns into a really bad CGI wolf. And answer me this: why does Jacob put clothes ON to go to bed? Is it not traditionally the other way around?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>No, I am completely serious. They walk around shirtless ALL THE TIME. I’ve never seen a more blatant display of fan service, and I watch Supernatural.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So we meet Emily. Sam imprinted on her, which means she is his true love and she has no choice in the matter. Sam attacked her when he changed. But it wasn’t his fault! It was the werewolf part!</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Random werewolf dude: This chick runs with vampires!</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella: Can’t really run with vampires.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Long pause.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella: Cuz they’re fast.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Don’t explain the joke, Bella.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>No seriously. THEY ARE HALF NAKED ALL THE TIME.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Re: being a werewolf. Bella: Can’t you just…stop? “Have you tried…not being a mutant?”</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella says the vampires have never killed anyone. Um, I beg to differ.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>This movie isn’t even hilariously bad, you guys. It’s just boring. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I just have to say, though, that Rachelle Levebfre has the best hair I have ever seen.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>They’re hunting VAMPIRES and still it manages to be the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. I need Rifftrax on this, STAT.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella decides to go cliff diving in her clothes. Edward shows up as a creepy hallucination. At least take off your friggin shoes before you go swimming, sheesh.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Something weird happens and Bella hits her head or something and starts sinking. Edward shows up and is also sinking. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. THIS IS THE MOST BORING MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Can someone explain to me the logic of the werewolves running a fever all the time? I don’t think that’s a lycan thing…and it’s not a normal wolf thing either. It is really just an excuse for Bella and Jacob to snuggle all the time.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Taylor Lautner=bland bland bland. He’s like those hot but bland actors on the CW. Like Chad Michael Murray or Luke from the OC or the really hot guy from What I Like About You or the leading guy from The Beautiful Life (although I admit I couldn’t even get through an episode of that show, and I have a HIGH tolerance for crap).</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I will admit that this movie has way more plot though, which is nice. The first movie was pretty much all “I love you…STAY AWAY” “But I love you!” until the very end when James got his head ripped off.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella has a phone from approximately 1965. The phone rings and Jacob answers it. Turns out it was Edward, who crushes the phone in rage. If the phone rang in my house and some guy answered it and wouldn’t tell me who it was, I would be PISSED. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Everyone’s always like, “Stay here, for Charlie” or “Don’t you care about Charlie?” Don’t they know by now that Bella doesn’t give a shit about her father?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Can I just say again how much I love Christopher Heyerdahl? I love him. I wish he had more lines. Ooh, and his voice is so delightfully creepy. He makes a great vampire.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella’s having a panic attack and then she takes off running. Edward starts to strip. He has weird old man loafers on. He sparkles and then Bella clings to him like a lemur. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>HOW IS THERE A HALF HOUR LEFT? ISN’T THIS THE CLIMAX???</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I don’t think I laughed at all during this movie, mocking or otherwise.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Dakota Fanning, one of few bright spots in this movie. I might be the only person in the world who enjoyed Hide and Seek but it’s one of my favourite horror movies.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>WTF is Edward wearing? It’s some kind of weird red robe/caftan thing. He looks like a refugee from an ashram.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Aro: May I have the honour of reading your thoughts?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Later.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Aro: Interesting. I see nothing.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Hahahahahahahaha.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Chris Heyerdahl should be a voice actor, because he changes his voice for every single role I’ve seen him in. With Stargate Atlantis, it’s very formal and noble. With Supernatural, it’s really nasal and deep. With New Moon, it’s kind of breathy and evil sounding. Between SG:A and Supernatural, the difference was so pronounced that I didn’t even realize it was the same actor until I saw it on IMDb, and even then I didn’t really believe it. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Do all vampires have to wear Italian loafers?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>The future. Edward and Bella are frolicking through the forest. Edward is wearing a weirdo 1800s outfit. Bella is wearing some sort of pioneer dress. Strange choice of clothes.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Bella wakes up yet again. This movie is 80% Bella waking from nightmares.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jasper’s had, what, two lines in as many movies?</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I LOVE Emmett. I cannot stop myself falling in love with him. But it’s 99.9% because of Growing Up Cullen. I just want to make that clear.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>You know what makes me unhappy? Jacob and I both have tattoos in the exact same spot on the exact same arm. Except mine is better.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Strangely, New Moon did get something right about werewolves: in folklore, they keep their human eyes. There’s your factoid of the day.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Edward asks Bella to marry him and…that’s the end.</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>So basically, it is nowhere near as hilarious as the first movie. In fact, it’s just soul-crushingly tedious. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> </div></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-8306736915930345768?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-59322628497002078192010-05-27T12:30:00.002-06:002010-05-27T12:40:19.412-06:00I have to write down these strange dreams before I forget. First, a friend of mine (who doesn't exist in real life) was having a baby. He was a man. Then he (obviously) had to get a C-section and when they went to remove the baby, it wasn't there. It had turned into water or something (maybe this baby was Alex Mack?) and escaped. Also, the C-section involved sawing the guy's ribs, which I don't think actually happens in real life. So this baby was like a demon or meta-human or something and it was going to kill everyone. The doctors hired an army of Venoms (who were riding horses) to get rid of it. They were riding in perfect formation, and I think this occurred because I just saw Wild Ocean like a week ago and they had schools of fish moving in formation. Anyway, the Venoms couldn't catch the baby (probably because I just remember them riding in circles inside the delivery room). Then all of a sudden Batman and Catwoman were living in my house and they were babysitting. (I don't know who they were babysitting, but in retrospect I think it might have been Sin or Lian. Or Milagro?) They weren't there long, because then we switched to my second dream.<br /><br />I was in France or something, except it was like a cross between Paris, Barcelona, and Toronto. I was in a Las Ramblas like place, and I kept seeing people I knew. Mrs. Halldorson came to talk to me and she asked what Tyler McLean was doing (he was there too) and I said I didn't know because I didn't talk to him. I saw Jessica too and wanted to talk to her but Mrs. Halldorson wouldn't let me leave. Then we were wandering through this tunnel like place with a bunch of different rooms. Alexis, I think, made me go into this one room which had people being hanged except they would magically escape (I was reading Mister Miracle yesterday, which might be why that happened) and everyone was cheering but I was like, "Okay, it's not that great..." Then Mrs. Halldorson and I were trying to find another room to hang out in. These rooms, as far as I can remember, involved a showing of Princess Bride 2, and when I said it probably wasn't going to be that good, an old lady rode by on a horse and carriage and was like, "IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE!" and then they were showing Toy Story and I really wanted to stay in that room and everyone else with me (we had picked up an entourage apparently) agreed. That was the end.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5932262849700207819?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-9337442080967410602010-03-24T18:23:00.002-06:002010-03-24T18:42:08.191-06:00I've been writing this one story since after my 2008 NaNoWriMo and I've given up hope that anyone will behave in the way that I want to.<br /><br />Basic plot: After the rebellion in heaven, all the angels who participated were sent to hell, except one, Maya. She wants to figure out why she escaped the punishment.<br /><br />She's visited by her twin, Raphael, who tells her that she can get into heaven by beheading thirteen demons. He gives her Michael's sword to accomplish this task.<br /><br />She's greatly hampered in her quest, since she is being chased by angels, demons, and humans. However, she is being helped by a cranky demon named Belphegor and another demon named Caine who wants her help to get into heaven.<br /><br />Okay, so. Basically, nothing is turning out the way I planned, except for Maya's personality. Such is the beauty of writing, I guess, but I would appreciate not being the last to know plot developments.<br /><br />It was originally going to be a set of 13 short stories, with each demon killing being the focus of each story. That died out pretty quick as new plot developments started happening. Okay, whatever. I can live with that. Briefly, each demon was going to be a manifestation of Hercules' 12 labours (with the last one being something else I didn't decide) but then I thought it would be too difficult to make a living manifestation of, say, the Augean stables or the golden apples.<br /><br />So okay, that's still fine. I can live with that.<br /><br />My original plan had Maya being joined by a male PI (Jack) who was going to help her for some reason. He kept veering off character and I had to keep dragging him back on track. Eventually this was too much work and I accepted that he was going to be a huge asshole and just let him be like that. He morphed from a roguish, 25 year old PI into a balding, fortyish professor who was disgraced because of his belief in the supernatural and wanted to kidnap Maya to prove everyone wrong. In the part I'm writing right now, he is testing her endurance to pain. He electrocuted her, and now he's going to decapitate her. Yeah, I guess inside my original jerk with a heart of gold private investigator was a COMPLETE PSYCHOTIC SOCIOPATH waiting to come out. <br /><br />My second plan for the male lead was to have a devil-may-care thief be her companion of sorts. That started semi-well, but then he kept wanting to be a cowardly petty criminal who wanted nothing to do with the supernatural, so eventually I gave in and let him live his life and abandoned him in France with an ex-girlfriend.<br /><br />My third (and current) plan is the aforementioned Caine. He's working out so far, except I kind of abandoned him in hell. He'll be coming back soon though. My real problem with him is his name. I believe it was originally Forrest or something, then I changed it to Caine. Then I didn't like that so I changed it to Oliver. Then I didn't like that so I changed it to Will. I decided I didn't like that and changed it back to Caine, although search and replace doesn't work too well when your name is Will.<br /><br />My other supporting characters are working out well though, as Raphael and Belphegor are exactly the way I wanted them to be. Particularly Belphegor, who was originally supposed to have a really small part but is becoming somewhat of an ensemble darkhorse, to me at least.<br /><br />Since I keep changing things, plot lines are started and abandoned. I have at least two big things I have to go back and change because it makes no sense (because of Jack. FUCK YOU, JACK) and at least four things I have to resolve. I keep introducing characters with seemingly no purpose (Adam, the petty thief, and his ex-girlfriend, and also another demon named Abaddon who was supposed to accompany Maya, but that ended up not happening) and right now the whole story is just a series of events and one liners but no real coherent plot. I have no idea where I'm going with it. I have no idea what the ending is. I have no idea what is happening even from page to page. <br /><br />Sigh.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-933744208096741060?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-24156891555648582572010-03-21T16:22:00.003-06:002010-03-21T16:31:02.025-06:00I was walking home from Labyrinth one day when I saw an open door leading to a magical candy store. I went in and it was completely deserted. No customers, no clerks. I gathered up some candy, someone showed up, and I bought it and left. Later, I was walking down Yonge with my friend and we decided to go back to the candy store. We walked almost until Bloor street, but no candy shop. Well, there was a candy shop, but not my candy shop. I walked down Yonge again some time later but I couldn't find the candy shop. I was walking down Yonge again today to get my hair cut and I found a Sugar Mountain (which is what the candy store was called) but it wasn't the same one. I am so confused. The candy store has just disappeared. I came to the conclusion that it was like Brigadoon and only shows up once every few decades or so, and I just happened to find it on the right day.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-2415689155564858257?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-68810659617872627752010-03-08T16:28:00.002-06:002010-03-08T16:48:26.367-06:00So it was the Oscars last night, which I did not watch (I was too busy playing Donkey Kong 3 WHICH I BEAT TODAY). I see that already one of my predictions is INCORRECT. So, let's see which (if any) I was correct about:<br /><br /><b>Best Picture</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tough to say, but it's probably going to be between Precious, Avatar, and An Education. I'm going with Avatar, since I think Precious is going to sweep the acting noms and An Education is too obscure</span>.<br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Best Direction</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tarantino and James Cameron are going to give everyone a run for their money, but I'm guessing there's going to be a dark horse victory from Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Kathryn Bigelow. <br /><br /><b>Actor in a Leading Role</b><br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;">I said:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Bridges is apparently very good in Crazy Heart, and Roger Ebert thinks he could take the Oscar, so I'm going with his decision.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Yes, Jeff Bridges! I love him a lot.<br /><br /><b>Actress in a Leading Role</b><br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;">I said:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Carey Mulligan and Gabourey Sidibe are both getting a lot of accolades for their respective roles. I'm going to go with Carey Mulligan, because she was awesome on Doctor Who.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Damn, it's Sandra Bullock. It's not totally surprising I guess. Sandra Bullock is a big name star while the other two aren't and The Blind Side was more of a mainstream movie than An Education or Precious.<br /><br /><b>Actor in a Supporting Role</b><br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;">I said:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I don't know who Christoph Waltz is, but Inglourious Basterds has to get something and it could be Best Supporting Actor.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Christoph Waltz.<br /><br /><b>Actress in a Supporting Role</b><br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;">I said:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Mo'Nique for Precious, no question.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Mo'Nique. CALLED IT.<br /><br /><b>Writing (Adapted Screenplay)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Definitely going to be Precious.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Precious.<br /><br /><b>Writing (Original Screenplay)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Hurt Locker, even though I want it to be Up. The Coens are always really good, but I don't think the movie is getting good enough reviews.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Animated Feature Film</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Up's got this tied up (ha ha ha) but there could be a surprise upset from The Princess and the Frog.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Up.<br /><br /><b>Art Direction</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It's going to be close between Avatar and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but it's probably going to be Avatar.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Avatar.<br /><br /><b>Cinematography</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Inglourious Basterds.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Avatar.<br /><br /><b>Costume Design</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Nine is probably going to take this one, but Coco Before Chanel and the period costumes of The Young Victoria will make it a close race.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Young Victoria.<br /><br /><b>Documentary (Feature)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I have no idea what any of these are except The Cove, so we'll go with that one.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Cove.<br /><br /><b>Documentary (Short Subject)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't know what these are, so I'm going to pick Rabbit a la Berlin at random.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Music By Prudence<br /><br /><b>Film Editing</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">District 9 deserves something, so we'll give it this one.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Foreign Language Film</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Ajami's the only one I've heard of, so sure why not.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />El Secreto de Sus Ojos<br /><br /><b>Makeup</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Gotta go with Star Trek and the green skinned alien babes.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Star Trek.<br /><br /><b>Music (Original Score)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Up.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Up.<br /><br /><b>Music (Original Song)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Seeing as Nine is a musical and it's their business to have good music, we'll go with Take It All from Nine.</span><br />But in my mind I changed it to the Crazy Heart song.<br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Weary Kind (Theme From Crazy Heart)<br /><b><br />Short Film (Animated)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty sounds awesome, so we'll go with that</span>.<br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Logorama.<br /><br /><b>Short Film (Live Action)</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I enjoy the name Fjellstrom, so let's go with Instead of Abracadabra.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The New Tenants.<br /><b><br />Sound Editing</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Star Trek.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Sound Mixing</b><br />I said:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Visual Effects<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></b>I said:<b><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></b><span style="font-style: italic;">Ooh, toughie. Avatar was stunning, so we'll go with that.</span><br /><br />Oscar said:<br />Avatar.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6881065961787262775?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-43332898661674574392010-03-01T15:43:00.001-06:002010-03-01T15:45:41.914-06:00Today Paige begins her life as a sidekick and embarks on her first job.<br /><br />Chapter 4<br />This costume fad. It's quite annoying.<br />-Kingpin, Ultimate Spider Man Issue #11<br /><br /> The next morning I was just fixing up my makeup when there was a knock on the door. It was 11:40, and I was going to have to head over to Claire’s pretty soon. I ignored the door as I always did - it was probably for one of my roommates.<br /> “Paige!” Cat called. “It’s for you!” Who would be at the door for me? I put on my glasses and apprehensively opened my door. It was the guy, Owen, from the party last night, awkwardly fidgeting as he waited at the door for me.<br /> “Um…hi?” I said, still not sure why he was here. “Did you forget something?”<br /> “My dignity,” he said. “I think I left it behind when I asked if you would be okay with the yawn and stretch.” <br /> “Well, what happens in the dorm stays in the dorm,” I said. “Bye!” I went to close the door but he stopped it with his foot. “Yes?”<br /> “I just really wanted to apologize,” he said. “I was kind of a douche bag yesterday, and you said you were having a bad day, and you didn’t really deserve having some drunk douche nozzle annoying you.” I checked my watch. 11:45. The limo would be here any minute. I had to get rid of this guy.<br /> “Really, it’s fine,” I said, going to close the door again but he stopped it once again with his foot. <br /> “I want to make it up to you though,” he said. He was almost cute in his earnestness, his bright blue eyes wide with sincerity.<br /> “No really, that’s fine,” I said. “It was no problem at all.”<br /> “Do you want to go to a movie sometime or something?” he asked.<br /> “Maybe when we get to know each other when you’re not tipsy,” I said. I glanced outside and saw the black limo. “I really have to go get ready for work. Really, it’s totally fine.”<br /> “Okay then, no worries,” he said. I closed the door and headed back to my room.<br /> “So then our billet turned out to be this cross-dresser!” Raina was saying into her cell phone. “It was the weirdest exchange student we’ve ever hosted. My parents were uncomfortable with it, but they couldn’t very well send him back to Mexico!”<br /> I wondered what her home life was like.<br /> <br /> I climbed into the back of the limo and the driver nodded at me and pulled away from the curb without speaking.<br /> “So uh…these limos can’t be very good for the environment,” I said. <br /> “Public transit doesn’t reach Claire’s home,” he said.<br /> “You guys should go green,” I said.<br /> “I do what Claire wants,” he said. He sounded kind of cultish. I made a mental note to not drink Kool-Aid if offered.<br /> The ride took about fifteen minutes and I was dropped off in front of the mansion, a retread of my steps yesterday. <br /> “Smell you later,” I said. The driver didn’t reply. Bunch of surly people she had working for her. I wondered if Claire chose them that way. I looked up at the imposing mansion and steeled myself for encounters with both Wellesley and Claire.<br /> I rang the doorbell and the door was answered immediately by Wellesley, almost as if he knew I was there.<br /> “Delbert Grady!” I said. “What’s up?” Wellesley ignored me and spoke into a hidden mouthpiece.<br /> “Miss Queen, she’s here.” I looked up to see Claire walking down the stairs like a parody of ever single teen movie with a prom that I had ever seen. She looked completely put together with dark wash jeans and a white blazer over a green camisole. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail with absolutely no loose hairs. I wondered if we would ever be close enough that I could ask her for hairstyle tips.<br /> “Hello, Paige,” she said, a small smile on her face. <br /> “What up,” I said. No reply. She approached me and clasped her hands in front of her. <br /> “From this moment on, you will be maintaining a secret identity. You have to sustain a divide between the two. You have to not only physically look different - you have to act different, you have to be a different person. If they find out your secret identity, it’s over. I’ll have to wipe your memory and you go back to your boring life. Got it?”<br /> This was sounding slightly depressing.<br /> “Uh huh,” I said. <br /> “We’ll start with the physical differences between your two selves,” she said. “I had a costume made for you upstairs. Follow me.” She turned and started walking briskly back up the staircase. I had to trot a little to catch up to her. <br /> “So uh, how big is this place anyway?” I asked.<br /> “Bigger than you think,” was her reply. Would it kill anyone to give me a straight answer around here?<br /> “Who was your contractor, MC Escher? Because man, this is a screwy place,” I said. <br /> “Same person who designed the Batcave,” she said.<br /> “No way! Batman’s real?” I exclaimed.<br /> “No,” she said.<br /> Oh okay, then. That was a joke. A very unexpected joke. She opened a door and gestured me through. The woman who measured me yesterday was standing silently in the corner. <br /> “What do you think?” she asked. I couldn’t speak. I was speechless. I was completely without words.<br /> In front of me was a mannequin with my “costume” on it. I’m not even sure it was big enough to be a whole costume. It was all the same shade of dark purple. It was a bra top with two straps criss-crossing the stomach, for no purpose as far as I could tell. This was paired with the tiniest shorts I had ever seen. I’m not even sure the inseam was even four inches. Underneath the shorts were a pair of fishnets that ran into a pair of purple suede ankle boots with a three inch heel. The bandit mask was also purple and covered the top half of the mannequin’s face and went around the chin. I stared. And stared. This was not computing. I was supposed to wear that?<br /> “Well?”<br /> “Oh dear God,” I said, when I regained the power of speech. “This is possibly the most inconvenient outfit I have ever seen in my life.” Her eyes narrowed.<br /> “I mean…wow,” I said. “I can’t wear this. This is straight out of a comic book, but the difference between Black Canary and me is that a) I’m not living in a Frank Miller comic and b) I’m a real person.”<br /> “What’s wrong with it?” she asked.<br /> “What’s wrong with it?” I almost laughed. “Well, let’s see. For one thing, I can’t walk, let alone run, in three inch heels. What if I have to go outside? I’ll freeze. How am I going to be a good sidekick when I’m always worried about a wardrobe malfunction? I mean, the only thing you could do to make this worse is add a strap of pouches around the thigh and tell everyone the costume was designed by Rob Liefeld. I’m not wearing this. There’s no way. No. No no. Not a chance.”<br /> “Anything else?” she asked. I was sure it was rhetorical but I answered anyway.<br /> “Yeah,” I said. “If you’ll notice, I don’t have the, uh…”<br /> “Assets?”<br /> “Assets to fill this out. I’ll look lame. Plus I don’t have a six pack. I don’t even have a two pack.”<br /> “Fine,” she said. She turned to the seamstress. “Bring in the other one.”<br /> “Oh good God, there’s another one?” I asked. Claire didn’t reply and the seamstress came back shortly, pushing a mannequin on wheels.<br /> This one was dressed in a dark purple catsuit that zipped up all the way under its chin. It was wearing purple leather gloves and purple boots with no heels that came up to mid-shin. I considered it. Okay, it was really tight and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how my rear would look. On the other hand, the boots had no heel and I was all covered. I could compromise. Besides, I had the feeling that if I rejected this one as vehemently as I rejected the first costume, Claire was not going to be happy.<br /> “I can handle this,” I said. <br /> “Good,” Claire said. “Because these are your only choices. Put it on.”<br /> “Why? You took my measurements. I’m sure it will fit,” I said. <br /> “We’re testing out your capabilities today,” Claire said. “Routine, easy stuff.” A jolt of fear ran through me.<br /> “What, today? I don’t even get a training montage?” I hadn’t really thought as far as actually doing stuff. I felt close to panic - what if I got caught? What if I was shot? I couldn’t handle myself in a fight! I couldn’t even run very fast!<br /> “In my opinion, the best way to learn is by doing,” Claire said. “Get dressed. I’ll be back in five minutes with someone else.”<br /> “Someone else? To do what?” I asked. I didn’t get a reply, and Claire left, closing the door softly behind her. I turned back to the intimidating piece of spandex and leather in front of me. It took a bit of struggling, but I finally got the whole suit off the mannequin and laid it on the bed. I took off my clothes and stepped into the catsuit. I had to pull on it pretty hard to get the stupid thing over my hips and then the top half zipped up like a jacket. The zipper chafed on my chest and stomach so I pulled on my tank top and then zipped the rest of the catsuit up over top. The bottom of the collar stopped just short of my chin. I pulled the mask on over my face, and I was delighted to learn that it fit perfectly. Lastly I pulled on the boots (which were surprisingly comfortable) and the leather gloves. I moved over to stand in front of a full length mirror. My stomach protruded just slightly, but it was hard to catch unless you were staring. I turned around and looked back to view my behind. Thank God, it didn’t look that bad. I still felt like a complete tool wearing something like this, but it didn’t look as terrible as I was expecting. This suit was going to make me feel so self-conscious. As I was analyzing myself, there was a knock on the door.<br /> “Come in,” I said, moving away from the mirror. Claire came back into the room, trailed by yet another silent woman pushing a trolley of what appeared to be hair products. <br /> “Sit down here,” Claire said, pointing to a chair. I obeyed. “You have very, um…memorable hair,” she said, pulling out the curly strands and letting them spring back again.<br /> “Uh huh…” I said, not sure where this was going. <br /> “Whenever we go out, you’ll need to change it,” she said. “That’s where Marisa here comes in.” Marisa solemnly held up a ceramic straightener. “We’re going to straighten your hair. Take it from Superman - just change your hairstyle, and no one will recognize you.”<br /> “Sounds just dandy,” I said. It took about an hour, but I ended up with a head of stick straight hair. Marisa pulled my bangs back and fastened them at the back of my head. I put on my mask over my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t look half bad. Claire gave me a pair of contacts.<br /> “How the hell do I put these in?” I asked.<br /> “Just put them on your eyeballs,” Claire said. “It’s not difficult.” There was a pause as I attempted to put the contacts in.<br /> “Your codename is Violet Claw,” she said.<br /> “But…this costume isn’t violet,” I pointed out.<br /> “I like the way it sounds, and I like this colour,” Claire snapped. <br /> “Okay, okay,” I said, holding up my hands. “Whatever.”<br /> “This is a contract job,” she said. “Our client wants a rare Incan statue owned by Mr. Michael Copeland. We’re going to steal it.”<br /> “What does it look like?” I asked.<br /> “It looks like an Incan idol statue,” she said. “It’s a fat man sitting down, and the statue should be green.”<br /> “That’s specific,” I mumbled. <br /> “Mr. Copeland and his family are out of the country until next week and I possess the code to the burglar alarm. This should be just a routine job.”<br /> “Should be?” I asked.<br /> “Things can always go wrong,” she said. “But don’t worry about that.”<br /> Don’t worry about it? Pretty impossible now that she brought it up. <br /> “Here’s the plan,” she continued. “We’ll be driven to a location a few blocks from Mr. Copeland’s house. We’ll stay in the shadows and alleys all the way to the target house.”<br /> “What if someone sees us?” I asked. I gestured to what I was wearing. “We aren’t exactly discreet looking.”<br /> “They won’t,” she said. “We’ll enter through the back door of Mr. Copeland’s residence after entering the code for the burglar alarm. According to our client, the statue is kept in his bedroom, located upstairs. Your job is to retrieve the statue while I stay downstairs and make sure there we left no trace coming inside and check for any other alarms we may have tripped. Once you have the statue, we’ll go back out to the alley behind the house, where our ride will be waiting. Got it?”<br /> I was starting to experience extreme fear. I could only nod. Okay, it sounded easy-ish I guess - it wasn’t rocket science, certainly - but my brain could only concentrate on what could go wrong. I could get killed. I could go to jail. Despite Claire’s assertion that she stole things for fun, I couldn’t imagine how it could be enjoyable in any way. I shouldn’t have taken the job. But I mean, it was either this or get my memory wiped, and this was less invasive. I couldn’t help thinking that my mom would kill me if she ever found out.<br /> “Paige,” she said sharply. “Do you understand?” I swallowed, and it felt like I was ingesting a bowling ball. One of the really heavy ones that I could never lift.<br /> “Absolutely,” I said, smiling weakly. <br /> “Good,” she said. “Go downstairs and I’ll meet you there.” She turned without a word and left. I slowly stood up and breathed in deeply. Calm. I was calm and collected. I could do this. I would be fine.<br /> Oh dear God, I was going to die.<br /> <br /> Claire came down the stairs in her costume. It was a catsuit like mine, but it was unzipped several inches farther than I would have been comfortable with. It was emerald green, and her mask, unlike mine, covered the top of her head but left the bottom half of her face exposed, and it tied under the chin. She handed me a wireless earpiece with a small microphone attached, similar to a Bluetooth. <br /> “Press this button,” she said, pointing to a button on the earpiece, “and you’ll be able to talk with me.” I put the communication device in my ear, where it fit perfectly. <br /> “Try it out,” Claire said. I reached up and pressed the button. <br /> “Testing, testing,” I said.<br /> “I can hear you perfectly,” Claire said. She pressed the button on hers. “Can you hear me?”<br /> “Roger that,” I said.<br /> “I don’t think you used that phrase correctly,” she said. I shrugged. Claire wordlessly walked out the door and I followed. She led me to a waiting car, which surprisingly wasn’t a limo today. It was a silver, slightly dirty car. <br /> “Watch this,” she said. She pulled something out of one of the pouches around her waist and pressed a button.<br /> “So there’s actually stuff in the pouches!” I exclaimed. “Cool.” <br /> “Look at the license plate,” she said. I squinted in the dim light provided by the outside house light. The license plate had changed!<br /> “Wait…what?” I said in disbelief. “What happened?”<br /> “When you have money, Miss Parker, you can commission anything,” she said.<br /> “So what, do you have Q locked up in the basement or something?” I joked.<br /> I wasn’t sure if she didn’t understand the reference or if she didn’t think the facetious question was worth replying to. In any case, she ignored me, as I was quickly beginning to discover was a recurring motif around this place.<br /> “Every time we do a job, we change the license plate, just in case someone happens to notice what it was. Each one is registered, paid for, and perfectly legal.”<br /> “Everything’s legal except for the little device that changes the plate on demand,” I said. “Gotcha.” Claire chose not to reply and instead climbed into the back of the car. I followed. The driver was the same one who always drove me places. I waved cheerfully and he nodded solemnly back in me. Would it kill anyone to crack a joke in this place? The seriousness was almost stifling.<br /> “Can we listen to the radio or something?” I asked.<br /> “No,” Claire said. And that was the end of that. You know when you’re in a constricted space with someone you maybe don’t like or someone you don’t know, and the silence is so loud it almost has mass? That’s what it was like in the car during that trip. The silence was ringing in my ears and I had the incredible urge to break it with a comment. Objectively, I knew that would be a bad idea, as anything said out of a panic to end an awkward silence was sure to be stupid. And yet I went and spoke anyway. <br /> “Have you and Hurricane ever, uh…” I trailed off as Claire slowly turned to look at me. Well, I had to finish now. “Ever, um…had a thing?” Claire didn’t move her cool eyes from me. I immediately regretted speaking.<br /> “Why do you say that?” she asked.<br /> “Well uh, Batman had an on-again off-again thing with Catwoman, and um, in All-Star Batman and Robin Superman had a thing with Wonder Woman who was kind of, uh…” -I almost said “a bitch”, but then thought better of it - “Strong willed. So um…yeah,” I finished awkwardly.<br /> “You’re basing an assumption on the fact that you once read it in a comic book?” she asked.<br /> “Um…maybe?”<br /> “No,” she said. “I have never had a thing with Hurricane.” And that was the end of that scintillating conversation. We rode in complete, total, and awkward silence for the rest of the ride.<br /> “I’ll drive around town and then park in the back alley in twenty minutes,” the driver said.<br /> “Thanks Hoke!” I said.<br /> “You used that one already,” he said.<br /> “I don’t know any other chauffeurs,” I admitted. The chauffeur had let us out right beside a deserted park. Claire quickly moved into the shadows and I followed her, trying to mimic her quick, gliding movements and failing. I felt like an elephant trying to mimic a panther. My earpiece crackled and Claire’s voice came through, causing me to jump about a foot in the air.<br /> “Paige,” she said. “You’re going to have to move faster.”<br /> “Or you can move a little slower!” I hissed. I looked up to see where she was. She was about twenty-five feet in front of me and was waving me over impatiently. I ran, trying my best to stay in the shadows, and stopped beside her. I tried to hide my heavy breathing. Claire, as always, was completely self-possessed.<br /> “The park leads out to a back alley,” she said, pointing. “It’s lined with trees, so we shouldn’t be seen.”<br /> “Shouldn’t be,” I said. “But there’s always a possibility?”<br /> “Of course there’s always a possibility,” she said. “Nothing is a hundred percent. There’s always an element of risk.” I could sense this is what she found so attractive about stealing. For me though, it was the worst part. “Let’s go.” Claire darted into the alley and kept near to the trees. I had the uncomfortable feeling that came from being out of my depth, but there was nothing else to do but follow Claire to the house. Finally she scaled a small, decorative fence, and dropped into the Copelands’ backyard. I failed on my first attempt at climbing the fence, but semi-succeeded on my second, falling on my back as I dropped to the ground. Claire looked at me with barely concealed disgust.<br /> “What?” I asked, getting up and dusting myself off.<br /> “Paige, please try to remember that you’re representing me, representing Siege Spinner, whenever we do a job. It doesn’t reflect well on my reputation when you look so clumsy and awkward.” I bristled.<br /> “Well, Siege Spinner, if we’re doing our job right, no one will see us, so I think your reputation as a lowlife is secure,” I snapped. Claire narrowed her eyes and almost stomped over to where I was sitting.<br /> “What did you call me?” she asked quietly, icily.<br /> “Siege Spinner?”<br /> “You called me a lowlife,” she said. “I am not a lowlife. If you say that to me again, you will be severely injured.” The look in her eyes was almost as scary as the possibility of going to jail. I believed her that she would hurt me if I got her mad again. Since she could probably kill me with one hand tied behind her back, I shut up and followed her to the house.<br /> Claire went to the burglar alarm on the outside of the house and punched in a code. She pulled some kind of silver gun - it kind of resembled a nil gun - out of the holster at her hip. It had a long, thin, silver needle coming out of the end, and she put that into the lock of the door.<br /> “Lockaid lock release gun,” she explained. “It worked on almost every pin tumbler lock. It used to be available only to law enforcement, but now you can get it pretty much anywhere on the internet.” I nodded, for lack of any reply. There was a click, and she pushed the door open. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the lack of light. Claire handed me a small pair of goggles. “Night vision,” she said. I put them on and everything took on a greenish tinge. I felt like I was in a Paris Hilton video.<br /> “Where were you keeping these?” I asked.<br /> “Ever hear of hammerspace?”<br /> I didn’t ask.<br /> “I’m going to stay here and make sure there aren’t any silent alarms,” Claire said. “You go upstairs and find the statue.”<br /> “What if there are alarms upstairs?” I asked.<br /> “In my experience, they’re always on the ground floor,” she said. “You’ll be fine. It’s in his bedroom.”<br /> “Okaly dokaly,” I said. The stairs were right behind me and I slowly climbed them, feeling as if things were going to jump out of the shadows at me.<br /> “Stay away from the windows!” Claire hissed.<br /> “Got it,” I called back. The top of the staircase led to a hallway with about four rooms. The first one was a bathroom. I didn’t even bother looking. The next room was a bedroom, but it didn’t look lived in. I assumed it was a guest room. I did a quick scan, but there was nothing that looked like an Incan statue. However, the next room looked like a lived in bedroom. I could dimly see an unmade bed and a night table with a book on it. On the dresser was some kind of figurine that could be what I was looking for. I went over and picked it up. It looked like some kind of sitting man. I couldn’t tell whether it was green or not through the goggles, but I guessed this was the statue. I picked it up to bring it to Claire to confirm its authenticity, but just as I picked it up I was tackled my a large, dark object. The statue dropped out of my hands as I fell and rolled across the floor, coming to a stop when it hit the wall. My goggles flew off in the fall but thankfully, my mask remained intact. Whoever tackled me sat on my back and pinned my arms to the floor.<br /> “I don’t think that’s yours, is it?” my attacker said.<br /> “Aw, nuts,” was all I could think of to say.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-4333289866167457439?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-7676032026079439942010-03-01T13:03:00.003-06:002010-03-01T13:06:55.817-06:00So Screnzy is next month, and my plan was to adapt this year's NaNo into a movie script. Only problem, I'm not really done. I wanted to have at least 80K for this NaNo, and I'm going to do that in one epic month! I'm toning it down a little (I AM a student, after all) and going for a thousand words a day. This will (hopefully) give me a total of 82, 490 words, just in time to start Script Frenzy. I'll be updating here, so give me some more incentive to finish. It's surprisingly hard to stick to a goal when you don't have constant updates and other people going through the same thing with you, but I will succeed.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-767603202607943994?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-20448540318517915162010-02-22T15:43:00.001-06:002010-02-22T15:43:57.139-06:00That is all.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-2044854031851791516?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-11790028998604518542010-02-21T23:09:00.002-06:002010-02-21T23:12:03.848-06:00Here's chapter 3 of this year's magnificent nanowrimo. In today's installment, Paige meets her mysterious future employer, Wellesley is mean again and strangely childish, and Paige has a conversation with a drunk guy.<br /><br />Chapter 3<br /><br />I’m the goddamn Batman.<br />-Batman, All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder, Issue #2 <br /><br /> I was inside a completely white room. This must have been what it was like to be in a mental asylum. I couldn’t even see where the walls met the ground, making for a very disorienting feeling. A white envelope was lying on the ground and I didn’t even notice it at first until I saw the writing on the front, the black of the calligraphy contrasting sharply with the white of the floor. I picked up the envelope and ripped it open, letting it fall to the floor. There was another card with the words Escape from this room on it. Nothing else. Just escape. How I was supposed to do that without doors or windows, I wasn’t really sure.<br /> Someone, I assumed Ella, started pounding on the door. Of course! Why not just go back? But then how would I move forward? The question sounded existential, but it was irritatingly felicitous for my situation.<br /> I turned back to the door through which I had just emerged and turned the handle. Locked. What the hell? I took the key from my pocket where I had stashed it, and turned it in the lock. Nothing. How was it possible that the door locked from both the outside and the inside? What kind of locksmith voodoo was this?<br /> I gave up and put the key back in my pocket. I wasn’t sure why - I probably wouldn’t need it in an emergency. But who knows? In video games, things you pick up are always useful later. Ella paused in her assault of the door but soon attacked with renewed force. <br /> “Hey!” I barked. “I can’t open the door! So shut up so I can think!” It didn’t help. I tried to ignore the thumps and concentrate on the task at hand. If these annoying little “challenges” were anything to go by, this job consisted solely of finding doors where you thought there were none. Just like in the laser tag challenge, I walked the perimeter of the room, feeling the walls for cracks or buttons, but there was nothing. My eyes started to hurt from the constant whiteness of it all, and I wished I had snow goggles. <br /> Then came the floor. I crawled around the room on hands and knees, feeling for some sort of invisible manhole or something. Nothing. This was proving more difficult than I thought. I stood in front of the wall and kicked it.<br /> “Dammit!” I exclaimed, hopping backward on one foot. I was so stupid. What was I supposed to do, punch a hole through the wall? There had to be a way out of the room, but I had no idea how to go about finding it. There weren’t any doors as far as I could tell. What exactly was I missing? <br /> It didn’t take long for me to give up. I sprawled myself out in the middle of the floor like a starfish.<br /> “Jeremiah was a bullfrog…” I started. “Was a good friend of mine…”<br /> I paused. <br /> “I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him to drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.” I stood up and simultaneously got louder. <br /> “JOY! TO THE WORLD! ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS! JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA! AND JOY! TO YOU AND ME!”<br /> I paused. There was nothing. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting.<br /> “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE WORLD. I’D TELL YOU WHAT I’D DO! I’D THROW AWAY THE BARS AND THE CARS AND THE WARS AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU!”<br /> I didn’t know what else to do. So I kept singing, hoping that maybe someone was listening and they would be so annoyed that they would let me out just to make the singing stop. I hoped that person would be Wellesley.<br /> “SINGING JOY! TO THE WORLD! ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS! JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA, AND JOY TO YOU AND ME.”<br /> “Be quiet!” a voice, unmistakably Wellesley’s, yelled. I jumped, as if it was the voice of Jigsaw emanating from the ceiling. <br /> “I HAVE A VERY LARGE SONG REPERTOIRE!” I yelled, looking around to see if I could find out where the voice was coming from. “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SHOW TUNES?”<br /> A door slid up in the side of the wall and Wellesley stepped through it, entirely unamused.<br /> “Hey, buddy!” I said. “What’s up?”<br /> “You are the most irritating human being I’ve ever come across,” Wellesley said.<br /> “And yet, I’m the only one to make it through, aren’t I?” I grinned. “Doesn’t that just make you want to throw things?”<br /> “Follow me,” he said, gesturing unenthusiastically into the next room. I started walking across the room.<br /> “So, uh, do you guys have some kind of pathological aversion to normal doors with hinges?” I asked. He didn’t answer. “’Cause, uh, I notice that there are all these slidey doors and stuff. None of them really have any doorknobs. Except for that one back there, and that door locks from both sides. How in the world did you manage that, by the way? I mean, doors don’t work that way-”<br /> “Has anyone ever forcibly told you to be quiet?” Wellesley asked. “Because I’m very close to doing so.”<br /> “Aw, but you can’t bring yourself to, can you, Wellesley?” I said. “That’s so sweet.”<br /> “Wait here until she wants you,” he said, exiting back through the white room. I was in a lush carpeted room with two arm chairs against the wall. What the hell was this place?<br /> I sat down in one of the armchairs and slouched down comfortably. I jumped up as a door to the adjoining room opened and someone said, “Come in.” Pulse picking up, I stepped into an office of some sort. The carpet was a deep red, and the walls had wood panelling - mahogany, I believed. There were tasteful paintings on the wall and I dark red wooden desk dominated the space. Sitting behind it was a woman. She had long, impeccably straightened hair and long bangs pulled back, forming a perfect bump of hair that not even a Bump-it could hope to achieve. Her fingers were long and thin and ended in perfectly shaped nails. She had bright blue eyes and a button nose. She looked, dare I say it, cute, but she had an outward coldness that suggested she could break all my fingers and not feel any remorse. She was like a perfectly formed ice sculpture. I went ahead and sat in the chair opposite her. Her eyebrows raised at the impropriety - I assumed she was the kind of girl who wanted people to wait for her permission, but I wasn’t the type to wait until someone told me what to do.<br /> “Is someone finally going to tell me what’s going on here?” I asked. <br /> “Miss Parker,” she said. Her voice was cool and slightly husky. “Tell me how you got to this point?”<br /> “Well, I was born to a university professor and a non-fiction author…” I started.<br /> “I don’t want your life story,” she snapped. “How did you pass the challenges?”<br /> “I’m assuming you were watching, like some kind of creepy voyeur,” I said. Her eyes narrowed but she didn’t lose her composure. I had the feeling that she hadn’t let her emotions run unchecked in a very long time, possibly forever. <br /> “I want to hear it from you,” she said. She leaned forward and clasped her hands on the table. I sighed.<br /> “So for the redonk laser tag challenge, I took off my vest so that I couldn’t get shot, and if my vest happened to get shot ten times, they wouldn’t be able to find me.”<br /> “Why did you do that?” she asked.<br /> “Because I knew I would never win otherwise,” I said. <br /> “Without cheating,” she said.<br /> “Yeah,” I said. “Anyway. For the weird water challenge, I swam across the pool.”<br /> “But the note said not to touch the water,” she said. “Why did you swim it?”<br /> “Because there was this insane gymnastics champion chick there! I knew she would beat me unless I swam across the pool. I would never have caught up to her if I had to follow her on the ropes.” <br /> “And you didn’t stop to think that that could get you disqualified?” she asked.<br /> “Look, you said complete the challenges to get to the end. I did that. If you didn’t like it, well, I didn’t have to take the job. It didn’t matter to me either way.”<br /> “So you’re willing to cheat,” she said bluntly.<br /> “If there’s no other way,” I said.<br /> “Interesting,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “And what about the third challenge?” <br /> “What, you mean that white room was a challenge?” I asked.<br /> “You had to escape,” she said. “That’s what the card said.”<br /> “I didn’t escape though,” I said. “Wellesley let me out.”<br /> “So you escaped.”<br /> “I guess, technically…”<br /> “How did you do it?”<br /> “Well, I tried to find any hidden doors or windows but I couldn’t find any,” I said. “So I gave up and started being as annoying as possible.” <br /> “Have you ever committed a crime, Miss Parker?”<br /> “Crimes against fashion,” I said. “I wore these Uggs once…” I shuddered. “Terrible.”<br /> “Have you ever broken in anywhere? Shoplifted? Vandalism?”<br /> “Sure, hasn’t everyone done vandalism at one time or another? I threw rocks at street lights. Every twelve year old has,” I said.<br /> “Would you be averse to committing a crime?” she asked. I frowned.<br /> “Okay, what exactly is going on here?” I asked, getting progressively more and more frustrated. “This is for a job as an assistant, right? What’s with all the crazy challenges and the weird questions? Would it kill you to just be straightforward?”<br /> Her questions suddenly went in abeyance as she eyed me analytically.<br /> “Do you know who I am?” she asked.<br /> “Should I?” I asked. “I mean, you seem to be some kind of childlike sociopath, what with the laser tag and the challenges and everything.” She smiled, but her eyes remained cold and hard. <br /> “My name is Claire Queen,” she said.<br /> “Oh right, right!” I said. “Claire Queen. Queen Corporation.” <br /> “So you know who I am?” she asked. <br /> “Everyone does,” I said. Claire Queen was consistently on lists of the top whatever richest women in business. I wasn’t quite sure what her company did, but she was one of the richest women - richest people - in Arrington. Curiouser and curiouser. “So if you’re Claire Queen, one of the most powerful women in Arrington, what are you doing here with this whole big contest thing?”<br /> “Have you heard of Siege Spinner?” she asked.<br /> “Yeah, she’s that masked thief or whatever,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I was just being slow but I had no idea what all these disparate elements had in common - the job offer, Queen Corporation, Siege Spinner…I just couldn’t seem to make it make sense in my head, no matter how hard I tried.<br /> “What if I was to tell you that I - the head of Queen Corporation - was actually Siege Spinner?” she said.<br /> “Um…I would wonder why in the world you were robbing banks when Queen Corporation has made you a millionaire,” I said.<br /> “Have you ever experienced the rush of being in danger?” she asked. <br /> “Once,” I said. “My sister burped in my face. I thought I was going to die.”<br /> “You can’t understand the rush of it until it happens to you,” she said, ignoring my response. “Crime…satisfies me.” <br /> “And since you’re rich, you can escape from any potentially sticky situations,” I said. “Of course. That makes sense.”<br /> “So you’re not scared,” she said.<br /> “Of what, you?” I asked. “Is there a reason I should be? You steal things. I have nothing you want. Plus, I’ve been in your mansion for a few hours now, and you haven’t done anything to me yet.”<br /> “You know, you’re rough around the edges,” she said. “You have your own mind. And you’re brave.”<br /> “Stop it, I’m blushing,” I said sarcastically.<br /> “I’m not sure if those traits will turn out to be an asset or a downside,” she said. “But I’m going to offer you the job anyway.”<br /> “But what exactly is it?” I asked. “Something to do with Queen Corporation? And why exactly did you tell me that you’re Siege Spinner?”<br /> “You’re so slow,” she said. “We’ll have to fix that. I want to offer you the job of villain support. To me.”<br /> “Villain support?” I said slowly. “You mean…a sidekick? Like Robin?”<br /> “I despise the word sidekick,” she said. “Villain support.”<br /> “You want me to turn to a life of crime,” I said. “Exactly how much are you paying me to leave ethics behind?”<br /> “Look, if you’re so worried about your morals, you don’t have to accept the job. You can walk out of here. Of course, you know who I am so…”<br /> “So you’re going to kill me if I refuse?” I said. “You know, I think I can go to the Labour Standards with this…”<br /> “I’m not going to kill you, you idiot,” she snapped, dropping her perfect poise. “I’m just going to…wipe your mind a little.”<br /> “Wipe my mind a little?” I exclaimed. “Is that like being a little pregnant?”<br /> “Don’t be a child,” she said. “Just your memory of the last few hours.”<br /> “That’s a little invasive, don’t you think?” I said. “And where in the world did you get memory wiping technology? The men in black?”<br /> “I have money,” Claire said. “Lots of it.”<br /> “I won’t tell anyone who you are,” I said. “Pinkie swear.”<br /> “Ah, but I can’t be too sure of that,” Claire said. “A woman in my position can’t be too careful. You understand.”<br /> “What happens if I leave right now, dodge Wellesley, and get to the outside world? I can take you down in a second.”<br /> “Really?” she said, raising an eyebrow. “I’m richer than half of Arrington put together. Do you know what I could do to you with that amount of money?”<br /> “Lock me in a room with it and force me to swim through it, Scrooge McDuck-style?”<br /> “If you somehow manage to escape from here, you’ll never be able to do anything to me. I can take anything you decide to throw at me.” I paused.<br /> “Why would you go through all this effort, risk detection by wiping a bunch of memories - because I’m assuming everyone who went home forgot they came here - just to get a side- villain support?”<br /> “I can do anything I want,” she said. “And you’re rapidly running out of time. What’s your answer?”<br /> “Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “I have a few questions.”<br /> “Fine,” she said. “What are they?”<br /> “How much am I getting paid. Is it salary or like, commission, or…?”<br /> “You’ll get a cut of what we get,” she said. “It will start fairly small…”<br /> “You said ‘high wages’!” I protested.<br /> “…But it will increase once I see how helpful you are to me,” she said.<br /> “How dangerous is this? Like, will I die?”<br /> “You’ll be robbing banks and prominent people,” Claire said. “They have guards, dogs, and alarms. What do you think?”<br /> “So I can get killed,” I said.<br /> “There’s always a risk,” Claire said. “Are you going to let that stop you?”<br /> For the first time, I was actually interested - dare I say it, almost enthusiastic - about something. The element of danger definitely appealed to me. Growing up, I had the most boring life imaginable. Nuclear family, no deaths, not even any normal school drama. Maybe my apathy towards life was a by-product of never having anything to care about. And now things were starting to get more exciting, and I found it difficult not to get caught up in everything. Objectively, I knew that I could die. Objectively, I knew it was a stupid idea - if I went to jail, my mom would kill me. But I couldn’t deny that the glamour, the danger, the excitement of a criminal lifestyle was very attractive. Plus…money. And I didn’t want my memory wiped, of course.<br /> “Okay, yeah, whatever,” I said. “I’ll do it.” She smiled slowly, languorously, like a cat. Would I regret this later? Tough to tell.<br /> “Great,” she said. “I’ll send Wellesley and some others to pick up your stuff and you can move into the mansion.”<br /> “Hey, whoa now,” I said. “That’s not happening.” Claire’s expression hardened.<br /> “What exactly are you saying?” she asked.<br /> “Look, Claire, or Siege Spinner, or whatever. I have a life. I have school. I have a place to live. I’m not putting everything on hold for you.”<br /> “That wasn’t part of the deal!”<br /> “What are you talking about?” I almost screamed in frustration. “There was no deal! You gave us no information about this was! In fact, you lied about it. Assistant my ass! And you’re getting mad at me for not being able to read your mind and somehow divine all these conditions?”<br /> “You’re in school?” she said quietly. <br /> “Is that going to be a problem?” I asked.<br /> “You didn’t tell us this,” she said, her voice even.<br /> “You didn’t ask,” I said. “Is this going to be a problem?”<br /> “What are your days like?” she asked.<br /> “I’m out be three every day,” I said.<br /> “I’m assuming you don’t have much of a social life-”<br /> “Hey!”<br /> “-so this shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”<br /> “Uh…thanks?”<br /> She stood up and came around the desk so that she was standing beside me. “Stand up,” she said. <br /> “Huh?”<br /> “It’s two words,” she said. “You really need me to define them?”<br /> “Ha, ha,” I said sarcastically. “Why should I stand up?”<br /> “Just do it,” she said. <br /> “Like Nike,” I said, sighing. I got up and she looked me up and down. “Um…I feel a little uncomfortable…” She snapped her fingers, and an older lady holding a tape measure walked in and started measuring different parts of my body.<br /> “Um…what is this for?” I asked.<br /> “You need to have a costume, of course,” she said. <br /> “Of course,” I said. The lady finished and silently left. <br /> “I’m going to need you back here tomorrow at around midnight,” Claire said. “That’s all.”<br /> “How do you know you can trust me?” I asked.<br /> “Are you saying I shouldn’t?” she asked.<br /> “I’m saying if you want to keep something a secret, maybe you should be more careful.”<br /> “I’ve managed this long,” Claire said. “I know what I’m doing.”<br /> “I don’t know how to get to your place,” I said, changing the subject. “If you’ll recall, I rode here in a limo with tinted windows.” <br /> “Then you’ll get here the same way,” Claire said. “Someone will be waiting outside your home with a limo. You’ll be here at noon. Don’t make the driver wait.” Claire snapped her fingers again and Wellesley appeared. What, did everyone in the place have superhuman hearing? Were they just standing around waiting for Claire to snap her fingers? And did they have some kind of telepathic powers to enable them to figure out which one she was calling with a snap of her fingers? Or did they orchestrate the whole thing just to intimidate me? I couldn’t even begin to guess at Claire’s motives.<br /> Wellesley gestured with quick, brusque movements to me to follow him. I followed him back out into the waiting room. He stood in one spot and I went beside him.<br /> “Wellesley, old buddy?” I said. “Can I get out of here?” Wellesley didn’t answer and the floor shuddered and started slowly descending. Well, not the whole floor. A little square about six feet by six feet started moving downwards, like a little dumbwaiter.<br /> “So…how long have you worked for Claire?” I asked, attempting to break the awkward silence. Wellesley didn’t say anything.<br /> “Hey,” I said. “Baptistin. What’s up with the silent treatment?” <br /> “I would much prefer it if you refrained from speaking at all,” Wellesley said, looking down his nose at me.<br /> “Listen, buddy, I’m not appreciating the attitude,” I said. “I haven’t done anything to you, and yet you immediately decide that you hate me. Well I’m going to be around for awhile, so you better deal with that.” Wellesley suddenly leaned down so that his face was inches from mine.<br /> “Just because Claire chose you doesn’t mean that you and I have to be friends,” Wellesley said. “I’ve been in her employ for a lot longer than you have. If it comes down to the two of us, you’ll be out of there.”<br /> “Lurch, it’s not a competition,” I said. “You’ve got a little crush on Claire, whatever. It’s not like I’m going to come in between you guys.”<br /> “I do not have a crush on Claire,” Wellesley said. “I just think you’re a little snot.”<br /> “Ooh, my innocence,” I said sarcastically. “You better find a way to deal with me, Wellesley. I’m not leaving.”<br /> “There’s the door,” he said, gesturing. The dumbwaiter had stopped in the downstairs waiting room while Wellesley and I were arguing.<br /> “Well, obviously, I’m leaving now,” I said as I realized that I was, in fact, leaving. ‘But I’m not leaving this job!” I headed for the door. “See you tomorrow, Wellesley!” <br /> <br /> When I got back to my room, I heard voices inside. Not a good sign. I opened the door and was assaulted by noise. Cat had evidently decided to invite a bunch of people to our place for a party. Just lovely. I dropped my bag in my room and ventured out to the living room. If I wasn’t going to get any sleep, I may as well join the party, even though that was completely not what I wanted to do. All I wanted to do was go to bed and process everything. My roommates were making that impossible.<br /> Indeterminate club music blared from someone’s iPod, which was hooked up to some speakers. Everyone in the apartment was crowded around a beer pong table, cheering and laughing. No one seemed to notice my return, which was fine.<br /> I found vodka in the kitchen and mixed myself a drink. I thought that after the day I had, I needed one. I wandered into the living room and stood against the wall. Why was I here? I hated parties. They bored me. Why wasn’t I in my room with my earplugs in?<br /> “Having fun?” someone yelled in my ear over the music. I jumped, spilling a little bit of my drink on my shirt. Great. I looked over at the intruder of my personal space. He was tallish with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He had a round baby face and soft features. He was wearing a sky blue t-shirt and faded jeans and was holding a beer.<br /> “Tons,” I said laconically, hoping if I didn’t talk much he would go away.<br /> “I can tell,” he said, after a pause. He grinned impishly. “I’m Owen.”<br /> “Uh huh,” I said. I took another drink. Damn. I mixed the vodka too strong.<br /> “Usually you’re supposed to reply with your name,” Owen said. The ping pong ball escaped from the semi-drunk people surrounding the table and hit the wall between my head and Owen’s head.<br /> “Is that so,” I said. “How about you guess.”<br /> “Make me work for it,” he said. “Okay, I’m okay with that. Hortense? No? Henrietta? Um…Douglas?”<br /> “Douglas?” I said. “Really?”<br /> “There are some crazy unisex names these days,” he said. “Anne Rice’s real name is Howard.” <br /> “Paige,” I said.<br /> “What’s that?” he asked.<br /> “My name,” I said. “It’s Paige.”<br /> “I’ll just call you Hortense,” he said.<br /> “You can call me Paige or I’ll break your finger,” I said sweetly.<br /> “Not into the flirting so much, okay,” he said. “That’s fine. How’s your night going so far?”<br /> “Terrible,” I said. “I just got this crazy new job and then I come home to find strangers in my apartment. I’m never going to get to sleep tonight.”<br /> “You can come sleep in my room tonight…I’m sorry, that was very…whoa,” he said, without taking a breath between the two thoughts. I wasn’t sure if this Owen person was this verbose all the time, or if he was just nervous at being in a social situation. I wasn’t quite sure how to reply to him. “What kind of job?”<br /> “Holy non sequitur, Batman,” I said. “It’s a…” How should I put this? “Job as an assistant.”<br /> “That’s exciting, very exciting,” he said. “To who?”<br /> “I believe it’s ‘whom’,” I said.<br /> “Pardon me?”<br /> “Whom,” I said. “Not who. Whom.”<br /> “Huh,” he said. “Let me guess - English major?”<br /> “History,” I said. “Close enough.”<br /> “How is that close enough?” he asked.<br /> “We both write a lot of essays,” I said. <br /> “Let me ask you a question, Miss Paige, to see if we can really be friends,” Owen said.<br /> “This sounds serious,” I said. “Shoot.”<br /> “How would feel right now if I did the yawn and stretch?” <br /> “How drunk are you right now?” I asked. <br /> “I will not lie - I’m a bit tipsy,” he admitted. “But that just makes me more charming, yes?”<br /> “That just makes you more charming, no,” I said. “But to answer your question, if you did the yawn and stretch, I would probably get freaked out and leave.” <br /> He nodded, thinking. “So…no yawn and stretch.”<br /> “No yawn and stretch.”<br /> “I’m gonna go to bed,” he informed me.<br /> “Good for you,” I said. <br /> “Could you maybe walk me to my room? You know, just to make sure I don’t get mugged on the way,” he said.<br /> “I’m sure the dorm is completely safe, but yes, I would love to walk you to your room,” I said. “Come on.” I led the way out of the room, with Owen drunkenly stumbling his way behind me.<br /> “My room is on the fourth floor,” Owen said. Two floors above mine. I started up the stairs. <br /> “So, Owen,” I said. “What’s your major?” I didn’t particularly care, but I didn’t like the awkward silence.<br /> “Journalism,” he said.<br /> “Hmm,” I said. “Interesting.”<br /> “This is my room,” Owen said. He got his keys out and turned around to face me.<br /> “So…” he said, slurring just a little bit. “This is the part of the date where I kiss you.”<br /> “This isn’t a date and you aren’t going to kiss me,” I said. “Good night, Owen.”<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1179002899860451854?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-91005569067669991132010-02-09T11:03:00.003-06:002010-02-09T11:30:06.238-06:00There's a lot about journalism classes that I love. 99% of the people in it are AWESOME, and also I get to go places for free (such as the Royal Winter Fair) and I get to meet people I never would otherwise (such as Ryan North, writer of Dinosaur Comics). <br /><br />But then you get the douchenozzles.<br /><br />We got this assignment where we had to contact someone and job shadow them, doing a sort of "day in the life" profile. I thought it would be easy. But it wasn't. Oh, how it wasn't.<br /><br />It took me forever to think of someone interesting, but finally decided on a director on the set of Flashpoint. I'm pretty persistent when it comes to getting hold of someone (I had to use some creative means to get Ryan North) so I thought it would be a snap. <br /><br />No.<br /><br />I called Flashpoint production, who told me to call the Director's Guild of Canada and set it up through them. So I called the DGC and had to wait 24 hours while they decided what to tell me. They finally got back to me and said there was no problem on their end and they didn't know why production told me to call them. So I called production back, who told me to call the DGC. YES, DOUCHEBAGS, I CALLED THEM ALREADY. They told me to talk to someone named Victoria, but she wasn't in that day. I called back the next day and she was still gone. The next day I got a call from the publicist, who I'm pretty sure told me to call the DGC again. She told me to send her an email and she would forward it to someone. Okay, so I did that and sent it at about nine at night. 12 hours later I get a reply saying:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Dear Robin,</span><div style="font-style: italic;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: italic;">I hope this note finds you well.</div><div style="font-style: italic;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: italic;">Thank you very much for your interest in shadowing a Director on the set of Flashpoint. It is with regret I must inform you that we are not able to accommodate such a request at this time. </div><div style="font-style: italic;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: italic;">I wish you success with your project.</div><div style="font-style: italic;"><br /></div><div style="font-style: italic;">Best regards,</div><span style="font-style: italic;">Beverly</span><br /><br />Yeah, thanks Beverly. I can't help but notice this email is from you and not someone else, so I have no choice but to conclude that you didn't even forward my email. If you really wished me success, you would be more helpful. I reeeeeally appreciate the autoreply, and the fact that you made me email you specifically so you could reject me over email and not over the phone. Real classy. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, I would much appreciate being rejected outright instead of sent on a wild goose chase. That way I get more time to schedule someone else! What a strange concept, I know.<br /><br />So whatever. I still had about two weeks. I shook it off and zeroed in on my next target: the Toronto Zoo to shadow a zookeeper.<br /><br />I called and was forwarded to Animal Care. I told the guy there my request, and the only problem with that was that they had a program in place for job shadowing, and you had to pay to do it. He told me to email him and CC it to his boss and they would get back to me. I was a little unsure about that, as emailing didn't turn out so well with Flashpoint, but they already had a program in place so I didn't think it would be too hard to figure something out. I was totally willing to pay if it wasn't too much. So I waited two days, and then called the zoo. The guy didn't pick up his phone. I went to bed and phoned the next day (Thursday). Apparently he was out of the office until Monday. That was no good - if this was a no, I needed to schedule something before then. I decided to give up on the zoo, who apparently brushed me off just like Flashpoint. BITCHES. I mean, is it that hard to give me an answer? You talk it over with your boss and decide whether or not you're going to ask me to pay for the job shadowing. THERE IS ALREADY A PROGRAM IN PLACE, so it's not that hard to schedule something!<br /><br />At this point I had a mild freakout and then sent out an email blitz. I emailed CityTV, MuchMusic, Omni, CBC, three different police departments, and I think three more places that I can't remember. No replies the next day so I asked if my friend Genevieve if I could shadow her at work. She said yes and we scheduled that. So I had a backup if nothing else worked. Friday I got an email from the forensics department saying "phone this number and if an officer is there maybe we can schedule something". That sounded like a no and I was sick of calling people so I wasn't going to call. Then I got another email from the forensics guy saying "call me on Monday to confirm a date/time." YESSSSSS I LOVE YOU TORONTO POLICE! I called Monday and while I don't get to shadow an actual forensic scientist who goes to crime scenes and stuff, I get to shadow someone in the forensics department and I think I'll get to see stuff in the lab, so that's cool.<br /><br />The hilarious thing about the Toronto Police is that they are SO UP for being interviewed. I had to call a little while ago to try to get an interview with Chief Bill Blair and it didn't work out even though everyone I talked to was so nice about it. I was talking to the publicist/media liaison and he asked me what exactly I needed so he could try to help me and I told him I just wanted to interview someone in law enforcement and he's like, "you can interview me." He sounded so modest about it but I'm sure he was excited about being interviewed. Same with this forensics guy, he was like, "You can follow me around." They've actually come through for me very well both times I've tried to talk to them. I really like them. The only thing I'm not a fan of is that I have to travel very far to get there (about fifteen subway stops, then a forty minute bus ride) but hey, that's all part of the adventure.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-9100556906766999113?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-16348615474757052582010-02-08T16:06:00.004-06:002010-02-08T16:58:05.276-06:00Oscar noms were released on Feb. 2nd, and I find that usually it's very easy to tell who will win just from the hype alone. I tried predicting Oscars before and I was mostly wrong, but hey, practice makes perfect! Here are my Oscar predictions for this year, so if I'm right I can say I called it.<br /><br /><b>Best Picture</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Blind%20Side&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Blind Side</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=District%209&amp;ToDate=20101231">District 9</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=An%20Education&amp;ToDate=20101231">An Education</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Precious%3A%20Based%20on%20the%20Novel%20%26%238216%3BPush%27%20by%20Sapphire&amp;ToDate=20101231">Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=A%20Serious%20Man&amp;ToDate=20101231">A Serious Man</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up%20in%20the%20Air&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up in the Air</a>"<br /><br />Tough to say, but it's probably going to be between Precious, Avatar, and An Education. I'm going with Avatar, since I think Precious is going to sweep the acting noms and An Education is too obscure.<br /><br /><b>Best Direction</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=James%20Cameron&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">James Cameron</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Kathryn%20Bigelow&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Kathryn Bigelow</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>," <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Quentin%20Tarantino&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Quentin Tarantino</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Precious%3A%20Based%20on%20the%20Novel%20%26%238216%3BPush%27%20by%20Sapphire&amp;ToDate=20101231">Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire</a>," <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Lee%20Daniels&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Lee Daniels</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up%20in%20the%20Air&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up in the Air</a>," <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Jason%20Reitman&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Jason Reitman</a><br /><br />Tarantino and James Cameron are going to give everyone a run for their money, but I'm guessing there's going to be a dark horse victory from Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker.<br /><br /><b>Actor in a Leading Role</b><br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Jeff%20Bridges&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Jeff Bridges</a>, "Crazy Heart”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=George%20Clooney&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">George Clooney</a>, "Up in the Air”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Colin%20Firth&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Colin Firth</a>, "A Single Man”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Morgan%20Freeman&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Morgan Freeman</a>, "Invictus”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Jeremy%20Renner&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Jeremy Renner</a>, "The Hurt Locker”<br /><br />Bridges is apparently very good in Crazy Heart, and Roger Ebert thinks he could take the Oscar, so I'm going with his decision.<br /><br /><b>Actress in a Leading Role</b><br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Sandra%20Bullock&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Sandra Bullock</a>, "The Blind Side”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Helen%20Mirren&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Helen Mirren</a>, "The Last Station”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Carey%20Mulligan&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Carey Mulligan</a>, "An Education”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Gabourey%20Sidibe&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Gabourey Sidibe</a>, "Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Meryl%20Streep&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Meryl Streep</a>, "Julie &amp; Julia”<br /><br />Carey Mulligan and Gabourey Sidibe are both getting a lot of accolades for their respective roles. I'm going to go with Carey Mulligan, because she was awesome on Doctor Who.<br /><br /><b>Actor in a Supporting Role</b><br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Matt%20Damon&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Matt Damon</a>, "Invictus”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Woody%20Harrelson&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Woody Harrelson</a>, "The Messenger”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Christopher%20Plummer&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Christopher Plummer</a>, "The Last Station”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Stanley%20Tucci&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Stanley Tucci</a>, "The Lovely Bones”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Christoph%20Waltz&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Christoph Waltz</a>, "Inglourious Basterds”<br /><br />I don't know who Christoph Waltz is, but Inglourious Basterds has to get something and it could be Best Supporting Actor.<br /><br /><b>Actress in a Supporting Role</b><br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Penelope%20Cruz&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Penelope Cruz</a>, "Nine”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Vera%20Farmiga&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Vera Farmiga</a>, "Up in the Air”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Maggie%20Gyllenhaal&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Maggie Gyllenhaal</a>, "Crazy Heart”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Anna%20Kendrick&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Anna Kendrick</a>, "Up in the Air”<br /><a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Mo%27Nique&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Mo'Nique</a>, "Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire”<br /><br />Mo'Nique for Precious, no question.<br /><br /><b>Writing (Adapted Screenplay)</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=District%209&amp;ToDate=20101231">District 9</a>," Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=An%20Education&amp;ToDate=20101231">An Education</a>," Screenplay by Nick Hornby<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=In%20the%20Loop&amp;ToDate=20101231">In the Loop</a>," Screenplay by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Precious%3A%20Based%20on%20the%20Novel%20%26%238216%3BPush%27%20by%20Sapphire&amp;ToDate=20101231">Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire</a>," Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up%20in%20the%20Air&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up in the Air</a>," Screenplay by <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Jason%20Reitman&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Jason Reitman</a> and Sheldon Turner<br /><br />Definitely going to be Precious.<br /><br /><b>Writing (Original Screenplay)</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Written by Mark Boal<br />"Inglourious Basterds” Written by <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Quentin%20Tarantino&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Quentin Tarantino</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Messenger&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Messenger</a>," Written by Alessandro Camon &amp; Oren Moverman<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=A%20Serious%20Man&amp;ToDate=20101231">A Serious Man</a>," Written by <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Joel%20Coen&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Joel Coen</a> &amp; <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Ethan%20Coen&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Ethan Coen</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up</a>," Screenplay by Bob Peterson, <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Pete%20Docter&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Pete Docter</a>, Story by <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Pete%20Docter&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Pete Docter</a>, Bob Peterson, <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Tom%20McCarthy&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Tom McCarthy</a><br /><br />The Hurt Locker, even though I want it to be Up. The Coens are always really good, but I don't think the movie is getting good enough reviews.<br /><br /><b>Animated Feature Film</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Coraline&amp;ToDate=20101231">Coraline</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Fantastic%20Mr.%20Fox&amp;ToDate=20101231">Fantastic Mr. Fox</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Princess%20and%20the%20Frog&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Princess and the Frog</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Secret%20of%20Kells&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Secret of Kells</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up</a>"<br /><br />Up's got this tied up (ha ha ha) but there could be a surprise upset from The Princess and the Frog.<br /><br /><b>Art Direction</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Imaginarium%20of%20Doctor%20Parnassus&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus</a>," Art Direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; Set Decoration: Caroline Smith<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Nine&amp;ToDate=20101231">Nine</a>," Art Direction: John Myhre; Set Decoration: Gordon Sim<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Sherlock%20Holmes&amp;ToDate=20101231">Sherlock Holmes</a>," Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Young%20Victoria&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Young Victoria</a>," Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray<br /><br />It's going to be close between Avatar and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but it's probably going to be Avatar.<br /><br /><b>Cinematography</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Mauro Fiore<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Harry%20Potter%20and%20the%20Half-Blood%20Prince&amp;ToDate=20101231">Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince</a>," Bruno Delbonnel<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Barry Ackroyd<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>," Robert Richardson<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20White%20Ribbon&amp;ToDate=20101231">The White Ribbon</a>," Christian Berger<br /><br />Inglourious Basterds.<br /><br /><b>Costume Design</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Bright%20Star&amp;ToDate=20101231">Bright Star</a>," Janet Patterson<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Coco%20Before%20Chanel&amp;ToDate=20101231">Coco Before Chanel</a>," Catherine Leterrier<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Imaginarium%20of%20Doctor%20Parnassus&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus</a>," Monique Prudhomme<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Nine&amp;ToDate=20101231">Nine</a>," Colleen Atwood<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Young%20Victoria&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Young Victoria</a>," Sandy Powell<br /><br />Nine is probably going to take this one, but Coco Before Chanel and the period costumes of The Young Victoria will make it a close race.<br /><br /><b>Documentary (Feature)</b><br />"Burma VJ”<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Cove&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Cove</a>"<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Food%2C%20Inc.&amp;ToDate=20101231">Food, Inc.</a>"<br />"The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers”<br />"Which Way Home”<br /><br />I have no idea what any of these are except The Cove, so we'll go with that one.<br /><br /><b>Documentary (Short Subject)</b><br />"China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province”<br />"The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner”<br />"The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant”<br />"Music by Prudence”<br />"Rabbit à la Berlin”<br /><br />Don't know what these are, so I'm going to pick Rabbit a la Berlin at random.<br /><br /><b>Film Editing</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua and <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=James%20Cameron&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">James Cameron</a><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=District%209&amp;ToDate=20101231">District 9</a>," Julian Clarke<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Bob Murawski and Chris Innis<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>," Sally Menke<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Precious%3A%20Based%20on%20the%20Novel%20%26%238216%3BPush%27%20by%20Sapphire&amp;ToDate=20101231">Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push' by Sapphire</a>," Joe Klotz<br /><br />District 9 deserves something, so we'll give it this one.<br /><br /><b>Foreign Language Film</b><br />"Ajami," Israel<br />"El Secreto de Sus Ojos," Argentina<br />"The Milk of Sorrow," Peru<br />"Un Prophète," France<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20White%20Ribbon&amp;ToDate=20101231">The White Ribbon</a>," Germany<br /><br />Ajami's the only one I've heard of, so sure why not.<br /><br /><b>Makeup</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Il%20Divo&amp;ToDate=20101231">Il Divo</a>," Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Star%20Trek&amp;ToDate=20101231">Star Trek</a>," Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Young%20Victoria&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Young Victoria</a>," Jon Henry Gordon and Jenny Shircore<br /><br />Gotta go with Star Trek and the green skinned alien babes.<br /><br /><b>Music (Original Score)</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," James Horner<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Fantastic%20Mr.%20Fox&amp;ToDate=20101231">Fantastic Mr. Fox</a>," Alexandre Desplat<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Sherlock%20Holmes&amp;ToDate=20101231">Sherlock Holmes</a>," Hans Zimmer<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up</a>," Michael Giacchino<br /><br />Up.<br /><br /><b>Music (Original Song)</b><br />"Almost There” from "The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman<br />"Down in New Orleans” from "The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman<br />"Loin de Paname” from "Paris 36” Music by Reinhardt Wagner Lyric by Frank Thomas<br />"Take It All” from "Nine” Music and Lyric by Maury Yeston<br />"The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)” from "Crazy Heart” Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett<br /><br />Seeing as Nine is a musical and it's their business to have good music, we'll go with Take It All from Nine.<br /><br /><b>Short Film (Animated)</b><br />"French Roast” Fabrice O. Joubert<br />"Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty” Nicky Phelan and Darragh O'Connell<br />"The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)” Javier Recio Gracia<br />"Logorama” Nicolas Schmerkin<br />"A Matter of Loaf and Death” <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=search1&amp;SearchType=1&amp;q=Nick%20Park&amp;Class=%25&amp;FromDate=19150101&amp;ToDate=20101231">Nick Park</a><br /><br />Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty sounds awesome, so we'll go with that.<br /><br /><b>Short Film (Live Action)</b><br />"The Door," Juanita Wilson and James Flynn<br />"Instead of Abracadabra," Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström<br />"Kavi," Gregg Helvey<br />"Miracle Fish," Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey<br />"The New Tenants," Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson<br /><br />I enjoy the name Fjellstrom, so let's go with Instead of Abracadabra.<br /><br /><b>Sound Editing</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Christopher Boyes and Gwendolyn Yates Whittle<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Paul N.J. Ottosson<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>," Wylie Stateman<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Star%20Trek&amp;ToDate=20101231">Star Trek</a>," Mark Stoeckinger and Alan Rankin<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Up&amp;ToDate=20101231">Up</a>," Michael Silvers and Tom Myers<br /><br />Star Trek.<br /><br /><b>Sound Mixing</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson and Tony Johnson<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=The%20Hurt%20Locker&amp;ToDate=20101231">The Hurt Locker</a>," Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Inglourious%20Basterds&amp;ToDate=20101231">Inglourious Basterds</a>," Michael Minkler, Tony Lamberti and Mark Ulano<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Star%20Trek&amp;ToDate=20101231">Star Trek</a>," Anna Behlmer, Andy Nelson and Peter J. Devlin<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Transformers%3A%20Revenge%20of%20the%20Fallen&amp;ToDate=20101231">Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen</a>," Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers and Geoffrey Patterson<br /><br />Avatar.<br /><br /><b>Visual Effects</b><br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Avatar&amp;ToDate=20101231">Avatar</a>," Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=District%209&amp;ToDate=20101231">District 9</a>," Dan Kaufman, Peter Muyzers, Robert Habros and Matt Aitken<br />"<a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/classifieds?category=REVIEWS01&amp;TITLESearch=Star%20Trek&amp;ToDate=20101231">Star Trek</a>," Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh and Burt Dalton <br /><br />Ooh, toughie. Avatar was stunning, so we'll go with that.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1634861547475705258?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-15593835900207763202010-02-05T11:31:00.002-06:002010-02-05T11:32:24.987-06:00Hey everyone, read my new blog that I may or may not lose interest in!<br /><br />www.hilariouslybad.blogspot.com.<br /><br />It's about wacked out comics art I've come across. The maiden post features a woman with swastikas on her boobs. You won't want to miss it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1559383590020776320?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-84152904737062222152010-01-25T21:05:00.004-06:002010-01-27T09:15:22.009-06:00So a few years ago when I was really bored at home, I decided to watch a Disney Channel Original Movie called Minutemen. It's about these three geeks who use a time machine to go back and make things better for other geeks. It is RAMPANT with fallacies, you guys. Like I'm pretty sure they save the world by jumping through a black hole.<br /><br />I'm not going to do a whole recap, but I'm going to point out all the things it gets blatantly INCORRECT. I'm not a math/science person, but even I can figure some of this shit out.<br /><br />So Virgil and this other guy whose name I can't remember are friends starting their first day of high school. Virgil has a crush on his friend's gf. Can't remember her name either. Charlie, a child prodigy of some sort, drives a rocket powered tractor or something onto the football field while the aforementioned Virgil's friend is practicing football. The friend throws a football at Charlie and the football team attacks the little kid, because obviously they're so brave. Virgil sticks up for Charlie, and they both get dressed in cheerleader uniforms and attached to a statue of a goat.<br /><br />Three years later, Charlie and Virgil are BFFs (except Virgil is exasperated/annoyed with Charlie all the time) and the other dude doesn't talk to Virgil. A mysterious bad boy named Zeke shows up. He is important later.<br /><br />I resent the stereotypical depiction of geeks. You know, I also resent how the people making kid shows these days assume kids are morons. Actually, it's probably only Disney. Because 6teen, most superhero cartoons, Ben 10, Martin Mystery, Kim Possible, etc. don't talk down to the viewer. Even Totally Spies and shows like that still have their intelligent moments. That's why I still watch them. But I absolutely cannot STAND most Disney shows because they expect their audience to have absolutely NO intelligence. There's a way to write good kid's shows, but Disney hasn't grasped that concept yet. Back in the "golden age" or whatever of their cartoons (Lion King, Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, etc.) they could still make quality entertainment, but now they seem to have decided to just cater to the lowest denominator.<br /><br />Back to the show. Charlie gets Virgil out of class to show him that he has cracked the secret of time travel. They have to get Zeke for some reason (I don't care enough to figure out why). Zeke throws out some technobabble that I'm going to put down here so we can break it down:<br /><br />"This quantum integration to the physical properties of light projection...looks like it could work." This leads to the best part though. Everyone stares at Zeke and he goes "Yeah. Mongol READ."<br /><br />Anyway, back to the technobabble. Wtf does that mean? Quantum integration? What does that mean? Why do they need light projection for time travel?<br /><br />I'm pretty sure that the best place for a time machine is not in the hands of a delinquent, a socially awkward child prodigy, and some loser obsessed with being cool.<br /><br />Fun fact: the guy who plays the vice principal is "Not Moby" on How I Met Your Mother. He is also remarkably like my former principal, in that they are both dickweeds.<br /><br />Disney is such a whore. Have you noticed? They relentlessly pimp their child stars and they use music from their label in their movies, even if it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SCENE like right now when an Aly and AJ song is playing while they're filching things to build their time machine. I'm sad that they acquired my beloved Marvel.<br /><br />I have doubts that a time machine would look like a giant purple swirling cone.<br /><br />Why is Charlie's cat at the school? It just kind of wanders in and they throw it into the time machine.<br /><br />Okay wait. Wait. They throw the cat in, and then it falls back out. And for some reason Charlie's and Virgil's watches are one minute apart, proving that it went forward in time a minute? But would the cat have fallen out of the machine automatically? Because that doesn't happen to the boys later. And why are their watches different when the watch didn't go back in time?<br /><br />Virgil is STILL hung up about getting beaten up by some jocks THREE YEARS AGO. Get OVER it.<br /><br />Fact: time machines are basically purple tornadoes.<br /><br />Wait wait wait wait. They went back in time a day and were flung out of the time machine. But it wasn't built yesterday I don't think. SO HOW IS IT THERE?<br /><br />They go back in time to get a lottery ticket. They can't buy one because they're not eighteen, so they pay some robot mime (yes. a ROBOT MIME) to buy the ticket and then leave because they can only be back in time for ten minutes. DO YOU TRUST A FUCKING ROBOT MIME TO GIVE A WINNING LOTTERY TICKET TO YOU? How stupid are you? Of course he's going to take the money for himself, which he does.<br /><br />So then they decide to go back in time to help geeks.<br /><br />The Asian chick thinks they started a Back to the Future Fan Club and wants to join. They want to get her to hang back to watch the time machine while the three of them go back in time. (Also, her name is Jeannette).<br /><br />Jeannette's all "we so have to do something about those outfits" HAHAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ALL GIRLS CARE ABOUT IS CLOTHING.<br /><br />So this black dude had his clothes stolen while he was in the shower and the Minutemen get him some new clothes, thus creating a time paradox. They went back in time to give him new clothes, so thus he never had a problem, thus not needing to be saved. That's a time loop right there.<br /><br />Hahaha the nurse at the school is named Nurse Ratched. I sincerely enjoyed that.<br /><br />So this bitch plays a trick on a geek to make him trip. They go back in time to save him. So he never fell, thus he doesn't need to be saved. TIME PARADOX.<br /><br />There's a really lame song on the show right now that reminds me of Powerline's songs from a Goofy Movie. If we listen to each other's heart, We'll find we'll never cheat and fall apart, And maybe love is the reason why, For the first time ever we're seeing it, I 2 I!<br /><br />Sorry.<br /><br />So anyway, all the geeks that were saved are now all high and mighty and thinking that they're better than everyone else. Somehow...I don't think that's what would happen. And I've never seen a movie in which the geeks were assholes too.<br /><br />Turns out Charlie stole stuff from NASA. That could be bad. Zeke warns them that if they go to prison and share a cell that he snores. Somehow, I think that is the least of their worries. Somebody should tell them not to drop the soap.<br /><br />Whatsherface needs some kind of cheerleading scholarship to go to college but she breaks her leg before a scout comes to see her.<br /><br />Hey the robot mime is here for some reason? And the vice principal is determined to catch the snowsuit guys.<br /><br />Virgil saves whatsherface and then OF COURSE she falls in love with him because any girl who gets saved by a guy has to INSTANTLY FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM, DONTCHAKNOW?<br /><br />Chester (the black geek) is doing his best Urkel. Now he and his friends are bullying jocks and the vice principal is all mad because he's classist.<br /><br />The blonde chick (can't remember her name) knows that Virgil is the snowsuit guy. Oh, her name is Stephanie btw. Stephanie instantly believes Virgil when he tells her he has a time machine. I would be a little more skeptical.<br /><br />TOOOOOOOOOTALLY just thought Jeannette called herself slutty. She said something like, "sputty", a cross between spunky and nutty. THE SIMILARITY CANNOT BE COINCIDENTAL. Can it be that Disney is being sneakily hilarious?<br /><br />Everyone looks so goddamn CRESTFALLEN when the football team loses. Like they just watched their dog get vivisected by Dracula.<br /><br />Wtf, Stephanie told her toolish BF about the time travel? Ohhh, because she wants Virgil to go back in time and help them win the football game. REALLY? REALLY? YOU CAN TRAVEL BACK IN TIME AND YOU USE IT TO WIN A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME? OKAY, YES, THIS MOVIE IS FOR KIDS BUT COME ON.<br /><br />Can these people just step on a butterfly already?<br /><br />Okay, after multiple trips back in time, Charlie is just now thinking that it may be damaging something big. I'm a dumbass and even I thought of that possibility already.<br /><br />Why are they using a springboard to jump into the tornado? I think they can just climb in.<br /><br />I think this movie is a whole lot longer than it needs to be.<br /><br />Wait wait wait wait. They went back in time and made it so they win the football game. But if they won, there's no need to go back in time and make them win. And Derek definitely wouldn't remember that Virgil is a Minuteman because since he won the game there was no need to be told that Virgil could go back in time. Look, even a rudimentary (VERY rudimentary) knowledge of physics and shit such as I have is needed to make this semi plausible. It seems like these people didn't study up on it AT ALL and thinking about it, they probably didn't.<br /><br />Virgil and Stephanie are at a lame party. If it's quiet enough to hear someone speak, it's not a good party. Plus it's way too light.<br /><br />OMG VIRGIL IS DANCING LIKE A TOOL. I can't dance and even I am better than that (I think).<br /><br />Stephanie caught Derek cheating on her, like that's any surprise.<br /><br />So this has been stupid so far. But now it's about to get stupider. Because a black hole is sucking in things. It would be sucking in A LOT MORE than a hole the size of the one Paul holds up at the end of Yellow Submarine. A black hole is so strong it sucks in LIGHT. It would be doing way more damage.<br /><br />Yes, there is suspension of disbelief. But is that worth teaching children erroneous things about black holes? I think not.<br /><br />Virgil claims that if the FBI isn't going to charge them, they can't keep them there. I'm not sure that's altogether correct. If there's reasonable suspicion, can't they keep them for questioning?<br /><br />Charlie and Zeke are mad because Virgil is trying to be popular.<br /><br />I wonder if these Disney kids get embarrassed that they're in such crap.<br /><br />Jeannette is stalking Charlie.<br /><br />The fluctuations in the space/time continuum have bonded together to make a black hole. Is...that how science works? Because this sounds suspiciously like that whole Ben 10 episode where Grandpa Max told Ben to make a bigger fire because it and the smaller fire would snuff each other out, which is really not how fire works.<br /><br />So Virgil and Stephanie are at some 50s themed dance which I think is an homage to Back to the Future, which I find charming. I enjoy references to things that not everyone would get, like in Ben 10 when the grizzled fisherman was named Captain Shaw.<br /><br />Wow, that's two Ben 10 refs in two paragraphs.<br /><br />I honestly can't believe I'm watching this movie more than once.<br /><br />They used the word "fracas." I LOVE that word. FRACAS.<br /><br />Fact: black holes cause thunder and lightning.<br /><br />So, they have to go into the black hole to close it and they will come out on the other side. Um...how is this FUCKING WRONG, let me count the ways.<br /><br />Would people actually be going nuts over the Minutemen? I don't think I would be fawning over them or hugging guys I don't know or anything.<br /><br />Is no one going to talk about the fact that they caused the black hole? And is no one ALSO going to stop three minors from risking their lives? Why isn't the FBI or CIA or military trying to take over this rescue operation? Where are these boys' families? Why am I watching this fucking show?<br /><br />THIS IS NOT HOW BLACK HOLES WORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT ISN'T EVEN CLOSE.<br /><br />So they just jump in and it fixes things?<br /><br />They land in a park where kids are playing:<br />"Whoa. I think we landed in Munchkinland."<br />"What up, Munchkins?"<br /><br />Sometimes, Disney surprises me and is funny.<br /><br />They went back in time to the day that Charlie and Virgil get beaten up by bullies. Virgil is going to prevent it, somehow not even thinking that then he won't be friends with Charlie, they won't build the time machine together, and then they can't go back in time and prevent the thing they are preventing blah blah time loop blah.<br /><br />So how are they getting back to 2008?<br /><br />Also, turns out that Derek never tried to save Virgil, which is a big surprise to NONE OF THE VIEWERS.<br /><br />VIRGIL IS STANDING AROUND MAKING FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES WHEN THEY HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE BLACK HOLE SO THEY CAN GO BACK TO FUTURE STOP TALKING AND RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN<br /><br />So they get back to the future. The black hole closes up for some reason. Also for some reason, everyone forgets that the black hole ever happened. Virgil calls Derek out for cheating with Jocelyn and then makes his move with Stephanie. HOLY CRAP CHARLIE KISSES JEANNETTE ON THE LIPS. He's like 12. Virgil confesses his love to Stephanie.<br /><br />Aaaand that's the end. Except the black hole never happened, they never went back in time to see what Derek did. Also they never time travelled so NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-8415290473706222215?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-45883213989202175992010-01-16T12:08:00.003-06:002010-01-17T09:55:34.532-06:00Certain events have led me to believe that a (friendly?) ghost is following me around for some reason. I'm guessing it started roughly a year ago. It used to live with me in my room at Mohyla, but it appears to have followed me all the way to Toronto, and that is dedication. Here is a (more or less) chronological list of the strange events that I've attributed to my poltergeist.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mohyla- Saskatoon, SK</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Shower Incident</span><br />In the showers at Mohyla, they have little baskets hanging from a nail on the wall where you put your shampoo and stuff. I was just chillin', washing my hair when out of nowhere the basket fell onto the ground. It's completely possible that I accidentally hit it, but I'm fairly sure I didn't touch it. This is a little creepy because it means I have a ghost that is committing peeping tomery.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Computer Incident<br /></span>I was checking my email when all of a sudden I heard something that sounded like a faint woman's voice from the radio. It was crackling and stuff, like it was a bad station. I own a clock radio, but I never turn it on. I fumbled a bit with my radio before I realized it wasn't on. I rapidly checked all my tabs in case some internet ad was making noise, but there was nothing. I think it stopped by itself. I think I had EVP coming from my computer.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Computer Incident Part Deux<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span> I was listening to music when at the end of the song it just stopped. I checked my computer, but it still said it was playing, there was just no noise. Then I accidentally nudged my computer with my foot and the music started playing again.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span><br /><br />Pitman- Toronto, ON<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My Weird Feeling<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span>You know how if you put your feet over the edge of your bed you get this uneasy feeling, like something from under the bed is going to grab your feet? When I'm on my computer I always put my feet over the edge and it's fine, except lately, I get that weird feeling like something's going to grab my feet, only my bed doesn't have an under to it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Swinging Hanger<br /></span>This is the weirdest incident. I was on my bed watching TV when I looked up. One of my hangers was swinging really widely back and forth by itself. There were two possible explanations. One, the wind from my open window could have made it swing. But there wasn't that much wind and the hanger was swinging way too much. It looked like someone had started it swinging. Two, someone was inexplicably playing drums or something and possibly the vibrations caused it to swing, but again, it was swinging way too widely for that. It was weird.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Falling Brush<br /></span>Yesterday my brush was on my floor. It had fallen without me noticing. I put it back on my desk and went to bed. This morning, it was on the floor AGAIN. I don't remember it falling. I would have heard it if it had.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Dream<br /></span>This isn't ghosty in and of itself, but coming on the heels of everything else, it still kind of freaks me out. On Friday I napped and then I had a dream. I dreamed that I was lying in my bed, napping. I thought I was awake because I was dreaming that I was doing the exact thing I was doing when I was awake. In my dream I was sleeping on my stomach (which was the exact position I woke up in, making it WEIRDER) and someone came into my room. I sleep with my door locked so I didn't know who it was or how they got in. I thought it might be my mom so I pretended to be asleep like I usually do if I'm too tired to talk. Then I remembered I was in Toronto and she was in Sask. The person came slowly into my room and tucked my sheets into the bottom of my mattress. Then the person came over to the side of my bed and I could sense they were looking down at me. They put an arm on each side of me like my mom does sometimes if she's leaning down to kiss me goodnight or whatever. Then they just stayed there. I was scared so I went to turn over to see who it was and turning over in my dream woke me up in real life.<br /><br />So I have all the facts here for your consideration. Poltergeist? Friendly ghost? My imagination? I suppose we'll never know.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-4588321398920217599?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-65815672344950650672010-01-12T09:29:00.002-06:002010-01-12T10:23:11.386-06:00Wow. So, I had these really weird dreams last night, possibly because I consumed a LOT of wine and cheese at our wine and cheese party yesterday. So here was my first dream:<br /><br />For some reason my dog had really bad worms and they were coming out of him and crawling on me. Some looked like the worm from the first season X-Files episode "Ice" and the rest were brown and gross. My mom had to keep pulling them off me and I was freaking out because I hate creepy crawlies. I had two more on my legs and I wanted mom to get them off me but she wouldn't because apparently I had a rattler (like just the rattle part, which I guess was from the worm?) stuck to me, and if mom removed the worms, I would be poisoned. In my panicked state, I didn't care and started batting at the rattler to get it off, and then I was poisoned. I started falling but mom and someone else who was there (possibly Lindsay, possibly Katherine) didn't think it was serious and put me to bed. So I woke up in the middle of the night with a swollen mouth and throat and I could hardly breathe. I got my mom to drive me to the hospital but she really was not rushing as much as I would like. We encountered a few obstacles during our drive, namely an Airport Express bus that overturned in our yard but righted itself, and a bulldozer. We finally got to the hospital and then mom was being SO MADDENING. We arrived at the hospital, which was like the Palisades, just as everyone was having lunch and mom wanted me to wait until the speeches were done to get medical attention. I was like, "I can't breathe" except I couldn't speak and she's like, "WHAT? WHAT?" So I had to tell her again. I didn't want to wait and I rushed off to find a nurse. We had our choice of nurses, either from Australia or the US. Mom wanted the US but I chose Australia. This nurse was like, "Oh yeah, I saw this all the time back home" and took out something that resembled a dust buster/hair dryer and stuck it in my mouth. When she turned it on the blast of hot air popped my swollen mouth like a balloon and I could breathe again, but then I was spitting out a lot of blood. Then the nurse was like, "Okay, you can go home now" and I was like, "So...you're not going to give me any antivenom or anything?" and she's like, "Nope, you're fine." I was a little dubious but I went home.<br /><br />My second dream was hardcore. I don't remember much of it except I was Deadpool. Deadpool was not just in my dream, I WAS him. I was fighting some evil dude who resembled Steve Buscemi. I just remember we got into a knife fight and I kept throwing knives at him but he WOULD NOT DIE. He threw knives at me but I used a table as a shield. Finally I killed him. OR SO I THOUGHT. I ran outside to find him and this other chick planning to kill me. They were going to kill me and then scuba dive down in this shark cage for some reason. Nice escape, guys. Anyway, I decided to foil them and go into the shark cage WITHOUT AN OXYGEN TANK. That's because I was Deadpool and he does stupid things that work out. So anyway, I shimmied into a small opening into this shark cage and Steve Buscemi was getting really mad and I think he was shooting at me but I was rapidly sinking. I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I should have brought an oxygen tank" but there was no turning back. Then I thought maybe being in the shark cage wasn't the best idea so I got out and decided to just swim as far as I could out to sea to escape. And that's where my dream ended. It's like a cliffhanger. Did I/Deadpool escape from the evil, evil Steve Buscemi? Did I/Deadpool drown? Did I/Deadpool get picked up by the Coast Guard? Who knows? It was pretty much like a Deadpool movie written by the Coen brothers. Which reminds me...SHOULDN'T THOSE TWO WRITE THE DEADPOOL MOVIE, Y/Y?<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6581567234495065067?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-59197587919895320972010-01-09T09:58:00.002-06:002010-01-09T10:06:48.217-06:00This is something I did a few weeks ago while I was at home but couldn't put on my blog because of our lovely dial-up.<br /><br /> I’m watching THE BEST SHOW EVER. No, it’s not Pussycat Dolls Present, it’s a TLC show called BBQ PITMASTERS. This show requires COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CAPS because it’s AN EXTREME SHOW.<br /> So basically, a bunch of people are at this barbecue competition. You would think it would be a boring show but it’s totally not. It has quotes like this:<br /> "Treachery and thieves, I can’t stand!"<br /> That’s Myron, this cocky old dude who thinks he’s the best guy in BBQ. He’s a 9 time world champion. This shit’s extreme, yo. One guy has won a cumulative total of 567K over the his career. That’s HALF A MILLION DOLLARS from cooking PIGS. <br /> Here are my texts to my friend showing my disbelief and then glee:<br /> 6:04 PM: I’m watching some show about people competing to barbecue shit. I love that I live in a world where this exists.<br /> 6:04 PM: This guy is bragging about his barbecue skills. It’s hilarious.<br /> 6:04 PM: He’s so fucking serious about barbecuing.<br /> 6:06 PM: This guy has won a total of 567 000 dollars barbecuing. I think we should start barbecuing and get money.<br /> 6:07 PM: This chick has a barbecue recipe in a vault. Only three people have seen it. Crazy shit.<br /> 6:07 PM: This is the best show ever.<br /> This is serious business. There was a fight. One of the participants was like 70 years old and the other was like a 30 year old punk so it was kind of a lame fight but there was definitely physical contact.<br /> There’s a chick whose family has a secret recipe for seasoning or something. It’s locked in a vault and other than her father (who invented it) only she and her sister have ever seen it. It’s IN A VAULT. I think the security of these barbecue people is only rivalled by the KFC seasoning recipe. This is serious business. <br /> Myron is my least favourite because he’s so cocky. I hope he loses.<br /> The commentary on this show is as intense as like, commentary on a doctor show. These people don’t smile. They don’t joke. This is life or death.<br /> It’s not just about the cooking. It’s about the cooks’ personalities. They have a face to face presentation for the judges where, according to the voiceover commentary, they have to “wow the judges with their personalities.” Myron was in full schmooze mode, oozing slime which, unfortunately, the judge loved.<br /> I hate Myron.<br /> I’m cheering for Lee Ann. She’s a first time hog cooker and, according to Myron, one of the few female BBQers that people respect. Also according to Myron, barbecuing is "a man’s game."<br /> I hate Myron.<br /> Lee Ann is very nervous, which could be detrimental to her success here, although the judge really liked her hog. Barbecue is Lee Ann’s life. I wonder what it’s like to be so obsessed with something so random. I mean, okay, I’m obsessed with Deadpool comics but I know people who like them. I don’t know anybody who I could describe as obsessed with barbecue.<br /> Myron’s still being a jackass. I hope he loses. I don’t think Lee Ann will win, just because she’s been so nervous. I’m hoping for a dark horse victory from the Asian. He seems so out of place. Everyone’s from the South with these redneck accents, and then there’s him.<br /> Lee Ann came in fifth WOO HOO. Myron came in 10th. The Asian came in 19th and the other old guy came in like 17th overall or something.<br /> Myron is still grand champion though. I’m not quite sure how this point system works.<br /><br /> Here’s another episode of BBQ Pitmasters, featuring our old friends Myron and Lee Ann.<br /> The cash prizes at these things are INSANE. This episode’s is 19K and last episode’s was 17K. <br /> The judges at these things are "certified barbecue experts." How does one become a barbecue expert? It’s the same thing I wonder whenever I watch Deadliest Warrior. Like, how does one become a Spartan expert or whatever? Do you study at school? Are there particular things you need to know?<br /> Tuffy is a "barbecue nerd" who was trained in French cuisine but has studied barbecue for the past five years. I can’t get over how serious some of these people are. In his talking head segments, Tuffy is absolutely serious, leaning forward in his chair as he tells the audience about his barbecue.<br /> Myron is back. What must it be like to have your whole life, practically, revolve around barbecue? I just can’t fathom this.<br /> Paul Peterson is the "Johnny Cash of cooking." He’s new to barbecue and from the way he’s talking, he doesn’t think he’s that good. So why is he barbecuing in contests? I respect that he’s still out there trying, but maybe he should practice up his barbecuing before competing? And his need to barbecue is so intense that it’s actually taking a toll on his family. BARBECUING is taking a toll ON HIS FAMILY LIFE. BARBECUING. This is redonk.<br /> All this meat is making me hungry.<br /> Johnny Trigg, the barbecue king, is back. <br /> HOLY SHIT Myron has THE CRAZIEST FUCKING SHIRT EVER. It has like, barbecue paraphernalia on it. Like barbecue sauce and slabs of meat. WTF.<br /> I wonder what these peoples’ cholesterol levels are like.<br /> I think I spy the Asian. I’m still hoping for a dark horse victory, but he hasn’t been featured yet so I’m going to bet that he’s not going to win today. All that matters is that he’s the winner of my heart.<br /> Lee Ann is unhappy because they’re cutting power for half an hour to her trailer which puts her behind.<br /> Myron and Paul have both hit on the brainwave of using a muffin tin to cook their chicken and Myron freaked out because he thought Paul stole his idea. I thought it was just a coincidence that Paul used the muffin tin but no, he outright admitted he stole it. This is intense.<br /> Paul’s assistant has to run to get the chicken in on time. He had like 30 seconds and he wasn’t running. I actually yelled at my TV. Paul’s assistant was 16 seconds late and they wouldn’t let him turn in the chicken. Seriously? I wouldn’t have the heart to turn him away. I would be like, "16 seconds? Fuck it, I won’t tell anyone if you won’t tell anyone."<br /> The meat is judged on appearance, taste, and tenderness. Each category gets a score out of 9. Why not go all the way and score them out of 10? Why 9?<br /> Trigg has won 2 world championships, Myron 3. So why is Trigg the one that everyone respects? Maybe because he’s not as much of a jackass as Myron is.<br /> So Tuffy is doing something new, which is a no-no in barbecuing. Lee Ann’s brisket turned out really well, despite the whole power kerfluffle. <br /> Now they’re giving out the prizes. No one featured in the show won. Myron came 6th. Tuffy got 7th and had the best brisket. Trigg came in 9th and first in ribs. Lee Ann came in 10th and had 6th in brisket. Paul came in last and it looks pretty devastating for him. Ha ha ha ha ha I didn’t like him that much.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5919758791989532097?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-58302863930761947102010-01-07T14:55:00.002-06:002010-01-07T20:00:41.549-06:00I've read all of Deadpool's first solo run, a few issues each from the new Deadpool run and Deadpool: Merc With a Mouth, and all of Cable and Deadpool. Each of his writers have a (sometimes drastically) different take on a very complex character. I'm going to talk about each of them (too bad I haven't read anything by Liefeld...I would have liked to talk about him). But first, this is a comment on a site I was reading about the top 70 Deadpool moments:<br /><br />"I notice that Rhino is in love with Dazzler and her music. Him and Juggernaut. That love triangle is a Valentines Day comic in the making."<br /><br />THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN.<br /><br />Anyway, here we go.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Joe Kelly</span><br /><br />Joe Kelly set the standard for Deadpool. While Liefeld and Nicieza created him, he didn't really <span style="font-style: italic;">become</span> Deadpool until Kelly started writing Deadpool's solo run. While I wouldn't call Kelly's writing flawless, it was still fantastic. The quips and most of the plotlines were solid gold. Nobody else but Kelly could come up with: Deadpool beating Tasky by dancing, Deathtrap and his giant teddy bear, Deadpool saving the world by kicking Cap in the nuts, a skinless cripple pretending to be a zombie, Deadpool dying with laughter at Talon's costume, Deadpool going back in time and having to deal with Spiderman's supporting cast from the 60s, etc. Kelly's run on Deadpool was the most emotionally wrenching. Joe Kelly tended to set Deadpool on the path to redemption and then pull the rug out from under him, which I'm not quite sure I liked that much. Deadpool becomes a hero by accepting his role as the Mithras...and then learns he has to be a murderer, as usual. Deadpool decides to become a good guy and decides to be with Siryn...and it's actually Typhoid Mary being a bitch and pretending to be Siryn. Deadpool is starting to be good...and then freaks out because Al and Weasel have been bonding. It was like watching Sisyphus. His run went from one end of the spectrum to the other: at times it was gloriously silly and funny, and then it would be like watching a puppy get kicked. I'm not sure if I liked or disliked this tendency. <br /><br />Kelly also created some of the best supporting characters. Weasel is a loser slacker type who for some reason is Deadpool's best friend. Weasel is as much of a smartass as Deadpool sometimes but isn't as morally corrupt as Deadpool (which, trust me, isn't saying much). Blind Al was the blind old lady who was Deadpool's prisoner, but she could go toe to toe with him and sometimes win. She was sardonic and sarcastic, a motherly figure for Deadpool and someone who would bring him down to earth (like in the heartbreaking sequence where she is overly submissive and Deadpool is sad because he just wants her to forgive him). I can't remember who got rid of her (Kelly?) but it was really abrupt and nothing about her was explained. She had a cameo in Cable/Deadpool, but it was a panel long and disappointing. Blind Al also used to sleep with Captain America, so that's cool.<br /><br />Kelly also created some of the most annoying villains in Deadpool: T-Ray and Typhoid Mary. Yes, the point of villains is that you hate them. But there are villains that are fun to watch (Apocalypse, Magneto, Joker, Doc Ock, Venom, etc.) and then there are some who are just SO MEAN that I can't stand to read about them. This is just a personal preference, but I HATED T-Ray and Typhoid Mary. They were well done villains and they weren't ANNOYING, they were just so evil.<br /><br />The one thing that bothered me a lot about Kelly's run was Deadpool's self-hatred. He seemed to blame other people for letting him down and his upbringing for the person he turned into. He knows he's a killer, so he thinks he'll never be anything else. WELL, WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT? He's the worst friend ever, and by rights he shouldn't HAVE any friends. He's lucky Weasel, Blind Al, and Siryn even hang out with him (well, Al doesn't really have a choice). He could stop killing and he could stop being a mercenary, but he won't. I hated the way he blamed everyone else for the way he was.<br /><br />Anyway, that sounds like a lot of complaints, but I really loved Kelly's run.<br /><br />Then Kelly left and we got...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Christopher Priest<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>I really disliked Priest's run, but whether it's because it was as bad as I remember or because it wasn't as good as Kelly's is a mystery. I'll probably have to go back and read it again. Priest can write a passable Deadpool, but what he can't write is plot. This could just be because I'm dumb sometimes, but I read about the first five issues of his run thinking they were a flashback because they didn't tie in AT ALL with what came previously. The first bit of his run involved Deadpool somehow falling apart so that he would turn into goo if he left this weird chamber thing and then he's suddenly Loki's son, except he's not, and then he gets a Mjolnir that gives him powers, except it's fake so it shouldn't have given him powers in the first place. The things Priest writes should be funny, but they're not. Deadpool flying around and talking in a fake Ye Olde English accent should be funny, but it was merely confusing. Deadpool renting an apartment with two other B-list villains should be funny, except...it wasn't, AND HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP? I also remember way too many issues being taken up with a confusing adventure in space involving a double cross by Tasky and some Deadpool interns, AND HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP? And someone named Wolff or something and I didn't know his purpose. There were just so many things that didn't make sense, even though Deadpool himself was pretty well written. I'll have to go back and read it when I'm not thinking that it's a flashback. Plus I'm pretty sure Weasel and Al didn't show up at all.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jimmy Palmiotti</span><br /><br />Palmiotti had the opposite problem from Priest: he could write plot, he just couldn't write Deadpool. His Deadpool was humourless; pure antihero. I could have dealt with that. I like my Deadpool funny, but after Priest all I wanted was a Deadpool with a coherent plot. But Deadpool just kept doing things that were so out of character. He fell in love with a tattoo artist after knowing her for like a day. He took a kid under his wing, and while everyone seems to LOVE Kid Deadpool, I only found him passable. I did like that finally there was a sidekick who really hated his boss. There were also these twin schoolgirls who were trying to kill Deadpool for some reason. If Simone had control of the comic, that could have turned into something much better. With Palmiotti, we had the heartbreaking page where one twin had to kill the other. I don't know, there's not much else to say about Palmiotti except that while I was glad I could understand the plotlines, Deadpool was too OOC and the comic was too realistic. I mean, just a few issues previously Deadpool was hanging out in space. It was like Frank Miller took over Deadpool, only with fewer whores. Plus I think it was Palmiotti's run where a dog got thrown through a windshield, and that was just unnecessary.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Buddy Scalera<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>He only did one or two comics by himself, but I remember them being pretty okay. Except he did the issue where Siryn comes back and it was all over the cover and I thought it was going to be AWESOME except Copycat just beats her up and then Siryn yells at Deadpool and leaves. I'm pretty sure she's in the issue for about five panels. All in all though, I remember quite liking Scalera, especially after Palmiotti.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Frank Tieri<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>I guess it's pretty telling that I recalled nothing from Tieri's run. I had to look over the comics to remember stuff. He knows how to write Deadpool; in Tieri's run, he's wacky and spouts off pop culture references. Plotlines were decent. Every Deadpool writer needs a rape the dog moment, and Tieri's was when Kane killed a little boy who had lost control of his powers. I wish I could find a picture that looks like my facial expression. My mouth hung open for about two minutes in stupefaction and horror. Anyway, I can't remember anything about Tieri really, except he's better than both Priest and Palmiotti. Moving on.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gail Simone<br /><br /></span>Okay, I love Gail Simone and since she's usually accompanied by my favourite artists (that would be Studio Udon)<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span> </span>there is never anything wrong with her run on comics. She's funny, but the funny and the serious is balanced very nicely, and she is also very adept at writing secondary characters. She didn't bring back Weasel for her run, but she created Sandi, Outlaw, and a new version of Tasky, all of them very well done characters. While Kelly's Deadpool leaned more towards the bad side, Simone's was always solidly a good character, even if he was still an antihero. He got revenge on Sandi's boyfriend because he was beating her and he made Swan make Ratbag better, even at the expense of his own life. The plotlines were solid, including the Swan thing and the issue where he had to protect Dazzler and Rhino was starry eyed with love was fantastic. This is about Deadpool, so I won't go deep into Agent X, except her run on it was stellar. I also quite like her take on female characters. Comics are traditionally male wish fulfillment. Simone's females are definitely always skimpily dressed, but Outlaw makes it no secret that she wears a wig and has implants. Sandi is the traditional damsel in distress, but she is also a real person, not just a prop. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fabian Nicieza<br /><br /></span>Fabian Nicieza originally created Deadpool with Rob Liefeld and I'm pretty sure he's written other stuff but the only thing I've read is Cable and Deadpool. Cable is a difficult character to write: he's somewhat of a Sue and in Cable/Deadpool he has a Messiah complex and a driving need to make the world a better place. Frankly, he's boring. Nicieza would very rarely make Cable joke, and each time it was perfect. I remember one time in particular when Cable and Deadpool had a tender moment and then Cable goes "Your fly's undone." When Deadpool looks, Cable's like, "Made you look." Because it is so unexpected, it adds depth to Cable's character. Sometimes Cable got annoying, but I think it was inevitable, and not solely a result of Nicieza's writing. Is it bad that Cable/Deadpool got way better after Cable died? This could also be because it was around Cable died that the best thing in Cable and Deadpool showed up...Bob, Agent of HYDRA!<br /><br />Who doesn't love this guy? You can't not love him. Bob's training to be a henchman with HYDRA (for the health plan), and his training mostly consists of how to run away from stuff. He also instinctively yells out stuff like, "HAIL HYDRA!" and "CUT OFF ONE LIMB AND WE GROW THREE MORE!" Deadpool keeps him around as a pet and Bob loves Deadpool. He's like a little dog. <br /><br />Nicieza also brought Weasel back. At one point Weasel gets kidnapped by HYDRA but plans his escape by creating teleporting technology and calls himself the Penetrator, leading to some immature but hilarious jokes.<br /><br />The one thing that I and a lot of other people dislike about Nicieza's run is how he butchered Outlaw. This is a chick who is an expert markswoman and is stronger than normal. And what does she do in Cable and Deadpool? Nothing. And then she and Sandi get kidnapped by T-Ray and she does more nothing. She doesn't even try to fight back. SHE IS SO AWESOME WHY ISN'T SHE BEING PUT TO USE????? And Nicieza made Agent X get fat and then he did nothing except help fight the dinos near the end.<br /><br />The end of Cable and Deadpool's run is pure gold. Deadpool accidentally teleports dinosaurs from the Savage Land into Manhattan and if this wasn't awesome enough, they get infected with the same symbiote that makes up Carnage. So you have CARNAGE DINOSAURS. IT IS SO AWESOME MY MIND CANNOT COMPUTE. Then Deadpool, Bob, the Avengers, Spiderman, and the Fantastic Four fight dinosaurs. It's amazing. And then in the very end, Deadpool finally becomes a hero and the last page is him and his friends (Irene Merryweather, Agency X, Bob, and Weasel) watching TV, which is playing the theme of Golden Girls. Which is, let me remind you, "Thank you for being a friend." <br /><br />Awesome. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Daniel Way<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>I haven't read much of Way's work. He knows how to write Deadpool, and he knows how to write stories. He's pretty good. A point of contention among the Deadpool fandom is Deadpool's text boxes.<br /><br />Deadpool knows his text boxes exist and he sometimes talks to them. In Way's run on the new Deadpool, we don't just have the one set of textboxes. We have some white textboxes, and the white textboxes talk to the yellow textboxes. That's not how it's supposed to work. Deadpool is aware of his textboxes, which shows he's crazy and it's funny. The textboxes, as far as I know, aren't aware of anything and don't talk back. Way writes self aware and sentient text boxes, and that's weird. <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5830286393076194710?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-42796933751647915002010-01-06T15:25:00.005-06:002010-01-06T17:01:26.678-06:00So last year I attempted something I failed in 2008, which was to keep a list of books I read that year. The list is incomplete, as I lost the files on my hard drive not once, but TWICE last summer. Most of the list is cobbled from memory, but it's fairly complete. Here's a breakdown of what I read:<br /><br />Total Books Read:<br />59<br /><br />Books I Read For The Blog:<br />Twilight- Stephenie Meyer<br />The Host- Stephenie Meyer<br />Breaking Dawn- Stephenie Meyer<br />Left Behind- Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins<br /><br />Books I Read For School:<br />The Stone Diaries- Carol Shields<br />Crackpot- Adele Wiseman<br />The Kite Runner- Khaled Hosseini<br />Their Eyes Were Watching God- Zora Neal Hurston<br />The Lives of Girls and Women- Alice Munro<br />Yo!- Julia Alvarez<br /><br />Children's Books That I Probably Shouldn't Count But I Will:<br />Wayside School is Falling Down- Louis Sachar<br />The Celery Stalks at Midnight- James Howe<br />My Teacher Fried My Brains- Bruce Coville<br /><br />Author I Read The Most:<br />Chuck Klosterman, with 7 books on the list.<br />Dean Koontz is second, with 5 books.<br />Douglas Coupland and CS Lewis are third, with 4 books.<br /><br />Book I Read The Most:<br />There were a bunch I read twice:<br /><br />Can You Keep a Secret?- Sophie Kinsella<br />Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman<br />Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story- Chuck Klosterman<br />Chuck Klosterman IV- Chuck Klosterman<br />The Undomestic Goddess- Sophie Kinsella<br />The Eight- Katherine Neville<br />Remember Me- Sophie Kinsella<br /><br />Book Series I Read The Most:<br />Chronicles of Narnia, with 4 books.<br /><br />Best Book:<br />Life Expectancy, Sphere, Chuck Klosterman IV, Prey, The Devil Wears Prada<br /><br />Worst Book (excluding blog books)<br />She Went All The Way, Crackpot, Stone Diaries, Lives of Girls and Women, Their Eyes Were Watching God<br /><br />Complete List:<br />1. The Kite Runner- Khaled Hosseini<br />2. Their Eyes Were Watching God- Zora Neal Hurston<br />3. The Devil Wears Prada- Lauren Weisberger<br />4. Everyone Worth Knowing- Lauren Weisberger<br />5. Chasing Harry Winston- Lauren Weisberger<br />6. Can You Keep a Secret?- Sophie Kinsella<br />7. Can You Keep a Secret?- Sophie Kinsella<br />8. Remember Me?- Sophie Kinsella<br />9. Odd Hours- Dean Koontz<br />10. Your Heart Belongs To Me- Dean Koontz<br />11. Lucifer’s Hammer- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle<br />12. Eleanor Rigby- Douglas Coupland<br />13. All Families Are Psychotic- Douglas Coupland<br />14. Turn Coat- Jim Butcher<br />15. Prey- Michael Crichton<br />16. The Eight- Catherine Neville<br />17. Sphere- Michael Crichton<br />18. Good Omens- Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett<br />19. Grave Peril- Jim Butcher<br />20. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman<br />21. Undomestic Goddess- Sophie Kinsella<br />22. Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden<br />23. Everworld Book 1- KA Applegate<br />24. Everworld Book 2- KA Applegate<br />25. Everworld Book 3- KA Applegate<br />26. Brother Odd- Dean Koontz<br />27. Twilight- Stephenie Meyer<br />28. The Host- Stephenie Meyer<br />29. Breaking Dawn- Stephenie Meyer<br />30. Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story- Chuck Klosterman<br />31. Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story- Chuck Klosterman<br />32. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman<br />33. Chuck Klosterman IV- Chuck Klosterman<br />34. Sphere- Michael Crichton<br />35. How Not To Write a Novel-<br />36. Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden<br />37. Summer Knight- Jim Butcher<br />38. She Went All The Way- Meg Cabot<br />39. Slacker Girl- Alexandra Koslow<br />40. Microserfs- Douglas Coupland<br />41. The Lives of Girls and Women- Alice Munro<br />42. Chuck Klosterman IV- Chuck Klosterman<br />43. Downtown Owl- Chuck Klosterman<br />44. Yo!- Julia Alvarez<br />45. All Families Are Psychotic- Douglas Coupland<br />46. Left Behind- Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins<br />47. The Stone Diaries- Carol Shields<br />48. Crackpot- Adele Wiseman<br />49. The Undomestic Goddess- Sophie Kinsella<br />50. The Eight- Katherine Neville<br />51. Life Expectancy- Dean Koontz<br />52. The Magician’s Nephew- CS Lewis<br />53. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe- CS Lewis<br />54. Wayside School is Falling Down- Louis Sachar<br />55. The Celery Stalks at Midnight- James Howe<br />56. A Horse and His Boy- CS Lewis<br />57. The Silver Chair- CS Lewis<br />58. Breathless- Dean Koontz<br />59. My Teacher Fried My Brains- Bruce Coville<br /><br />You don't even know how mad I am that I didn't get a round number.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-4279693375164791500?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-78407052229097738442009-11-24T17:00:00.002-06:002009-11-24T17:04:21.565-06:00Here is the second installment of my lovely NaNo. In this chapter Paige plays laser tag and meets Arrington's gymnastic champion (whose inclusion I regret, but she's needed), and Wellesley is mean for no reason.<br /><br />Chapter 2<br /><br />So, what do you think is up with all these costume critters poppin’ up all over the place? Dan here thinks it’s a fad. Like what did you say? Like break dancing.<br />-Mr. Big, Ultimate Spiderman Issue #10 <br /><br /> It was after dark the next evening that I finally got some form of communication about my interview. It came in the form of a text message. <br /> <span style="font-style: italic;">There’s a limo waiting outside. Be inside it within the next two minutes.</span><br /> Well, that wasn’t sketchy at all. Not one to blindly follow shady orders, I texted back.<br /> <span style="font-style: italic;">How do I know you won’t kill me and cannibalize the body?</span><br /> The text reply came almost immediately.<br /> <span style="font-style: italic;"> I’m not going to force you to do anything. But if you want this job, you’ll get into the limo in the next minute.</span><br /> I called Ethan.<br /> “What’s up, Paige?” he said.<br /> “I don’t have long,” I said. “I’m going to this interview, and don’t tell mom because it’s probably nothing, but something seems sketchy.”<br /> “Paige, maybe you shouldn’t go,” he said. “You can get a job somewhere else.”<br /> “I’m sure it’s fine,” I said. “I’m just calling so you’ll know where I am. I’ll keep texting from the interview.”<br /> “Be careful,” he said. “If you get uncomfortable, leave.”<br /> “I will,” I said. “Remember. Don’t mention anything to Mom. Or I’ll have to kill you. I have to go.”<br /> “Good luck,” he said. “If I don’t hear from you for awhile, I’ll call.”<br /> “Okay, bye.”<br /> “Bye.”<br /> I flipped my phone closed, grabbed my purse, and ran downstairs. True to what the text said, there was a big black limo waiting right in front of my dorm. Students passing by were stopping to stare at the behemoth, and I suddenly felt more self-conscious than worried. I peered into the windows, but they were tinted and I couldn’t see anything. Damn. I was heading into this whole thing blind. The more I thought about it, the less I believed that this was the smartest thing I had ever done. Maybe my Mom was right and they were soliciting prostitutes. This could turn ugly very fast.<br /> And yet something - some latent curiosity - made my feet move forward. I had to figure out what this “assistant” job entailed. I had to figure out why they were being so secretive.<br /> That, and I wanted to get my mom off my back about getting a stupid job.<br /> I sighed and braced myself for what I might find as I opened the door to the limo.<br /> It was a normal limo inside. Well, I had never actually been inside a limo, but it looked like what I had been led to believe the inside of limos looked like on television. I could only see the back and part of the side of my driver’s face. To my disappointment, he didn’t look like Morgan Freeman.<br /> “Howdy, Hoke,” I said. <br /> “Get in the limo,” he said. “The ride will take about fifteen minutes.”<br /> “Not until you tell me where we’re going, buddy,” I said.<br /> “I can’t tell you that, Miss Parker,” he said. “Get in the limo, unless you want to skip the whole thing altogether.”<br /> That was a very attractive possibility at this point. But my stupid, persistent curiosity wouldn’t let me. Even though I found it very unsettling that they knew my cell phone number and my name. Well, I guess I told the guy on the phone that my name was Paige Parker, but I wasn’t expecting the chauffeur to know what my name was. <br /> I slid into the backseat and looked around at my surroundings. The limo pulled away from the curb.<br /> “Any chance of there being a minibar in this joint?” I asked.<br /> “Do you usually go to job interviews while intoxicated?” the driver asked.<br /> “I’m thinking I’m going to need it for this one,” I said. <br /> “Side panel,” the driver said laconically. I leaned forward and pulled open a little door at the side of the limo. Inside were a few Diet Pepsis. <br /> “Dude, there’s just Diet,” I said. “I asked if there was booze.”<br /> “You asked if there was a minibar, which there is,” he said. “You asked nothing about what was inside it.”<br /> “I guess that’s true,” I admitted. “Touché. But still. Dude. Diet. It’s not even real Pepsi.”<br /> “The boss prefers Diet,” he said. “She likes the taste of aspartame.”<br /> I pulled out a Diet Pepsi and flipped open the top, taking a swig. The limo hit a bump and I dribbled some of the brown liquid onto myself. Lovely. Just what I needed while heading to a job interview. I set the can in the cupholder. I didn’t feel like tempting fate by holding the can in my hand anymore.<br /> There was nothing to do and I could tell the driver didn’t feel like chatting so I stared out the window. The tint of the windows made it difficult to make anything out, especially since it was dark outside. I gave up and stared into space for awhile. True to the driver’s word, after about fifteen minutes we stopped.<br /> “You get out here,” he said. “Go into the house. Someone will tell you what to do from there.”<br /> “Okey dokey,” I said. I stepped out and looked around. I was in front of a very large mansion-type house. I wasn’t sure how large the grounds were, but I could hardly see the lights of the city from where I was. Limos were driving up, dropping off girls, and driving around the house. I couldn’t believe that whoever this mysterious “boss” was, that they would send out one limo for each girl. What happened to being green? <br /> I walked up the path to the house and stood outside the door, hesitant to go inside. Should I ring the bell? Should I just go inside? Another girl walked up behind me. She looked a little younger than me, with thick blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail.<br /> “Sup?” I said, nodding at her. <br /> “Are you going inside?” she asked.<br /> “Uh huh,” I said, unwilling to let on that I was feeling a little scared of the whole thing. I reached out and pressed the doorbell. I could hear the echoes of the ding sound reverberating throughout the house, and then the door was opened by an honest to God butler. He wasn’t what TV had led me to expect - old, silver hair, cultured demeanour. He was young, probably in his thirties, with dark, slicked back hair in a Bela Lugosi-like widow’s peak. He had a thin, bird-like face and dark eyes. He looked down his nose at us with all the condescension and superiority of a sommelier in a fancy restaurant encountering some country bumpkins.<br /> “We’re here for the interview,” I said.<br /> “I know,” he said, stepping back and holding the door open for us. I stepped inside the house. <br /> “Well, excuuuse me, Mr. Belvedere,” I muttered to myself. <br /> “I am Wellesley,” he said to the rest of the group who had snuck in behind me. I felt myself blush when I thought he heard me, but the redness quickly dissipated when I realized he wasn’t speaking to me. “Please help yourself to juice and snacks.”<br /> “What’s going to be happening today?” a girl asked brusquely. An irritated look briefly crossed Wellesley’s face, but it disappeared as quickly as it materialized.<br /> “We have to wait for the rest of the girls to arrive,” he said. “I’ll make an announcement enlightening you as to the proceedings.” I shrugged and headed for the refreshment table. I bit into a doughnut and looked around.<br /> There was no common element to the girls who arrived for the interview, other than the fact that they were fairly young. There were girls on both extremes of the narrow age condition, girls of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and hair colour. Everyone was mostly keeping to themselves, probably too nervous about the forthcoming job interview to chat. A girl a little older than me took a doughnut from the table. I nodded at her.<br /> “What’s up?” I said. The girl glanced at me and I couldn’t tell if she was irritated with my forthrightness or glad to have someone to talk to. <br /> “This is so weird, huh?” she asked. “Although not as weird as Lulu Lemon. That place is like a cult.”<br /> “This is definitely the strangest job interview I’ve ever had,” I said. “I mean, limos?”<br /> “The limos freaked me out,” she said. “Reminded me of a hearse, although I’m probably just being morbid.” She pushed her brown bangs out of her eyes. “Don’t you just have this strange feeling of uneasiness? It’s just an interview, but I feel vaguely uncomfortable, or something.”<br /> “I know exactly what you mean!” I exclaimed. “It’s just a job interview, right? I’ve had those before. And yet I somehow feel more apprehensive.”<br /> “I considered just not coming,” she said. “When I got that text message about the limo picking me up?” She said the sentence with a Valley Girl inflection, as if it were a question instead of a statement. “But I was way too curious, and it felt like there was something else drawing me in.”<br /> “It was my curiosity that wouldn’t let me ignore it,” I said. “I told my mom about the interview. She’s worried that it’s some kind of prostitution ring recruiting process.”<br /> “Hey, you go to Arrington U, right?” she said suddenly. “I think you’re in one of my classes.”<br /> “Oh, right,” I said, as if I remembered her, even though I had no idea who she was. “Yeah, totally.” I hoped that if I remained noncommittal, she wouldn’t realize that I had no idea what she was talking about.<br /> “Did you see Hurricane at the school yesterday? He’s so hot,” she said, smiling like a little schoolgirl. “I wonder if he has a girlfriend.”<br /> “Um, I was at the confrontation,” I said. “It was pretty weird.”<br /> “Was it scary? I heard that Hurricane broke the guy’s leg!” she said excitedly, leaning in to get the thrilling first person report that she was sure was forthcoming.<br /> “No, Hurricane just tried to talk the guy down,” I said. “Obsidian…you know, that new superhero guy? Obsidian punched the guy in the face and then the cops came. It wasn’t that exciting.”<br /> “Obsidian?” she asked, confused. “Who’s he?”<br /> “Oh, I don’t really know,” I said. “I think he’s teaming up with Hurricane in some sort of Justice League dealio. Pretty weird, considering Hurricane’s rogues gallery is nothing he can’t handle. As far as cities go, Arrington is pretty boring.”<br /> “How do you know all this?” she asked. I suddenly had the strange feeling that I shouldn’t reveal that I had been talking face to face with Obsidian. <br /> “Um…” I said intelligently. “It’s just what I’ve heard…” She didn’t appear to hear me.<br /> “Hey, that butler dude looks like he’s going to talk!” she said excitedly. I turned around to face Wellesley.<br /> “Each of you will have a pre-interview with me,” he explained. “I’ll be calling you up in alphabetical order. If you meet the criteria, you’ll advance. If not, you go home.”<br /> “Hey, Passepartout!” I called. Wellesley slowly turned to look at me, not even bothering to hide his disgust. <br /> “My name is Wellesley,” he said.<br /> “What criteria?” I asked, ignoring his correction.<br /> “What are you talking about?” he sniffed.<br /> “You said if we don’t meet the criteria, we go home. What criteria? In the ad, it just said we had to be a certain age.”<br /> “Criteria that my employer has impressed upon me is of the utmost importance,” he said. <br /> “But isn’t that kind of unfair?” I said. “We only thought we had to be a certain age, and then BAM, the interviewer wants us to type 100 words per minute? Why even waste our time if we don’t meet some secret criteria? I could be doing other things. I have a life, you know.”<br /> “Can I just say that I hope you don’t meet the criteria?” Wellesley simply said in reply. <br /> “Well, that’s rude,” I said, although I wasn’t really that offended by a dandy who didn’t like me. “I think just to mess with you, I’m going to get the job. How do you like that?” Wellesley had already shut me out and was answering another girl’s question. I was secretly glad that he didn’t hear my lame comeback.<br /> Wellesley disappeared into a little room, a girl following him. I grabbed another doughnut and stuffed it into my mouth. I could tell that it was going to be a pretty long wait until he got to the Ps, and from what I could tell of this guy, he was probably going to skip “Parker” altogether.<br /> Wellesley closed the door behind him and I wandered over, hoping to catch snippets of the interview. Maybe I could prepare myself. I grabbed one of the glasses that had been provided for our juice needs and put it against the door, pressing my ear against the other end.<br /> “…Cheated on an exam?” I heard.<br /> “I never cheat,” the girl replied.<br /> “Do you have any martial arts experience?”<br /> “No,” she said.<br /> “Well, Tara, I’m afraid I’ll have to send you home. Thank you for coming,” Wellesley said. I tried to run away before the door opened, but Wellesley opened the door with my ear still against it. I stumbled a little and then straightened, putting the glass behind my back. The girl looked surprised, Wellesley looked pissed.<br /> “Um…” I said, trying to think quickly. “I was…just…I got nothing.”<br /> “Is ‘waiting your turn’ an unheard of concept for you?” Wellesley asked.<br /> “I was just trying to get a heads up on what was going to happen,” I said. “I get it. I’ll go back to eating doughnuts now.” I wandered back to the refreshment table. The girls were mostly avoiding the doughnuts for some reason, preferring to stand around alone, not speaking to anyone. I didn’t care. More doughnuts for me, and they were delicious. <br /> One by one, Wellesley called girls into the little room. If they were okay, they came out and waited with the rest of us. If they weren’t acceptable, Wellesley whispered something to them, made them look at something that I couldn’t quite make out, and they went straight out the door without looking back.<br /> “Parker,” Wellesley called, bored after probably close to twenty-five interviews. I turned around, smiled, and waved. Even from across the room, I could see his eyes rolling so hard it probably hurt. He disappeared back into the room, not even bothering to maintain a modicum of courtesy around me. I didn’t usually rub people the wrong way in such a short time. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.<br /> I stepped into the little room, which was barely big enough to hold a desk and two chairs. Wellesley sat down behind the desk and I sat down across from him without waiting for an invitation, turning the chair in slow circles. Wellesley sighed, barely audible.<br /> “So Jeeves, let’s get this over with,” I said, slouching low in the chair and twirling it again. I thought that it was probably a good idea to stop making fun of him with butler names - my repertoire was small, and if I kept going at this rate, I was going to run out.<br /> “Or you could just leave,” Wellesley said hopefully.<br /> “And give you the satisfaction?” I said, spinning around again. “Nah, Wellesley, I think I want to stay a little longer and hang out with you.”<br /> “First question: How old are you?”<br /> “Nineteen,” I said. <br /> “Tell me a little bit about yourself,” he said.<br /> “Well, I’m a Virgo,” I said. “I like chocolate, roses, and long walks on the beach.” I could tell Wellesley was clenching his teeth to keep from replying harshly. “Careful, dude. If you keep grinding your teeth, you could end up with gum recession, and no one wants that.” <br /> “You know that’s not what I meant,” Wellesley said.<br /> “What’s to say?” I said. “I’m a nineteen-year-old living with two roommates. I was born and raised in Arrington. I enjoy the music of Tom Waits?”<br /> “Have you ever cheated on a test?” he asked. <br /> “No!” I exclaimed. “Wait, yes. Eighth grade. Photos class. We had to do a quiz on the parts of the camera. Someone in my group obtained a copy of the answers. I wrote them on my leg and then pretended I was scratching my leg. It was all very secret agent-y.”<br /> “Do you have any martial arts training?” he asked.<br /> “Wait, what? Martial arts?” I asked. “Just what exactly kind of skulduggery are you planning here?”<br /> “Just answer the question,” Wellesley said.<br /> “No, I don’t know any martial arts!” I exclaimed. “What a strange question. What kind of job am I applying for?”<br /> “You’ll find all that out soon enough,” Wellesley said vaguely. “Do you have any skills to speak of?”<br /> “Just my sparkling wit,” I said. “What’s going on here?”<br /> “Just because you repeatedly ask, doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly break down and answer,” Wellesley said.<br /> “Doesn’t hurt to try,” I said, putting my hands behind my head and twirling around again.<br /> “I’ll be honest with you,” Wellesley said. “I don’t particularly like you, and you seem incredibly ill-suited to the job offered. I’m going to have to send y-” He stopped mid-sentence, cocked his head slightly, and appeared to be listening. Closer inspection revealed that he had a tiny earpiece and someone was talking to him through it. Our mysterious boss, perhaps?<br /> A pained look crossed Wellesley’s face and he sighed.<br /> “She wants you to stay,” he said, spitting out the words as if they tasted bitter. I brightened.<br /> “Sweet! So I’ve charmed her, huh? Doesn’t take much,” I said.<br /> “Don’t kid yourself,” Wellesley said.<br /> “Oh, Wellesley,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “You’ll get used to me in time.”<br /> “There won’t be any time,” he said. “You’re not getting this job.” I bristled. I wasn’t usually ambitious about anything, but Wellesley’s complete conviction that I wasn’t good enough, his condescension, and his pretension were starting to rankle. I maintained my façade of good cheer, since that seemed to annoy him more than anything else I could have done.<br /> “We’ll see, Wellesley,” I said, getting up under the assumption that the pre-interview was over. “You’ll learn to love me.”<br /> “Doubtful,” he said. “Go out and wait with the others. The next part of the interview will be starting shortly.”<br /> “Thanks, buddy!” I said, just to mess with him. I winked and gave him finger guns as I left. Predictably, he rolled his eyes. It was way too much fun bugging him. I went back out into the big room. The number of girls had been cut almost in half. I wondered what the rigorous criteria were; I didn’t think I had been particularly impressive in my pre-interview with Wellesley. The girl before me seemed like a prime candidate for a job: she seemed like a goody-goody and she maintained that she never cheated. So why did she go home? What exactly was going on here? Alarm bells were ringing in my head, but they were the kind of alarm bells that weren’t that loud and you ignored in their repetitiveness. And they were alarm bells that were outweighed by my curiosity.<br /> There were only about three girls after me, and their interviews didn’t take long - two girls were sent home, and one rejoined the rest of us. Wellesley looked out at us and he didn’t even have to speak, but he got our attention immediately. A portion of the wall slid up behind him, revealing a darkened and slightly sketchy looking room. I glanced at the other girls, who all looked a little uneasy.<br /> “Follow me,” he said. No one moved. I glanced around and stepped forward. Wellesley glanced at me.<br /> “Figures it would be you,” he said. <br /> “Don’t pretend you’re not happy about it!” I joked. I looked behind me. At my movement the other girls evidently recovered and followed me into the room. <br /> Black vests with holstered plastic guns lined the walls. <br /> “Put on a vest,” he said. <br /> “Are you serious?” I said in disbelief. “We’re playing laser tag?” I recognized the vests immediately from a school trip to play laser tag. <br /> “That’s what she wants,” Wellesley said. If we were competing for a job through laser tag, I was screwed. We played three games and I came in dead last each and every time. A worse shot than me never lived. Clearly, I was going to have to use some form of deception to win this challenge. As we started pulling the vests over our heads, Wellesley explained the game.<br /> “I’m assuming you all know how to play laser tag,” Wellesley said. He picked up a gun. “Just point and shoot.”<br /> “That’s what she said!” I burst out before I could stop myself. There were a few snickers from the girls. Wellesley narrowed his eyes at me.<br /> “Loosen up a little, Alfred!” I said, picking up the gun and pulling the trigger experimentally. <br /> “Can I talk, now?” he snapped.<br /> “Go ahead,” I said. More snickers. Wellesley was visibly trying hard to maintain his composure.<br /> “The rules are simple. Somewhere in the adjoining room is a secret door leading to the next part of the test. You have to find it before anyone else does. You can get shot ten times. After that, your gun deactivates and your vest gives off a signal for security to come get you and escort you out. Is everyone ready?” There were murmurs of assent. “Okay, then.” He opened the door and gestured us all through.<br /> Obviously, if I had to rely on my own talent, I would be escorted out within the first five minutes. I needed to be sneaky. I looked around to make sure I wasn’t being watched. I could only see a girl maundering past me, but everyone else had run out of sight immediately. I shrugged off my vest and dropped it to the ground, kicking it into a dark corner. If we could only be shot ten times, I wouldn’t give them an opportunity to shoot me in the first place. I decided to keep the gun, but I wasn’t sure why. I had the shooting ability of a Stormtrooper and it wasn’t like I needed the gun to do some pistol whipping or something.<br /> Now to find the secret passage to the next part of the test. It was most likely to be in the walls somewhere. I started to walk around the perimeter of the room, running my hands along the walls, feeling for a fissure or button or something. Why would someone design their house like this? All secret portals and slidey doors. And a laser tag arena. Laser tag. In your house. What kind of person was this mysterious woman?<br /> A girl clipped me as she ran past.<br /> “Watch where you’re going!” I complained, rubbing my arm. I couldn’t see or feel anything that conceivably could have been a secret passage or whatever. Nothing. I did another perimeter of the room in the other direction. Nothing again. I wasn’t sure why I was expecting anything different. I sighed and leaned against the wall. Obviously, there was something that I was missing. And then I saw it. In front of me was a manhole in the floor. Why would there be a manhole inside? Unless it led somewhere else. <br /> I glanced around but everyone else was otherwise occupied. I pried the lid of the manhole up with my fingernails and pushed it to the side. I couldn’t see anything except the top of a ladder. This had to be it. I glanced around again, paranoid that someone would come up behind me and figure out what I was doing. I started to climb down the ladder. I reached up to pull the manhole cover over top of me but before I could, someone stepped on my fingers. <br /> “Ow!” I exclaimed. A girl was peering down at me, hands on her hips.<br /> “What are you doing?” she asked. <br /> “Nothing,” I said, hoping she was dumb enough to not ask questions but knowing she probably wasn’t. <br /> “You found the passage!” she exclaimed.<br /> “I…um…no I didn’t!” I said.<br /> “Let me down,” she demanded.<br /> “Go find your own secret passage!” I said.<br /> “There’s only one,” she hissed. She crouched down. “Would you rather I stayed up here talking to you so that others found the passage as well? Or would you rather just compete against me?”<br /> “You make a good point,” I admitted. “Come on.” I started my descent down the ladder and the girl followed. The rung scraped some mud off her shoe which landed on my head.<br /> “Do you mind?” I hissed. “I don’t appreciate getting mud on my head.”<br /> “I can’t control what my shoes do!” she protested.<br /> “You can control what your legs do!” I snapped. I reached the bottom and jumped lightly to the ground. The girl was not far behind.<br /> There was a pool in the middle of the floor, about as big as your basic public pool. Far from being blue and clear, the water was stagnant and it looked rank with algae. Hanging over the pool was a series of knotted ropes and vertical nets. There was a door on the other side and something I could dimly make out as a key hanging next to the knob.<br /> “What the hell?” Closer inspection of the first rope revealed a white envelope attached to it. I walked over to the edge of the pool and leaned forward, plucking the envelope off the rope. The girl walked up behind me as I ripped open the envelope. Inside was a small white card, and written on it was once sentence in graceful cursive: Cross the pool without getting wet.<br /> “That’s nothing,” the girl said. “I’m Ella Parsons!” She looked at me expectantly.<br /> “Huh?” I said.<br /> “Ella Parsons,” she said. “Gymnastics champion of Arrington. I’ve all over this. Too bad about you though.” She leaped lightly and grabbed the first rope. She started swinging, trying to get more momentum to reach the first hanging net.<br /> There was no way I was going to swing like a monkey across that pool. My arms would get tired and I would fall in within the first minute; I knew that for sure. Hmm.<br /> Ella had advanced from the first net to the second rope. I didn’t have much longer to deliberate if I was going to beat her to the next challenge. I didn’t stop to think. I took off my blazer and dropped it to the floor. I kicked off my shoes and quickly tied the laces in a knot, wrapping it around my wrist. I had the feeling I would need my shoes later. I dipped a finger in the water. It was cold and gross, and I didn’t relish what I knew I had to do. I looked up. Ella was almost across. I jumped into the water. Ella looked back at the sudden splash.<br /> “What are you doing, you idiot?” she demanded. “The note said not to touch the water! You just screwed yourself over!”<br /> “Do you always do what you’re told?” I said, starting to swim.<br /> “You’re a dumbass,” she said. “You won’t get a job if you don’t follow instructions.”<br /> “Look, we need to get across the pool. I’m taking the most efficient route.” At this point I had almost overtaken her. She glared at me and upped her speed. I did the same. Despite the fact that she knew I was moving faster than she was, she still didn’t give up and start swimming. I reached the end and pulled myself up. I was sopping wet and not very happy.<br /> “You’ll lose, you know,” Ella said. “You touched the water.”<br /> “Oh, shut it,” I said. I took the key and unlocked the door.<br /> “Hey wait-!” she said, jumping to the other side of the pool. I smiled, waved, and locked the door behind me, blocking out her furious face.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7840705222909773844?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-16372728019000813222009-11-23T09:29:00.007-06:002009-11-23T12:09:18.792-06:00The one good thing (and trust me, there is only one) about the Twilight series is since it's so popular, the movies get pirated and put on the internet VEEEERY quickly, so I can enjoy their hilarious badness, safe in the knowledge that a) I'm not paying for it, b) Nobody sees me and thinks I like this shit unironically, and c) Smeyer is not getting my money. Those thoughts make me feel warm and fuzzy.<br /><br />It took a lot of searching, but I finally found a fairly good quality pirated copy and I'll be watching it FOR YOU my nonreaders. And for me, since I need the laugh.<br /><br />Little background: this is the movie in which Bella goes catatonic for months because Edward left her and then she starts trying to kill herself to hear his voice in her head. This movie is also better known as "Jacob shirtless OMG".<br /><br />So without further ado, here is New Moon.<br /><br />So we start off with the typical slooooooow imagery with a moon slooooooowly being eclipsed and the words New Moon sloooooooowly coming onto the screen. Then there's a...I'm not sure what you call a scene from the movie that will come later. But Bella is in Italy and then she's running through all these red robed people and never mind it's a dream. Bella sees her grandma and then EW there's Edward Cullen wearing some kind of douchey suit with a weird black collar thing. Seriously, I don't know what up with that.<br /><br />I HEAR THE SPARKLE NOISES!<br /><br />OMG PLOT TWIST. Bella's "grandma" is Bella and Edward is still with her, despite the fact that...yeah, I'm not gonna go there.<br /><br />YAY IT'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER. HI CHARLIE, I MISSED YOU! Charlie is one of three of the movie characters that I adore unironically. One of them is Jacob's dad, who seemed very sweet and funny in the first film (but of course, like all the human characters, gets abruptly phased out) and the other is Emmett, who seems like such a hilarious douchebag. In the books, I enjoy Jasper as well (although this [and possibly my love of Emmett] come solely from Growing Up Cullen.) <br /><br />It's Bella's birthday and Charlie is being so sweet and bringing Bella her presents. You know, I think it would have been interesting if Bella actually loved her dad and didn't have so much contempt for him and we could see how she deals with becoming a vampire and then the possibility of outliving him. But silly me, that would provide conflict and everything has to go as smoothly as possibly for little Bella Sue.<br /><br />This version I'm watching cut off the heads. I'm not sure whether this will be annoying.<br /><br />Charlie jokes that she's getting old and she FREAKS OUT. She actually believes she has a grey hair.<br /><br />Side note: I think I've mentioned this before. Okay, Edward kisses old!Bella's hand. I shuddered, and not because of Edward! It's because I haaaaaaaate getting my hand kissed (and yes, this has somehow happened enough for me to form an opinion). Everyone thinks this is so romantic but it's so gross.<br /><br />OMG OMG OMG Edward is walking in slow mo towards Bella with his own soundtrack. I can't even DESCRIBE how cheesy this is.<br /><br />Bella complains about being old and Edward's all "Dude, I'm 109" and she's like, "maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man" and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE CHLOE AND BUCK WERE JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING OLD.<br /><br />K, Jacob needs to cut his hair. Taylor Lautner's teeth are SO WHITE.<br /><br />Also: How dooes Jacob know it's Bella's birthday? I have guy friends that I've known for years and I still don't know their birthdays.<br /><br />Bella tries to make jokes, but it just doesn't work. I give her an A for effort, but a D on the execution.<br /><br />Everyone loves Alice, but I find her SO UNSETTLING. You know who else I find unsettling? JASPER. He's like a creepy pedo (almost literally, ha ha ha ha ha) who hangs out in a high school.<br /><br />IS THAT RAY WISE IN ENGLISH CLASS????? On the one hand GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, RAY! But on the other YES, YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER. Never mind. Sadly it's not him. But now I want to watch Reaper.<br /><br />So the students are watching Romeo and Juliet and Mike looks like I did when I watched the BBC version. Edward is quoting Romeo and Juliet and this is supposed to be romantic, despite the fact that talking along with the movie is one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO. They're talking in the middle of class about Edward's plans to kill himself should Bella ever die. That's romantic.<br /><br />I can't WAIT to see Michael Sheen and Christopher Heyerdahl. HI CHRIS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT PLEASE RETURN TO STARGATE ATLANTIS AND SUPERNATURAL, KTHXBAI.<br /><br />So, is it like a prerequisite of vampires to wear floaty vampire shirts?<br /><br />WHOA. This is more action than I expect from a Twilight film. The Volturi (scary vampire overlords) are shown BREAKING SOMEONE'S NECK. I...I kind of enjoyed that.<br /><br />I still find Alice so unsettling.<br /><br />EMMETT! Hopefully you have more lines! YES! Omg. Maybe I just have very, very low standards for this film, but Emmett was like, "Dating an older woman? Hot!" and at Edward's contemptuous look, Emmett's like, "...what?" I LOVE HIM. This is my low standards talking, but I love him!<br /><br />Bella gets a papercut and it's bleeding like a mofo. I've had papercuts and...they're not generally that bad. Like, I don't think my fingers bled as much as hers when I cut myself on the Tomato Witch at work. So Jasper attacks and I think he gets thrown into the piano or something. Bella's all cut up and Edward's just watching her CREEPY.<br /><br />So this is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet. Smeyer does know that's about two impetuous morons whose lack of logical thinking ended in their deaths, right?<br /><br />There is SO MUCH SILENCE in this film. I wish I was watching this shit with RiffTrax. "Line...line...LINE!"<br /><br />Dear God, I'm only 20 minutes in and already I want to kill myself.<br /><br />I know this question has been asked a million times. But WHY IN THE WORLD is she attracted to Edward Cullen. Even leaving out all the abusive stalkerness, he's just so bland and humourless and BORING. Like he never cracks jokes, except for last movie when he was like, "Yes, no...to get to the other side." That was one of like three lines I enjoyed (one coming from Charlie, the other from Billy Black).<br /><br />So now Edward says he has to leave (EDWARD LOOKS SO SCARY) and she's all, "I'LL COME WITH YOU ZOMG" and he's like, "I don't want you to come" and of course, she's devastated because EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN. Oh lordy, this is so depressing how she is nothing without Edward.<br /><br />Edward's lipstick is so...so...red. Like Gwen Stefani red.<br /><br />Bella runs through the forest and then passes out or falls asleep or something. I dunno, I stopped paying attention because it's so boring. Plus, this is pirated from a theatre-goer so the visual quality isn't great and I can't currently see anything.<br /><br />WTF? Billy's played by someone else now?<br /><br />What possible reason could Sam have to walk around in the woods, at night, shirtless? I mean, fanservice is one thing, but REALLY FUCKING DUMB is another.<br /><br />Oh hey, now Bella's catatonic. We are informed it's October and no she seriously is fucking catatonic. She's just in her room staring at nothing while melancholy music is playing. And now it's November, and she hasn't moved. I can't believe I'm actually looking at this now. Someone decided that THIS PART ACTUALLY HAD TO BE ON SCREEN. December. She hasn't moved yet. Who thought this would actually be a compelling movie?<br /><br />Bella's screaming in her sleep. POOR CHARLIE. Charlie's such a good dad and then Bella just treats him like dirt.<br /><br />HA HA HA HA HA there's a bar called "One Eyed Pete's." I would TOTALLY be on that shit like WHITE ON RICE. So anyway, Bella sees the rapists and starts to go over there for whatever reason and then SHE HEARS EDWARD IN HER HEAD and she sees him standing before her. It reminds me of the trailer for "The House on Haunted Hill" where Vincent Price's head is floating in the air and speaking in a disconcerting manner. (For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgAsLr2bgI. It looks exactly like that, kind of sad seeing as HOHH was made back in the 50s. Btw: HOHH is a really good movie, better than this crap) The effects in New Moon are so bad, which is weird seeing as how I'm sure this movie had a bigger budget than the first.<br /><br />Bella gets on a motorcycle with a fatter, sinister, version of Simon Pegg and Jessica freaks out.<br /><br />Now Bella is putting her life in danger just to see Edward.<br /><br />Jacob is so sweet in this movie. He obviously enjoys her company and he's so smiley when she's around and he's actually a real friend and a NORMAL DUDE. I like him so much better than Edward. And then Eclipse comes along and Jacob turns into a sexually assaulting loser. But you know, when it comes to Twilight, I'll enjoy my fuzzy feelings where I can get them. <br /><br />Okay, I'm enjoying Jacob in almost every respect except for his fucking voice. I can't really describe it but it goes really gravelly and he talks like he has rocks in his mouth. I HATE that.<br /><br />OMG Bella actually said something that was kinda funny and THEN SHE LAUGHED YOU GUYS. Jake was joking around that she had a crush on him and then she was like, "I'm not really into the cougar thing." Okay, it's not Laurel and Hardy, but I will take my laughs where I can get them.<br /><br />Charlie is so sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha he's talking to Bella about how she should "love what's good for her" (meaning Jacob) and he's like, "What do I know? I'm a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies' man." I love him.<br /><br />Bella says "mad skillz" and my opinion of her sense of humour plummets again.<br /><br />Bella and Jacob see some Natives cliff diving and when Jacob says it's a rush, she gets the glimmer of an idea.<br /><br />Yeah, I'm sure taking off your shirt to put it to Bella's wound was TOTALLY necessary. Bella, woozy in her head traumaed state, calls him beautiful. HOLY SHIT he is buff though. WOW.<br /><br />Anyhoo, that's it for part 1 solely because I'm on Megavideo and you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and the reloading process is taking FOREVER so I'll just finish this tomorrow. I'll save my sanity that way.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1637272801900081322?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-3729592199470203222009-11-16T10:41:00.003-06:002009-11-16T10:51:38.319-06:00I took a dare to include dictionary.com's word of the day in every day's writing, and somehow I have succeeded in doing so, except for one day when I didn't write at all. Here are those words:<br /><br />1. 1700 (Irenic)<br />2. 3400 (Truculent)<br />3. 5100 (Sommelier)<br />4. 6800 (Skulduggery)<br />5. 8500 (Maunder)<br />6. 10 200 (Felicitous)<br />7. 11 900 (Abeyance)<br />8. 13 600 (Billet)<br />9. 15 300 (Fungible)<br />10. 17 000 (Soporific)<br />11. 18 700<br />12. 20 400 (Asseverate)<br />13. 22 100 (Carapace)<br />14. 23 800 (Quiescent)<br />15. 25 500 (Agog)<br />15. 27 200 (Hoi polloi)<br /><br />Haven't used hoi polloi yet. Luckily I have a rich snob character who is actually kind of likely to use that word. The toughest one to use so far was billet, inasmuch as no one is billeted anywhere. I just had someone use the word in a conversation about their cross-dressing exchange student. Truculent was another tough one because no one was getting fiercely angry.<br /><br />On to...NANOISMS.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">From my outline:</span><br />-They kind of have an undefined “thing”, which can’t really get out of the ground because of their sidekick thing (they’re always gone, and can’t tell the other why)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Off the ground. OFF.</span><br /><br />I hadn’t had breakfast, and I felt I disturbed some doughnut holes after my crappy morning.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">First nanoism! Deserved, not disturbed. Not sure how that happened.</span><br /><br />“What’s going on?” I asked the doughnut worker, who shrugged.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lol, doughnut worker. She actually works at Tim Hortons, but I didn’t want to use actual names of restaurants. I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase this.</span><br /><br />Dishwasher…touching other people’s half-eaten food and being on my food eight hours a day?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ha ha. Feet, Paige. Feet.</span><br /><br />Even though I found it very unsettling that they knew my cell phone number and my name. Well, I guess I told the guy on the phone that my name was Paige Parker, but I wasn’t expecting the chauffeur to know. <br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">After I wrote the first sentence, I remembered that these mysterious people actually knew her name, so the following sentence is me correcting that without losing word count.</span><br /><br />“Well, excuuuse me, Mr. Belvedere,” I muttered to myself.<br /> “I am Wellesley,” he said to the rest of the group who had snuck in behind me. I felt myself blush when I thought he heard me, but the redness quickly dissipated when I realized he wasn’t speaking to me.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I read this over and realized it sounded like Wellesley was answering her when he didn’t actually hear her. Again, this is my attempt at fixing a mistake without deleting words. I think it worked.</span><br /><br />I reached out and pressed the doorbell. I could hear the echoes of the ding sound echoing throughout the house.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I just noticed this the next day. Paging the Department of Redundancy Department…</span><br /><br />“Hey, that butler dude looks like he’s going to talk!” she said excitedly. I turned around to face Wellesley, leaning against the table.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Paige was, not Wellesley, although you can’t tell that from this sentence. Also, just noticed I wrote “butler dude”. I’m not even trying to be serious.</span><br /><br />My repertoire was small and if I kept going at this rate, I was gong to run out.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">No, she hasn’t broken out in some kind of Chinese music. If she kept going at this rate.</span><br /><br />“Wait, what? Marital arts?”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Paige. You’re being recruited to be a sidekick to a villain. You really don’t need to have knowledge of the marital arts. Martial arts, maybe.</span><br /><br />A black cape fluttered behind him as he ran. His red boots clunked on the floor as he ran.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I’m so stupid. I just noticed this and literally went, “What the FUCK, Department of Redundancy Department?” Also…clunked?</span><br /><br />He stopped mid-sentence, cocked his eyed<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cocked his…eyed?</span><br /><br />“Ow!” I explained.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">She’s very analytical about her pain.</span><br />“Ow!” I exclained.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">And my attempt to fix it ended in failure.</span><br /><br />“That’s nothing,” the girl said. “I’m Ella Parsons!” She looked at me expectantly.<br /> “Huh?” I said.<br /> “Ella Parsons,” she said. “Gymnastics champion of Arrington.”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I didn’t want to keep referring to her as “the girl” so I shoehorned in this explanation of who she was. I don’t think it really worked.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Here, Paige is trapped in a room and is hoping that if she's as annoying as possible, someone will let her out.</span><br />“Jeremiah was a bullfrog…” I started. “Was a good friend of mine…”<br /> I paused. <br /> “I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him to drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.” I stood up and simultaneously got louder.<br /> “JOY! TO THE WORLD! ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS! JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA! AND JOY! TO YOU AND ME!”<br /> I paused. There was nothing. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting.<br /> “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE WORLD. I’D TELL YOU WHAT I’D DO! I’D THROW AWAY THE BARS AND THE CARS AND THE WARS AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU!”<br /> I didn’t know what else to do. So I kept singing, hoping that maybe someone was listening and they would be so annoyed that they would let me out just to make the singing stop. I hoped that person would be Wellesley.<br /> “SINGING JOY! TO THE WORLD! ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS! JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA, AND JOY TO YOU AND ME.”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Word count, people. Word count.</span><br /><br /> “Follow me,” he said, gesturing unenthusiastically into the next room. I got up<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Despite the fact that she got up already awhile ago.</span><br /><br />“Plus, I’ve been your mansion for a few hours now, and you haven’t done anything to me yet.”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Yes, people, she has turned into a house.</span><br /><br />“A woman in my position. You understand.”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Whoa, that first sentence is missing a few words. It’s supposed to say something like, “A woman in my position can’t be too careful.”</span><br /><br />“You’ll be robbing banks and prominent people,” Catwoman said.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">So I’m writing a comic book parody, and I’ve always imagined this character as being like Catwoman. I guess that’s coming out in my writing now.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">This is my absolute favourite!</span><br />“If you’ll recall, I rode her in a limo with tinted windows.”<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHAT. No no no no no I don’t like this AT ALL. No, Paige, you’re not a lesbian! Or a slut! I swear! You rode HERE in a limo. Promise. </span><br /><br />It was 11:30, and I was going to have to head over to Claire’s pretty toon.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">And Paige has turned into a three year old. “We gotta go to Claire’s pwetty toon!</span>”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">This is the aforementioned "billet" scene.</span><br />“So then our billet turned out to be this cross-dresser!” Raina was saying into her cell phone. “It was the weirdest exchange student we’ve ever hosted. My parents were uncomfortable with it, but they couldn’t very well send him back to Mexico!”<br /> I wondered what her home life was like.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> I have NO IDEA what her life is like, but it sounds interesting.</span><br /><br />Claire quickly moved into the shadows and I followed her, trying to mimic her quick, gliding movements and failing. I felt like an elephant trying to mimic a panther. Claire darted from shadow to shadow, and I tried my best to keep up. <br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">“Hello, DoRD? Yeah, I was wondering if you could stay out of my work? Thanks.”</span> <br /><br />My earpiece crackled and Claire’s voice cake through,<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mmm. Cake.</span><br /><br />I slowly descended the steps, hands in my hair.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Somehow I don’t think this is the proper protocol when you have someone pointing a gun at you. Putting your hands in the air might be better.</span><br /><br />“You think that killing a roomful of innocent teachers and a university professor is going to avenge your brother?” I asked.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Students, not teachers.</span><br /><br />“I should hit you!” I said.<br /> “Why?” he asked, looking at me agog.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Somehow, I don’t think he was THAT baffled. But I had to get in my word of the day somehow.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-372959219947020322?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-51352369704889607562009-11-15T13:11:00.002-06:002009-11-15T13:21:03.319-06:00Omg you guys. Not many NaNo updates today, except I've had immense writer's block for the last two days. Apparently Paige's family is changing from the one in Wonderfalls to THE TWILIGHT FAMILY. Paige was taken hostage with a bunch of other people and her mom is all worried and Paige is all, "no seriously, I'm fine." But it sounds Twilight-y and...I DON'T WANT IT TO.<br /><br />Currently, I have no idea where I'm going with my novel. I'm like halfway through the month and...nothing has happened yet.<br /><br />Here's my current favourite passage. Paige (as her alter ego, Violet Claw) and Obsidian are fighting because he just caught her stealing a rare artifact.<br /><br />I picked it [the statue] up to bring it to Claire to confirm its authenticity, but just as I picked it up I was tackled my a large, dark object. The statue dropped out of my hands as I fell and rolled across the floor, coming to a stop when it hit the wall. My goggles flew off in the fall but thankfully, my mask remained intact. Whoever tackled me sat on my back and pinned my arms to the floor.<br /> “I don’t think that’s yours, is it?” my attacker said.<br /> “Aw, nuts,” was all I could think of to say.<br /><br />“I don’t suppose I could convince you that this whole thing was a mistake and I was just leaving, could I?” I tried. If I could just get my arms free, I could turn on my earpiece and Claire would hear that I was in trouble. She would know what to do.<br /> “Not a chance,” my attacker, who was male, said. Outwardly, I was trying to remain calm, but inwardly I was panicking. What should I do? This was my first job. “It’s routine,” Claire said. “It will be easy,” she said. Well, for being so easy and routine, it had gone FUBAR pretty fast. I was going to have words with Claire, if I ever got out of here.<br /> I tried to think of action movies I had seen. What would James Bond do? What would John McClane do? I knew one thing: they would probably not do what I did next, which was bite the hand holding down my right arm.<br /> “Ow!” he exclaimed, jerking his arm away on reflex. I had no idea who was taking over my body, but I liked them; my next move was to punch my attacker in the nose. I had never been in a fight before, but all this was coming to me suddenly. Maybe I absorbed something from Claire by osmosis. The attacker held his nose and I pushed him over so that he was lying on his back and I was crouching over him. <br /> “Don’t try anything or I’ll shoot you,” I said. I had no gun, but I hoped that he wouldn’t notice that little fact. Carefully, keeping my eyes on whoever it was, I grabbed my goggles and put them back on. My attacker was dressed in a black costume with a black mask covering the top half of his face. “Obsidian?”<br /> He lifted his head to look at me as he spoke. “Do I know you?” Oh crap, what if he recognized me? Or my voice? I tried to make my voice low and smoky. I was aiming for a Lauren Bacall feel, but I think I fell short of the mark. <br /> “No, but I know you,” I said. <br /> “How?” he asked.<br /> “I have my ways,” I said mysteriously. I felt like I had entered a really bad film noir. I put a hand to my earpiece. “Spinner, I have a situation up here. It’s under control.” I felt all official and spy-like. Is this how I was supposed to speak? I wasn’t sure what the protocol was.<br /> “I have a situation down here,” she said. Her voice was as controlled as always, but I sensed an undercurrent of tension. I glanced back at Obsidian.<br /> “Hurricane’s taking out Siege as we speak,” Obsidian said smugly. <br /> “Or is he?” I said. “I seem to have you under control, so maybe Siege Spinner has Hurricane tied up or something.” Or something. I was such an eloquent speaker.<br /> “Then why isn’t she up here?” he said. “Just give up. Siege Spinner’s down.”<br /> “Your mind games aren’t going to work,” I said, although his words made me feel a little uneasy. “I’m going to steal this stupid statue and you aren’t going to be able to do anything about it.”<br /> “Here’s an idea: why don’t you go get it somewhere else? Legally?” he suggested.<br /> “Dude, it’s not like it’s fungible property,” I pointed out. I winced at my use of the word “dude”, which was too much how I spoke in real life. I had a lot to learn about the whole “secret identity” thing.<br /> “Ooh, ‘fungible’,” he mocked. “Look at you, Professor!”<br /> “You’re just jealous because your vocabulary hasn’t advanced beyond the ninth grade,” I said. <br /> “You may think you’re so smart with your Word of the Day calendar, but I know something you don’t,” he said.<br /> “Oh? And what might that be?” I said.<br /> “I know how to do this!” On “this” he sprang up and pushed me across the room. I stumbled backwards into the wall and by some strange stroke of fortune, my foot hit the statue. <br /> I shook my head, trying to clear it from the pain that was clouding my mind. I found it hard to breathe because the wind had gotten knocked out of me. Obsidian darted forward and pressed his arm across my chest, pinning me to the wall. He leaned forward so that he was right in my face. <br /> “Well, this is erotic,” I said sarcastically, although I was pretty much terrified out of my mind. <br /> “Who are you?” he demanded.<br /> “Who’s on first,” I said, for lack of anything more witty to say. Obviously, when I get scared, I say stupid things.<br /> “What?”<br /> “No, what’s on second.”<br /> “What?”<br /> “Yeah.”<br /> “What are you talking about?”<br /> “Yeah, we’re talking about what. He’s on second.”<br /> “Who?”<br /> “No, who’s on first.”<br /> “You’re crazy.”<br /> “Haven’t you heard that Abbot and Costello sketch? “Who’s on first, what’s on second” and so on?”<br /> “Abbot and Costello?”<br /> “Yeah, they’re comedians.”<br /> “I know who Abbot and Costello are!” he said, frustrated. “I’m just going to ignore this whole preceding conversation. Who are you?”<br /> “Why would I volunteer that information?” I asked. Claire was going to kill me. My first job and already it was screwed up, and if my secret identity got out well, it was the neuralyzer for me.<br /> How could I get away from Obsidian? I took stock of the situation. He had his arm perilously close to my neck, but I knew he wouldn’t choke me or anything. He was one of the good guys. I didn’t think I was strong enough to push him away, especially when I didn’t have any leverage. I couldn’t get enough movement in my arms to hit anything. The only thing I really did have was my head.<br /> “If you just come with me now, I’ll make sure you don’t get much jail time,” he said.<br /> “Oh, well, in that case…” I said sarcastically. “Are you being serious right now? Because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Besides, you’re like, what, sixteen? I’m sure you have tons of pull in the judicial system.” <br /> “I’m not sixteen,” he muttered petulantly.<br /> “My mistake,” I said. “And you know what your mistake is?”<br /> “What?”<br /> I reared back and hit his forehead with mine. There was a resounding crack and he stumbled back, freeing me from the wall. He held his forehead, wincing with pain. <br /> “Your mistake is underestimating me,” I gasped out through the pain, thinking that maybe that wasn’t that best idea I’ve ever had. You know, when you see people head butting other people, what they don’t tell you is that it hurts like a mother for both sides. I didn’t expect that, so even though I took Obsidian out for awhile, I was out of commission as well.<br /> “You know, you wouldn’t think it would hurt this much from watching TV,” I said. My head butt had evened the playing field between the two of us - the advantage now lay with who could recover from the injury first. I was determined to be that person.<br /> I had never been in a fight in my life, so I was completely winging it. I moved forward to Obsidian and punched him in the face. I was aiming for his nose but clipped the side of his jaw. Pain shot through my hand but I tried to ignore it. <br /> “I don’t want to hit a girl,” he said while rubbing his jaw.<br /> “That’s not my problem, is it?” I said. I reached down to pick up the fallen statue. Before Obsidian could react, I hit him in the side of the head with it and Obsidian dropped like a rock to the floor.<br /><br />I love fight scenes. In fact, whenever I have writer's block, I add a random fight scene. That's how the hostage situation happened in the first place. Good times.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5135236970488960756?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-70950839209487293112009-11-08T21:03:00.002-06:002009-11-08T21:14:36.215-06:00So I guess for this month this is turning into a NaNoWriMo blog of sorts. Today I'll talk about my characters and how they're a lot deeper than I originally suspected.<br /><br />So here's the basic plot of my novel. Paige answers a want ad for an assistant, but it turns out she's been recruited to be a sidekick to high-end thief, Claire Queen. They're constantly at odds with resident superhero, Hurricane, and his sidekick Obsidian. A powerful supervillain comes to town and kidnaps Hurricane and Claire, and the two sidekicks have to race against time (and a bloodthirsty mercenary) to get their bosses back.<br /><br />Paige is the kind of lead character I usually write. She's a smartass who doesn't care about anything. As such, she hasn't really mutinied against me. I can write her without problems. It's the secondary characters that are kicking my ass.<br /><br />Obsidian (AKA Owen) has two personalities: Owen as Owen, and Owen as Obsidian. Obsidian is a suave ladykiller player type. Owen was supposed to be Obsidian, but less aggressive and more nice. He is...not turning out that way. He apparently wants to be a nice, loquacious, socially awkward kinda guy. Think Piz from Veronica Mars. In the course of writing him, I stopped and thought, "I don't really like this..." but he is UTTERLY not the type of lead male I usually write, and I think the change will be good. So he's staying. Apparently, he enjoys being a sidekick for the anonymity it affords him, and he puts on the aggressive charmer front because he can't pull that personality off in real life, since he's so shy and awkward. Honestly, I don't write these characters. They take on a life of their own.<br /><br />Wellesley is the butler to Claire. He was just supposed to be a background character and a play on Alfred from Batman, but despite what I want, he's developed a personality. He's acting very jealous of Paige because she gets Claire's attention. I guess he has a crush on Claire or something. I don't really know. We'll see how that plays out.<br /><br />Paige's family, no matter how hard I try, is exactly like the family in Wonderfalls, or at least the siblings are. Paige is kind of like Jay, her sister is ambitious and uptight like Jay's sister, and her brother is cool and laidback, like Jay's brother. As I was writing them, I recall thinking, "wtf? I don't want them to be the Wonderfalls family!" But sadly, they are. <br /><br />I guess hidden depths are a good thing - they make characters three dimensional. But I wish I could be let in on these personality changes beforehand.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7095083920948729311?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-63499103984713306042009-11-07T14:14:00.004-06:002009-11-07T19:28:37.829-06:00Hey guys, I'm going to be posting my NaNo up here periodically. It's unedited so any continuity mistakes or trips to the DoRD are completely unintentional. Enjoy!<br /><br />Chapter 1<br />With great power comes great responsibility.<br />-Narration, Spiderman <br /><br /> Today, like most days, I overslept. My alarm clock mysteriously stopped beeping before I fully awoke. All right, I may press snooze repeatedly and then go back to bed, but it wasn’t my fault. I was half-asleep and had no control over my actions.<br /> My alarm clock beep beep beeped, an unholy sound that assaulted my ears and head. I let it ring for a few seconds as revenge on my roommates for partying on a weekday when I was trying to sleep and then indiscriminately pressed buttons until the sound ceased. I turned over and pulled the covers tighter around me. I really should have gone to class…but on the other hand, I was just so tired. Sleep was looking great right now.<br /> And then I remembered that I had a midterm that day. Dammit. The clock showed that I had about ten minutes to get to class. I jumped up and briefly felt a little dizzy at the sudden change in orientation. I grabbed some clothes and dashed to the bathroom. There was no time to shower and I resigned myself to a day of greasy hair. I pulled on my clothes as quickly as I could. As usual, my rat’s nest of curly auburn hair refused to behave when it was most important, and I sighed and pulled it back in a ponytail.<br /> "Good morning!" my roommate, Raina, said as I emerged from the bathroom. She was an overly perky Type-A personality who got up at seven every day to do homework. In other words, the complete antithesis of me. "I made pancakes, if you want some."<br /> Pancakes. Dear God. I glared at her and went to my room. I checked to make sure I had the essentials: pen, pencil, cheat sheets.<br /> I didn’t need the cheat sheets, really. I was perfectly capable of passing any test that I had to take. It was just…I didn’t like studying. There were other things to do. And really, when was I ever going to have to be able to recite details of the Henrician Reformation? It wasn’t like people regularly yelled, "Quick! Is there an amateur historian in the building?"<br /> Yes, I was getting a completely useless degree in history. Useless because you can’t do much with a history degree except get a PhD and teach, neither of which I wanted to do. Why history? I couldn’t tell you. I had to pick a major and that was the one that seemed like the easiest.<br /> "Paige, why won’t you try? I know you can do the work," my mother told me after being informed of another abysmal grade.<br /> "School’s a waste of time," I had muttered. We had had variations of the same conversation a million times. It had gotten to the point where it seemed scripted and we each had our lines. It was such a cliché: I didn’t want to go to school, but Mom refused to let me do nothing with my life, and so made me enrol in a university that I somehow got into, despise a history of poor high school grades.<br /> "You’ll never get anywhere in life unless you pull up those grades," she had told me. |Why don’t you join a club? Your school career will be so much better."<br /> "Uh huh," I said. The fun of joining clubs was just a delusion perpetrated by overachievers like my mother who tried to convince themselves that participating in something was psychologically satisfying.<br /> I had three minutes to get to class, and it was at least a ten minute walk. I broke into a sprint, my legs hating me every time they took a step. I finally arrived at the building and ran to my classroom. I slowly opened the door and looked inside. All 150 students were diligently working to fill in the little dots that decided the course of their lives. I tried to enter as quietly as possible. Of course, you could already hear a pin drop in the room so my arrival was immediately noticed. Most of the heads turned to stare at me, a disconcerting experience. I glared at everyone and walked down the aisle to my professor.<br /> "Hi," I said. She looked up, unamused. "Could I get a test paper?"<br /> "Paige, what did I say when I was talking about the exam last week?" she asked. I had no idea, but I sensed this wasn’t a rhetorical question.<br /> "Um…'Good luck on the exam next week'?" I tried hopefully.<br /> "I said that you wouldn’t be able to write the exam if you came late," she said sternly. "Every other student managed to make it on time. I’m not sure why you couldn’t."<br /> "Death in the family?" I tried.<br /> "Bull," she said. "Go home, Paige. Maybe if you get a 90% on the next exam, you’ll pass this class. But I doubt it. If you can’t take this class seriously, you shouldn’t be here." <br /> "But I’m only ten minutes late," I protested.<br /> "When does this class start?" she asked. I rolled my eyes.<br /> "Nine o’ clock," I said, already knowing where this was going.<br /> "And what time did you get in today?" she asked, as if talking to a five-year-old.<br /> "Nine ten," I said reluctantly.<br /> "That means you’re late," she said. "Go home." <br /> I didn’t say anything, just turned around and left. I stopped at a food stand and bought some doughnut holes. I hadn’t had breakfast, and I felt I deserved some doughnut holes after my crappy morning. I turned away from the stand and almost collided with a green spandex-clad man with a mask and cape. I watched him run by, confused, and briefly had the thought that unless you had a really nice behind, you shouldn’t be wearing skintight clothing. A few seconds after the masked man ran by, two more appeared.<br /> The first I recognized. Hurricane was Arrington’s resident superhero. He was wearing a red spandex suit, filled out nicely by his overly sculpted physique. He had black briefs over his tights, held in place by a gold belt. A black cape fluttered behind him and his red boots clunked on the floor as he ran. His red mask covered half his face, but left everything below his nose uncovered. Arrington had been his territory for about ten years now. He regularly appeared at elementary schools to talk about the dangers of crime, and he was the kind of guy who climbed up to get cats out of trees. He had become less of a novelty than he was - in a time when everyone loved anti-heroes like Batman, he was becoming more and more of a do-gooder cliché. But he was good for tourism and he kept the crime rate down, so he was left alone.<br /> Following him was someone that I didn’t recognize. He was dressed in some kind of black shiny material and big black boots. He had a silver belt, from which hung several pouches. His mask, as well, covered about half his face. I watched as he ran away and noted that he was one person who could pull off tights. He was no David Bowie, but still.<br /> "What’s going on?" I asked the doughnut worker, who shrugged. I ran after them, stoked for some actual excitement in this place.<br /> "Release him, evildoer!" Hurricane thundered. I rolled my eyes. Evildoer? I could see the green-suited man just inside one of the science labs. He had an arm wound tightly around a researcher’s neck. A small crowd was gathering. I pushed my way to the front, ignoring angry looks. Hurricane was trying to placate the man, his companion silent beside him.<br /> Obviously, talking to the guy wasn’t working. Hurricane had super-strength and super-speed, so why wouldn’t he just punch the guy out? But of course, Hurricane wanted to do everything without hurting people. Which I guess wasn’t a bad thing, but it would end this whole thing a lot faster.<br /> "He killed my brother!" the spandex-suited villain said.<br /> "The lab explosion was an accident!" the researcher protested. "I wasn’t even there!"<br /> "You could have been there and stopped it, and maybe he would be alive now!" the villain said. "I have to avenge him!"<br /> Hurricane wasn’t going to take this guy out. But maybe if I distracted the guy, someone else would take him out. I reached into my box of doughnut holes and chucked one at his head. It connected solidly with his forehead and he stopped, looking out at the crowd. I started looking around too, pretending it wasn’t me. The black-clad superhero looked straight at me and I could see his mouth twitching.<br /> "I’ll distract him," I mouthed, using elaborate hand gestures that conveyed exactly nothing. "You take him down!" I glanced at Hurricane, who was still trying to talk him down. The stranger spread out his arms in a gesture of confusion. I took out another doughnut hole and mimed throwing it. I then pointed at him and mimed a punch. The stranger turned back to the villain, and I had to hope that he had understood me. I threw another doughnut hole, which collided with his chest.<br /> "Who’s doing that!" the villain demanded, looking out at the crowd. I tried to look as innocent as possible, but I wasn’t sure if it was working. As the villain scanned the crowd, the stranger ran forward and punched the villain in the face. Hurricane looked shocked and reached forward to stop the stranger. The villain let go of the researcher and back away, holding his nose. Hurricane went to the researcher and led him to the side, away from the action. The two of them easily subdued the overwrought villain. At this point, the police had shown up and two of them led the villain away.<br /> Well, there was my good deed for the day. I turned around to leave, but the stranger was standing in front of me, blocking my exit.<br /> "You owe me some doughnut holes," I said.<br /> "That was a pretty gutsy move," he said in a deep voice. I felt sure that couldn’t be his real voice - it was too Clint Eastwood.<br /> "What, throwing doughnuts at a lame villain?" I said. "It wasn’t that gutsy. Someone had to help that poor dude though - Hurricane sure wasn’t." <br /> "Hurricane would have handled it. Eventually," the stranger said. "He enjoys being irenic."<br /> "Hurricane’s idea of fighting villains is to lecture them about wrongdoing," I said.<br /> "What’s your name?" he suddenly asked, moving in closer. I suddenly wished I had worn makeup that day. "Maybe I’ll see you again." So cheesy and predictable.<br /> "I’m sure," I said derisively. "We’ll go out for dinner! The maitre d’ will ask you to take off your mask but you can’t. Ho ho ho, what a farce. Then we’ll kiss upside down and I’ll be worried about your safety all the time. So not interested in masked guys who think they’re oh-so-mysterious and attractive." I tried to step around him but he moved so that he was blocking my exit again.<br /> "What, did Stan Lee kill your dog or something?" he asked. "I think that was an unnecessarily harsh response."<br /> "How about you tell me who you are?" I asked.<br /> "I’m supposed to remain mysterious and unknown," he said.<br /> "Having a conversation with me is really helping with that," I said.<br /> "Obsidian Boy!" Hurricane called. The stranger looked up, wincing at the ‘Boy’ part. "We have to go." Obsidian Boy turned back to me, sheepish.<br /> "So much for being mysterious," I said. "Bye, Obsidian Boy."<br /> "It’s just Obsidian," he muttered.<br /> "Um, I don’t know, I heard Obsidian Boy," I said.<br /> "Tell me your name," he said.<br /> "Sorry," I said. "I want to remain mysterious." I waved mockingly, and he left to join Hurricane, looking back once at me.<br /> I went home and flopped down on the couch, flipping on the TV to some kind of sci-fi movie of the week.<br /> "Eeeeeeeee! The Hills is on!" my other roommate, Cat, squealed as she ran into the living room. I cringed as her piercing voice threatened my ear drums with perforation.<br /> "Dude, I’m watching <span style="font-style: italic;">Blob Monsters From Outer Space</span>," I said. "Can you keep it down? I’m trying to take in the majesty of this treasured piece of cinema."<br /> "But it’s the season finaleeeee!" she whined. "Pleeeeeeease?"<br /> "Oh, whatever," I grumbled, getting up and retreating to my room. I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, when the harsh ring of the phone interrupted my reverie. I turned over and propped myself up on one arm, reaching for the phone.<br /> "Paige, sweetie!" my mom said in an impossibly chipper voice.<br /> "Hi mom," I said. I put the old-style phone on my bed so that I could lay on my bed comfortably.<br /> "How was your midterm?" she asked. I had a flashback to an attempted mother-daughter bonding session in which I mentioned this midterm. I immediately regretted it.<br /> "Um…it was okay," I said, falling back on my default setting with her: lying. I hoped she would forget about it.<br /> "You skipped it, didn’t you?" she asked suddenly, her voice still chipper, only it took on a more indefinable, dangerous quality.<br /> "No! Kind of," I admitted. "I overslept! And I was only ten minutes late, but she wouldn’t let me write it."<br /> "Paige, you need to learn to take responsibility for yourself," she sighed. "You never seem to think that the things you do have consequences, but they do!" Her voice softened. "I just want you to succeed. Look at your sister and brother! Do you think they would be where they are if they didn’t try?"<br /> Both my older siblings had gotten all my mom’s ambition and enthusiasm, leaving none for me. My sister was a prominent photojournalist for the local newspaper, and she had freelanced for several other important magazines and papers. My brother had a PhD in English and was the youngest professor ever hired at the university that I now attended. Both were involved in a copious number of clubs and organizations all throughout high school and university. Both were in the top 10% of their classes.<br /> "But Mom, they like participating. They’re ambitious. That’s just not me."<br /> "Paige, it’s getting to the point where I’m not even sure it’s worth it to fund your education."<br /> "Mom!" I exclaimed. "I can’t pay for this by myself!" I supposed I should have been happy that my mom was basically saying I could quit. But the prospect of going out and actually figuring out my life was too terrifying. I wanted to stay in the comfortable cocoon of school for now. Better the devil you know, right?<br /> "I think it’s time you started taking responsibility," she said. "Dad and I want you to pay part of your expenses."<br /> "I’ll never be able to afford that!" I exclaimed.<br /> "Then I guess you’ll have to get a job," she said. "You can work weekends. It’s not like you’re spending a lot of time on schoolwork anyway."<br /> "Where am I supposed to get a job?" I demanded.<br /> "There are something called the want ads in the paper," she said. "That might be a good start."<br /> "Not appreciating the snark," I muttered.<br /> "Honestly, Paige, what do you expect?" she said. "You can’t expect to go through life putting in zero effort."<br /> "Fine, fine," I said. "I’ll get a job."<br /> "Call me when you find one," she said.<br /> "I’d love to," I said sarcastically.<br /> "Remember, we’re all getting together for dinner tonight. I hope you’ll be there."<br /> I sighed. “Uh huh."<br /> "Bye."<br /> "Bye."<br /> I hung up and pulled my computer toward me, checking the want ads online. Dishwasher…touching other people’s half-eaten food and being on my feet eight hours a day? No thanks. Waitress…definitely not. I would probably kill a customer. Retail clerk…meh. <br /> Wanted: Assistant. High pay. Flexible hours. Females only between the ages of 18-22.<br /> High pay and flexible hours? That sounded great to me. Well, “great” would be not working at all, but this sounded about as good as I could get. What did assistants do, anyway? Fetch coffee, right? And took notes and stuff. The “females only” part was sketchy: what if it was some perverted old dude? Well, there was no harm in calling and finding out.<br /> "Hello?" a man answered.<br /> "Yeah, I’m calling about the job?" I said.<br /> "Are you between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two?" he asked.<br /> "Yes…"<br /> "Name?"<br /> "Paige Parker. Um, I was just wondering-"<br /> "You’ll receive instructions for the interview tomorrow." There was a click as he hung up on me.<br /> "Huh," I said, staring at the phone. "Curiouser and curiouser."<br /><br /> As I stood outside my parents’ house, it suddenly hit home that I really didn’t want to be here. Oh, I loved my family and I believed they wanted what was best for me, but it was still irritating to hear them talk about what was going on in their lives and then pretend to be interested in mine.<br /> "Hello?" I called as I tentatively opened the door. The homey smell of cooking food wafted out at me and I breathed in deeply. I never realized until I came home how much dorm food sucked. It almost - almost - made me excited to see my family.<br /> "Little sister!" my brother exclaimed.<br /> "Ethan!" I shouted. Okay, I kind of lied: I was always happy to see my brother. Well, almost always. He swept me up in a hug that lifted me off the floor.<br /> "How’s school? I hear mom’s not that happy with you. She’s been doing that sighing thing ever since I got here."<br /> "I overslept and missed a midterm," I grumbled. "Not a big deal."<br /> "Missing a midterm is kind of a big deal," he said. "You’ll probably fail the class."<br /> “Tomato tomahto,” I said.<br /> "I don't think that means what you think it means," he said.<br /> "Ah well," I said. "Where’s the rest of the family unit?"<br /> "In the kitchen," he said. “Anna’s leaving on an assignment to some Middle Eastern country or something tomorrow. The parents are very proud."<br /> "Of course," I said. "I’ll probably regret coming home within the next five minutes."<br /> "Probably," he said. "But just come get it over with and in a few hours you can leave."<br /> My brother was the kind of guy who broke hearts. He was tall with styled brown hair, pale skin, and a huge smile. We looked nothing alike, what with my tangle of auburn curls, moderately tanned skin, and short stature. Most people didn’t believe that we were related.<br /> My sister also had curly hair, only hers was darker than mine and she got up two hours early in the morning to obsessively straighten it. She had dark brown eyes and a thin face. She preferred a more classic wardrobe than me: blazers, tailored jeans, button down shirts. I was still in the student uniform of jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies.<br /> "Paige!" my mother exclaimed as Ethan and I walked into the kitchen. "How are you?"<br /> "Fine, mom," I said through a pasted on smile. "Hi, Dad." <br /> "Kiddo!" he said without getting up from his chair. "How are you?"<br /> "Can’t complain," I said. "Hey Anna. I hear you’re going to off somewhere on assignment."<br /> She probably wasn’t trying to be smug, but that was the vibe I got from her.<br /> "One of the other photographers got the flu and she can’t leave the country," she said. "So I get to go!"<br /> "It’s a big deal," my mom said. "If she gets some good shots, other magazines might want to buy them." <br /> "War photos are very lucrative," Anna added. "What’s going on with you, Paige? I hear you skipped a midterm. That’ll get you the scholarships!"<br /> I bristled. "Oh, shut up, Anna," I said, sitting down in a wheeled chair and idly turning in circles. "We can’t all be annoying overachievers."<br /> "Maybe I can get you some kind of gopher job with the magazine," she said. "Mom says she’s not paying for all of your tuition anymore."<br /> Okay, scratch that. She was definitely aspiring to be smug.<br /> "Thanks, but I don’t need your help, Anna," I said. "It just so happens that I have an interview tomorrow."<br /> "An interview?" my dad asked.<br /> "For what?" my mom asked eagerly.<br /> "A job as an assistant," I said.<br /> "What kind of assistant?" Ethan asked.<br /> "I’m…not altogether sure," I said.<br /> "For who?" my dad asked.<br /> "Um…I don’t know," I said.<br /> "What kind of pay?" my mom asked.<br /> "High pay, apparently," I said.<br /> "Nothing more specific?" Anna asked.<br /> "Not at this juncture," I said.<br /> "Paige, are you making this up?" my mom demanded. "I won’t get mad if you aren’t able to find a job immediately, you know."<br /> "No!" I exclaimed. "I found this thing in the newspaper. They haven’t been very forthcoming, but I have an interview tomorrow, so that’s something."<br /> "Do you need any particular skills?" Anna wanted to know.<br /> "Uh…you need to be female. Between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two," I said. I regretted imparting this information immediately. My mother’s eyes widened.<br /> "Paige! Are you sure this isn’t some sort of…of…"<br /> "Way to recruit prostitutes?" Anna finished.<br /> "Don’t talk about prostitutes," my mom admonished. "But still…Paige…are you sure this is…you know. On the up and up?"<br /> "It’s not an ad for a prostitute!" I snapped truculently. "It’s for an assistant."<br /> "That could mean anything," Ethan said. "Magician’s assistant, janitor’s assistant, friggin’ circus ringmaster assistant…"<br /> "I don’t think ringmasters have assistants, Ethan," my mom said mildly.<br /> "I guess we’ll see tomorrow," I said. "Can we talk about something else now?"<br /><br /> I got off at my subway stop and walked the two blocks home in the dark. It wasn’t that late - only about ten - but I still got a little creeped out walking around outside after sunset. I pulled my keys out of my purse and held them in my hand. I didn’t know any self-defense techniques and I didn’t know where to get pepper spray, so my main method if I ever had to protect myself would be to attack an assailant’s eyes with my metal keys. Which would probably be ineffective, because I knew in the event of a fight I would be taken out immediately.<br /> I heard footsteps behind me and glanced back. I sighed as I saw that it was a couple walking behind me. I was just being overly jumpy. I jumped again when I saw something move in the shadows beside me. My heart started beating so loudly that I could hear it. I glanced to the side but saw nothing. I checked both ways before crossing the street to the other side. I clutched my keys tighter in my hand, and the crenulations dug into my palm. I shakily took out my cell phone. If I could just get my mom or someone to talk to me until I got home, I would be okay. My cell phone slipped out of my hands and fell to the cement with a clatter and I cursed myself. I was acting exactly like those stupid blondes who always died in horror movies. I bent down, picked up my phone, and started texting my brother.<br /> "You’re out a little late," someone said from behind me. I started and on reflex from my jumpiness I threw a sucker punch that connected with the stranger’s chin. "Ow!"<br /> It was Obsidian. He held a hand to his chin and smiled ruefully at me.<br /> "Obsidian Boy?" I demanded. "Are you…following me? Way to go all Edward Cullen. Creepy." I put my keys back in my bag.<br /> "It’s just Obsidian," he corrected, falling into step beside me. "And I wasn’t following you. I didn’t even know it was you until just now."<br /> "You still owe me some doughnuts," I said.<br /> "You’re never going to let go of that, are you?" he asked. "I didn’t ask you to throw the doughnut holes."<br /> "But if I didn’t, you would never have gotten that researcher back alive," I said.<br /> "We would have gotten him eventually," Obsidian protested.<br /> "Who are you?" I non sequitured, pretty certain that I wouldn’t be getting a straight answer. Superheroes were tricky. Everyone knew of Hurricane, but nobody really knew him. "Arrington is Hurricane’s turf. So what, you’re pulling a Justice League or something? Teaming up?"<br /> "Something like that," he said vaguely.<br /> "Teaming up for what purpose? To take down small-time revenge-seeking wannabes? Something tells me Hurricane can handle that by himself."<br /> Obsidian was silent.<br /> "Yeah, yeah, you have to be the mysterious superhero," I said. "I get it." I stopped as we reached the walkway to my dorm. “This is me. Um…thanks, for walking me home, I guess?” I wasn’t quite sure what to say to a superhero who had walked me home. The whole thing was a little uncomfortable. I dug into my purse to get my keys and when I looked up, Obsidian was gone.<br /> "Huh," I said. "I wonder how they always manage to do that." I found my keys and walked inside.<br /> Arrington wasn’t any worse for crime than any other place. Hurricane did his thing and the crime rate went down. Hurricane’s rogues gallery wasn’t great - they were mostly small time hoods. Hoods. I was even talking like a comic book character.<br /> Well, I guess the whole "small time hoods" thing wasn’t that accurate. There was also Siege Spinner. She was a big-time thief, sort of a Robin Hood figure. She only stole from banks or very wealthy people. She was a classy type- as far as the media could tell, she refused to kill. Occasionally, charities would get anonymous donations, speculated to be from Siege Spinner. But the fact remained, she did illegal things, and she was a thorn in the side of the police department. Hurricane was constantly trying to bring her to justice, but it never seemed to work. Still, she wasn’t constantly trying to take over the world or anything. <br /> So if Hurricane’s criminals weren’t out of hand or particularly difficult to manage, why was he teaming up with a new superhero? What did they both have to gain? And more importantly, did they know something that we, the inhabitants of Arrington, didn’t?<br /><br />And that's the end of chapter 1!<br /><br />Any writer will tell you that you have almost no control over what the characters do. Case in point: In my NaNovel last year, a new MC popped up out of nowhere and wouldn't leave, and my plot turned out way different than planned. I started another novel that was supposed to be like 13 interconnecting short stories, but that didn't happen either. Here's another example. So, there's this high class thief who recruits Paige to be her sidekick. The thief (Claire) has a butler named Wellesley. He was intended to be just a one-dimensional butler character. Apparently he has some kind of crush on Claire, and it seems like they had a thing once, and he's jealous that Paige is taking Claire's attention from him. THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. I think Wellesley is just vying for more page time. Also, he seems to really vehemently dislike Paige. To the point where he might be planning her death or something. WELLESLEY YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS MANY DIMENSIONS.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6349910398471330604?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-77451772810506139352009-11-05T16:10:00.002-06:002009-11-05T18:51:56.616-06:00Edit: Someone left a puzzling comment on this post. I don't understand its significance.<br /><br />I only have three chapters left so I'm getting this shit done in one fell swoop so I can concentrate on my NaNo and actual school work.<br /><br />CHAPTER 23<br /><br />Buck goes to Chicago and is greeted by a young woman in "sensible shoes." APPARENTLY this is slang somewhere for "lesbian" but if this wasn't a conscious decision on the part of Jenkins, why in the world would you describe someone as having sensible shoes?<br /><br />Anyhoo, this woman is showing resourcefulness, independence, and whatever the opposite of submission is. Naturally, she will have a tragic ending.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"This is the world we've always wanted it and hoped it would be!"</span><br />Yeah, Buck, what's the matter? This is the world we've always wanted, with a third of the inhabitants (including all children) gone! And supposedly there's chaos and death everywhere! What's wrong with you? This world is awesome!<br /><br />Chloe is like a Stepford Wife after her conversion. Before she was independent and had her own mind. Now she's all smiley and buys completely into whatever Rayford and Bruce tell her. It's freaky.<br /><br />It's always such a shock whenever people talk about Bruce's youth, because I ALWAYS imagine him as Rene Angelil.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Your friends, the Steeles, told me you might call," Bruce said.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck was struck by his honesty. In the world in which Buck moved, he might have kept that information to himself, that edge.</span><br />What edge? What edge does knowing that Buck might call give Bruce? And why would Buck think that Bruce, a pastor of a small church, would need an edge?<br /><br />LMAO. Buck, Buck, Buck. Bruce is telling Buck about his history, about becoming a pastor but not really accepting Christ. And then Buck interrupts and asks if Bruce wants to know more about him. WHAT. First, who narcissistic is that? "Hey, you want to know more about me?" Second, YOU DON'T DO THAT IN INTERVIEWS. I thought Buck was the bestest reporter in the world! And yet he doesn't even know any rudimentary interviewing rules.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"He had feared Bruce was about to pop the question."</span><br />Yes, technically you can pop ANY question, but when have you seen that phrase outside stories about marriage proposal?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"But I have enough energy to go to midnight if you do."</span><br />Remember what I said about taking any line and making it into a that's what she said joke? Yeah.<br /><br />Suddenly, Bruce is sure that Carpathia is the Antichrist. Wasn't it a few chapters ago that he wasn't sure or he didn't think so or something? CONTINUITY, JENKINS.<br /><br />CHAPTER 24<br /><br />Last chapter, Steve had asked Buck to bring Hattie to the Antichrist and this completely weirded Buck out, and he likened himself to a pimp. So, engineering it so you get the seat on a plane beside a girl you hardly know isn't creepy, but organizing a meeting between your two friends is?<br /><br />Apparently Steve thought Buck was "the toughest bird dog" he ever sent on a story. Bird dog?<br /><br />Buck and Steve proceed to have a coded phone message that will fool exactly no one, outside of infants and severely mentally damaged people. Here's what I mean. Buck is trying to get Steve to admit who he REALLY works for.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"You work for the Romanian businessman?"</span><br />GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"And I shouldn't broach the subject with him, in spite of the fact that I'm a writer who covers all bases and asks the tough questions?"</span><br />Writer? Wrong.<br />Covers all bases? Wrong.<br />Asks tough questions? Wrong.<br />Buck is the most unself-aware person I have ever had the displeasure of reading about.<br /><br />BUCK IS SO STUPID. Bruce mentions that he thought Carpathia came from a mountainous region because of his name. Buck's all, "Durrrr...his name?" DUH, YOU DUMBASS, THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS. Let's add "Carpathian" to the words he doesn't know the meaning of, in addition to "tape" and "how".<br /><br />Hattie's got some BACKBONE, people! Buck calls her to advise her not to go visit Carpathia, and he says he's doing it "as a friend."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"You're not my friend, Buck. It was obvious you didn't even like me. I tried to shove you off onto Rayford Steele's little girl, and I'm not even sure you had the brains to pick up on that."</span><br />It's obvious here that they're trying to portray Hattie as some kind of hellish bitch, but the only thing running through my mind is, YOU GO GIRL. Dare I say it? I almost kind of love her. I guess now that Chloe's gone ("She's dead, Jim) I have to like a character just to keep from self-harm, and Hattie's it.<br /><br />Chloe mentions to her father that she wants to invite Hattie for lunch, and Rayford's all, "I thought you didn't even like her." Since when? I thought they were kind of buddies. Didn't they go to the beauty salon together or something?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Others had noticed his [Buck's] purposeful stride.</span><br />This is something Buck and I have in common, and that makes me pretty unhappy. Apparently I "walk with purpose". The only difference is I'm not vain about this. Why would you be? Why would one of your selling points be a "purposeful stride"?<br /><br />Didn't everyone love Carpathia once upon a time? It seems really sudden that everyone is so suspicious of him.<br /><br />CHAPTER 25<br /><br />Almost done, guys. Almost done.<br /><br />This whole thing at the UN becomes funnier once you realize that LaHaye believes the UN is an agent of Satan. Here's what else he thinks is just a front for Satan:<br />Planned Parenthood<br />Some organization that is a proponent of equality<br />The State Department<br />Major foundations (Carnegie and Ford, etc)<br />the UN<br />Left wing politicians<br />Various Ivy League schools<br /><br />So basically, people who want equality, proponents of global peace, proponents of education, and organizations whose purpose is to help children whose parents can't take care of them.<br />Tim LaHaye is batshit. His views on homosexuality are vile. From Wikipedia:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">In 1978 LaHaye published </span><i style="font-style: italic;">The Unhappy Gays</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> , which was later retitled </span><i style="font-style: italic;">What Everyone Should Know About Homosexuality</i><span style="font-style: italic;">. The book called </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality" title="Homosexuality">homosexuals</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> "militant, organized" and "vile."</span><sup style="font-style: italic;" id="cite_ref-13" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-13"><span></span><span></span></a></sup> <i style="font-style: italic;">The Unhappy Gays</i><span style="font-style: italic;"> also argues that gays share 16 pernicious traits, including "incredible promiscuity," "deceit," "selfishness," "vulnerability to </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism" title="Sadomasochism">sadism-masochism</a><span style="font-style: italic;">" and "poor health and an early death." He speculates whether those who accept gays even though they are so unhappy or "those who practiced </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Testament" title="Old Testament">Old Testament</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital_punishment" title="Capital punishment">capital punishment</a><span style="font-style: italic;">" on gays are more "cruel and inhuman." He has called the book "a model of compassion.<span style="text-decoration: underline;">"</span></span><sup style="font-style: italic;" id="cite_ref-cloud_3-1" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-cloud-3"><span></span><span></span></a></sup><span style="font-style: italic;"> He believes that homosexuality can be cured.</span><sup style="font-style: italic;" id="cite_ref-nndb_2-5" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-nndb-2"><span> </span><span></span></a></sup><sup style="font-style: italic;" id="cite_ref-14" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-14"><span></span><span></span></a></sup><sup style="font-style: italic;" id="cite_ref-moser_15-0" class="reference"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-moser-15"><span></span><span></span></a></sup><span style="font-style: italic;">However, he says that such conversions are rare.</span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Lahaye#cite_note-16"><span></span></a><br /><br />His wife is equally crazy. I think she runs some kind of organization that is anti-feminist, and also hates gays:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"In a mailing sent to the group's members she wrote that gays and </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbian" title="Lesbian">lesbians</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> "want their depraved 'values' to become our children's values. Homosexuals expect society to embrace their immoral way of life. Worse yet, they are looking for new recruits!""</span><br /><br />Look, I'm friends with gay people. IN NO WAY are they looking to "recruit" anyone. I have never heard of ANY gay people being like, "Come be gay too! It's fun!" You know? That's so crazy.<br /><br />Anyway, back to Left Behind.<br /><br />Hattie is now Carpathia's personal assistant. Carpathia seems to think that he now employs Buck, but I'm not sure why.<br /><br />I...kind of like Damien. He's...kind of badass. I feel a little nauseated admitting liking anyone and twice in one post is a little much. Anyway, he's getting ready to kill Stonagal, who's some businessman guy. I don't know. Anyway, he's like to Hattie, "Move your chair back, don't want you to get dirty." It's at least a passable attempt at writing a badass character, and I have to give Jenkins that.<br /><br />So Damien kills Stonagal and Todd-Cothran (another businessman. Or something). Damien then brainwashes everyone into believing that Stonagal took the security guard's gun and killed Todd-Cothran. <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"...Jonathan Stonagal told me as recently as at breakfast this morning that he felt personally responsible for two recent deaths in England and that he could no longer live with the guilt."</span><br />How was he responsible? For being British?<br /><br />Anyhoo, Buck isn't affected by Damien's voodoo because he has God on his side! But shit, what's he going to do when they question him? He says nothing and Damien puts words in his mouth. Okay, yeah, THAT WAS LUCKY. So Buck calls Steve, who doesn't remember Buck being in the room when the "suicide" happened. Why would Damien brainwash Steve to think that? It seems pointless.<br /><br />Uh oh. Bailey demoted Cameron, who now is working for the chick with the sensible shoes in Chicago. Buck won't like that.<br /><br />And...that's the end. You know, I don't even KNOW if that was more tedious than Twilight. Twilight is my measurement of horrible books, but Left Behind seems to be in a category of its own. I might go look for the second book and/or the movie sometime. But for now I won't be posting as much because of NaNoWriMo.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7745177281050613935?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-35497357196893468072009-11-04T14:35:00.003-06:002009-11-04T15:21:20.302-06:00This is not related at all to this post, but I think we're overdue for a bad movie on here. I've done a lot of books, and I like to shake things up every so often (with mixed results...All-Star Batman, anyone?) and I think we need to add some colour. I might do "Alien Apocalypse" starring the king of cheese himself, Bruce Campbell.<br /><br />Just had a good idea: what about bad television episodes? I'm unsure how many I have here (a lot of my DVDs are at home) but I know there are a few terrible X-Files episodes I could make fun of (my least favourites: Hell Money, Grotesque, Milagro [featuring the CREEPY CREEPY SCULLY STALKER]) Also, both X-Files movies are candidates. I love them to death but they make no goddamn sense.<br /><br />Anyhoo.<br /><br />CHAPTER 21<br /><br />Buck has to go to Chicago to replace Lucinda, but he thinks that nonexciting developments at the UN are more important than doing his job. I mean, we all know he won't actually WRITE anything, so it's pretty useless following up on the whole Carpathia thing.<br /><br />How fucking CREEPED OUT would you be if a reporter ten years your senior interviewed your dad and then OUT OF NOWHERE was suddenly creepily obsessed with you? You'd be creeped out.<br /><br />Here's what I mean: he gets a cheap seat and then upgrades to be near Chloe. I can't describe how creepy Buck is acting.<br /><br />Chloe is "radiant" and it's "clear she went to a beauty salon." Because, you know, when a third of the world disappears, your first instinct should be vanity.<br /><br />It's important to note here that Chloe is "looking five years older." So that Buck doesn't seem like as much of a cradle robber.<br /><br />Side note: I'm watching The House on Haunted Hill (1959 version) and Elisha Cook, Jr. is in it. At this point, it had been about fifteen years since he was in The Maltese Falcon, but his acting style is exactly the same. He always seems slightly baffled, like he doesn't quite know what's going on. And he's ALWAYS so earnest. It's rather endearing.<br /><br />Here's the problem with writing a character that is the best in the world at anything: clearly, the person WRITING the character is not the best in the world at, say, reporting, otherwise they would be reporting. The character's talent outweighs the writer's talent, so it's very hard to write a credible expert unless you have talent in the field. Buck is supposed to be the best interviewer in the world, but Jenkins glides right over that and if he actually has Buck TALKING, it's very rudimentary questions and technique.<br /><br />Rayford gives his little proselytizing speech and Buck is INSTANTLY hooked. Like, no questioning, no skepticism. This is God, no doubt about it. I feel like a reporter would be a little more skeptical, especially the best investigate reporter in the world. Wouldn't he, you know, investigate the claim?<br /><br />Chloe is crying for some reason, and Buck's all, "Women. What was with them?"<br /><br />Buck asks Rayford something off the record. This is what I've learned in journalism: you never, EVER, volunteer off the record. You fight for on the record, and it doesn't matter if it makes your source hate you. And yet Buck volunteers off the record. <br /><br />CHAPTER 22<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck could not sleep. Partly because he was excited about his morning surprise.</span><br />So...correct me if I'm wrong here...but did we just get an implied description of Buck's morning wood?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He could only hope that Chloe would be happy about it.</span><br />I feel like this whole first paragraph is a "that's what she said joke". <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The larger part of his mind reeled with wonder.</span><br />Heh. And again.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It already seemed as if he were living in a science fiction thriller.</span><br />Is this...lampshading? I didn't think Jenkins knew what that was.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck was on a quest now, looking to satisfy deep needs.</span><br />Pick a sentence at random, and you can turn it into a "that's what she said joke."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">...It didn't make any difference how good Buck was..."</span><br />See? It totally works!<br /><br />BUCK IS SO CREEPY. So he has the seat next to Chloe, but she doesn't know. And he's sitting there waiting for her to turn and see him. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING CREEPY THAT WOULD BE? You just met this guy who's ten years older than you and he manipulates events so that he gets the seat next to you and then he doesn't even tell you, he just waits for you to notice? I would get a restraining order.<br /><br />LET ME REPEAT THIS: BUCK IS SO GODDAMN CREEPY.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"It wasn't hard once I knew your flight time, and I said I was travelling with you to get next to you."</span> <br />SO CREEPY.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Buck, there's no other explanation for those two guys in Jerusalem, is there, except they have to be the two witnesses talked about in the Bible?"</span><br />Uh huh, noooooooooo other explanation.<br /><br />According to Chloe, independence and thinking for yourself are terrible traits. Never have them or you'll burn in Hell.<br /><br />Guys...we lost Chloe.<br /><br />Chloe was "awful" to Rayford by not giving in to his rabid and fanatical proselytizing and by maintaining independence and free will. Huh. I'm not sure I like the values this book is teaching me.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-3549735719689346807?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-57086766219661494292009-11-03T12:56:00.002-06:002009-11-03T14:06:03.103-06:00I totally don't remember writing a blog post yesterday, but apparently I did.<br /><br />Anyway, I'll be done this shit this week, yo. Super pumped for that.<br /><br />CHAPTER 19<br /><br />Rayford is talking about it being "chaos" from now on. What chaos? I haven't seen any chaos. ALLEGEDLY, there were a shitload of plane crashes and stuff, but we didn't see any of that. Rayford's work schedule has continued as normal. There were those burglars, but that's pretty much been forgotten. Rayford gets groceries and goes out for Chinese like normal. Nothing's changed.<br /><br />Rayford describes his thing with Bruce as a "relationship." Technically, that's correct, but it just makes me think that Rayford suddenly turned gay.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Plank, I like you. You've been a superstar to me."</span><br />Really? This is Plank's boss talking. So far, all Plank's done is assign stories that aren't getting done and then forget about them, and resign from his job as editor. Good job, Plank.<br /><br />Btw, Steve-O is getting six figures for being an editor of a magazine. Somehow, that seems extravagant.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"He said this guy intended to take a different approach - you know, zig when everyone was zagging. Miller was doing a story on the meaning behind the disappearances, which I know you were planning for an issue or two from now."</span><br />So let's get this straight. Miller was being a complete nonconformist...by writing about the disappearances. So basically, a third of the world disappears into thin air, and NO ONE decided that was big enough news to talk about, and Miller was being a complete cowboy here? ALSO, the big issue about the disappearances was being planned a few issues from the present. Here is what I've learned in journalism classes: when news happens, you fucking talk about it. I'm assuming this is a monthly magazine. They're going to talk about the disappearances two months after the fact? No journalist would <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span> even <span style="font-style: italic;">think </span>of doing that. Here's an example of how anal newspapers are about this shit: we read a story about the anniversary of a big explosion or sinking or something of a ship in the harbour near Toronto. The Star did this story a day BEFORE the actual anniversary, just so they would get the story out before the Globe. Big shit like mass disappearances happen, you don't wait two months to do a cover story. Nobody will give a shit by then. Plus, if you get it out RIGHT AWAY it's still fresh in people's minds and they'll buy new issues. This is my first year of journalism, and I'd even make a better editor than Steve. His instincts are shit. <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck suddenly realized that Steve knew everything.</span><br />Well that came right the fuck out of nowhere.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"I thought we beat Time and everyone else on our coverage of the actual event."</span><br />WHAT COVERAGE? THERE HAS BEEN NO COVERAGE AS OF YET.<br /><br />CHAPTER 20<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase- "She's a doll", "pooh-poohed."</span><br />This timeline is so weird. It was established a few chapters ago, when Damien was giving his speech, that he was already People's Sexiest Man Alive. And now Hattie is meeting with Rayford saying that Damien <span style="font-style: italic;">is going</span> to be named Sexiest Man Alive. I'm confused.<br /><br />Everyone talks like they're stuck in 1955. Buck asks Hattie to introduce him to Rayford because he wants to interview him. Hattie's all, "You should meet his daughter! She's a real doll." WHO DOES THIS? So, I'm meeting with my boss and his 20 year old daughter. Some guy (who's like 30? And also I'm not really friends with him) wants to be introduced. It wouldn't even OCCUR to me to try to match the daughter and this guy. That's so weird.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"He's [Buck] doing an interview and he wants to talk to you."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Really? Me? About what?"</span> <br />TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS, RAYFORD.<br /><br />Fred Clark (who writes the Slacktivist) is so right. This book is roughly 85% phone conversations.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"It would to get your perspective as a professional and as someone who was right in the middle of the turmoil when it happened."</span><br />A third of the world is gone. Wouldn't EVERYONE be in the middle of the turmoil when it happened?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck was stunned. He loved Chloe's name, her eyes, her smile. She looked directly at him and gave him a firm handshake, something he liked in a woman. [...] What a beautiful girl! he thought. He had been tempted to tell Captain Steele that, as of the next day, he would no longer be a writer but would be executive editor. But he feared that would sound like bragging, not complaining, so he had said nothing.</span><br /><br />This reminds me of something I read. PurpleCow writes really weird speed stories and then comments on them. They're probably one of the most hilarious things on the internet. This is an excerpt:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Before long Dax said, "I'm going home," and he laughed, and Della realized she missed him a lot. </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe she was falling in love. Kathunk kathunk. That was the sound of her heart falling. It was truly beautiful. She loved Dax. He must not love her, though, because he just left her.</span><br /><br />That's what I thought of immediately. Both love realization scenes are so awkward, stilted, and badly thought out. The different is that PurpleCow knows the writing is terrible, and that's what makes it hilarious. Jerry B. Jenkins, on the other hand, thinks he's actually writing a cute love story.<br /><br />Also, why would Buck randomly tell his interviewee that he's going to be an editor? And why is it better to complain than brag? And there's a weird space between when Buck is meeting Rayford and he goes, "This is your daughter?" and then all the stuff about how he loves Chloe's smile and shit. Spaces between paragraphs in narratives are used to convey a POV change or time passing. Neither has happened, so why is the space there?<br /><br />Buck interviews Chloe and is all shy and awkward. Also, they're doing the interview while people watching and window shopping. That seems counterintuitive to me.<br /><br />Hee hee. Jenkins uses the phrase "pooh-poohed."<br /><br />This is sooooooo awkward!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"You feel like a cookie?" she asked.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Why, do I look like one?"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"How did I know that was coming?" she said. "Buy me a cookie and I'll let that groaner die a natural death."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Of old age, you mean," he said.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Now that was funny."</span><br />It really wasn't. I get what Jenkins is going for: he wants Buck to seem awkward and shy and all cute with infatuation, but it really doesn't work. I'm not sure if I'm just biased against the work, because I can't explain why this part doesn't work. It just seems weird. Probably mostly because he's ten years older. <br /><br />Rayford's such an ass. He's not letting Hattie speak, he's rolling his eyes at her, and he's being an all around pushy idiot. I hate him.<br /><br />To Hattie:<span style="font-style: italic;"> "I'll let you break your silence temporarily."</span><br />Gee, thanks, Rayford.<br /><br />Disappearings, Chloe?<br /><br />OMG WTF. Chloe and Buck are eating cookies and she has some chocolate on her face, so OF COURSE he has to wipe it off with his thumb and then HE LICKS HIS THUMB.<br /><br />HE LICKS HIS THUMB, GUYS.<br /><br />CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPY.<br /><br />WTF. This is so hard to read you guys. I have no problem with awkward humour. I watch The Office. BUT THIS IS SO BAD. Buck says he's almost 31 and Chloe (being funny?) goes, "I SAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU, OLD MAN?" and then "Buck roared." Now, I'm assuming he roared with laughter, but who's to say he didn't just out and fucking roar like a lion for no reason? <br /><br />There's so much telling, no showing. This book is awful, you guys. I mean, I haven't even talked about the religious themes a lot, because there's SO MUCH AWFUL going on with the writing.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5708676621966149429?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-63742767066170661152009-11-02T10:04:00.003-06:002009-11-02T10:13:40.040-06:00This marks my 666th blog post, so it doesn't feel right to talk about a religious book tod<br /><br />Hello. I am the Antichrist. I am temporarily taking over this blog.<br /><br />Everyone who reads this will receive a special, today only visit from the Antichrist. Be prepared for that. It could happen at any time.<br /><br />I would like to leave a special message for my most favourite daughter here:<br /><br />.Airam ,evol uoy lla pandik dna luos ruoy wollaws lliw I<br /><br />Have an evil day.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Su8ElH1eMJI/AAAAAAAAAKk/inq0__vnyT4/s1600-h/damien.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 360px; height: 180px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Su8ElH1eMJI/AAAAAAAAAKk/inq0__vnyT4/s400/damien.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399539514045509778" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />That's me as a little tyke. Cute, huh?<br /><br />And just because you haven't been freaked out enough yet:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Su8E-XRPmoI/AAAAAAAAAKs/_kgO8e48Oe4/s1600-h/mars+fave+woman.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Su8E-XRPmoI/AAAAAAAAAKs/_kgO8e48Oe4/s400/mars+fave+woman.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399539947685255810" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />(By the way, that's saved in my computer as "Mar's fave woman")<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6374276706617066115?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-25886083710049122512009-11-01T09:24:00.002-06:002009-11-01T09:58:41.571-06:00CHAPTER 17<br /><br />A couple of fundies are in front of the Wailing Wall, preaching about Jesus to a bunch of Jews. Really? Is this what I need to do to get to Heaven? Be an obtrusive asshole with no regard for other people's beliefs?<br /><br />You know, so far, the Antichrist doesn't seem like a horrible person to me. He is a proponent of disarmament and peace. It's the fundies you have to watch out for.<br /><br />So, the president (sort of) finally steps up to address the world tragedy that occurred less than a week ago. But all he says is "we have to unite in this time of tragedy and I support Nicholae Carpathia." It's a start, I guess.<br /><br />Ha ha ha, way to stay incognito, Buck. The fact that he's actually alive has been broadcast on TV. Pretty sure even friggin' Big Bird could stay off the radar longer.<br /><br />"Rayford was still not sleepy, so he made himself some coffee." That'll get you sleeping.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"But my package is secure?" </span>That's what she said!<br /><br />Bruce makes a whole presentation on the apocalypse, with diagrams and everything. That's dedication, although maybe stocking up on guns and stuff would be better? I love how this whole meeting has the same atmosphere as if they were discussing who was bringing cookies to the next church meeting. Bruce makes a boring presentation, people ask questions, and then he lets them go get back to their lives. Also, Rayford is taking notes.<br /><br />Okay, so, there are all these prophecies about what exactly will happen on earth. We know Satan will be defeated, because he always is. But what if Satan doesn't follow the prophecy? Is it really bad that right now I'm rooting for Carpathia? I kind of don't mind him. Anyway, for example, there are two super powered prophets and in like 3.5 years Satan will kill them. What if he doesn't kill them? What if he deviates from the prophecy? Would everything be thrust into confusion?<br /><br />So...they cleared Buck of a murder without talking to him? I wasn't aware that was how it worked.<br /><br />Buck seems confused as to what simple words mean. Taped, how...why is he a journalist, again?<br /><br />In other news, Steve is now press secretary for Carpathia. I'm just going refer to Carpathia as Damien from now on.<br /><br />Also, Eric, the annoying reporter from before, died.<br /><br />Hey, how did the pope get to Heaven? He's Catholic, and those guys are all as bad as Satan!<br /><br />Anyway, Buck is getting Steve's job, natch. Since, you know, he's AMAZING at sniffing out stories, he's now the editor of the magazine.<br /><br />CHAPTER 18<br /><br />HA HA HA HA. Buck's all, "I don't want to cover the story of those people at the Wailing Wall!" Really? Because it has crazy people, always a good time, it ties into the bigger story of the people disappearing, AND it has the potential to get violent. That sounds like a great story to me.<br /><br />Buck: <span style="font-style: italic;">"This job isn't me."</span><br />No job is you, Buck. You can't even handle the most rudimentary of reporting assignments. Isn't he supposed to be writing about the disappearances? Haven't seen any work done on that yet.<br /><br />Buck again: <span style="font-style: italic;">"I just want to write."</span><br />When has he EVER done that?<br /><br />Steve says, "What are you gonna do about the job?" but I totally misread it as "When are you gonna do your job?" and I was wondering the exact same thing.<br /><br />So Hattie was "nasty" on the phone. Really? She was nasty because she called Rayford out on all his crap AND refused to be proselytized to? What about Rayford's controlling, emotionally abusive behaviour?<br /><br />Btw: I LOVE the word proselytize and I love that this book gives me opportunity to use it.<br /><br />Rayford basically says that Hattie should be happy because he's paying attention to her.<br /><br />Holy ADD, Batman! Damien is talking about the two preachers and how their attackers mysteriously got heart attacks, and he goes "Hm hm hm...strange indeed...Steve is the best person for the job!" I was like, "wait...what?"<br /><br />I will say it again: Damien is the most decent person in the whole book.<br /><br />Buck gets a scoop...and then he sits on it. Like the good journalist he is.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-2588608371004912251?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-65619762977406894622009-10-31T09:17:00.002-06:002009-10-31T10:22:15.868-06:00CHAPTER 15<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Weird word/phrase- "What a guy!"</span><br /><br />Hattie calls Buck and leaves a very nice message hoping he's okay and wants to get together for a drink or something. Predictably, Buck doesn't give a shit. Poor Hattie. Such a butt monkey. HOWEVER, getting together for a drink wouldn't be my first impulse if a third of the world had disappeared.<br /><br />Every time Steve is mentioned, I laugh. My dad's name is John, and one time me, dad, and my friend Maria were watching TV and Mar wanted to ask my dad something but for some reason couldn't remember his name. I've known her for about ten years at this point, so it was weird. She knew it was something generic, and it was either John or Steve. She chose wrong. Now we call him Steve.<br /><br />Rayford's such an ass to Hattie. She's done nothing to show that I SHOULD like her, but I think she's pretty much my second favourite character (after Chloe) just because everyone seems to hate her and I hate everyone else. <br /><br />Hattie is mentioning that her sister works in an abortion clinic (and she gets Left Behind, natch) and she's unhappy because all the unborn kids are gone so she's out of work until people get pregnant again. <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rayford had to admit that he had never found Hattie guilty of brilliance.</span><br />Is that necessary, Rayford? That's so mean to say about someone you were ALL OVER just like three days ago.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Shouldn't they be glad if such problems disappear and even happier - except for the small complication that the human race will eventually cease to exist - if pregnancies never happen again?" The irony was lost on her.</span><br />What irony, Rayford? There's no irony there.<br /><br />Hattie is kind of insensitive here though. She wants people to get unwanted pregnancies so her sister can work. Kind of like how doctors need sick people so they have something to do. Need I remind her that over a billion people just disappeared? Yeah, they just disappeared into thin air. Worrying about jobs is not really a priority right now.<br /><br />Lmao. I like this part. Buck needs to watch Carpathia on Nightline so Steve calls Marge. Marge says that her husband watches M*A*S*H at that time, but he can be talked into taping it. M*A*S*H. It's serious business, people.<br /><br />Carpathia is the newest Sexiest Man Alive. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and the Antichrist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, let's talk about this for a second. People still released its Sexiest Man Alive issue, even in the wake of a global tragedy. If I know People (and I think I do) they would be releasing a special Disappearance Issue, or whatever. I can't recall its 9/11 coverage at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that news displaced all others on its priorities list. Pretty sure when Princess Diana died, she displaced all others on its priorities list. You would think that over a billion people disappearing would be more important than the people's need to see who is the sexiest man alive. Oh, OH. Not ONLY are they talking about sexy men when they could be covering OTHER, EARTH-SHATTERING THINGS, but they DETHRONED the previous sexiest man alive so that Carpathia could take that spot! This would not happen in the wake of global tragedy, AND they definitely wouldn't do it for an obscure Romanian politician.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Buck was amazed at Carpathia's thought processes and command of language.</span><br />Look, he hasn't done anything amazing yet. I've heard better interviews with Miley Cyrus.<br /><br />Carpathia has a REVOLUTIONARY plan for the UN. He wants ten permanent members of the Security Council, and I THINK he wants them to be unanimous on any decision. Or something.<br /><br />LOL. Rayford and Chloe are watching the interview and Rayford's all "he's so awesome!" and Chloe's like, "well, what if he's the deceiver they talked about in the tape? The one from Europe?" Valid question, Chloe. Rayford's answer is, "I think the deceiver would be a little more obvious." REALLY, RAYFORD? HE'S A DECEIVER. THE POINT OF BEING A DECEIVER IS TO DECEIVE. YOU KNOW, BY NOT BEING OBVIOUS?<br /><br />Hattie calls and freaks out about how hot Carpathia is and she plans to fly to New York just to get Buck to introduce her to Carpathia. <br /><br />Rayford doesn't want Hattie on his flight to New York and tells her that everyone has to slide to accommodate Hattie when she makes a special request. Bullshit. This is just like working in a restaurant - you can request days off, and it's not a big deal to schedule in other people.<br /><br />Also, Rayford wants Hattie over to proselytize to her, of course.<br /><br />CHAPTER 16<br /><br />Wtf? Buck goes to a colleague, "you owe me that." How does he owe Buck ANYTHING? Just because Buck is the BESTEST REPORTER IN THE WHOLE WORLD?<br /><br />Ooh, HOT MAN ON MAN ACTION. Actually, Buck's getting all badass (not really) and pushed this colleague into the wall.<br /><br />So Buck goes to see Carpathia, nothing happens, and Rayford has an angst fest.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6561976297740689462?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-60206196412692690632009-10-30T13:44:00.002-06:002009-10-30T13:56:35.717-06:00You guys, NaNo is the day after tomorrow! I'm so pumped. It's going to be insane because here's what I have to do in November:<br /><br />-Write an essay<br />-Finish my Big Question article for Jrn.<br />-Finish my profile article.<br />-Finish two books for class.<br />-Study for a midterm.<br /><br />Yeah. But I can do it. I always manage somehow. So here's my story idea:<br /><br />Paige is a slacker university student who is just floating through life but doesn't have any ambition. She has to get a job and decides to become a personal assistant since she figures it won't be too demanding. Turns out that "personal assistant" actually means "sidekick" and she has actually signed up to help resident anti-hero, Claire Queen, in her robberies. Paige accepts because a) She needs the money, and b) Claire will wipe her memory if she doesn't, and c) she gets sweet gadgets. Things are constantly complicated by the appearances of the local superhero, Hurricane, and his sidekick, Obsidian. Hurricane and Claire get kidnapped by a super-villain who has some sort of diabolical plan, and the two sidekicks have to team up to get their bosses back. They're racing against a mercenary, who wants the reward for taking down the super villain. Back in the non-superhero world, Paige struggles to get good enough grades to remain in school and with lying to her family. She also deals with a crush on a guy in her dorm and romantic overtures of a mysterious anti-hero.<br /><br />It's gonna be awesome, you guys. This is going to play with every comic book trope ever and it's (hopefully) going to be funny. I have a big long document with my outline, a list of page quotes (taken from Deadpool, X-Men, Spiderman, Batman, and Superman comics), a list of writing dares (SO MANY. I'll put some of them down), and a list of jokes to use.<br /><br />Some writing dares I'm going to use:<br /><br />-Have your MC try threaten to kill another character with a spoon. When asked why a spoon, the MC must answer with "because it would be painful".<br /><br />-DARE: Have a character say "I reject your reality and substitute my own!" to another character.<br />- Bonus points if one of them is the main character<br />- Double bonus points if they scream it<br />- Triple bonus points if they run away immediately afterwards<br /><br />-Include the lines:<br />"I could get a little nerdy on you. . ."<br />"You're allowed to have the initial reaction of wanting to punch him in the face." <br /><br />-Include the following conversation:<br />Character A: Why would you think I don't like you?<br />Character B: You sent ninja assassins to kill me. Twice.<br />Character A: I said I was sorry.<br />-BP if character A really did hire ninja assassins<br />-DBP if character A is your MC<br />-TBP if the assassination attempts are completely justifiable<br />-QBP if characters A and B hook up at the end of your novel<br /><br />-Include the line "a little bit of neither."<br />BP if it makes sense in context.<br /><br />-I dare you to look up the "Word of the Day" (dictionary.com or wherever) and use that word somewhere in your story for that day.<br /><br />-Have your villain use a different evil laugh every time s/he appears<br />+s/he asks the MCs what they think of it<br />++if the MCs actually give honest critique and tips on how to improve it<br />+++if this takes 500 words or more<br />++++if this brings the plot to a screeching halt<br />+++++ (and cookies) if it's because the villain is new to the business of being evil and also has problems managing his/her minions and coming up with evil plots<br /><br />--Insert a character who insists on having a life soundtrack, and always has a musician following him/her around.<br />+ S/he is always correcting the musician. "NO! This is a bad guy I'm talking to! Minor key!"<br />++ The musician never speaks.<br />+++ The person is always acquiring new musicians, and has an entire orchestra following him/her around by the end of the book<br />(according to my notes, this will be either a keytar or a saxophone)<br /><br />-Have a character who actually has a skeleton in their closet.<br />BP if, when asked about it, they reply with a very sarcastic "What, you don't have one?"<br />DBP if they refuse to say anything further about it.<br /><br />-Bonus: The character says things that would be nonsensical outside of a video game (ex: "His hitpoints are low!)<br /><br />-Dare: One of your characters pulls off a "CSI: Miami moment".<br />[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948]<br />BP: The character who's doing this has short red hair.<br />TBP: They ask someone to borrow their glasses to pull this off.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-6020619641269269063?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-53946913235168495402009-10-30T09:46:00.002-06:002009-10-30T10:32:33.778-06:00I completely forgot about Left Behind yesterday. With all the procrastinating I was doing, you'd think "blogging" would have been pretty high on the procrastination list, but no. Anyway, this book is supremely painful so I'm going to try to get through it as fast as possible.<br /><br />CHAPTER 11<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase- "You don't either!"</span><br /><br />Rayford and Chloe are going to this fundie church. Chloe mentions about taking classes locally and living at home and DUDE. It's only been like three or four days since your mom and brother and ABOUT A BILLION OTHER PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR. Education is important, but to bypass all the steps of grief and go straight into acceptance is so redonk, I don't even know where to begin.<br /><br />You know how on shows like Petticoat Junction and shit, someone will be like, "You stole my dress!" or whatever and the person will be all indignant and go, "I didn't, either!" Well, Rayford goes to Chloe, "I know what you're going to say" and Chloe's like, "you don't either!" NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. I'm pretty sure that if you're over the age of 50 (or like 35, when it comes to Smeyer) you shouldn't be writing young characters without the input of an actual young person.<br /><br />Rayford and Chloe actually joke around and it's actually kind of cute and realistic. I...don't know what to say.<br /><br />So they go see Bruce Barnes, the pastor of this church. I imagined him as like, Bram from Sharon, Lois, and Bram or possibly Rene Angelil. He actually doesn't look like this, but I'm going to imagine him as an overweight, balding, older man anyway. <br /><br />Chloe's the most savvy person in this book. She doesn't readily accept Bruce's "Rapture" theory and she doesn't discount aliens, and she makes the observation that every theory is self-serving. I like her, but I assume her likeable personality won't last long.<br /><br />Bruce is saying why he didn't get Raptured, which is basically that he's a normal person.<br /><br />According to fundies, the only way to get to Heaven is to accept Jesus. In Chick tracts, murderers, child molesters, and wife-beaters get to Heaven just by saying they accept Jesus. So this would mean that works don't mean anything; you can be a terrible person and still get to Heaven. Bruce Barnes is a pastor, so obviously he believes in Heaven. Clearly, he's accepted that Jesus is his saviour, he just wasn't a zealot. So why is he damned? AND we're always taught that Jesus died for our sins, he died so that we could be forgiven. If we're ALREADY saved, why do we have to get saved again? If you believe in Jesus and are a good person, what earthly reason is there for you to go to Hell? If you're a good person but you happen to not believe in God, why do you deserve to go to Hell? Why would God be that petty? Why would the child molesters get to go to Heaven just because they say "I accept Jesus"? So many questions.<br /><br />CHAPTER 12<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase- Jabber</span><br /><br />Back to Buck, who is off investigating his friend's murder instead of worrying about the little matter of a third of the world's population disappearing into thin air or his brother's family's memorial service.<br /><br />Chloe seems perfectly reasonable to me. She doesn't want to be pushed into the big decision of accepting a whole belief system. She needs time to think about it, and she wants to watch this Rapture video alone without her dad trying to influence her decision. This is baffling to Rayford, who wants the chance to proselytize, and Chloe is portrayed as such a crazy and unreasonable human being.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Depending on when you're viewing this tape, you may have already found that martial law is in effect in many places, emergency measures trying to keep evil elements from looting and fighting over the spoils of what is left."</span><br />Fat chance. We don't get enough description to see the good stuff.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"If you turn to Christ, you may still have to die as a martyr."</span><br />Well, that's comforting.<br /><br />Steve phones Buck, and tells him that the Antichrist wants to see him because Chaim has been chattering about him. Buck is so happy that he claps, because he is a 12 year old girl.<br /><br />Hattie calls Rayford, who is an asshole to her as per usual. Hattie says that Buck died and she broke down when she heard. So she broke down over a dude she talked to like three times, and not over her co-worker slitting his wrists?<br /><br />CHAPTER 13<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase- <span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"She may come on like gangbusters."</span></span><br /><br />I'm not sure if I made this clear, but in chapter 10 Buck's friend (the inspector, or whatever) was killed in a car bomb after they talked in the pub and Buck threw his ID onto the wreckage so he could be presumed dead for some unknown reason.<br /><br />Rayford and Chloe's cab driver asks if they're saved and when Rayford says yes, she goes, "I am too. You'd have to be blind or somethin' not to see the light now." Really? Because I would still be thinking aliens, and I'm shocked that NO ONE'S brought up Croatoan and the Roanoke colony or the multitudes of other mass disappearances.<br /><br />Rayford mentions he wants to invite Hattie over and Chloe says, "She may come on like gangbusters." What does that mean? Is she still speaking English?<br /><br />Back to Buck. Carpathia is making a speech at the UN and is naming all the member nations of the UN. Contrary to what you might think, this does not put everyone to sleep, but just makes everyone happier and prouder. People: long, boring lists are NOT a good speech making strategy.<br /><br />Buck seems to think this speech will cause America to embrace him but honestly, who gives a shit about a Romanian president giving a boring speech in the UN?<br /><br />CHAPTER 14<br /><br />So, tons of people disappeared. Supposedly there are looters and death and destruction and evil people running amok, and Rayford decides to order Chinese and invite Hattie over.<br /><br />Buck is recognized by a bunch of people, Chaim Rosenszweig recognizes him as Buck, and everyone is delighted and Buck is stunned when Carpathia calls him by his real name (as opposed to George Oreskovich, which is on his nametag). You guys, it's not a big deal. He probably saw THE HUGE FUCKING CROWD AROUND BUCK.<br /><br />Rayford and Chloe get their house broken into and Chloe wants another copy of the Rapture tape. The end.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5394691323516849540?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-86915132901084338312009-10-28T13:33:00.002-06:002009-10-28T14:35:41.247-06:00CHAPTER 9<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">...he [Buck] was back in Steve's Plank office, disheveled and apologetic. And he had been right.</span><br />He had been right about what? There's nothing in the previous sentence he could be right about. Perhaps he was right to be apologetic, but that's so clunky and badly worded. These books offend me deeply.<br /><br />So right now, the world is falling apart. Every child has disappeared. People are grieving. There's death and destruction everywhere. Clearly, what the world wants to read about now is some kind of meeting between two opposing groups of Jews. I don't even give a shit about that on a GOOD day. <br /><br />I also don't understand why Buck doesn't care that his niece and nephew and sister-in-law are GONE. Buck didn't PERSONALLY lose anyone, but his brother must be insane with grief. How can one person care so little about another?<br /><br />Chloe hears that her mom and brother are dead. Her response? "I don't want to hear this." Look, I get denial. That's fine. That's a realistic reaction to tragedy. But the way she says it is so stilted and unrealistic.<br /><br />I'm paraphrasing this next part:<br />Guy: [To Buck] This call is going to be taped, starting now.<br />Buck: What?<br />Guy: We're going to be taping this call.<br />Buck: I don't follow.<br /><br />BUCK, IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.<br /><br />Oh yeah, Dirk (Hardpec) committed suicide. No one really cares that much. <br /><br />Buck tells Plank what happened. Plank's response? "That's terrible." No one here is a real person.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Scotland Yard and security personnel here at the exchange.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Scotland Yard? Buck thought. We'll see about that.</span> <br />See about what? Does he not believe it's actually Scotland Yard? Or "we'll see about that" pertaining to the suicide that may not be a suicide?<br /><br />Meanwhile, unsurprisingly, Rayford is pissed because his daughter is grieving instead of being a comfort to him. Because obviously, women are around just to tend to the men. Geez, Chloe, why do you even bother to think that you have free will?<br /><br />Dudes, we're not even halfway through. We're like a third of the way through. I'm SOOOOOO BOOOOOOORED.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Where are they?" she whined at last.</span><br />This comes after Chloe starts crying during a meal. "Whined" is not the best word to use here. It's a negative word. Annoying people whine. A girl crying over the deaths of her sister and brother...not so much.<br /><br />Ha ha ha ha. Rayford says he's a Christian because he's not Jewish. That's how I picked my religion: process of elimination. Also, there are only two religions in the world.<br /><br />Chloe makes a good point. If only the fundies get taken away and the rest of us - even if we're good people but we aren't proselytizing assholes - have to stay and live through Armageddon, then isn't that kind of a dick move?<br /><br />Why is everyone so interested with Nicolae Carpathia? Supposedly he's so charismatic and everything, but you kind of have to see/hear someone to be attracted to them, yes? <br /><br />CHAPTER 10<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase- "Come, come man!"</span><br /><br />Dear God please, not another chapter.<br /><br />Buck keeps investigating everything he SHOULDN'T be. There's a great story RIGHT IN YOUR BACKYARD, but no.<br /><br />Rayford goes to his wife's fundie church and meets Bruce Barnes, who I believe becomes important later. Wait wait wait. If Bruce Barnes is the pastor at the fundie church, why is he still here? I thought all fundies were Raptured.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Come, come man!"</span><br />I imagine this being said in like a Sherlock Holmes accent. I laughed out loud when I read it. No one talks like this!<br /><br />Buck:<span style="font-style: italic;"> "Darn right you're fanning my flame!"</span><br />That's what she said.<br /><br />Buck's best friend just died, but he's more preoccupied with solving the mystery than grieving over the loss.<br /><br />Turns out Dirk was left handed and to commit suicide he had to have held the gun in his right hand. Alan (cop and Dirk's friend) didn't tell anyone because he's scared the killer will come after him. This is so stupid, but apparently Alan knows for sure people won't be happy if he says otherwise. Understandable, kind of.<br /><br />So this Cockney is talking and says "governor." HOW MANY COCKNEYS DO YOU KNOW OF WHO SAY GOVERNOR? It's "guv'nor." Not governor.<br /><br />Show don't tell. "Buck was sad." "Buck was angry." "Rayford was grief-stricken." This is such bad writing.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Thank you kindly."</span><br />The London cabbie has turned into Benton Fraser from <span style="font-style: italic;">Due South.</span><br /><br />These chapters were so boring. I mean, they're all boring, but these more so than usual.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-8691513290108433831?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-75625632673808205092009-10-27T13:44:00.002-06:002009-10-27T14:33:48.857-06:00CHAPTER 7<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Weird word/phrase- Dangedest</span><br /><br />Buck gets into the chartered jet and the pilot mentions something about puddle jumpers, because we are now on Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. The pilot (Ken) asks Buck what he thinks of the disappearances.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Funny you should ask," Buck said. "I've got to start working on that in earnest today."</span><br />Yes, because there definitely weren't any good interviews to be had from anyone in the airport or any of the rescue teams. Buck is the worst journalist ever.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span><br />Ken's talking about aliens:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"They don't even take seriously anything strange within several miles of an airport. That's why you never hear stories of UFOs near O'Hare."</span><br />Yes, except for these:<br />http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/200806413559776<br />http://www.ufo-blogger.com/2008/06/disc-spotted-near-ohare-within-15.html<br />http://www.flickr.com/photos/chuckcirino/351112882/<br /><br />This book would be SO much better if it actually was about aliens. Or if there was less of an emphasis on religion (as much as there can be, with an interpretation of Revelations). You know who also kind of wrote about the Rapture? Dean Koontz, in The Taking. The Taking is a fantastic, fantastic book. It describes the world post-disappearances very well and has an atmosphere of eerieness and confusion. It's just great. I'd rather be reading that right now.<br /><br />Meanwhile, Rayford has no interest in anything except waiting for Chloe to get home. He somehow 100% knows that the Rapture has happened and so is trying to figure out what happened by looking in Irene's Bible. <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rayford was revered, proudly introduced as a 747 captain to newcomers and guests.</span><br />I would think he'd be less revered when they find out that he only makes about 25K a year.<br /><br />Back to Buck. Ken seems to think it's more important to talk about old boxers (the sport, not the underwear) than it is to, oh, I don't know, TALK ABOUT HOW OVER A BILLION PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Fortunately, Buck was in great shape.<br /></span>Phew! I was worried. You know, little known fact: spending lots of time in airplanes and in front of a computer screen= great exercise! You know that all those journalists have washboard abs. Heck, I'm staring at mine right now.<br /><br />Discussing a plane that went down with no survivors:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"And this was after the disappearances?"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Just last night. Totally unrelated."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth?"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Indeed."</span><br />Rayford, as per usual, shows no emotion whatsoever in the face of human tragedy. Maybe the fact that he is apparently conversing with Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 is rubbing off on him.<br /><br />CHAPTER 8<br /><br />Buck and his editor Steve are discussing a presidential election in Romania, because nothing else interesting is going on in the world, obviously.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"People took dirt naps."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Ooh Steve, you talk just like a mobster."</span><br />Ooh, Steve, talk <span style="font-style: italic;">dirty</span> to me!<br /><br />Methinks Buck is supposed to come off as dashing and cavalier but...he doesn't.<br /><br />Wtf, Rayford? He comes to the conclusion that "this is the word season of his life." First, DUH. Second, season? As opposed to week? Then he mentions that he's glad his parents died because they were sick. Really? You're going to use the word "glad?" That sounds really, really...unfeeling. Even if my parents had Alzheimer's before, I would be devastated if they both died around the same time! Rayford is a cyborg. I will bet you anything he's a proponent of utilitarian bioethics.<br /><br />Rayford calls being a pilot a "highly paid" profession. I just saw the new Michael Moore doc and the only part that really stuck is that pilots don't get paid nearly enough. Maybe it was different in '95. <br /><br />We learn that Irene dropped out of college when she got married, just like good little girls are supposed to.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"...he didn't enjoy having a pregnant wife."</span><br />Well, who's fucking fault is that?<br /><br />We also learn that Rayford stayed away from home as much as possible while Irene was pregnant. WAY TO BE A MAN, ASSHOLE.<br /><br />Rayford wants Chloe home. Not because he cares about her welfare or because he misses her, but because she would "assuage his grief and pain." Buck is a moron, but Rayford is almost evil.<br /><br />You guys, here's a joke!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Ozark spelled backward is Krazo.</span><br />Ho ho ho! It's funny because Krazo kind of sounds like crazy.<br /><br />So Hattie calls and Rayford is an ass and then he wonders "How selfish can I be?" showing a rare glimpse of self-awareness that I'm assuming will never rear its head again.<br /><br />Hattie calls Buck to tell him about how Rayford was an ass and Buck is also an ass, rolling his eyes and saying he can understand Rayford's actions. Would it kill anyone to just show a little sympathy to Hattie?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe Hattie showed more depth and sense when she wasn't under stress.</span><br />SERIOUSLY? This from the guy who has made no move to help anyone else? Hattie is the only one in the book so far who has even indicated that she cares about anyone other than herself. l;akdshf;asdhfasdfsd.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7562563267380820509?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-33903820152722537532009-10-26T09:09:00.003-06:002009-10-26T10:15:24.699-06:00CHAPTER 5<br /><br />Buck Williams stops to take inventory, because this is suddenly an RPG. He also carries a murse. He has stuff in a special pouch in his jeans IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Seriously though, is this a money belt? Because those don't generally go inside your jeans. You'll get weird looks whenever you whip it out.<br /><br />Now Buck is telling us about his overseas laundry methods. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Buck continues telling us about things about which we don't give a shit, like the time he scooped some people on a sports story. Yes, you can say that they don't like you because you scooped them, but for God's sake we don't need any more details than that. Oh, and THEN we get shown the conversation the two have about said scooped story. Seriously, Tim and Jerry? We don't get any details about burning wreckage at the airports or the suicidal pilot or the way people feel about the disappearances or the grieving people, but we get enormous detail about A SCOOPED SPORTS STORY THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO? And then the chick he's talking to goes into an impromptu Jesus speech. Dear God, let's just get back to the "action", such that it is, already.<br /><br />So Buck's talking about why he was overseas in the first place. We get all this unnecessary detail about following a tip from a conspiracy theorist former classmate blah blah I'm just going to skip it.<br /><br />I love how all these names are ridiculously manly. Rayford. Buck. Dirk. <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"I wish I could say I tried to call you Hattie, but I didn't. This is hard for me."</span><br />Well that's comforting. Like it's not hard for Hattie either? Or any of the friggin' BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD RELATIVES DISAPPEAR? Rayford is such a prick. Before he was all lusting after Hattie but making her work for it and all of a sudden he's completely cold but Hattie is still worrying about him. <br /><br />Wtf? This is so mean:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Losing his wife and child made him realize what a vapid relationship he had been pursuing with a twenty-seven-year-old woman. He hardly knew her, and he certainly didn't much care what happened to her family any more than he cared when he heard about a remote tragedy on the news.</span><br />What an awful thing to say! Most people care about their coworkers, even if they're not really friends. I know if I was still at the cafe and an acquaintance (we'll say Teneille) came to work all, "OMG! My family disappeared without a trace!" I'd at least be empathetic. It's called BASIC DECENCY.<br /><br />Here's why I'm confused about Rayford though. He's ostensibly the "protagonist" inasmuch as we see everything through his eyes. But he hasn't been "saved" and so is a "bad person." Am I supposed to relate to him? But then Tim and Jerry are saying that I'm a bad person too. But why would I want to be in the head of such an awful, awful person? (Not awful because he's unsaved, but awful because he's a truly sociopathic human being.) I assume this will not become clear.<br /><br />Hattie's so stupid. Find someone who actually cares about other people, okay?<br /><br />Back to Buck. He calls a private pilot who is basically gouging passengers who want to get places. I love how human decency goes out the window just hours after a disaster. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but I feel it should take longer, or there should be some actually good people out there. We haven't met anyone yet who cares about helping other people, and I think there should be at least a FEW. In the wake of 9/11, there were tons of volunteers, but apparently not when people disappear.<br /><br />This was written in 1995, and I was only five then. But...should you be allowed to check your voicemail on a phone miles away while you're on a payphone? Somehow I think this shouldn't be possible.<br /><br />Buck is describing his brother and sister-in-law. They had a tumultuous marriage, but the wife had been "forgiving and conciliatory", which means that she gets a free pass to Heaven! Woo hoo! We also get told that Jeff's children both look like him and are "precious." This is integral to the story.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"This is too strange, isn't it?"</span><br />Somehow, that wouldn't be my first reaction. It would be something like, "WHAT THE FUCK BILLIONS DISAPPEARED INTO THING AIR? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IT MUST BE ALIENS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?" Buck seems to be talking about like, someone who can shoot milk out of their nose.<br /><br />Here's what confuses me about the Rapture. The "saved" people go to Heaven, which means they're dead. The people who are "left behind" are still alive. Would you rather be dead or alive? The "desirable" option here seems like it sucks ass.<br /><br />Buck calls Lucinda and gets her teenage son, who says she's disappeared, and obviously she's in Heaven. I'm reading the Slacktivist articles as I'm doing this recap, and he made the comment that every characters seems to have read the back of the book and they know they're in a Rapture story. This is totally true. Rapture would NOT be my first guess and I probably wouldn't even think of it unless I heard someone talking about it. I'm pretty sure "aliens" would come before "Rapture." Most people who aren't fundies don't even know what the Rapture is.<br /><br />THIS KID IS SO INSANE. The conversation between him and Buck goes something like this:<br />Kid: My whole family is gone.<br />Buck: I'm so sorry!<br />Kid: That's all right. I know they're in Heaven and I can't say I'm surprised.<br />Buck: Do you have anyone to take care of you?<br />Kid: My uncle. And a guy from church.<br /><br />WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? If my family disappeared and I KNEW for sure they were in Heaven, I would still be freaking out. Because THEY'RE DEAD, plus I'm an orphan now. I can't get money because there are no jobs and there's bound to be looters and criminals around and I can't protect myself. These people are all cyborgs or something. Is this how fundies think? Is this how they would act in a situation like this? Because if so, Jack Chick is even more batshit than I previously thought.<br /><br />CHAPTER 6<br /><br />So we learn that Irene disapproved of Rayford drinking and she wanted him to keep it from their son Ray. Growing up, I always knew my dad drank, and it didn't affect me at all. Fundies seem so uptight.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"How does that jibe with your insistence that we be totally truthful?"</span><br />I...don't think jibe is the right word. Did no one edit this?<br /><br />WHAT.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rayford poured three inches into a wide crystal glass and threw it back like a veteran. That was about as out of character as he could find comfortable. The stuff hit the back of his throat and burned all the way down, giving him a chill that made him shudder and groan. </span> <br />Have these people done shots before? Granted, I've never done bourbon shots, and maybe they actually make you "shudder and groan", but I've done vodka shots and shuddering and groaning seems like a very extreme reaction. Also, obviously the fact that it was three inches of liquid is integral to the story.<br /><br />Ha ha, he's also getting a buzz from one shot.<br /><br />I love how Rayford only loves his wife when she's gone. Yeah, that's sincere.<br /><br />Shouldn't your first reaction in a disaster be to listen to the radio or watch TV to get more information? Yet Rayford consciously avoids that, further cementing my belief that he is not a real person.<br /><br />Rayford keeps SAYING that he loves his daughter, but somehow I doubt his conviction. We know how fickle he is about women.<br /><br />Rayford is a cutthroat father. He talking about how Ray was always too compassionate, always caring about others when Rayford thought he should be looking out for number one. What a great parenting strategy. This is how bullies are made, ladies and gentlemen.<br /><br />Buck backstory. His family resents him because he went on to an Ivy League school and became super successful when he should have gone into the family business. You know, the usual cliched angst. <br /><br />Buck's dad tells him that Jeff's (the brother's) kids disappeared, along with everyone else on this retreat and Buck's response is "whew, boy." UNDERSTATEMENT.<br /><br />Let's talk about the fact that all the children under a certain age (looks to be under 13) disappear. Supposedly, they're innocent and uncorrupted. LIKE HELL. I know PLENTY of kids who are FAR from innocent. What about the bullies? They get to go to Heaven just because they had the good luck to be born a certain year? What about the kid who called me a "shithead" in third grade? He gets to go? That's a dick move. What about friggin' LISA MARIE who's the most batshit kid ever and regularly bit people on the playground? Why does she get to go to Heaven and I don't? What about good people who aren't fundies? Obviously, Catholic people don't get to go because they're THE DEVIL. So that leaves out Mother Theresa, if she were alive at the time of the Rapture. What about Ghandi? He's not a fundie. He goes to Hell? What about Harriet Tubman? She's not a fundie either. So a LIFETIME of doing good doesn't mean shit unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.<br /><br />Back to assh- I mean Rayford. He reads a piece about Nicolae Carpathia. "Hmm, a surprise move in Romania." Rayford can't bring himself to care about Hattie's family, but he cares about a presidential election in ROMANIA? It's hard news, but whoever wrote it obviously doesn't know what they're doing because they use adjectives to describe him. This is what I've learned in hard news class: BEING CREATIVE IS BAD. Anyone writing hard news would strive to be completely objective.<br /><br />This book is so batshit.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-3390382015272253753?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-18507037617586866142009-10-25T14:24:00.003-06:002009-10-25T15:32:44.879-06:00So I've been pretty slow updating, but I swear I have good reasons! First, last week was insanely stressful (My prof sent an email at 7:30 at night telling us to get to this random address to cover an event the next day, grammar test, assignments) and ALSO I got sick on Friday. Usually I try to make up the days that I miss, but I'm just going to be continuing with the two chapters.<br /><br />CHAPTER 3<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strange word/phrase: "Seat" when he means "bum."</span><br />Here's something weird about the first two chapters. No one seems very confused or horrified about the disappearances of half the people on the plane. People are DISAPPEARING. There should be worldwide panic and mass speculation. I mean, no one's even brought up the possibility of aliens yet, and that would be my first guess. Mostly people are just mildly confused.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Harold's wife sat staring at Buck, her eyes full, jaw set.</span><br />Eyes full of what?<br /><br />Tim and Jerry have a HUGE show don't tell problem. The woman is described as "grieving" but nothing she does shows that she's grieving. <br /><br />So everyone's leaving the plane and Rayford gets super mad at his copilot because he wants to ride in a bus to the terminal instead of walking. I think his reaction is harsher than it needs to be.<br /><br />Tell, tell, tell, but no show.<br /><br />Rayford is watching footage on TV, and he describes a woman whose baby disappeared from her womb. This should be a horrifying and baffling event, and yet it's described clinically. There's a disconnect between the events in the book and the reader. A good book will suck the reader in, make the reader believe they're there. With Left Behind, there's a barrier. I can't really get into the book.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Of all people, that player, a student at a Christian school, would have known the truth immediately. The Rapture had taken place.</span><br />Why is Rayford stating this like it's obvious? The idea of the Rapture taking place wouldn't even occur to me in this situation. I'd be thinking aliens, and I'm pretty sure lots of other people would too. <br /><br />Wtf? Rayford calls his house from a payphone and is somehow able to check his messages. I'm pretty sure that's not how answering machines work.<br /><br />Oh, wow.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"All the married students' kids have disappeared!"</span><br />Right, right. Because the children of unmarried people are unholy bastards.<br /><br />WHAT THE FUCK.<br />So Hattie's all, "Isn't it awful about Chris?" like maybe he broke a toe or something and Rayford's like, "what?" and she's like, "you don't know?" and being all coy so I'm like, "Oh whatever, it's not that important," and then later Hattie's like, "Yeah, I saw him wheeled by. He was covered in blood. I think he's dead." ARE THESE PEOPLE ROBOTS? THEY DON'T ACT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rayford shook his head. What next? "Did he get hit or something? Did the bus crash?" Wouldn't that be ironic!"</span><br />Why are they talking as if he's fine? He's DEAD, but the way they act, it's like, "Oh, that scamp Chris! He's such a joker!"<br /><br />Wtf. Hattie says the blood on Chris seemed to be coming from his hand or his waist. Well, the two are kind of far apart. I'm pretty sure it should be easy to differentiate between the two.<br /><br />So apparently Chris slit his wrists when he found out his sons were gone and his wife died in a crash or something and literally the ONLY emotion response Rayford has is to "nod sadly." And then he immediately wonders if suicide is an option for him, and then he says no, because his daughter Chloe is still there. His thought processes are so robotic, like he's a cyborg. He has no emotions. This is such bizarre reading.<br /><br />He refers to his son as "young Ray." No one does this.<br /><br />Wtf? Hattie was "trotting" to her condominium. So...she's a horse now?<br /><br />There's so much wtfery here, even more than Twilight. <br /><br />Buck gets a letter from his editor telling him to get to New York and report on shit, and then he randomly goes into a side thing about currency. PEOPLE HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR, PEOPLE. Get your priorities straight. Also, he's like, "Yeah, I lost a nephew and two nieces and a sister in law that I didn't like." No one has any emotions. This is so weird.<br /><br />CHAPTER 4<br /><br />Buck gets his head wound treated by a doctor, who's all, "Yeah, it's the Rapture. What other possibly explanation is there?" Still not sure why "Rapture" is the obvious option here.<br /><br />So Rayford is trying to get home and he hitches a ride with some lady. He gets home and for some reason starts to describe Irene's daily routine. This has nothing to do with the story, but they throw it in anyway.<br /><br />Shouldn't Rayford be panicking? I would if most of my family was gone. He seems sad, but also like he's accepted it as inevitable.<br /><br />Flashback. Buck is talking to Chaim, the dude from the beginning who made that fertilizer that makes things grow. Chaim is talking about this awesome dude named Nicholae Carpathia. Spoiler: he's the Antichrist.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">She'd had a rough day too.</span><br />Isn't that a fucking understatement? PEOPLE ARE DISAPPEARING.<br /><br />Buck is talking to this chick because he wants her to get him a flight to New York. Buck says that he has unlimited resources and that money is not an object. Somehow I doubt that. Journalists don't make that much. Even if you're a super good journalist, you aren't going to have unlimited resources.<br /><br />Back to Rayford. He finds his kid's clothes and then looks at an autographed picture of himself that he gave his kid. Rayford goes, "What kind of father autographs a picture for his son?" That's EXACTLY what I was thinking! These aren't normal people.<br /><br />Rayford's sobbing and breaking down and yet I can't bring myself to care. I don't give a shit about these characters because they don't seem real.<br /><br />This is a very strange book.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-1850703761758686614?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-83193945049168474042009-10-25T09:25:00.002-06:002009-10-25T10:03:35.550-06:00Why I Hate My Roommates<br />A Play in One Act<br /><br />Five people enter Robin's apartment at 1:40 AM, being loud and annoying with no regard for anyone else (as per usual). Robin tries to wait it out but it doesn't take long for her to snap.<br /><br />ROBIN (politely): Could you quiet down, please?<br />ANNOYING MALE FRIEND: NO!<br />ROOMMATE #1: Hurr durr, I do not know what this word quiet means. After all, I am only in Tourism and Hospitality, a career path that I really don't need to go to university for.<br />ROOMMATE #2: Me as well! Plus I am a model, a career path that doesn't require any brain power.<br />FLOORMATE: Dur, what does hos...hosa....that "h" word mean? I am in "retail management" a program that will prepare me for a career in McDonald's.<br />ANNOYING MALE FRIEND: Duhhhh...where am I?<br /><br />LATER (3:20 AM)<br />ROOMMATE #1: Let's watch TV with the volume OVER NINE THOUSAND! I'm sure no one will mind.<br />ROOMMATE #2: Yes, after all, it's not like the walls are paper thin or that our other roommate is sick with the flu and needs sleep.<br />FLOORMATE: Good idea! I am a hypocrite who complains about my roommates being loud while I am sick, and yet I have no problem with being loud while other people are sick.<br /><br />They don't shut up for a long time.<br />The End.<br /><br />So basically, I've been sick for the past two days. When you're sick, you need sleep, which is impossible when you live in a dorm. At like midnight, they were blasting music right outside my door and then thankfully, they left, only to be replaced by my two roommates, two floormates, and one unidentified male being loud and obnoxious. I'm a really light sleeper, so I always give them some leeway. I can't expect them to tiptoe around me. It's called COMPROMISE, something these spoiled bitches have never heard of. So it went on for a long time and then I asked them to quiet down. Politely. And then the asshole dude was like, "NO!" Seriously, guy? This is the second time I've asked someone nicely to be quiet, and the second time I've been met with flat refusal. So they quieted down for like five minutes and then they were super loud. So I kind of dozed off until like 3:20, when they decided to watch a movie WITH THE VOLUME AT LIKE A HUNDRED. SERIOUSLY? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT'S OKAY? So I went and told them AGAIN to be quiet and then I could finally fall asleep.<br /><br />I have no idea how people can be so selfish. They are so narcissistic. They don't care about anything but a) themselves, and b) their pleasure. I hope they drop out of school but I know that's impossible because they're in fucking tourism, which honestly requires no brain power. They cook, for God's sake.<br /><br />And my floormate. She's complained to me on more than one occasion about how her roommates are always so loud when she's trying to sleep. And one time at the beginning of the year she was sick and she was mad at her roommates because they were being loud and here I am, sick, and yet SHE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. GA;LSDFKAHSLIDHFAS.<br /><br />I despise first years.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-8319394504916847404?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-31691954829585369132009-10-20T12:21:00.002-06:002009-10-20T13:16:47.362-06:00Hey guys! So, a whole sequence of destined events led me to what we're going to talk about today. My sister was visiting and she wanted to go to this place called Labyrinth to look at graphic novels. So we wandered Bloor and Labyrinth was closed so we went to BMV books while we were waiting for our friend, who was going to meet us and we were going to go to a pub. I was just kind of looking at random books and Lindsay went to find a Stephen King book. She couldn't find one so I went to help her and we we were both really tired so we sat on the ground in front of the K's and there were no Stephen King books but I found...<br />...<br />...<br />LEFT BEHIND BOOK 1! I'm pretty excited. I've wanted to read it ever since I read a Chuck Klosterman essay on it and I feel like yesterday was a whole sequence of events that led to me find it. And it was only five bucks, so that was cool. Anyway. Left Behind is a book series about the Rapture and then a group of people who team up to kill the Antichrist. Awesome premise right? Well, from what I've heard, the execution is not that great. For further reading, I recommend: <a href="http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html">http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html</a><br />I can't remember the dude's name, but he talks about Left Behind. And I wanted to do Left Behind before I even found his blog, so yeah. <br /><br />So Left Behind is a religious book, so I feel the need to say this: I consider myself Christian. I believe in God and the devil and all that. I'm not sure if I believe in the second coming and the rapture and everything, but I don't disbelieve it. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people, and I feel fundies give everyone else a bad name. I also feel that God accepts everyone, even if you don't consider yourself Christian. My aim in doing Left Behind is not to make fun of religious beliefs (okay...maybe fundie religious beliefs) but to make fun of literary technique. So here we go.<br /><br />CHAPTER 1<br /><em>Anachronistic word/phrase: </em><em>"Private necking session."</em><br /><br />So we start off with pilot Frisky McPorn-name, um, I mean Rayford Steele, thinking about flight attendant Hattie Durham. He likes that she touches his arm when she walks past and that she admires him. Rayford is unhappy at home because his wife is now super-religious. So basically, he's lusting after this chick because she's hot and she admires him. Personality? What's that?<br /><br />This part's creepy though:<br /><em>They had spent time together, chatting for hours over drinks or dinner, sometimes with coworkers, sometimes not. He had not returned so much as one brush of a finger, but his eyes had held her gaze and he could only assume that his smile had made his point.</em><br />Someone had made the point that Rayford was emotionally manipulating Hattie. Does this whole thing not sound like a dick move? He knows Hattie likes him and he does nothing to return her affection, even though he likes her too. It seems like he's making her work for it, making her emotionally turmoiled so that he feels like he has power. He's also planning on putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she'll take that to mean that he wants a relationship. Wtf? Who over the age of 15 does such a passive aggressive thing?<br /><br />Rayford still feels guilty over a "private necking session" at a party 12 years before. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. <br /><br />Rayford thinks that the reason he is not as religious as his wife is that's he's smarter and more logical. Asshole. Also, to Rayford, wife becoming religious=he is now free to have an affair without guilt. Not seeing the logic there, Ray, but whatever. I'm not too sure who we're supposed to be sympathizing with here.<br /><br />Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams. He's a world famous super special awesome journalist. One day he went to Israel, and then we have an infodump.<br /><br />Wtf? So in this flashback or whatever, Buck is talking about interviewing this guy in Israel. This dude had made this special fertilizer that causes the desert to erupt into flowers. I don't know why this is relevant, and the passage goes on for a very long time. It's not pushing the story forward. We don't give a shit about flowers. Why is this here? <br /><br /><em>Imagine what the formula might do if modified to work on the vast tundra of Russia! Could regions bloom, though snow covered it most of the year?</em><br />Yeah, sure. Let's try using this weird-ass formula to make plants grow in a place where they haven't grown in like, ever. I'm sure that will have no effect whatsoever on the environment.<br /><br />Wait. Wait. Is this in the future? I'm confused. Apparently the whole world uses three different currencies. Why is this relevant? I don't know. Anyway, for some reason, Russia gets mad and launches an attack on Israel. Luckily, Buck is on the scene to cover this amazing event!<br /><br /><em>To say the Israelis were caught off guard, Cameron Williams had written, would be like saying the Great Wall of China was long.</em><br />This is a world famous journalist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, none of that quote is italicized in the book when it definitely should be.<br /><br /><em>He felt no bravado, no uniqueness.</em><br />That comma should be a semicolon. And one can't feel the emotion of uniqueness. Bravado is an emotion. Uniqueness is not. I'm not even sure what the writers were getting at here. So Buck thinks he's going to die and then all of a sudden a firestorm takes out the Russian offense. Deus ex machina, ahoy.<br /><br />Despite what you tell us, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Ethiopia is not a Middle Eastern country.<br /><br />Back to Ray. Hattie's flipping out because people have disappeared, leaving their clothes behind. <br /><br /><em>"Should I turn on the cabin lights?" </em><br /><em>"No," he whispered. "The less people know right now, the better."</em><br />The FEWER people who know, Rayford. Dammit. Also, I'm pretty sure it won't take people long to figure out that A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ARE MISSING. Hattie's hysterical, reminiscent of that chick from Night of the Living Dead that my theatre HATED. Rayford's a big strong man, so he stays calm. Strangely, though, he immediately knows that these people have been taken in the Rapture. That's not the first conclusion I would come to.<br /><br />CHAPTER 2<br />HA HA HA HA HA. This old lady asks Buck (who is also on the plane) to go check if her husband is in the bathroom and take a blanket because he's naked and he's really religious so he'll be embarrassed. I don't know what my reaction would be if some old lady was like, "Go find my husband and cover him up because he's naked. He'll be embarrassed." The lady doesn't even seem to find it strange that he has no clothes.<br /><br /><em>"I was hoping it was something on the plane. Some gas, some malfunction."</em><br />Yeah, because I'm sure GAS caused people to disappear. Someone else suggested spontaneous combustion, which is just as moronic.<br /><br />Buck does something strange with the phone. He hacks into it to get a message to his boss, but the message might be in Morse code or some shit? I really don't know what's going on. <br /><br />Buck calls the flight attendant "Beautiful Hattie." Really? What? Who does that?<br /><br />This book is kind of amateurish, and it's kind of like Dan Brown-lite, if you can get lighter than Dan Brown. So far, no redonk fundie philosophy, so that's good I guess. We'll see tomorrow.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-3169195482958536913?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-25458094762801338572009-10-08T22:39:00.002-06:002009-10-08T23:16:15.754-06:00Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.<br /><br />I hate those fucking bitches so hard. This is going to be so profane but honestly, FUCKALDSF;FDHSADFLJKHASD. Okay, here are my roommates:<br /><br />Shanelle- She's okay. She's pretty quiet and she cleans up after herself, but I hate her because of the one night she was screaming at her boyfriend at 3 AM and made me let her in like four times. Plus just now she squealed really annoyingly. STFU BITCHES, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. On second thought, that might not be her speaking right now.<br /><br />Shef- She's fine. Quiet, cleans up after herself.<br /><br />Katie- Gives off bitch vibes and seems to have an irrational hatred for me, no matter what I do.<br /><br />Cait- FUCK I HATE HER SO MUCH I HATE HER SO MUCH I'VE LOST ALL CONCEPT OF PUNCTUATION. Her voice is always about 10 decibels louder than it needs to be and she blasts her music really loud at inopportune times, she never replaces the toilet paper and she never does her dishes and she has the most annoying squeal ever. I NEED HER TO FALL DOWN A WELL. Here's what happened tonight. She was like yelling (which is her normal speaking voice) at around midnight while I was trying to sleep. I don't give a shit if everyone else has Fridays off, but I have to get up at 8:30 and I'm not a morning person and I NEED my sleep. So I went out and my roommates (minus Shanelle) were in the living room and I was like, really calmly, "You guys, I don't want to be a bitch right now, but can you keep it down please?" Really nice, really calm, really reasonable. A+ all around. So that little immature bitch says to me, "I'm getting written up by security so I don't really care about anyone else's sleep right now." Excuuuuuuuuse me, bitch? Now, I'm afflicted with the disease where I can never think of anything good to say in a confrontation, so all I said was, "Why?" Apparently she signed in her friend and he got in a fight and now she's written up because she's responsible for her guests. Boo hoo, so I have to pay the price because you have shitty taste in friends? Basically, the little hobag is saying to me, "My problems are more important than your needs." WTF? <br /><br />Here are the other things that bitch does (or more specifically, doesn't do.) She NEVER ever puts the toilet paper on the roll, and I'm willing to bet mommy and daddy always did that so she doesn't know how. She never cleans the bathroom. She never cleans up after herself. Pretty sure she hasn't done her own dishes yet. She blasts music all the time, and seems to sense when I'm trying to sleep and puts it on extra loud then. She squeals sooooooo annoyingly. She's a spoiled little princess who has clearly never learned to do anything by herself and is one of those people who will always rely on other people to do shit for her. I hope she fails out of university, not only for my satisfaction but also because then I won't have to go through the hell of living with her. I want to punch her in the face and then kick her repeatedly and then pull a Street Fighter and shoryuken her and break her fingers one by one and then throw her out a window. And then I want to give her a punch of papercuts all over her UGLY FACE. In lieu of that, I will settle for her being stuck on the can without toilet paper. I have no idea how she makes friends because there is literally nothing likeable about her. She is stupid, abrasive, annoying, loud, and has absolutely nothing to offer anyone. <br /><br />Miscellaneous complaints: Two days ago, I found a plate with half a sandwich on it (uncovered) resting on my milk, iced tea, and someone else's milk. So, whoever did this (I'm betting Cait...she's just stupid enough to think this was okay) is a moron for a few reasons: The first being, it didn't occur to her that I would want to get at my drinks, and the second being SHE LITERALLY DOES NOT KNOW THAT BREAD DRIES OUT IF YOU LEAVE IT UNCOVERED. This is rudimentary shit, people. I'm pretty sure I learned that back when I was about five. Cait is such a moron that she thinks it's okay if you just stick bread in the fridge uncovered. I don't even know what to say to this anymore. I just really need something bad to happen to her. Although she was crying about this whole "getting written up by security" thing and that made me about 3982346x happier. <br /><br />I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea. I think I thought it would be easy to make friends if I was living with someone but all this experience did was make me despise people more. And it's all pointless anyway because all my friends are in my program and not in my res. WHY IS MY LIFE SUCH A COSMIC JOKE?<br /><br />l'ASJD;LFHKASDFJKAHSDFKAJ<br /><br />ANYWAY. I'm going to St. Catherines for Thanksgiving and hanging out with old people for three days, and I'm pretty sure (I'm hoping, anyway) that everyone is going home tomorrow. That means TWO, POSSIBLY THREE WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT ASSHOLEY ROOMMATES. And living with old people means I GET TO GO TO BED EARLY I'M SERIOUSLY SO EXCITED YOU GUYS. Fuck partying. I'm ready to play cards with my grandma and great aunt and get like 12 hours of sleep and catch up on reading. I'm so ready for this weekend.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-2545809476280133857?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-9801159570884309812009-10-03T17:37:00.003-06:002009-10-03T19:33:11.971-06:00Okay guys, I'm pretty sure 99.99% of you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but we need to discuss Deadpool.<br /><br />As some of you know, I've recently gotten into comic books. My first foray into that strange, strange world was ASBAR, but my second was Deadpool.<br /><br />Here's the trouble with being an extremely passionate fan of extremely obscure media: you can't discuss them with anyone. I'm a talker. I need to talk about things with people but nobody's heard of most everything I'm interested in.<br /><br />Hence, the Deadpool post. Spoilers ahoy.<br /><br />Deadpool is a mercenary who was part of Weapon X with Wolverine. He had cancer which the experiments cured him of, but he turned into a deformed crazy man in the process. He's an anti-hero, to say the least. If you thought Batman in ASBAR was bad, Deadpool is that turned up to ELEVEN. And I'm not sure how Joe Kelly manages it, but he still manages to turn Deadpool into a likeable character. If you're seen/read Watchmen, you'll know what I mean. I feel about him like I feel about Rorschach: I probably should hate them because they are both deeply morally reprehensible people, but THEY'RE SO DAMN AWESOME. If for no other reason than Deadpool is in love with Bea Arthur. <br /><br />For some reason, Deadpool has friends, despite being kind of a dickhead, especially in the later issues. Those friends consist of:<br /><br />Blind Al- His roommate/prisoner. She is an old blind lady who offers sage advice to Deadpool and doesn't take any of his shit. <br /><br />Weasel- His best friend/weapons supplier. Kind of nerdy and Deadpool's personal butt monkey.<br /><br />Monty- A crippled and skeletal ex-precog. More or less takes over Blind Al's role as deadpan snarker.<br /><br />Ilaney- German girl who gets saved by Deadpool and then becomes his personal pilot. Takes over Weasel's butt monkey role.<br /><br />Siryn- Member of X-Force and Deadpool's love interest.<br /><br />Deuce- A German Shepherd that Deadpool stole from Daredevil and gave to Blind Al.<br /><br />Let me just hammer this home- these people are ESSENTIAL to Deadpool comics. They NEED to be there to temper Deadpool's psychoness. Because otherwise his depravity would become grating and you would be like, "Why am I reading about a sociopath?" and the comics would cease to be fun. Deadpool comics walk a fine line between being fun and being uncomfortable to read. And as of issue 33 or whatever the heck I'm on right now, all these people are gone. Weasel (and Deuce) left after Deadpool locked him and Blind Al in a chokey-like room (more on that plotline later) and he realized that Deadpool was nuts. Siryn hasn't shown up for awhile, ever since she rejected Deadpool on the baseball field where they filmed Field of Dreams (more on that plotline later). Blind Al made a big deal about staying with Deadpool even though he set her free and then a few issues later she just leaves with no explanation. I think her leaving was one panel long. It was LAME, Marvel. Oh yeah, and Blind Al decided to stay with Deadpool because she owes him some kind of debt that he doesn't know about and according to my brother we never find out what she did that was so bad. So then Deadpool starts hanging out with Monty, who's AWESOME, and then fucking T-RAY (more on that douchebag later) kills him but Deadpool took him to L, L, and L (this space corporation thingie) and he's alive and I rejoiced but then he decided to leave. Ilaney has recently been eaten by snakes conjured by T-Ray and then trapped in a situation where she relives her worst memory over and over again. Not sure when/if she's coming back. So now what the hell am I supposed to do? I LOVE Deadpool but if I just have to read about him untempered by actual normal people NO THANKS. I might just have to skip to Cable and Deadpool. Cable's kind of a tool with no sense of humour, but at least he's good and he'll even out Deadpool's crazy ass personality. Whoa, that was one hell of a text block. Sorry, but my rant needs to come out.<br /><br />Deadpool has two villains that I DESPISE. Like, with some villains I love to hate them, like Ozymandias was pretty sweet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Juggernaut and Black Tom (although this is 100% because of the fandub. "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" "Yeah, check out my PIMP CANE") And who doesn't like Mr. Freeze? But I despise T-Ray and Typhoid Mary. We'll talk about Typhoid first, since there's not much to say. She's like schizo or something, and repeatedly dicks Deadpool around and she has a crazy ass outfit. If I'm remembering correctly, it's a black leather belly shirt with enormous epaulet type things with spikes on them on her shoulders, a black leather thong, fishnets (although it's possible I'm making that up) and a face painted half black/half white. She's like the lost member of KISS. HOW IS THAT A PRACTICAL OUTFIT FOR A VILLAIN? Also, she impersonated Siryn and stomped on Deadpool's heart at a critical time. Fucking Typhoid. Also, I keep calling her "Bloody Mary" in my mind. Anyway, I just spent some time rereading an interesting story arc (Deadpool gets kidnapped by some guy whose name I can't recall and is forced to wear a pink bib and bonnet and almost gets suffocated by a giant teddy bear) and Typhoid is not wearing fishnets. Her thong reminds me of one I saw in France though. The front part was like the width of two of my fingers put together. It was fairly disgusting.<br /><br />T-Ray is a ginormous steroid ridden albino mercenary with a band-aid on his nose. He's just an all around asshole who hates Deadpool. He and Deadpool had a showdown and he stomped Deadpool's ass, plunging Deadpool further into self-loathing. In later issues, he appears to have lost his albinism. Also in later issues, he begins to resemble David Lee Roth, so much so that I hum "California Girls" to myself whenever he shows up. I can't explain why I despise him, but I do. Also, he almost killed Monty, so that didn't help. Recently, it's revealed that Deadpool's past is a lie and that T-Ray is actually Wade Wilson and it was all very confusing for me. According to TV Tropes, which of them is actually Wade Wilson changes all the time. T-Ray also was a dick to Ilaney for no reason other than that she is a good person. I just wish T-Ray would go die, or something. <br /><br />Deadpool has also had the most heart wrenching plotline since Scully's cancer plotline on The X-Files. Deadpool goes to Siryn to ask her if she'll be there for him (or something) because she's the only thing keeping him sane and keeping him from turning into an awful person (like fucking T-RAY) and she rejects him. He's all sad and then she later comes to him in the park and says she loves him and then they (presumably) have sex (Luckily, it was a fade to black, unlike some other comic we know (cough cough ASBAR)) and then in the morning it's revealed that it was actually (DUN DUN DUN) Typhoid Mary. I HATE that bitch. So he goes a little crazy and then comes home to find out that Weasel has been hanging out at his house with Al when Deadpool's gone and Deadpool freaks out because he hates people in his house and he puts them both in The Box, which is kind of like the chokey. There are blades and shit coming out of the walls. Al reveals that she once tried to escape and meet this guy who was in the Mafia or something so he could put her underground but when she got there Deadpool was waiting and he had killed the guy and Al lost all hope. It was all very sad. Deadpool seems to have no happy endings except one in which Monty and his (we thought) unrequited love go off to live together, but even that was sad because Monty was gone. <br /><br />Short note about Ilaney: EVERYONE makes fun of her weight, from Deadpool to Mercedes (Deadpool's not-wife) to T-Ray. She didn't strike me as fat ever, but I guess in comic book world she would be (especially in a comic created by Rob Liefeld). It makes me sad because I love Ilaney, but everyone thinks she's fat or dumb. I think she would serve better in like, Daredevil or Superman or something, some comic with a nicer hero.<br /><br />Oh, and Deadpool's ANGST. Sure, he has a lot to angst about, but it gets to the point where you're like, "STFU DEADPOOL". There are two points in particular that piss me off:<br /><br />1. Deadpool periodically laments the fact that he will always be a killer and a bad guy and fate is keeping him from being good. WELL, WHO'S FUCKING FAULT IS THAT? He made the conscious choice to be a mercenary and he made the conscious choice to kill people. There's nothing stopping him from moving to the friggin' Rockies like Wolverine and living a peaceful life but he persists in taking jobs and doing bad shit but he seems to think that's not his fault. To Deadpool, the world is conspiring against him and he has no way of avoiding his fate.<br /><br />2. I can't remember if I specifically read this or if I just kind of made it up in my head, but I'm pretty sure that Deadpool was bitching about his friends letting him down. WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? When you persist in sticking your friends in the damn CHOKEY like you're friggin' Miss Trunchbull, do you EXPECT them to always be there for you? I don't blame Siryn for not wanting to be with him because he's out of his mind FUCKNUTS but at the same time, I think the decision should have been a bit more wrenching for her, seeing as how she knew she was the only keeping Deadpool from going completely crazy and she was probably the only person standing between him and the deaths of random people. I hope she shows up some time in the series.<br /><br />There's this chick in the series named Zoe and she has the most vomit-worthy appearance ever. She has an orange and brown (EW, REGIONAL COLOURS) spandex catsuit and this weird 80's haircut and pink goggles. She's kind of a bitch, but what I dislike the most about her is her boobs. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY NOT NORMAL. They're perfectly spherical, like she stuffed basketballs down her shirt. There are other instances of boobs being wack though. Like I distinctly remember one chick having ridiculously large Pam Anderson boobs and then another chick have one big bigger than the other. Like it was really noticeable. These are the things I notice while reading.<br /><br />ANYWAY. That said, I really, really, really love this comic. It's very addictive and fun and dramatic. I text my brother my thoughts periodically, but he doesn't know how to continue a discussion so he usually just ignores me. I can't even say how good it feels to get all my Deadpool thoughts out.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-980115957088430981?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-51551152785190577722009-09-30T18:15:00.002-06:002009-09-30T19:24:03.273-06:00As I am an unapologetic aficianado of The X-Files, Deadpool, Romero films, and bad sci fi films, you wouldn't think it, but I am a huge fan of chick lit. I'm not sure if this is something every girl feels, or just me, but every so often, I just need to read a brainless romcom book. And I really mean it when I say need - it's a compulsion, like OCD. <br /><br />But believe me when I say - they're <em>batshit</em>. While reading, everyone suspends their disbelief to some extent, but chick lit exists in another universe altogether. Oh, there are some good ones, certainly, that manage to be smart, funny, and semi-believable. (My favourites: Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger, The Eight by Katherine Neville [not strictly chick lit, but I count it] and I have a soft spot in my heart for Can You Keep a Secret? by Sophie Kinsella). But trust me - these are really difficult to find. You'd think that we could just stick with those authors I named above and it would be a chick lit goldmine, but they've all come out with really terrible books (Chasing Harry Winston, The Magic Circle, and the Shopaholic series, respectively). <br /><br />Reading most chick lit is kind of like entering a parallel universe - the people are similar to what you know, but not quite there. The people seem normal, except something will happen and their reactions will be COMPLETELY not what you expect. In Twilight, Bella finds out the guy she loves is a vampire...and her reaction is basically, "Oh, yeah, I kind of expected that...LET'S MAKE OUT." In the Shopaholic series, everyone loves Becky and thinks she's so adorable and likeable, when in fact she is probably the most annoying human being created in the chick lit genre, a narcissist who has no self-control. In The Magic Circle, Ariel sleeps with her cousin, and doesn't think this is awkward at all. <br /><br />Here's what I recently discovered - in chick lit world, it would appear that incest is not out of the ordinary. Let's talk The Magic Circle. Katherine Neville writes thrillers aimed to appeal to women. Her first novel, The Eight, is fantastic. Her second novel, A Calculated Risk, is said to be decent as well. Her third, The Magic Circle? Well...between the convoluted plot lines, the complete absence of a magic circle, an unnecessary POV from Joseph of Arimathea, you have a very, very, very, awful book. I could have slogged through it, but I quit halfway through when I realized that the main love interest was her cousin. I believe it was her first cousin as well. If you ask anyone you know if this would be okay, I believe that every single person would say something along the lines of, "ew." Incest = WEIRD and it's so culturally unacceptable in North America. In a normal world, someone would feel weird about having feelings for their cousin and even weirder after they slept with them. I thought the whole incest thing was a one off, but I recently finished reading She Went All The Way by Meg Cabot. The protagonists, Lou and Jack, start hooking up and then later on they get married. Lou's dad and Jack's mom also fall in love and move in together. Technically, this is acceptable. No one's ACTUALLY related. But I'm pretty sure that someone would be like, "Uh, you're practically step siblings...gross." Interestingly enough, Gossip Girl had a plotline similar to this. Dan and Serena started dating and then Serena's mom and Dan's dad decided to date. Serena begged her mom not to because she didn't want to be dating her stepbrother. Later on, Dan and Serena find out that they have a mutual half sibling. If I'm recalling correctly, everyone made a <em>huge </em>deal about this (leading to Gossip Girl, hilariously and erroneously, stating that they shared DNA.) Even though everyone's reactions went to ridiculous lengths, I felt this to be more believable. People are extra-sensitive to things that seem even a little culturally unacceptable. I believe in this book, Lou mentions the fact that their parents are in love to Jack, who laughs it off and then IT IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.<br /><br />(Side note about the incest thing: in season 2 of Reaper, Sock sleeps with his stepsister. No one thinks this is strange. Is quasi-incest becoming socially acceptable?)<br /><br />In the same book, the parents (Eleanor and Frank) find out that their children are fucking and they don't say anything. They're not uncomfortable. They're not anything. And yes, Jack and Lou are in their late 20s, early 30s, but I can personally say that I will always feel uncomfortable discussing sex with my mom. <em> </em><br /><em></em><br />Most chick lit has sex scenes. I'm fine with the fade to blacks. I LOVE fade to blacks. Especially after reading Ghost, fade to blacks are as nice as Christmas. Some chick lit novels have graphic sex scenes. I guess they're supposed to turn you on, but it just makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a voyeur, like I glanced out the window and saw my neighbours having sex. I just want to close the curtains. <br /><br />Not to mention that chick lit is allegedly empowering, but sometimes fails horribly. The heroines are usually strong, independent, career-oriented women...until they meet a guy. Oh, and apparently there's a bunch dealing with women who fall in love with their abusers. Now we're getting into this horrifying fringe subculture of romance novels, none of which I've read, thank God.<br /><a href="http://cereta.livejournal.com/450650.html">http://cereta.livejournal.com/450650.html</a><br />A girl is kidnapped by a sheikh, raped every night for months, and then eventually falls in love with him.<br /><a href="http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/decadent_by_shayla_black/">http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/decadent_by_shayla_black/</a><br />A girl is expecting normal sex with a guy, and then he unexpectedly starts anal sexing her.<br /><br />I mean, what? How is this acceptable? A good chick lit will make you feel good. A good chick lit will make you happy. A bad chick lit will make you feel dirty, and no one wants that from their wish fulfillment.<br /><br />Yes, chick lit is wish fulfillment. A certain degree of suspension of disbelief is necessary. But sometimes the authors' ids come out to play, and that is <em>never</em> a good thing. See Ringo, John. <br /><br />There aren't that many genres with such extremes. Chick lit is either really good or horribly, terrifyingly bad. The only other similar genre I can think of at the moment is urban fantasy. I am intimately acquainted with the ups and downs of urban fantasy, as my brother and I have been searching for about a year now for a bonding series to replace The Dresden Files while we wait for new books to come out. We fail. But that's a story for another time. No other genre that I can think of have such extremes. <br /><br />Mostly I look on chick lit as something of a problem child that I love dearly: I really want it to succeed. I root for the good books. I continue to look for the good. But when they're bad, I just feel disappointed.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-5155115278519057772?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-6088383035221896782009-09-23T13:37:00.002-06:002009-09-23T13:49:38.938-06:00So until I find something else to comment on (still gunning for The Shadow God) I'm just going to write some filler posts. <br /><br />I can't recall if I put my awesome Transformers dream on here, but here it is again.<br /><br />The Autobots gave me a mission. I had to steal Megatron's brain, which apparently looked like an iPod, and throw it into the ocean. As the dream opened, I was in possession of this brain, and I just had to find an ocean. Pretty difficult in the middle of the prairies but hey, if that's what the Autobots want. Anyway, Megatron burst out of nowhere and started running after me and I was freaking out until Optimus Prime also burst out of nowhere and picked me up. He didn't seem to care whether I lived or died - I recall hanging on for dear life to one of his fingers. Anyway, Megatron ended up killing Optimus Prime, and then my dream started over again. It was kind of like a video game.<br /><br />There was this middle part where I was running through a bunch of stands set up for the Fringe, looking for my brother and Robert, but I can't really remember that part as clearly.<br /><br />Anyway, the second time I tried this mission, I decided to take my iPod and let Megatron take it as a decoy. But then I was like, "But I really like my itouch...and it was expensive." So I took a different mp3 player that looked nothing like an iPod and I hoped this would suffice. So I started walking down the street with my friend Stacey and she was like, "do you have any Transformers helping you?" and I looked around and I saw a yellow car and I was like, "oh yeah, that's Bumblebee right there" and then Megatron burst of nowhere. Bumblebee started flashing lights and I think there was a siren, but he didn't do anything. THANKS, Bumblebee. So then Optimus Prime burst out of the bushes and he was carrying me again. I threw the mp3 player but Megatron didn't fall for it and then Optimus Prime threw me into the ocean and the brain/iPod thingie died. <br /><br />A few nights ago I had a dream that cartoon Joker was coming after me. We were on a cruise ship of some sort and I kept trying to outsmart him but I couldn't (my brother's reply when I told him this: "YOU DON'T OUTSMART THE JOKER.") Like he was going after this woman and I ran away from her so he wouldn't come after me, but he did anyway. Then I jumped off the boat and I started swimming and I was like to myself, "I'm swimming as fast as Michael Phelps!" but then the Joker overtook me and I was like, "shit." That was the end.<br /><br />Today I had to interview people in the street, which is a pretty terrifying experience. I was with a partner, and our first two people were duds: One girl looked kind of high and was really suspicious and didn't give us anything to work with, and when we interviewed this kid his dad looked really angry. We also interviewed this 17 year old guy who looked like SUCH a stereotypical brainless beauty. He was way good looking, but DUMB. Our question was, "Now that you can download pretty much anything you want off the internet, do you prefer to download or to obtain physical copies of your entertainment?" This guy said "digital" and when we asked why he's like, "It'll give you a more visual aspect to everything." WTF DOES THAT MEAN? I think he was trying to sound smart but he failed. And wouldn't getting the official copy have a better visual aspect than downloading? Oh also, I interviewed this girl handing out leaflets, and I'm pretty sure I might have gotten her in trouble with her employer. Whoops. It was good times.<br /><br />I actually asked Cathy (prof) a question today, and she wasn't scary!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-608838303522189678?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-6759903821253290262009-09-21T09:22:00.004-06:002009-09-21T19:52:43.867-06:00Last one guys, and I have to say, I'm a little sad. This comic is INSANE but it's the kind of insane that's fun to be privy to, like Body Rock or One Tree Hill. I wouldn't say it was terrible either, not in the way that Troll 2 is terrible. I'm sure that Liefeld has done worse. The thing about this comic is that it's so hard to quanify. I don't know how to feel. I've never had that experience.<br /><br /><div></div><div>Cover: A scary looking Batman and a manic looking Robin wearing no pants. My actual response to this cover was "Ew." Robin, weirdly, appears to be wearing a green chastity belt made out of scales. Look, I'm not going to ask what those two do in their spare time.</div><br /><div>No alternate cover today. I grow sad.</div><br /><div></div><div>So Batman and Green Lantern are at their little rendezvous. Green Lantern looks a lot like my eleventh grade math teacher. Batman is complaining because Green Lantern has the most powerful ring in the universe and he doesn't use it for anything. Batman, meanwhile, would send tidal waves in the right direction and knock out a few enemy fleets. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be a metaphor, but it makes me think that Batman just really, really, wants to be a pirate. And really, who doesn't?</div><br /><div>I was just going to mention how confused I was that Batman appears to be yellow but DUH, the Green Lantern's ring doesn't work against anything yellow. Smart move, Batman. </div><br /><div><em>Batman: Dumbest weakness I've ever heard of.</em></div><div>You said it, Batman.</div><br /><div>Ha ha, Batman calls Wonder Women the Wicked Witch of Lesbos Island. Oh Batman. How irreverent you are. </div><br /><div>The Green Lantern wants Batman to do some good things to better his reputation, because he's scaring people. Predictably, this doesn't deter Batman at all. Why did they send the Green Lantern to do this, again?</div><br /><div>Really, these two are having an argument that has always been an intrinsic question in the comic book 'verse: How far can superheroes go? Are they above the law? What exactly is crossing the line? Is it okay to kill a murderer in cold blood? Everyone looks down on comics as stupid and childish, but they ask some important questions.</div><br /><div>Apparently Batman doesn't expect the Green Lantern to use any method other than the ring, and so is taken completely by surprise when he snaps and starts beating up Batman and frankly, it makes me more than a little happy to see Batman getting some hurt. Robin's in the background and he LOOKS like he's attempting to do something, but I see no results. Then he starts pouring lemonade. </div><br /><div>It makes me more than a little uncomfortable that Robin has taken up his role as Batman's sidekick with no ill will towards the man himself. I think Robin has Stockholm Syndrome. Please send him help.</div><br /><div>Robin, apparently losing all power of speech except for monosyllables, calls Green Lantern a rube a total of three times in one page.</div><br /><br /><div></div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Sredvc7TezI/AAAAAAAAAKc/qNx0bEvg0x4/s1600-h/greenlantern.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383945318089063218" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 306px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/Sredvc7TezI/AAAAAAAAAKc/qNx0bEvg0x4/s400/greenlantern.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Poor Green Lantern. You gotta feel for the guy: no one seems to like him or think he's worthwhile, not even the Justice League. He never gets to do anything. Wonder Woman and Superman let him do this one thing, and it appears that he's screwing even that up. </div><br /><div></div><div>David Bowie looks waaaaaay better in tights.</div><br /><div></div><div>Robin appears to be reading a comic of some sort that looks like a cross between the Teletubbies and Avatar: The Last Airbender.</div><br /><div></div><div>Robin steals Green Lantern's ring and he has a shitfit. Now Batman has the ring. I fear for humanity.</div><br /><div></div><div>Green Lantern attempts to get the ring back, but Robin pulls some kind of weird-ass gymnastics move, and Green Lantern fails. This is almost too painful to watch anymore. Robin's elf shoes and scaly chastity belt are also painful to watch.</div><br /><div></div><div>HOLY ABUSE BATMAN. Robin's completely taking out the Green Lantern and Batman shoves him to the side and punches him in the face. A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY. </div><div> </div><div>Batman and Robin are both filled with self-loathing. Batman is rethinking his methods with Robin. Little too late for that now, Batman. Batman laments that he rushed Robin into everything, while he (Batman) had good men to learn from and he had years to learn about his power and years to grieve.</div><div> </div><div>Robin collapses into Batman's arms at the tombstones of his parents, and they cry together. It should probably be sweet but I grow uncomfortable. On the bright side though, I'm pretty sure that Batman punched Robin because Robin was close to killing the Green Lantern. So there's...a glimmer of some morality.</div><div> </div><div>And that's all I have. I'm pretty sure there must be more issues, since this isn't a satisfactory ending plus THERE WAS A DEARTH OF CATWOMAN. I'll see if I can find them later. But for now, I hope you enjoyed these dissections and please, for the love of God, don't read this comic.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-675990382125329026?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-71608059579193140092009-09-20T08:39:00.005-06:002009-09-21T19:58:05.803-06:00Good news, people! This was actually the last issue I had, but it turns out there's a ninth one and I just spent five minutes of my time intensely searching for it. It'd downloading as we speak. Or, as I type. You know. Whatever. Anyway.<br /><div>Cover: The Joker, sporting some pretty intense tattoos, is holding Batman's cape (just wrote cake) with a sneaky look on his face.</div><br /><div>Alternate cover: HOLY SHIT. I couldn't figure out who this was at first. I thought it was Alfred, but I was confused because he had horns. Then I realized it was an optical illusion, with TWO faces making up the one. Jim Lee is truly transcendent. A troubling point: Alfred (?) appears to have the teeth of a horse.</div><br /><div>Joker's one night stand is all, "I never do this, especially with someone I just met" and then asks Joker's name. He's all, "They call me the Joker" and then:</div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrZBMYAmbiI/AAAAAAAAAKM/TVb6yyfTO-c/s1600-h/stupid.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383562085427211810" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 395px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrZBMYAmbiI/AAAAAAAAAKM/TVb6yyfTO-c/s400/stupid.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><div>What a funny coincidence! Are you making the connection yet, sweetie? No? Okay.</div><br /><div></div><div>Joker admits that it was him and then starts talking about the girl. She's a reputable attorney who crusades against child molesters. Joker apparently loves her in his special little way. I'm not liking where this is going.</div><br /><div></div><div>Joker is really ripped too. Is there something in the water in Gotham?</div><br /><div></div><div>The Joker then hits the girl and (I'm assuming) rapes her, and he calls it love. </div><br /><div></div><div>I feel uncomfortable.</div><br /><div></div><div>Here's something I really like, and I'm not sure if it's Jim Lee or Frank Miller's idea. Each character's text box is different. Batman's is scribbled out hastily on crooked boxes, probably indicating his lack of care in any aspect of his life. Alfred's are neat and tidy on square little boxes. Black Canary has more feminine writing. Joker has childish writing and green boxes. It's kind of like a leitmotif.</div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrZC5y-GXdI/AAAAAAAAAKU/tdsGSAHu8Uk/s1600-h/itputsthelotiononitsskin.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383563965270220242" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 250px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrZC5y-GXdI/AAAAAAAAAKU/tdsGSAHu8Uk/s400/itputsthelotiononitsskin.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Okay, he may not have raped her. I can't really tell. </div><div></div><div> </div><div>WHOA. The Joker has a henchmen. She appears to be a white supremacist, with short blonde hair and a military demeanour. She's wearing no shirt, but has giant swastikas covering her boobs. She appears to have no nipples. Frankly, she scares the everloving bejeezus out of me.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Remember when Batman was like, "Avenger or detective?" I honestly didn't know which one he wanted Robin to pick. Apparently he wanted Robin to pick "detective", which he did. Batman is happy, or at least as happy as Batman gets. Batman is starting to respect Robin because he's as smart as Batman. Their banter here, again, has the ring of a couple who appear to hate each other but are really attracted to each other. I can't think of any examples right now, but I'm sure there are many.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>This is the second time someone has used the word "queer" but I'm wondering if they mean like "gay" or just weird. </div><div></div><div> </div><div>Batman orders Robin to get a cape and mask. Batman starts to have second thoughts about playing "father." I would have called it playing "psychopath" but tomato tomahto.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Batman calls Robin "Boy Wonder" which sets the wheels turning in Robin's mind. Batman turns to leave again but Robin, with an intense look on his face, says that Batman has to answer a question. What shall the question be? "Why did you kidnap me?" "Are you insane?" "Do you have any sort of working moral compass?" Nope, the question is "What's the deal with the robot T-rex?" Finally, after like four issues, we get an answer about that T-rex. But actually we don't, because Batman's answer is simply "shut up." Another sleepless night.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Batman sees some kind of signal in the sky and for the life of me I can't figure it out. I assume it's from the Joker because it's green, but it looks like a vertical "101" or maybe a crop circle. </div><div> </div><div>Batman dumps Jocko in the river and Jocko's response is to call Batman a creep. This seems like an underwhelming thing to call the guy who murdered you.</div><div></div><div><em>Editor's note: We can't print Jocko-Boy's response, due to standards of decency. The response demands an anatomical impossibility.</em></div><div>Well, that's more like it.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Robin contemplates a Robin Hood costume and then starts talking to Alfred's voice. Robin thanks Alfred for bringing him food. </div><div></div><div> </div><div>How does a 12-year-old identify an accent from South Kensington? </div><div></div><div><em></em> </div><div><em>Batman: I've never been all that good with people.</em></div><div>Well, that's one HELL of an understatement. This part made me laugh though:</div><div><em>Batman: I've got a retarded demigod to take care of.</em></div><div>That's a sentence you don't hear often.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Oh, apparently the vertical "101" is Green Lantern's signal. As per usual, he's sitting around doing nothing. Batman apparently is "everywhere and nowhere." He's like Jesus.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Green Lantern's mask is like one of those masquerade masks, only it doesn't have the stick. How is it staying on his face? The questions continue.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Batman tells us a little about Green Lantern. Basically, he's a moron with the most powerful ring in the universe. Whatever he wants, the ring makes it happen. Batman sounds like he's contemplating stealing it.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>OMG IT'S CATWOMAN, YOU GUYS.</div><div></div><div>Sadly, her appearance only takes up two panels. The Joker asks her if she wants to join in some mischief.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>Robin's Robin Hood costume is ADORABLE. But there's a lot of loose clothing that can get caught in stuff. I'm mostly confused how Alfred managed to make a whole Robin Hood costume in like an hour. Did he have all the fabric hanging around the house? </div><div></div><div>Batman takes the hood and pulls it over Robin's face. He tells Batman to lose the hood, and just be Robin. I wonder if the story of his costume is canon.</div><div></div><div> </div><div>That's the end of issue 8.</div><div></div><div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7160805957919314009?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-78882664400326491352009-09-19T09:18:00.007-06:002009-09-19T18:07:12.134-06:00Cover: Batman and Black Canary fighting bad guys.<br /><div>Alternate cover: A really weird and somewhat Dadaist drawing of Batman.</div><br /><div></div><div>So Batman's laying the smack down on the bad guys that were chasing Black Canary, and he's getting a lot of joy out of it. It appears that Batman is thinking of making a bomb, but I wasn't aware that was his thing. </div><br /><div></div><div><em>"They're shooting scared. They're shooting stupid. Killing their own. Life is good."</em></div><br /><div>I don't have a problem with anti-heroes. I LOVE Sam Spade, and this is a guy who feels nothing over diddling his partner's wife or said partner's death, or his love interest being sent to jail. But I think Batman has crossed the line from "appealingly dark" to "fucking psychotic."</div><br /><div></div><div>He is definitely right now throwing Molotov cocktails at the bad guys. Way to NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF, Batman.</div><br /><div></div><div>What exactly does having your underwear over your tights do? Is there a purpose? It's certainly not for the aesthetic quality.</div><br /><div></div><div><em>Black Canary: Has anyone told you, my good man, that you are totally hot?</em></div><div><em>Batman: Not for the last few days, no.</em></div><br /><div>I actually found that part funny. So anyway, Black Canary kisses him and Batman likes it because she smokes. Or something. He goes, "I haven't kissed a smoker in weeks...not since Selina." YAY, CATWOMAN.</div><br /><div></div><div>And then...they fuck. On the docks. In the rain. With a bunch of dead bodies nearby and fires smouldering. Righty-o then.</div><div>Edit: Forgot to add, also without appearing to take their clothes off.</div><br /><div></div><div>Batman asks if she needs a ride home and she expresses disbelief because he's "the goddamn Batman and you need a goddamn car?" Well, what the hell's he going to do, fly? Batman doesn't have any powers.</div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrT45XYOfqI/AAAAAAAAAKE/Q1vvzwoUENw/s1600-h/batmobile.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383201119026445986" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 403px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 165px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_txo23_n9b2k/SrT45XYOfqI/AAAAAAAAAKE/Q1vvzwoUENw/s320/batmobile.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Not sure if you can read it, but basically Batman is having a shitfit because Black Canary expressed disbelief at the Batmobile's name, and he's complaining because he gets shit about calling it that all the time. You guys, can't a dude name his car something stupid without getting grief about it?</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Previously, Batman briefly mentioned a guy who could fly, and Black Canary asks for clarification but he says it doesn't matter. I find it funny that NO ONE knows about Superman. </div><div></div><div>There's a funny line in Chuck Klosterman IV that says, "The Joker was Batman's nemesis, but -ironically - his archenemy was Superman, since Superman made Batman entirely mortal and generally nonessential. Nobody likes to admit this, but Batman fucking <em>hated</em> Superman; Superman is the reason Batman became an alcoholic." Chuck might actually be right about this. I've never thought of Batman and Superman as knowing about each other, but it seems Frank disagrees with me.</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Mildly amusing confusion. Black Canary goes, "Do you mind telling me who you're carrying on your shoulder?" and I thought she meant that she knew Batman was still hung up on someone (Catwoman) and she wanted to know who it was. But no, Batman is literally carrying someone on his shoulder.</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Black Canary keeps suggesting to Batman that he might not be so psycho if he talked to someone once in a while, which is decent advice. Batman doesn't think so and tells her repeatedly to shut up. Black Canary seems unperturbed, however. Batman thinks that she's pushing her luck and then immediately does a 180 and goes, "she has a right to say what she wants." I think Batman's schizophrenic. </div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Sometimes, I LOVE a good noir line. Occasionally, while reading Ghost, Mike would say something completely badass and gritty, and I would start kinda sorta enjoying the book. Of course, then he would completely turn around my goodwill by fucking an underage girl or engaging in graphic S&amp;M. Anyway, here's a line I particularly enjoyed from Batman: <em>"And she's dead right to say I'm half crazy. But only half. The other half is doing just fine." </em>Oh Batman. I wish I could quit you.</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Meanwhile, Robin's head is floating in the darkness and wondering how long he's been locked in the batcave. Oh right, last time we left Robin he was holding an axe. When I heard that Batman forced Robin to eat rats, I thought that maybe Batman locked him in the batcave and suggested he eat rats, but Robin wouldn't actually do it. Since we had that part, I thought the grossness involving rats and bats was over. But no, Robin just ate a raw rat. This is the trouble with reading stories that you enjoy for the noirishness but despise at other times: EVERY TIME I get some goodwill, like I just did at Batman's awesome line, that gets turned around completely by something disgusting. So thanks, Frank.</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Anyway, Batman brings back Jocko and tells Robin the murderer's fate is in his hands. Is he an avenger, or a detective? Are there any other choices? Can I phone a friend?</div><div></div><div>The effect of Robin standing with the axe is somewhat lessened by the furry buttons on his pajamas.</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Avenger or detective. Why are those two mutually exclusive? </div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>Robin drops the axe beside Jocko's head, clipping his face. Robin flips out and kicks the dude. Batman is excited. </div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>You know, the only sympathetic character in this whole comic is Alfred, but he doesn't show up nearly enough to dilute Batman's insanity. Robin was, until he flipped out on this guy. Black Canary might be, but she hasn't had any character development thus far. Same with Vicki. </div><div></div><div>Last page is a picture of the Joker, so stay tuned. That's the end of issue 7. </div><div></div><div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-7888266440032649135?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Enjoy_Every_Sandwichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07794930125860599258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13498732.post-89739800029643257732009-09-19T08:58:00.003-06:002009-09-19T09:18:35.980-06:00Before we start today, I have to recount my dreams so I don't forget them. First, I had a mini dream that the girls in Smoosh were at my house and I was trying to convince other people that they ROCKED even though they were so young, and the drummer especially kicked ass. Then, my real dream.<br /><br />I was watching the sequel (God forbid) to Troll 2, which was called, appropriately enough, Troll 3. Then suddenly I was living the movie. <br /><br />Before I start though, here is the plot of Troll 2. A boy named Joshua, his parents, and his sister Holly go on holiday to a small town called Nilbog. Holly's boyfriend, whose name I can't recall at the moment so he will be referred to as BF, was supposed to go with them but stood her up. The A plot involves Joshua's dead grandfather (Seth) appearing to him and giving him cryptic hints that Nilbog is bad and he has to get his family away. The residents of Nilbog are actually vegetarian goblins (strangely enough, NOT trolls) and are trying to get Joshua's family to eat this green stuff so they will get turned into plants, which is what the goblins eat. Why they don't just eat actual vegetation is a mystery to me. After many adventures, the family gets away but the goblins are waiting at their house to eat them. The B plot involves Holly's boyfriend and his friends (Drew and Arthur) trying to catch up to them but getting involved with the goblins themselves.<br /><br />So the plot of Troll 3 was that Holly is getting married (not to BF) and the goblins show up. I don't know exactly what part I was playing in this situation, but I was there. The goblins show up and Holly freaks out. Joshua and I were the only ones to remain calm, and led everyone underground for some reason. We had to climb down this rock wall, but there were more goblins waiting. We ran, and then we lost everyone else, and decided to hijack this truck thing. For some reason Joshua (who is like 11) was driving. We were driving around Toronto, which looked like Foam Lake, and I was complaining about how it took so long to get anywhere. For some reason Maria was there briefly but then she disappeared later. Anyway, we were going to drive home (yeah, because the goblins wouldn't get us there) but we had to get past this locked fence, and the goblins were in pursuit. Turns out we actually had Clayton and Genevieve's truck (they don't own one in real life) and we were going to their house. Joshua and I were looking frantically around for the key. At this point someone else was in the cab, but I'm not sure who it was. We finally found it and I volunteered to get out to unlock the gate. For some reason Joshua just decided to drive through the fence and we got through but the chain was still attached to us and stretching out as we drove. I got out to unlock it as opposed to just, you know, lifting the stretched chain over the truck. I was nervous so I fumbled with the key but I finally got it. For some reason I was really concerned with locking the gate up again, even though the really really long chain wouldn't do anything and the goblins were coming. Anyway, I got back in and I'm like, "DRIVE! DRIVE!" so Joshua, who now turned into my brother Jonas, gunned it and we were driving down my driveway when we saw a tractor flying through the air. It landed in the ditch next to us and we decided to keep going to see what was happening. We saw a combine flying through the air and I taped it with my camera. Then more shit was flying through the air and I was really scared we were going to be hit by something but Jonas just kept driving. I kept telling him to turn around but he wouldn't. Then there was a cow flying toward us and I'm freaking out like, "COW! COW! TURN AROUND!" but there was no place to turn around and the road was really small so he kept driving and the cow clipped the back of the truck but didn't do much damage. Then a UFO looking thing was hovering above us and crashed into the hood of the truck, smashing the windshield. And yet we still kept driving. Then we saw a black helicopter, which caused me to freak out AGAIN because I was sure the government was coming after us or something, and then another cow was coming at us. Jonas told me he was going to do a something or other whose name I can't remember, but I think it involved the word "four" and he basically did a U-turn but it was more awesome in my dream. Then we drove away in the other direction and went back to my house. The goblins, who were now dressed up in cloaks and resembled Sith lords, were doing some kind of ceremony and Jonas and I decided to pretend to be followers of them. So we put on black cloaks and I tucked my cell phone up my sleeve and he for some reason had a computer inside his cloak which was glowing, completely giving us away. I was like, "shut your cloak!" and I bowed before the main dude, and I was like, "my lord" and he's like, "look up" because he had to do a retinal scan or something. And he's like, "Ah, the Foam Lakers! I didn't know if you would show up again." And we were screwed but then I woke up.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/13498732-8973980002964325773?l=frogbitesays.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>